No Longer in the Shadows
Posted
Monday, April 28, 2008 8:00 PM
I had a minor meltdown on Saturday. My sister announced she was going to London for a semester to live and I immediately felt the beginnings of sister envy. This used to happen to me all the time when I was younger. My two half sisters lived with our dad full time (until he and their mother split up), while I only saw him every other weekend. I grew up always thinking my father loved them more and wasn’t as proud of me. I felt like I wasn’t as good as they were (and this has continued through my adult years). Their mother has always had money and they take yearly vacations to Rome and Paris. They both go to universities where one studies foreign languages and one studies journalism. (You can see why I--married with no degree--worry that I’m living in their shadows.) Even though I’ve always been very happy, I've still felt like I’m competing with them (and losing).
So Saturday I called my dad, in tears, and asked (very pitifully I might add), “Daddy, are you proud of me?” He couldn’t believe I was asking him that. I said that I was worried he wasn’t as proud of me as he was the younger two because I wasn’t going to school, I didn’t have a plan, and I didn’t have a “real” career. He said, “You picked up your entire life and moved across the country for your husband. You bought your first house at 22 years old and set it up all by yourself while your husband was away in a foreign country fighting a war. I’m not only proud of you I’m proud of him! He left his new wife and his life at home to fight for those of us here. And you know that in another year or two you’ll have to pick up and start all over again. I’m so proud of you! You’re my hero!” At this point I’m pretty much bawling like a little baby. I was so happy to hear him tell me that no matter what I did he’d always be proud of me. I think his exact words were, “It’s who you are that I’m proud of. You could be a high flying career woman, but if you were a raging ***, you’d be a terrible person.” When I finished with him I called my mother, who echoed his sentiments by saying, "I don't care if you're a lawyer, a teacher, or a stay-at-home-wife. As long as you're happy then I'm proud of you."
I finally came to terms with the fact that I hate the idea of school. I’ve always hated school, I still hate school, I never want to go back to school. At least not under pressure. I want to go back and take French 101 again. I want to take Pottery and Culinary Skills classes. I want to learn about Nutrition and about in depth Composition. I want to spend my days off taking Belly Dancing! Maybe one of these day I’ll have hundreds of credits racked up and I can finally say, “Hey, look at that, I have a degree.” But I’m no longer going to stress out about having to go back to school. I’m not going to worry about having to pay an arm and a leg for higher education. (And, here’s the irony, the Federal Aid foundation says Jason and I make too much money for any type of aid. Try telling an enlisted Marine he makes too much money.)
Does it mean I won’t always have to good jobs? Yes. Does it mean I’ll have to bounce around? Probably. But am I doing that anyways because of the military? Yes. I enjoy being Jane-of-all-trades. The truth is I have so many passions that I can’t narrow them down to one thing I want to do for the rest of my life. Right now I am loving finance. But I’m thinking maybe I’d like to try radio interning the next time around or maybe working with the EPA or volunteering for PETA. And who knows, if something comes along that I find fulfilling, then I’ll pursue it. But it will be on my own terms, not anyone else’s.
And certainly not because I’m trying to keep up with my sisters.