Posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 8:25 PM
Okay, the funeral service was nice, a very nice sermon was delivered, but you know what I could have done without, Oh probably Ron, Linda's husband and his presumed mistress up at the casket ripping flowers off the arrangements and sprinkling flower petals all over Linda's body and then see them taking pictures. "Really, are you gonna frame that? You gonna put it in an album, or just keep it on your camera forever to see the body that you disrespected? If you love her, is that how you want to remember her? No hair from chemo and about 75 lbs? I told Matt, "I don't care if it is flowers or anything else, you don't let anyone put anything on my body except for the clothes I get buried in." After today, I am thinking I know what will be done with my body. I want to be cremated. Matt can keep my ashes or spread me, I may have a preference later, but I want my family to be okay with whatever decision.
I love my Aunt Linda, but I haven't cried over her passing. I wished that she could have been there for her baby grandson to be born, but like I said, she will see it from heaven.
So, I decided that I was going to put aside my differences with Tom and Lindsey and be peaceful on this day to remember Linda and the great lady she was. Linda always took pictures of the family. My aunt Gloria came around and said that we should get a big family portrait. It was really nice.
Lindsey took a liking to me today. I don't know why, but she did. She is 6 months pregnant and when I went up to her, I was like, "Oh Lindsey, what is the name gonna be?" She told me and then just started telling me all about the nursery and I was so excited for her. I then said, I'm sure you get asked a lot, but "Can I feel your belly." I will always ask, I figure, some people don't like being touched, but she was like, "Oh yeah!" So I finished our talk and went to sit down. Later on, My mom was being talked to by three ladies who were related to Linda's ex. The ladies were like, yeah, she was like, "No, you can't touch me!" I was like, wow, did I really make that big of an impression on Lindsey?"
Well, I must have, because Lindsey let me, my super-classy and very well-off cousin from Maryland, and my very well-off and super classy aunt from Arizona in on a secret. She told us that she cannot believe we are all related to the rest of the blood relatives because all the other relatives like Linda and Sondra drank and they were so un-classy and crude. She really felt like she could identify much more with us. That is when we decided that we still didn't like Lindsey very much. First of all, she told us that our aunts or sisters were all crass drunks. We love our relatives, and we don't appreciate her insulting the dead and the mourning. Second of all, alcoholism runs in the whole family and my aunt that she complimented on not drinking has been treated in a facility for alcoholism, so "Go Lindsey, you just stick your foot in your mouth." You notice the quotes on the title, it is because I said it to her! I didn't want to hear her talk about my aunt that way. She may not love Linda and she may be happy that she is gone, but if Linda never existed, then Lindsey would have never had Tommy.
Tommy was a good man. He really stepped up, as a matter of fact, all my aunts and my Dad stepped up and people attended this funeral with open pocketbooks. The only person that didn't contribute to Linda having a lovely funeral and very nice burial, was her husband. He didn't give a dime.
So, I think the funeral would have been great if Linda's body had not been covered in flowers and Lindsey would have just faked morning sickness and stayed home. Other than that, it was a great time being around all the family. Linda would have loved to have been there, and I'm sure that she was there laughing along with all the conversation.
Posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 3:47 PM
So I know the title says if you are going to die. Well, it is a morbid thought, but there are no ifs about it. Everyone who blogs on this site and everyone else out there will die one day. Whether breakthroughs of medical science help us live til we are 600, it doesn't change the fact that our days are numbered.
The reason I am posting this is because I am dealing with death in a very weird way today. I have been thinking to myself, what would my lasts be? And I want to know, if you are able to tolerate the thought, What would your lasts be.
Where would you go on your last vacation? Australia
Who would you say "I love you" to last? My kids
What would your last words be? "Do you see what your Dad has driven me to?" or "Rosebud"
What is the last thing you want to see? the sunset
What would be the last thing you eat? I would eat a Nicaraguan rubbed New York Strip steak from Captain Andersons with a baked potato with butter and sour cream and bacon bits. I would want a lobster tail on the side and then a big piece of Strawberry cheesecake.
What would you do on your last birthday? I would love to go to Egypt and explore pyramids.
What would you want people to remember you for? I would want people to remember that I made them laugh so hard that they almost (or did) pee their pants.
Posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 1:13 PM
I am so busy that my head is going to literally spin around if I don't keep it held down tight. I wanted a 4 day weekend, but not like this. It would be easier if I had just worked tomorrow, but I have to go to the funeral. I want to be there. Things in the family just tend to fall apart in crisis down in Southeast MO. Time to talk with a drawl, pretend to like them all, and not cringe when they say things that are truly horrible.
