The Nest

I'll tell it to you straight, so listen up (the following is a very long blog entry)

Posted Thursday, February 28, 2008 1:32 PM

I know nothing in this world applies to everyone.  All situations are unique, that's what makes life fun.  However, there are some things about pregnancy that I think you should know, have you not gone through the process yet, considering there is a possibility one of these symptoms will in fact apply to you.  I'll be honest.

1. Gas.  It's unreal.  It smells really really bad.  The gas for me is worse at night, so my poor husband, right?  Well, his beer burps are pretty raunchy, so I don't feel too bad for him.  Just thank god it doesn't happen often during the early part of the day.  I would be super embarrassed farting nonstop at work.  It does however happen often at the grocery store.  I feel bad for those strangers.  Some women have constipation issues, but not me.  I go 2 to 3 times a day, easy.  Maybe it's all the cereal I eat...lots of fiber to keep me regular.

2. Discharge.  Grossest thing about pregnancy so far.  My mom saw panty liners on my counter after I went to the grocery and she laughed and said, "You don't need those anymore."  Bull Shit!  I need panty liners DAILY now, and I never needed them before.  I thought pregnancy would finally be a time I'd enjoy not having periods, maybe even go panty-less when the urge hit me.  Nope, I'm strapped into underwear (granny panties no less since everything else cuts into my hips) with a pad each day to prevent the lovely stickiness feeling.  At least when you have periods, you can use something that goes inside your body and can be easily ignored.  My husband wonders why I'm not into sex as much as before...try feeling discharge exit your body all day while wearing a mini-diaper and see how hot you feel when you get home!

3. Hunger.  Some people don't have this.  I however have an insane desire to eat all day.  I try not to but it's so hard when my stomach is turning into twisty knots of growling starvation.  And food aversions...what the heck are those?  There is nothing my baby doesn't want to eat.  The irony is that after I eat anything (even just some grapes), I feel so bloated that I can barely stand moving.  Then I'm starving half an hour later.

4. Dandruff.  I've never before had dandruff, now I'm washing my hair with Head and Shoulders and pulling tiny white flakes out of my hair every time I catch myself in the mirror.  That and the fact that my hair is now growing in straight.

5. Bloating.  My wedding ring is already starting to feel snug.  I caught a glimpse of my arms in the bathroom mirror at work yesterday and I was thrown off wondering who in the hell those arms belong to.  They certainly don't look like my arms.  They are all swollen and soft looking.  And I'm not going to even get into how my face has changed.  I'm not breaking out, thank god, but the double chin that now exists when I turn my face just the right way...not cool.

6. Sleep.  What sleep?  People tell you to get all the sleep you can now because it won't exist after baby comes.  Hmm, sleep, that's something pregnant women should be enjoying?  Yeah right.  Every little sound, snore, movement, or cold draft of air wakes me up.  And then I have to pee.  Five times a night is my average.

7. Bitchiness.  I try not to be a pain in the ass, but it's inevitable.  I could be so excited to rush home from work and hug my husband, but after the 20 minute drive home, the lack of good songs on the radio, the emergency need to pee even though I went immediately before leaving work, and the red lights and traffic, I'm ready to shoot my husband as soon as I walk in the door.  Maybe he didn't pick up his shoes, or he parked his car in the driveway instead of allowing me to, or he forgot to say hello in the right tone of voice...it doesn't matter.  Anything can set me off and turn me into a whiny, cranky, annoyed person.  Thank god he just brushes it off as pregnancy hormones and goes about his business.

8. Bloody tissues.  Every time I blow my nose, it's as if I lost a pound of blood.  Hint: flush all of these tissues.  Your husband or house guests do not want to enter your bathroom only to be shocked at the blood-soaked Kleenex in your trash can.

9. Nipple enlargement.  This is in addition to breast engorgement, which I personally am not a fan of but most people seem to really look forward to.  No, this is the increase in size of your nipples to the size of a rather large piece of pepperoni.  Mine haven't turned dark brown yet, but if that happens on top of the size increase, I may have to stop flashing these babies to my husband every time I get out of the shower (he appreciates those flashes since it's pretty much all he gets lately).

10. Clothing.  And the loss of money associated with all the new clothing purchases.  Nothing fits anymore, so you need new clothes.  But you expect this.  What I didn't expect was being strictly in maternity clothes by 12 weeks, a whole new bra wardrobe at only 14 weeks, and miscellaneous purchases like new sports bras, workout shirts (even my old tee shirts are holding on for dear life at this point), and socks by 16 weeks.  Yes, my legs swell throughout the day and even my socks are too tight now.  You may wonder why I don't wear my husband's clothes.  Check out my bio and you might get an idea of how skinny he is.  I'm 5 pounds away from his weight, and he's 5'10" - yikes!  His jeans don't even fit me, so I can forget about those lean tees he wears.  The clothes I steal from him are his sweatshirts.

Yeah, my nails are stronger and grow much quicker.  Other than that, the only other benefit I can personally speak of is the fact that I'm growing a life and am going to have a wonderful child to adore and raise after all of this (which of course is the greatest benefit).  For those of you who are having an excellent "condition-free" pregnancy, you suck.