holken's Blog

Sweet, Secret Indulgences

holken — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:40:00 GMT

The thing about indulgences is their permissive nature. Indulgences are dangerous. We tell ourselves that it's ok... "this is my only indulgence" and we make excuses... "I've had a really stressful day" and these indulgences kind of become a crutch. A hug, per se. Well now anymore. What is my secret indulgence? The milk chocolate covered graham crackers at Starbuck's. So delish. I'm not even kidding-- the melty, not so messy smore-ish taste with just enough crunch to perk up any mood. I'm so all over it. I need to stop though... silly expensive junk food! My will power might be stronger if there weren't a Starbuck's on every corner.

Oi vey!!!

I'm here vowing no more until.... I drop 5 pounds!

Competitive Birthday Buying

holken — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 20:39:00 GMT

I'm in a much less "hopeless" state today. I might even say that I'm in a good mood. With any luck I will be leaving the office by 5:30pm today.

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and Kenny is stressing himself with what to get me. This is because of what he did last year (which, I'm going to be honest, is going to be hard to top.)

Last year he made me, fully out of construction paper, a "Relocation Package" book, because it was shortly after that I would be making the move to NYC (it was his job that relocated us here first).

It was and is the most amazing present I have ever received. He had pop-up pages with all these designs he made, and he put so much time into writing it. The relocation package included:

a morning at the spa (mani & pedi)
a stop by the salon (hair cut & conditioning)
shopping for a new outfit
a new handbag
dinner at one of my favorite restaurants (Havana Central in Times Square)
tickets to Phantom of the Opera (my favorite... it was my 3rd time!)

Let me tell you, this was a dream day. And it was totally out of the blue, too. I know that he feels he needs to top it this year, but he doesn't need to. I told him I want to take a wine tasting class or something. I just want to spend it with him.

Not that I didn't try to top him on his own birthday last year. He had been telling me forever that he wants to ride in a helicopter, etc so I took him on a helicopter tour of Manhattan. It was so special, because we actually got to sit right next to the pilot and be up with all the controls, everything. Afterwards we went on a romantic dinner cruise in the harbor, which was also nice. This year I just feel like there are other things we should be spending our money on.

I might as well move to my office

holken — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:05:00 GMT

I'm going on 7 hours at work. Alternate Tuesdays are the worst because somehow everyone thinks it's a great day for late meetings. It's 3pm now, and my last meeting of the day is at 6:45pm, meaning I'll be here for at least 12 hours today. Ewww.

I'm getting the sense though that blogging is good for my well-being. It's so nice to be able to take a few minutes each day to lose the business jargon and speak as myself. Not that I always have a lot to say. It's just nice to have that outlet.

I have to keep reminding myself that all this work is going to pay off at some point. I'll make a million dollars, or be voted the best at something, or finally earn my keep and be able to work from home.

But for right now I'm just jealous. Jealous that Ken gets to leave work at 3:30pm most days. Jealous that some of my friends are at home with their little ones. Jealous that some people have truly fulfilling jobs. I hate to be a complainer. I'm not a complainer. I'm a leader. I'm hard working. I'm tough. It's just that sometimes when I'm sitting here in my office (which doesn't have any windows, mind you-- truly depressing) I feel like all I want to do is cry. How pathetic, right? God, please give me strength.

Writing this reminds me of those stories where people complain about their lives and so then they get stuck in someone else's shoes. I know, I know... we've all got it hard. I guess the only solution then is this--and I quote this goal for myself--I HAVE TO MAKE MORE TIME FOR MYSELF.

Woosh.

Ikea, Chemo and Catching Up

holken — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 13:04:00 GMT

On Saturday we went to Ikea to shop for our new place (we move in about 6 weeks!) Now if you live in Manhattan you know that Ikea is a day trip... you have to go up to Port Authority and take the bus out to New Jersey. It's fun though. We go about twice a year. I had to control what I bought because Ken kept reminding me that whatever we buy is just more that we have to move. Which is true. That didn't keep me from buying decorative rocks, though.

We did find a couch that we like, and an entertainment center. Now we just need to make sure that they match the coffee table we are getting from Crate & Barrel. The couch does, but I'm not so sure about the entertainment center.