The funeral isn't until tomorrow, and the drama has already started. Lets just say there is no way this funeral will remain civil. Between husbands and ex-husbands and estranged relatives flying in last minutes notice on a holiday weekend, there is a lot of questioning of who really loved Linda the most. How ridiculous. I am driving seperate so if Me and Matt and my sister Mads need to make a quick getaway, we can do so. Matt's boss said he can have the day off tomorrow for the funeral, if he comes in and works his 8 hours overnight. What a peach!
Anyway, gotta get back to work.
Posted Tuesday, July 01, 2008 11:52 AM
Well, I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I work in the same building my father works in now. I didn't hire on with his organization, but a couple months after I joined the company, my father took a job in my org, so we sit very close to each other. My Dad is now the boss of a lot of my friends.
Today, I went to work and everything was fine. I kissed my husband Goodbye this morning thinking everything is great. I brought some of the samples of what I picked out last night to work with me to show off what the house will look like, and I even brought the lighting catalogue to flip through during lunch.
I had a review meeting today. These used to make me nervous, but my supervisor is now a really good friend of mine. We usually schedule our sessions for an hour and chit-chat. While I was in my meeting, I heard the little beeps on my phone. Someone called. I figure, wait til meeting is over and I will call back. Then the beeps again, then message beeps, beeps again and again and again. I told my supervisor I was worried that something is wrong, so we cut our meeting short.
My Mom left a message and I checked it immediately, she just said, "Go to your Dad" I get close to my Dad's cubicle and I see a guy standing in there and I heard him say, "I'm really sorry." I walk in and my Dad is crying and he looks at me and says, "Linda didn't make it." My aunt, my Dad's sister passed away. I wanted to cry so badly but I held it together, if I cried, my Dad would cry worse and he was trying hard to hold it together.
She went catatonic last night and this morning she was not doing well. My Grandparents were with her, and her son Tom was with her last night. I hope he was with her this morning. I am very hard on Tom because he was not easy on his Mom and made it okay for his wife to be rude to Linda as well. Right now, I can only imagine that everyone is torn up. I miss my aunt. The last time I was with her, she was so frail, and she hasn't been able to talk for a year. She was always such a chatter-box. I think that is what makes me the most sad. I know if she could have done it, she would have talked up a storm, especially about her son and daughter-in-law who are pregnant with her first Grandbaby. A little boy, and Linda was over the moon about it. Tom was the one person in the world that Linda loved above all. She was not always good to him though, she was an alcoholic for the longest time and was somewhat absent from his life for about 2 years. For over the last 15, maybe 20 years, she has done everything to make up for the time, but her son had been told by his father's Grandmother that Linda was no good, meanwhile, his father was in prison for being a drug dealer and Tom regards him as a saint, and Tom never really gave Linda a chance after that.
I hope that before she passed away that Tom and Linda made their peace. I know that is what Linda wanted above all. I hope that her husband Ron was there and that he prioritized the little time they had left to be with each other. I just hope that Linda is in heaven and that she is talking to everyone.
The thing that made me want to cry more than anything this morning is seeing my Dad cry. My Dad is one of those men who are made of steel. They never cry, very rarely show that they are vulnerable. But my Dad has always been loving to the women in his life. He has his adopted Dad that he loves a lot, but other than that, his Mom loves him probably the best of all the kids, he has 3 sisters. His biological Dad passed away before he was born. He has my Mom, and Me and my sister Jill and my sister Mads. My Dad has spent his whole life around women and has always been so strong for all of us. Seeing him cry made me want to lose it. I have only seen my Dad cry for one other thing. He always cries when he thinks of my sister Jill. Now his sister Linda is gone. She was always one of my favorite aunts.
Before she was sick, she was always fun-loving and so full of life. I wasn't old enough to remember when she was struggling with alcohol. I remember her when she was happy. When I think of my Aunt Linda, I will always remember that she was late to every family event and the time she was so mad at us for telling her Christmas dinner started 2 hours earlier than it really did. She showed up, 2 hours late, which was actually right on time and she was fuming, but she loved us all so much, she forgave us pretty quickly.
