The Nest

Good bye to those uncomfortable "so when are you getting married" moments

Posted Thursday, September 13, 2007 7:22 PM

I started in my current job in July of 2006.  I was part time for the first few months and shared the position with the a full time person, Jenny.  The activities of our organization are cyclical with the school year, so summer was slow and we'd spend my few hours a day talking.  We found ourselves in a very similar place in life, which was new for me, most people I had worked with were older or married or had children.  But Jenny and I were both starting our careers, both had previous child care (nanny) type positions and we were both living with, but not married or engaged to, men we felt we would spend the rest of our lives with.  I remember a discussion we had, in those hot days of July, about our relationships.  We agreed that marriage wasn't that important, it would happen sooner or later, but it wasn't something we were pressing.

The beginning of August 2006, in an unforeseen move, my boyfriend proposed to me.  Jenny was the only person I told at work, as I was new and she was my friend.  In that instant our relationships were no longer the same.  I had what she wanted, the ring on my finger.  The year went on, Jenny moved on to another position with the organization and I became a full time employee.  I found that being engaged wasn't all I had dreamed, my fiancé refused to talk about actually getting married.  Weddings scared him, he wasn't ready to set a date, he wasn't even ready to start talking about setting a date.  This led to months of uncomfortable conversations with family, friends and co-workers.  "So, when are you getting married?"  "Have you guys set the date yet?"  I felt I had failed as an engaged individual, there wasn't a wedding in my foreseeable future and yet I continually had to field questions, which I answered with variations on "I don't know yet" "maybe next summer" or "he doesn't want to talk about it." 

Jenny was one of the only people who could understand my situation, as her own was so similar, her questions were "when is he proposing" "where's your ring", as she tried to calm her boyfriend's freak-outs from constant bombardment with engagement questions.  Jenny and her boyfriend bought a house this summer, and I have to say that I am jealous of her, that they are financially secure enough to buy a house.  But there has been no respite for Jenny, even our small organization's CEO commented on Jenny and boyfriend's unmarried status upon the announcement of the house purchase.

And now my fiancé and I have set a date (or are in the process, depending on numbers and availability) and Jenny has a mortgage.  I'll soon be trying on wedding dresses and picking out favors and Jenny will see me, I know she wants so badly to be where I am.  But she doesn't want to pressure him, which I understand.  I feel awful, however, that my wedding planning will become a constant reminder to her of what she wants and doesn't have. 

I'm sorry Jenny.