Ken's dad starts chemo this week. The good news is that it sounds like it will all be outpatient. He'll get a two hour treatment at the doctor's office and then wear one of those mobile packs that gradually gives him more treatment over 48-72 hours. It's crazy how drastically his life has changed over the last few months. He used to never say "I love you" at the end of a conversation. I mean, it was always implied, but he kind of had a tough guy persona going on there. Now he always says it, and it just breaks my heart because we can't make his fear go away. I just can't imagine how one day you're working and providing for your family and the next you're not strong enough to get out of bed.

I just wish we could be there more. It's so expensive to fly back and forth to Michigan, not to mention getting time off of work. With the moving, and the wedding and everything this year my vacation days are already overbooked. We have talked about moving back to the Midwest (perhaps Chicago) next summer (July or August of '09) so that we can be closer to our families. It just really matters on where our jobs are, etc. Right now we're both doing so well that it feels like if we moved somewhere outside the city that we'd really have to lower our standard of living. It's probably best to save up money for as long as we can and then buy a house with as little debt as possible, where we can work making less and not have it affect us.

Tonight Ken and I are going to work on catching up on our reading. We're Christians, and we made a pact to read the entire Bible together before our wedding. We're doing really well! It just means a lot to me to have someone to do this with, to share our faith.

Okay, well back to work!

Tech-Free Night

holken — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 17:59:00 GMT

Ken and I decided that at least once a week we would have a "tech-free" night... meaning no TV, no computer, and most importantly-- I can only check my blackberry once before bed. My job is very demanding. Right now I work 50+ hours in the office, and probably another 12+ hours at home. I love what I do. Right now I'm organizing a regional mall tour and Broadway show. It's just so stressful and time consuming. (FYI... I work in the children's music/developmental programs industry.) I tell Ken that I don't want to be a 'corporate tool.' That's what I feel like sometimes. I can't wait to make my keep and spend my time being a mommy.

Anyways, tech-free night has turned out to be so nice! There are so many nice things we can do with our time. For instance last week we had a bottle of wine and played board games. Last night we had a nice dinner and just talked.

I'm so glad that it's Friday. Last night we went to bed at 9:30pm. It was amazing! This morning I was actually ready to get out of bed when the alarm went off. My goal is to get more sleep during the week, because often times I am so tired that when the weekend comes it's lights out for me around 11pm and I practically don't get out of bed until 11am the next morning (which, to be honest, is kind of a waste of day!!) I think I'm prepared for this weekend though. We're going furniture shopping for our new place, possibly going to the movies, and I want to spend some time taking photos of our apartment/neighborhood. Yesterday when I was walking home from the train station I started to get all sentimental about moving out of the Village. It really has become our home. I do feel though that we've outgrown it. And it's not like we're leaving NYC, just the Village. I'll be visiting often. I'm sure it's just the sentimental feeling of leaving any home. And famous neighbors. That will be a change of pace.

Working From Home & Irritated

holken — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:17:00 GMT

I've had this awful pain in my chest for about three days now--I'll describe it as a rattling-- so Ken encouraged me to work from home today. This is something I do NOT usually do (let's be honest, too many distractions!) but I think it's good to have the day of rest away from coworkers once in awhile.

I've been peeved about something for the past few days. A couple weeks ago my good friend of 9 years came to New York to stay with Ken and I for 4 days. It wasn't that we invited her. She told us she was coming to the city and of course I couldn't say no to her staying with us. Actually, I don't think she ever asked... but of course I am a welcoming person.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard work to accomodate her. Ken and I live in a one bedroom apartment in Greenwich Village, on the sixth floor of a walk-up building. We have a really nice apartment, but like many things in the Village it is small and cozy. Perfect for two. I thought that we had a great time while she was here. We took her to Times Square & Rockefellar Center, I took her for a walk to all the amazing shops in SoHo, we went to see Spamalot on Broadway, and Ken and I even mapped out her day on her own (as we both have pretty demanding careers, and we can't just take a day off, especially with our upcoming wedding/honeymoon). Anyways, I thought it was a great time.

Throughout the whole trip she kept telling me that on her last night she was going to take Ken and I out to dinner for our hospitality, but she was unwilling to pick the place. Ken ended up finding us this fantastic little Cuban place that wasn't too far from Magnolia Bakery (which is a place I wanted to take Allison for dessert-- one of my favorite haunts, and featured often on Sex in the City). The dinner was great... we enjoyed sangria, and live Cuban music... it's pretty much the reason I love New York (great food and wonderful atmosphere!) When the bill came though, we let it sit there for awhile (after all, she did offer to pay!) but when asked if our check was all set, we said no and Ken picked it up and our friend asked "oh, how much is mine?"