If you have read this trough, all I can say is, my Aunt Linda didn't have to die. She smoked her whole life and heavily abused alcohol for too long. This is what brought Cancer into her life. She was just so damaged from the bad habits that her body couldn't repair itself. If you can quit, quit! and if you want a drink every now and then, keep it at that! Most people don't realize the damage to all your organs that happens with alcohol abuse. My aunt had esophageal cancer from wearing away on the lining from years of drinking and smoking. My aunt died because it spread through her entire body. She had a very miserable 2 years. By the end, she could not eat or drink, she had to use a feeding tube. She had no voice box and could not speak. She could not breathe on her own and was in constant pain and was in such a weak state from the chemo and radiation.
Seriously, everyone, try to take good care of yourselves. My aunt learned this way too late. Her past came back to haunt her. Don't think that you can live however you want now and be better later. If you smoke, try to quit, if you drink, do so in moderation. I know my aunt would have loved to live to have seen her grandbaby. I hope that she can see him from heaven.
Posted Monday, June 30, 2008 9:27 PM
I won't say that everything is perfect, but my husband is always an entirely different person when he has had a good night of sleep. We laid some ground rules today. They won't always be followed, but we agreed that we will follow them 90% of the time. It is almost easier to go down the main problems and talk about the solutions.
If Matt gets very angry, we will have an understanding that we will not talk it out and we will just go to bed with a written letter of why we are upset. The next day, we will go over the list and edit, and make sure we really feel that way.
About Japan and moving elsewhere. We will be in the new house for at least 5 years. If Matt wants to go elsewhere, after the five years, then we will discuss it in great lengths. We will weigh the options of what is best for us.
He said that the whole not wanting kids comment was made to hurt me. It was deliberate on his part. We did agree that not broaching the topic until at the least, January of 09. Then we will re-evaluate. Also, I can lose as much weight during that time that is possible to look good for Elisa'a wedding.
Also, the big part, we are going to work on having seperate time and together time. And making sure we have enough of each. A big part of the together time is establishing a bedtime of 11. At 11, we drop what we are doing with the exception of mandatory OT and homework, then we crawl in bed TOGETHER and fall asleep. On Fridays and Saturdays, bed together time is 1 am, and if we are out later than that, when we get home, that is bedtime after brushing teeth.
When it comes to the house, we are very excited about it. Because today was the day we picked out colors and carpet. We didn't expect to do what we did today, but we decided hard wood in the kitchen, dining and foyer. That was a bit expensive, but you can't say yes to laminate when you have hardwood next to you. Who in their right mind could actually afford it and not get it.
Matt and I got along great. We were joking and the carpet guy was hilarious. When we left the store, Matt said, he reminded me of the male version of me. I have always been a bit of a ham when it came to Matt.
I remember back to when I first met Matt. He was very quiet, I knew he was friends with my crush. Beck. Beck was his last name. I walked up to him and said, Hey, I'm Mandy. He said he was Matt. I said, you are friends with Beck, right? He said, "He's a loser baby." I said, "You should probably kill him" After that, Matt kept calling my house. My Mom was like, "This kid is creepy and I hate that he talks in a fake British accent, "He keeps calling you Mundy" I said, but he is rehearsing for a play."Charlie's Aunt" So we spoke in English accents to each other for about a year, we would see each other and Go "Cheerio!" It was our thing. Then at Six Flags one time, His friend Beck and his friend Nick, whom I dated both before I actually got with Matt for the final time, were running up and pinching my rear end the whole day. I remember talking with Matt after we were already dating and he asked me, "Do you remember at Six Flags when Beck and Nick were harassing you? I wanted to harass you soo badly too." I was like, "Aww, baby, that is the creepiest thing you have ever said to me."
I also thought today about the first time I met Matt's Dad and the last thing I said to him that night. The night I met his Dad, his Dad was on his best behavior. Meaning, I didn't know that he was going to be a dirty old man. Matt had already told his parents that I was not a virgin and that I slept with the guy who vandalized his Dad's truck. So I was nervous that they would think I was a 16 year old slut who was dragging their poor son into a world full of trouble. Anyway, everything was going very nice and proper, and Matt grabbed my hand and said, well, "I'm gonna take her to my room and get her liquored up now." I was stunned, never in my life had I had a drop of alcohol and I must have looked shocked, because Matt's Dad said, "Mandy, you tell him, Lips that touch wine, will never touch mine." I was nervous and I said the first rhyme that popped in my head. "But for lips that touch beer, the party's right here!" Matt's Dad said, "Ah, she is saucy, she's a keeper."
