Happy2BeKathyKluthe's Blog

Perfect Saturday

Happy2BeKathyKluthe — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 19:57:00 GMT

Travis and I had a fantastic Saturday yesterday. It was the best day I’ve had in a while.

The morning started a little rough because we got into a tense conversation regarding money (never fails). But once we got through that, it was a great day. We went out to breakfast at Einstein Bros. (where I ate a egg/sausage/cheese bagel sandwich containing approx. 720 calories–seriously, eating out at restaurants is sooo frustrating!) The sandwich was delish though.

Then we went hiking with our friends Paul and Carrie and their 13-month old, Ruby. We hiked almost to the top of Flatiron #2 but the snow and icy conditions (and the fact that Paul was carrying a baby on his back) prevented us from summiting. It was a good hike anyway!

Some more friends, Brandon and Reina, met us at the park and we all had lunch together (Travis and I just ate some chips because we hadn’t brought food and had just eaten breakfast). Paul and Travis threw the frisbee around some and Carrie and I walked Ruby over to the playground.

Travis and I then went to Gateway Park in north Boulder to go mini-golfing. Since neither of us have played for over a year, the first couple holes were a little rough. We got our groove down on by about hole 3. (But he still beat me by 6 strokes). We also did the batting cages, me with slow softball pitches, Travis with fast baseball ones. I actually hit every ball out of 20 except one. I was so proud of myself! My forearms and back are sore today. Interesting how you can be in decent shape but do something that works different muscles and still get sore. My calves are a little sore too from hiking.

After that, Travis and I walked around Pearl Street, looking at the shops but not going in (I hate shopping with no money. It’s like going to a restaurant and not eating.) We ate dinner at the Boulder Cafe. I had a glass of white zin (my favorite wine–and always the cheapest) and a goat cheese salad. I didn’t know if I would like goat cheese but I LOVED it! I want to go to the store right now and buy some. Anyway, the salad was spinach, pine nuts, tomatoes, and balsamic vinegarette with flatbread covered in goat cheese. Mmmmm… Travis had 2 beers (Twisted Pine) and a double-cheeseburger with french fries (our meals couldn’t have been more different).

After we ate dinner, we rented American Gangster and watched it at home. It was an interesting movie but not as gang-bang in-your-face as we had expected it to be. (That’s fine with me.)

Anyway, after a long string of Saturdays in which I did nothing much (except maybe exercise, read, and play games at night), this Saturday was a breath of fresh air. And you can’t beat 70 degrees in Colorado. Perfect.

Grammatical Twilight Zone

Happy2BeKathyKluthe — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:08:00 GMT

This past Sunday, the pastor at my church gave his message about the need for giving and receiving loving correction in the believer’s life. Over and over again, he emphasized how much people “need rescued.” When he first said that, I was like “Did he really just say that? He must’ve made a mistake…” Then he said it again. I wrote it in the margin of my notebook and showed it to Travis. Then he said it AGAIN. I glanced at Travis and laughed a little. What was this guy saying? I had never heard anyone say that before. I wanted to say, “Uh, I believe it should be “People need rescue…?”

As much as I love our new church out here, Travis and I have some issues with the pastor. His teaching is doctrinally sound and theologically correct for the most part. He just doesn’t have the greatest delivery, so to speak. Maybe it just clashes with my personality. And Travis’. It probably doesn’t help that we came from John Piper’s church in Minneapolis, who is probably one of the best preachers alive right now. I miss going to that church…

Anyway, so imagine my surprise yesterday when I was in a meeting with my boss and the same stupid phrase came up. We were looking over the handouts I had created for a speaker’s presentation at an upcoming convention. One of the points in his notes said, “People need rescue.” So far, so good. Then my boss said, “Isn’t this supposed to be ‘people need rescued?’” I told her I didn’t know–up to that point, I had only heard the phrase once and I had assumed it was because my pastor was a little “off.” But the fact that my boss had brought it up as well…that really rocked my world.

So this morning I was working on the handouts again, tweaking them a little before converting them to PDFs. I googled the phrase “need rescued” and found a lot of different sites–granted they’re on the internet where any moron can publish anything (like this blog!)–that use this phrase. I feel like I’m walking around in a daze now. This beats the time that my younger brother proved to me that “negate” was a word when I swore it wasn’t (that happened a lot unfortunately).

Since when did this universe start saying “People need rescued!?!?!!” Can’t we just say “People need to be rescued.” or “People need rescuing.” Anything but “need rescued.” I can’t take it.

This experience reminds me of the scene in Never Been Kissed when Drew Barrymore’s younger character gets invited to the prom by Billy. She says, “I don’t know what to say. I’m actually speechless. That never happens to me because words are my life!!” I am speechless as well, but more out of horror and shock, rather than excitement and anticipation.

What is this world coming to?

