Home....sick
Posted
Thursday, October 11, 2007 5:46 PM
So it started off like any other day - get up, wake up my daughter, wake up DH. Wait for all to leave and then get my own self up and ready. Even went to work where I was content and getting things done and then it hit me. Cold sweat, headache, another symptom I don't want to mention! So, I had to leave and made a bee-line home for the comforts of being in my own personal space and bathroom and bed. And although the headache is lingering, I'm feeling better. The dog is just sitting there with head tilted and quizzical look probably thinking "what are you doing here at home on MY time?" but she headed back under her blankie without more comment.
And now I'm here, thinking shouldn't I be relinquishing under my blankie too at finally an opportunity to nap in peace and quiet or read a book or watch Lifetime or HGTV? Or should I be taking advantage of the extra time and sweeping up those fuzz balls on the hardwood floors or loading the dishwasher or something along those lines so that later when chaos comes home it can get all messy again? Or start to whip up that apple crisp I've been wanting to do for the past three days but couldn't because of tennis and homecoming and work and exhaustion? Or perhaps I should return to work to vanish these guilty feelings that I'm not there doing what I should be doing? What is my boss thinking? Am I missed? Will anyone even notice? Or wouldn't it be nice to go shopping ...but, oh yea, car repairs took that designated money. So...instead here I am on the computer because I decided I felt like writing despite my other options.
So much on my mind today. I'm happy and I have no reason to complain but why is it that the more you have the more you want? Or that being content just makes you want to be MORE content? I'm happily married to a terrific man who I love so much. We have a lovely new home that we're remodeling. I have 2 wonderful girls that I'm so proud of. I have a job. Great job? It's okay. A job that isn't challenging most of the time, but gets me through the day with decent enough pay. I like those I work with. I like what I've accomplished. But, sometimes I just feel like I'm meant to do more. That what I do should have more meaning.
I am in no way wanting to change my marriage or my family life. I'm perfectly happy in those departments. But, career wise? I feel like I should absolutely LOVE to go to work ... but does anybody? I don't work because I have to, I just happen to like the extra spending money. But, what if I were to be creative and inspired and start my own thing? This is something I've thought about a lot. And I even have notebooks and files and ideas and plans about starting a gift-giving related business or be a designer or a writer, but I hold back. What does it take to just jump in and make your dreams reality? I know I've done it in the past. I know even my DH after so many years of college after the Marines after highschool would even do something else if he could. I guess it's money or lack of? And fear. What if I jump in and it doesn't take off? What if I fail? Where do I start? Should I go to school again to learn more? Keep making notes and files and hope that someday it'll all just happen? Will it just happen? I'm not one to believe that it just arrives knocking at the door. I know it takes work and dedication and motivation. But, how does one initiate it? How do successful people feel before they're successful? Just this way? Do I really want my own business? I know it's hard work. DH has his own business and isn't always happy, can't just take off when he wants or the work doesn't get done, he doesn't get paid. It's constant working at it.
Do we just continue with routine because it's comfortable and reliable? Do I just continue in a career where I don't want to give up the paycheck but dread getting out of bed most mornings to drag myself there. I think that's normal, right? We all just go to work and do what we're supposed to because it's expected. Or...am I missing out because I'm settling for routine? Are there truly people who LOVE going to work?
Maybe I'm just delirious from being sick today! Because do I have any right to complain when I have a good job that I don't mind and I know there are people way worse off, so I should be thankful? Okay...so I think the writing isn't helping and maybe I'll go start researching some business ideas more or maybe I just ought to get started on that apple crisp. Or maybe a nap is really what I need after all.