Now, Ken and I usually avoid awkward moments. I didn't say anything. Should I have? She had been telling me for four days that she was going to take us out to dinner. Knowing this information, Ken and I made sure to pick a moderately priced place.

It's not that I mind that she didn't pay for the dinner. I just wish she would have said something about it to me. Like "Oh hey I spent too much shopping and it's really not going to work for me to pay for you guys... I'm sorry" or something. I had never asked her to take us to dinner in the first place, so when she offered and then failed to do so it left me feeling like Ken and I did something wrong and she was disappointed in her stay with us, though I cannot imagine why.

I didn't care about the money. It's not an issue... it was just that she kept telling me and then all of a suddent took it back without saying why. The rest of the night went on fine and then the next moring I hailed her a cab to take to Penn Station.

Here we are, almost a week and a half later, and I haven't heard anything from her. This is weird, because this is someone that prior to the trip I spoke with practically everyday. I expected at least an email- thanks for having me! Or something. It was beginning to bother me so finally a couple days ago I asked her if everything was okay. I told her I felt like she was disappointed in her trip and was wondering if that is why I hadn't heard from her. Her only response was that no, it was nice to see the city, and she just had a lot on her mind.

This got me to thinking. I know that I did everything for her that I could while she was here. She knew that I would have to go to work and that I tried very hard to make sure she could do as many things as she had planned on doing while she was here. It couldn't be that.

Then it began to dawn on me. Not that I EVER mentioned it to her, but do you think it might be possible that this friend of mine thought that if she came all the way out here to see me, that I might ask her to be my bridesmaid? It's never been brought up but I wonder if it's one of those things that is just expected. Ken totally thinks that's the situation, and also why I haven't heard from her since she's left.

I don't know if I should mention it to her or not. I'm not going to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I asked Ken's sister Marie to be my Maid of Honor, partially because I was her friend before I met Ken, and partially because we are going to be SISTERS soon. I want to have a strong relationship with her. Then I also asked my cousin Kaity. I want to have a small wedding party. One that doesn't need drama-management.

I think I should just let it go... and if she is going to be dramatic/bitter then it's her own deal. I'm too busy for this childish nonsense.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Holly

So I need a blog...

holken — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 16:28:00 GMT

I used to be an avid blogger. In fact, I blogged before the word blog was a word at all. What was the word before? Web journal? I don't even remember. Anyways-- it's been a long time since those days, and now here I am again. Mostly for sanity sake. I mean, let's be honest. We all do a lot of talking everyday but is anyone ever really listening to our deepest thoughts and concerns?

8.5 months until our wedding day. I feel like I'm getting farther behind on getting things done. How do you know when you're doing the right things? I want to buy a dress but I want one that I'll still be in love with this Fall... etc. etc. The worst part is being so far away from EVERYTHING! Ken and I are getting married in Michigan. It's where we both grew up, it's where are families are, everything. Except us. We live 800 miles in a little concrete jungle known as Manhattan. It makes wedding planning difficult, but I can't complain.

Ken's mom has been a huge help with the wedding planning. I'm always so afraid to approach her though. About a month or so ago Ken's dad was diagnosed with colon cancer at the age of 43. He's had surgeries and he's doing really well resting at home before he starts chemo treatment. It's just so hard. Cancer changes your whole life. I know that Ken's mom wants to keep helping with the wedding but I could never ask her because I know she already has so much going on. Then again, I don't want to isolate her so she's just stuck in the situation with nowhere to go.

I also wish I could get my mom more involved. She's really just not into it. Probably because I have a tendancy to be picky and she just wants me to do it myself, and partially because she's very simple and had a simple wedding herself. It's not that she's not happy for us. She is thrilled. She just is NOT into the details... never asks me any questions, nothing. I wish I knew how to get her a little more involved even if she is so far away. I don't feel like it's right to beg her or anything. I mean, she's my mom, she's supposed to be into it!

I'm not the type of person that whines or complains a lot. (Well... depending on who you ask, I guess). Sometimes though I just feel like I can't do the planning without my mom. It's strange, because all my life I disagreed with her opinion whether it was what movie we should watch, what was considered being nice to my brother, or practically the color of the sky. Now I feel like this helpless puppy that can't pick out anything without her. I suppose it's all part about getting married. It kind of makes adult-life 'real-real.' I mean, don't get me wrong, I felt like an adult when I turned 18, and then again when I moved away to college, then when I turned 21, and when I moved to New York, but still! This is like change-my-last-name huge!