Garbage triggers insight

Happy2BeKathyKluthe — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 15:48:00 GMT

So last night I was cleaning up the kitchen and asked DH very nicely if he would do me a favor–take the trash out before he went to bed. A few seconds went by and he replied, “Why can’t I take it out tomorrow morning?” I had wanted him to take it out last night because I didn’t want the garbage to stink up our apartment. He wanted to wait until the morning because that is what we have been doing and he didn’t want to walk all the way out to the dumpster in the cold.

To his reply I said nothing. Instead, I went into the bedroom and while I was changing into my PJs, I realized that instead of silently being angry at him–Why does he need a reason? Isn’t it enough that I asked him to do it?–I should go talk to him about my feelings. So I went and told him how I felt and we discussed it for a while. He wanted a reason for taking the trash out at night; I didn’t really have one besides “Because I asked you to.” It was a mature discussion. No angry words were said, no doors slammed, but I still walked away sad, lonely, and feeling misunderstood.

I thought about just going to sleep to spite Travis even though I wanted to read for a while. But I got my Bible out anyway–God shouldn’t be pushed aside just because I was being moody. But I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. All I could think about was how I felt so frustrated and how part of me wanted Travis to come to bed and the other part didn’t. And then it came to me: my feeling not understood by Travis was causing me to push him away, both emotionally and physically. I was equating feeling loved with being understood.

As I remembered back to different fights we had had over the past couple months, my theory seemed to make more and more sense. That’s why I was always over-explaining my emotions, responses, and wanting Travis to know WHY things had happened the way they did. During our arguments, even if Travis conceded the point and I “won,” I wasn’t satisfied because I still didn’t feel like he understood me and why I did what I did. I wasn’t justifying anything–just explaining. Ultimately, I just want him to understand me!

So I told him my insight last night and it was a huge stepping stone for our marriage. I learned more about him and his need for logical, rational, step-by-step thinking and he learned more about my whimsical, desire-driven, irrational thinking. But I can’t say how much hope it gives me to know why I have been being so irritable and angry at Travis lately–it has been my response to being hurt emotionally. That doesn’t make it right but it does point the way to the road of recovery.

Relaxation

Happy2BeKathyKluthe — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 19:27:00 GMT

Last night was the most relaxing night I’ve had in a while. When I got home from work, I cleaned up the kitchen for about 5 minutes (so Travis wouldn’t come home to a dirty kitchen). Then I read the Bible for about 20 minutes and took a 20 minute nap. I really could’ve gone to bed right then but it was only 7:00 and I had other things I wanted to do.

I think that I am severely sleep-deprived because I can’t read a book or watch a movie without falling asleep within 20 minutes. I try to sit up straight and concentrate but it doesn’t work. I end up falling asleep anyway. I read about 5 pages of a book each night and there is a list of movies that I’ve only seen the beginning and end of. I keep telling Travis it’s because our bed is too small (we just have a my full-size from pre-marriage days) but we really don’t have the extra cash to spring for a bigger bed right now. Maybe if we buy a house, we can roll one into our mortgage…

Anyway, after my power nap (as my mom calls it), I did Pilates and then took a bubble bath while singing along to Christian worship songs. I like taking baths but really wish I had one of those clawfoot tubs that were actually made for taking baths in. The bath/shower combos today really aren’t made for adults to relax and take a bubble bath. It’s too short for my 5′ 6″ frame and my neck has to stay rigidly straight because of the wall. Why do they even make tubs like that? I guess if you wanted to give your kid or your dog a bath it would work well.

After that, Travis came home and we fell asleep reading in bed, me about 20 minutes before him. What a great night.

40 days without chocolate

Happy2BeKathyKluthe — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:21:00 GMT

So like a lot of other Christians during the time of Lent, I decided to “give something up.” Even though I grew up in an Evangelical Lutheran church, my family didn’t really celebrate Lent. I do remember getting a wooden cross at the beginning of Lent and every Sunday leading up to Easter, getting another piece to add to the scene–some nails, a sponge for the wine, a pair of dice, a thin strip of purple cloth. We didn’t get a tiny crown of thorns though…maybe they considered it dangerous for little kids.

But I like the idea of celebrating the traditional church holidays. I mean, we celebrate Advent, why not Lent? The church that Travis and I attend out here doesn’t celebrate Lent though. At least, it doesn’t have an Ash Wednesday service tonight. I had kind of wanted to go. I even contemplated going to some random Lutheran church around here but that might just be weird. Add to that the fact that I don’t really agree with Lutherans’ theology either. Hmmm…

So the thing I am doing for Lent is giving up chocolate. I figure, it’s as much of a vice as any other. I eat chocolate like it’s going out of style. I know that I will have pangs of desire for chocolate during the next 40 days. So instead of eating chocolate (or just substituting another indulgence, like ice cream), I am going to use the time I would spend eating chocolate to commune with God. And whenever I am reminded that I can’t have chocolate, even though I really want some, I will be reminded that this world is not where I belong and I am bound for a better one.

Losing weight wouldn’t be bad either…

What is my deal?