Matt and I can't just end things. We have history. I love this man. We aren't perfect right now. I guess after a fight, you walk around each other on pins and needles desperately trying not to stumble into another fight. You just try to be happy and flirty, and not too funny. Not too sexual. Matt wanted make-up sex today. I had to turn him down. He wanted me to use FAM, so I had fertile cervical fluid and there is no way I am going to take the risk of a champion swimmer becoming the next E-worth.
Things are better and I would like to think that I didn't freak out too much or lose my sense of humor today. But I am glad that we had the appointment with Jeremy who kept our appointment fun and let Matt and I have a great experience to facilitate a day of Good will towards E-worth.
Wow I am tired. But there is no way I am turning in before bedtime. I want to sleep next to my husband tonight.
Posted Monday, June 30, 2008 2:29 PM
that told everyone in the state of Missouri to drive like morons? I am working the second half of my day at home, the journey to get home which is about 30 minutes took an hour and a half!!!!! 2 car accidents and 2 almost car accidents. It was ridiculous. One car accident happened at my turn to get to my house. They switched the lights from arrows straight across to green yields. Now there are people pulling out in front of cars all the time. I saw a CRX get obliterated when he pulled in front of an SUV today. I made a stupid statement and was a half hour late for a meeting. They ended up canceling because I was not there. I didn't even take down the meeting number because why would I have ever thought that driving home at 11:30 would take 3 times as long as driving home in rush hour at 4!!!!!! I am going to quote one of the cheesiest bumper stickers I have ever seen. "If today were a fish, I would throw it back."
Thank God I brought my Def Leppard CD in the car with me to work today. Did I mention that my car-pooler called me early today and said, I have the flu, drive yourself without the garage pass, so I had to pay to to park in the stupid garage for a half day. Lord knows there isn't such thing as a half day rate..
Posted Monday, June 30, 2008 11:10 AM
So yesterday, we had a nice day, in fact, until last night driving home from my parents house, I had decided that it was about the greatest weekend we'd had in a long while.
On Friday, we played Halo 3 together and I didn't get sick from the graphics. I gave him some alone time, and then we went out to Home Depot that evening, and we went out to our lot and met our neighbor and stood and talked to him for about an hour and drank a beer with him. It was so much fun. His name is Jodie and he takes excellent care of his yard. All our neighbors are so nice. Then we went to El Maguey, my favorite Mexican restaurant and we both got a Jumbo Margarita. We just let loose and were silly. It was so funny because the table across from us, there was this seriously drunk guy and he dropped his fork, Matt picked it up and handed it to him and the guy said in a Jamaican accent, "Ah, God will bless you my brotha, this man is my brotha" I was tipsy, so I was laughing my butt off. It was just so much fun. I didn't even care that Matt didn't go to sleep with me. He stayed up late and played a game with his friend Nick again, like every night on the weekend. I didn't steal his cables by the way.
Well, then on Saturday, we looked at doors for the house and that was a lot of fun. Then we picked out our colors for the house at the office and finalized our contract. They are going to break ground this week. I was so excited. Then we went to my parents house and watched Spiderwick and worked on picking out lighting from our catalogue. That was the best part of the day. Then Matt and I went home. We had a ton of plans for the evening, but all of them fell through. So we watched an episode of Dexter and he got on his computer and I went to bed by myself.
Sunday morning, I felt like I wanted to make love, but he said he sweated in his sleep and wanted to be clean first, so he took a shower and I jumped in with him. He told me not yet. So after the shower, we made love. It was really great. It felt amazing. By doing it less and less and less, I really have come to appreciate how great it is. In the past, I had wondered if sex is my addiction. Since I am not getting it but maybe once a week for the past couple weeks, I am just very crazy. I feel like I can't focus, and I have nothing else on my mind. Matt says he feels like a failure at life and therefore feels like he doesn't want it.
Anyway, it was great, and I asked him if he wanted to go running with me in the park. He said no and asked if I would just lay on the couch with him and watch leathal weapon 2. I did. Then my parents invited us over for BBQ. We went and we talked for about 4 hours. It was a lot of fun. I baked a cake and we all had cake and lemonade on the back deck and it was a beautiful night. Matt agreed to play softball with my Dad this summer. Matt seemed really excited about it.
Then, on our way home, I was telling Matt I had such a nice time, and he was being sweet back to me. Then almost in an instant, his whole demeanor changed. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "I want to move to Japan." I was so shocked. He mentioned this while we were engaged, in fact, we had called off the engagement over it, because I have work here and I am the one who supports us. He would only make 30,000 if he lived in Japan, teaching English, like he wanted. He then said, he is not really sure about Japan, maybe just California. He said, in about 2 years. We are building a house. Why build a house if you want to leave in 2 years. I am getting my Masters and I am not scheduled to complete it until 2010, and then I have to work for 2 years if my company is to pay for it. I have a good thing going here.
