Happy2BeKathyKluthe:
Happy2BeKathyKluthe's Blog

Tags

What is my deal?

Posted Monday, February 04, 2008 4:37 PM

This weekend was a hard one for me. I think I cried every day. I’m just having such a hard time in our marriage right now, not because Travis is mean or insensitive or distant. Rather, it’s because I am.

I’m just so discouraged. I get mad at Travis over nothing quite often. So he’s gotten to the point (and I can’t blame him) of always assuming that if I’m mad, I’m mad at him. So if I say something remotely stern or terse, even if I’m not really mad, he thinks that I am mad and reacts. He acknowledges his sinfulness but I can’t help but see that about 90% of our fights are caused by me. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a b$#%@. I feel like I fly off the handle at any little thing and not just when I’m PMSing. I know that ultimately, it’s because I’m a sinner. I also know that ultimately, I have been forgiven everything in Christ and that with the Holy Spirit, I have the power to conquer my sinful inclinations and desires to fight. But I just don’t feel like I’m winning or making any progress!!

For the past month, Travis and I haven’t gone even one whole day without fighting. Not only do I feel bad about our fighting, I wonder how much other newlyweds fight. I know the first year is supposedly the hardest. But why this hard? Is it this hard for other people? Am I just psychotic?

All I know is that I can’t keep living like this. It is miserable to always be fighting with your spouse, to be angry at them, have them angry at you, walking around on proverbial eggshells or making your spouse walk on them. I bawled in the car again last night and told Travis “Something has to change. Because I can’t keep living like this.” And as I lay this burden at the foot of the cross, I know that I won’t keep living like this–God won’t let me. Praise to Him for His faithfulness!

Posted by Happy2BeKathyKluthe
Filed under: , , ,

Comments

re: What is my deal?

You wrote this:

“Something has to change. Because I can’t keep living like this."

Is there something you're not communicating with your husband?  Fights are often a result of many smaller misunderstanding or repressed feelings.  It's apparent that you haven't forgiven him and need to express exactly what your feeling.    You mention how both of you are "sinners".  Forgive for what I'm about to say, but NOBODY is perfect.  Sin is part of making mistakes and learning from them.  Punishing ourselves for making mistakes only beats us down harder.  

The first year is the hardest because so many couples have expectations and personalities that had been hidden during the engagement are surfacing.  Old habits are surfacing.  Perhaps if you went to couple counseling or even go see your priest and maybe he can help the two of you figure out what truly is eating away at your nerves.  

I even (when I'm having a difficult time expressing myself civil with my husband) will write a "Love Letter" to him explaining exactly what I'm feeling and explain what I think the causes are WITHOUT PLACING BLAME ON HIM.  It will give him time to ponder on it and them maybe some of your steam would have died down as well.

Good luck.

Posted by saxyequestrian    Monday, February 04, 2008 12:19 PM


re: What is my deal?

WHY are you getting so mad?  What is really causing your feelings?  I saw in one of your previous posts that you don't feel very loving towards your DH - was there an event or an issue that started these feelings?  Are you unhappy with something about yourself . . .  You need to figure out what the issue is and why it's an issue and find ways to heal that.  My DH and I fought (what seemed like) a lot our first year, but it was mostly because I was frustrated at being "stuck" in "limbo."  I wasn't able to find a job for a long time, and it made me feel like a failure and a bad wife, and it rubbed off on us.  It sounds like you might not know what the issue is, so I second the counseling/preacher approach.  No one said it would be easy all the time.

Posted by Mrs. Rachel A.    Monday, February 04, 2008 2:00 PM


re: What is my deal?

I'm going to send you a PM or whatever they call those messages here.  {{hugs}}

Posted by Choensa    Monday, February 04, 2008 5:03 PM


re: What is my deal?

I'm thinking there might be a underlining issue in why you get upset.  Those things don't usually "just" happen.

Be patient with yourself..make sure your communicating to your husband and realize you both have gone through a major life change-marriage and moving.

I've also realized that I have a decision when I do want to fly off the handle.  I can either obey God and do what the Holy Spirit wants me to do or I can do what my flesh wants to do...we all know what the "right" thing to do is.  When I obey God instead of my flesh-I'm able to love my husband the way God wants me to love him.  Our relationship is also able to be strengthened instead of torn down.  

Next time take a minute to pray....and see what God want's you to do.

I'll be praying for you:)......please don't beat yourself up,

Posted by andyandtysha    Monday, February 04, 2008 5:26 PM


re: What is my deal?

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.  Our first year of marriage was brutal!  We ended up taking some marriage classes through our church and it made all the difference in the world.  One thing that helped a lot with us was to write out our expectations of marriage and share that with each other.  Through one of the classes we learned that expectations are one of the major issues during the first year of marriage.  It really helped us to know what the other was expecting.  Hope you are able to work things out.  Just remember there is nothing wrong with getting a little help.

Posted by Mrs. Pixler    Monday, February 04, 2008 10:35 PM


We went through a simliar phase

This also happened with me and my husband. It went on quite a while about 7 months, trust me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have finally begin to get past it. There are somethings that may be causing these feelings that you don't even realize. I also discussed this with a women I attend church with and her and husband had a very similar phase in there marriage.

Posted by TheGregory's07    Monday, February 04, 2008 11:29 PM


re: What is my deal?

Thanks for your suggestions. I know the reason why I get angry at DH--I am very prideful and very selfish. And I don't choose to obey God very often. For my entire life before I became a Christian in college, I struggled with anger. I once kicked a hole in the wall in my parents' house. After I became a Christian, the anger struggles went away for the most part--but now they're back. It's my human bent--some people get really quiet and reserved when they're upset and other people explode. I'm one of the latter--though that by no means makes it right or okay. DH and I have a lot of good Christian friends that we can talk to about this so I think we'll ask for their advice as well. But thanks ladies for reminding me that no marriage is without its problems!

Posted by Happy2BeKathyKluthe    Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:34 AM


Anonymous comments are disabled
About Happy2BeKathyKluthe

In May of 2004, I found out what it means to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and it changed my entire life. I owe everything--including my husband--to Him and His work on the cross.


Want the latest in baby news?  Subscribe to the poop.