Happy2BeKathyKluthe — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 16:37:00 GMT

This weekend was a hard one for me. I think I cried every day. I’m just having such a hard time in our marriage right now, not because Travis is mean or insensitive or distant. Rather, it’s because I am.

I’m just so discouraged. I get mad at Travis over nothing quite often. So he’s gotten to the point (and I can’t blame him) of always assuming that if I’m mad, I’m mad at him. So if I say something remotely stern or terse, even if I’m not really mad, he thinks that I am mad and reacts. He acknowledges his sinfulness but I can’t help but see that about 90% of our fights are caused by me. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a b$#%@. I feel like I fly off the handle at any little thing and not just when I’m PMSing. I know that ultimately, it’s because I’m a sinner. I also know that ultimately, I have been forgiven everything in Christ and that with the Holy Spirit, I have the power to conquer my sinful inclinations and desires to fight. But I just don’t feel like I’m winning or making any progress!!

For the past month, Travis and I haven’t gone even one whole day without fighting. Not only do I feel bad about our fighting, I wonder how much other newlyweds fight. I know the first year is supposedly the hardest. But why this hard? Is it this hard for other people? Am I just psychotic?

All I know is that I can’t keep living like this. It is miserable to always be fighting with your spouse, to be angry at them, have them angry at you, walking around on proverbial eggshells or making your spouse walk on them. I bawled in the car again last night and told Travis “Something has to change. Because I can’t keep living like this.” And as I lay this burden at the foot of the cross, I know that I won’t keep living like this–God won’t let me. Praise to Him for His faithfulness!

Learning to love in reverse

Happy2BeKathyKluthe — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 16:08:00 GMT

I went over to a friend’s house last night for a “girls’ night.” We watched The Princess Bride, a movie that I have seen way more times than I ever wanted to. So many people love that movie and I, well I just think it’s “okay.” I’ll watch it willingly and I’m not in pain the whole time but it’s not a movie I would ever choose to watch on my own.

One of the girls who came brought a Chicken Bacon Artichoke pizza from Papa Murphy’s. It is my new favorite pizza. It was soooo amazing! And with bacon on it, you’d think that it would be high in calories. But it only has 181 calories per slice! Even though I’m not a huge fan of bacon, this pizza is fantastic. I will definitely be ordering it again.

When I left my friend’s house to go home, I was really excited to see Travis. But I knew that excitement to see my husband does not equal a good night with him. I can get frustrated, emotional, and annoyed by just about anything. So as I was driving home, I asked the Lord to let me have a good night with him and not get angry.

When I got into our apartment parking lot, I saw that Travis had parked the Pathfinder in our normal parking spot. We signed up for the spot right next to it but there has been this red Chevy Corsica sitting there forever (even though the car owner doesn’t even have a parking spot!). We put a note on the car but then it snowed and was covered up. Plus, I don’t think whoever owns the car uses it often enough to notice changes from day to day. Anyway, since the red car was in our other spot, and the Pathfinder was in our usual spot, I had to park my car about 200 feet away from our apartment door in the spots that aren’t assigned to anyone.

As I walked from my car to our apartment, I wasn’t mad. I was thinking “Maybe Travis was going to move the car before I got back and he just forgot.” When I got inside, I said playfully to Travis, “You made me park far away.” And he said sadly, “Ohhh, I tried calling you to let you know just to park in the spot next to me because no one ever parks there.” “I wasn’t expecting a call so I didn’t check my messages.”

And I was frustrated. A slight cause of it may have been that I felt Travis was saying it was my fault that I parked so far away because I didn’t check my messages. But most of it is just that I’m incredibly selfish and petty. And I don’t feel love for Travis a lot of the time, which burdens my heart with sorrow.

Travis wanted to cuddle but I just wanted my space. I got annoyed when he touched me. So being a nice, understanding guy, he left me alone. I just laid on the bed for a while, not moving. Travis asked me if I wanted to talk. I started talking but the tears started welling up. I broke down and it felt so good to cry on Travis’ shoulder. He just held me and said he loved me, which continues to amaze me since I feel like I deserve no favor from Travis for my often-harsh actions and words toward him. What did I do to deserve such a husband?

And so I see that I am learning to love my husband, and starting to feel love for him again, by being loved when I am not loving…just like our relationship with the Father. He loves us unconditionally, 24/7, when we are most unlovable. And His love moves our hearts to love–”We love because He first loved us.” I know that my Lord is using these trying, confusing circumstances for good and for His glory. I am just beginning to see the rays of light poking through the storm clouds…

Sad day just got better!

Happy2BeKathyKluthe — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:10:00 GMT

Travis called about 1 hour ago and said that we did get approved for the car loan! YAY! Prayer definitely paid off. We are going to drive down to Colorado Springs tomorrow morning around 10:00 to go to the bank and do what we gotta do. I’m so happy that we’re going to have 2 cars at this time tomorrow!