He said that is such a shame, but he can wait, and the second I am done with it all, we are moving. We had agreed to 7 years here in St. Louis. I wanted to spend my life here. He wanted no time here at all. He said that if I am really in love with him, then shouldn't the only thing we need, be each other? I told him that we agreed to open the topic in 7 years, he said that he wouldn't be comfortable to wait 7 years? I said, well what, do you want a Divorce? He said no and kinda laughed it off like I was crazy? I said that I was just so shocked and we needed to talk about it more. He needed to do more research because living in St. Louis, an affordable place where we are building a great house and affording a very comfortable life is a lot different then paying 2 times as much for rent as we are paying on our mortgage and me not being able to transfer my work and me missing my family but not affording the travel would need a lot of convincing. He got very angry and said that I never support his dreams and that we are living my dream and not his.
I asked him, what dream of mine? He said, having kids and buying a house. I said, did you not want kids, he said, "No time soon." After everything we have gone through in the past few months, he said "No time soon." Then I said, did you want to pull out of the house? It would only cost 3,000 dollars to pull out. He said no, but he really did want to wait on having kids. I said ok, and it was him that really wanted them in the first place. He practically convinced me that I am ready. Now he calls it my dream. Well, yes, it is my dream now because he told me how great of a mom I would be and how I am ready, just too scared to step forward. Now It is all that I want and he says stop!
I went to bed and he came and laid down next to me. I asked him if we waited until my degree was finished and paid for, then I would move. He said that he didn't even want to speak to me. I said he owed it to me to talk it through. He said that "Since you brought it up, keep talking and you will get a Divorce." I just never felt so sick in my life. I was literally so heartsick that I couldn't breathe. The idea of Divorce is the scariest thing I have ever contemplated. I told Matt earlier that day, "You know I love you more than anything in this whole world, but what I am really happy about is that I like you so much too." I did not like the man I was sleeping next to last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and I laid my head on his chest and fell asleep again. Somehow, I thought that sleeping on it would make it better, but a few hours later, he must have woke up because he pushed me off and said, "Get off of me" and turned his back to me.
On my way to work, he called me and said that he knows that we need to talk. He said, "I really love you Mandy." and then he said that he will be home on time to go with me to our carpeting appointment tonight and to not worry and stress out this whole day. But there is a part of me that feels like my heart has been ripped out and stepped on and I just feel empty. The kind of empty you feel when you cried yourself to sleep the night before. Just a little bit broken.
Matt was contemplating a life decision for himself, not for us. Why would it not be second nature to think about how his wife is a part of every big decision now? I hope Matt and I get our chance to talk tonight. I also hope that after all of this, that he comes to bed with me tonight. I have always felt that any problem I have ever had could always be solved if Matt holds me tight until I fall asleep. Going to sleep with Matt makes me feel connected to him. We have to work something out, because it has become obvious that lately, Matt and I are not working out. We both feel like something is missing and we don't really work on it. We just finally make up from constant fighting and make love and cuddle a minute and things go bad later. We are not resolving the problem. I don't want therapy. I have had enough therapy for when my sister died. I know they help, but it is the last thing I want to remember. I just need a really big drink at lunch today. Then after a good sorrow drowning, Matt and I need to talk about what our real problems are and figure out a way to fix them (I guess, after our appointment with the carpet guy).
Posted Monday, June 30, 2008 9:42 AM
Matt went back on his word, about a very deal-breaker thing with us. We worked it out before the wedding and it was supposed to not be an issue anymore. It was a source of a lot of heartache then, and now it has to come up again? I just don't know what to think. I am just so confused right now. I cannot believe this is happening. We can still stay together, but we have a lot of things to talk about. I can't believe I was so selfish for so long about wanting a baby. Bringing a baby into this situation would undoubtably make me a bad Mom. We are not ready yet, who knows if we will ever be. This is just not what I expected from this weekend. I wanted to act like the D-word didn't exist, and stupid me was the one to mention it first. What the hell was I even thinking? And the house. What the hell was I thinking?
I am not getting a divorce, but Matt and I are really not good. I have no time to post, but I will write about it later when I have talked to him again. I probably shouldn't even bring it up, you will all probably freak out and ask if I am alright, and I am fine. I just don't even want to think about the problem today. I will post tomorrow.