The Nest

My So-Called Family

Posted Friday, May 23, 2008 5:18 AM

In college, my roommate came home one day with a family problem.  Her English assignment was to turn in a photo of her family at Christmastime and write an essay about what family means. For numerous reasons, this was a problem for her.

"Why don't you just use that photo of us standing in front of our first Christmas tree?"  I suggested.

So she did.  And she wrote an essay on how sometimes family isn't who you're born with, but who you make it with.  She got an A and her essay was used as a class example. 

I don't know where I picked up this idea of Family Fluidity, but I've always lived by it.  I have half and step siblings, foster siblings, and best friends I've considered family forever.  My bridesmaid's mother passed away a few years ago, and since that time, she's come to adopt my stepmom as a second mom.  She even gave my stepmom a Mother's Day present, and I've given my friend Birthday cards made out to Sister.

So where am I going with all this?  Glad you asked.

We asked my grandparents (grandfather in particular) to officiate our ceremony.  They were both proud and blown away and my grandma started crying.  I have my suspisions that they thought we would hit them up for money, so they were doubly surprised.  They were so happy to be considered.

The conversation veered toward other weddings: mainly my grandparents first weddings (to other people).  Matt was surprised to learn they had each been married before.  On the way home he started grilling me, and finally came up with this conclusion: "So, you're grandparents are in no way related to you."  Technically, yes.  These are my step-grandparents.

Then I threw in this kicker: "Actually, my grandfather is really my step-mom's step-dad."

Matt had to mull this over awhile, but I could tell he loved this new twist to the story.  I love it too.  This man who in no way is related to me, but has been an important and beloved part of my life is the man I trust to do something so special for us: tie Matt and I together in matrimony (literally tie us, since we're doing a handfasting!). 

Isn't this idea central to the theory of marriage?  Two unrelated people are joined as family, as each take claim to the other's family.  His mother becomes your mother-in-law, his sister your sister-in-law, etc.  I remember the first time I told Matt he was my family.  It was an emotional moment and he was going through tough times.  He asked why I would do "that" for him and I told him: "Because you're my family."  He cried.  Because he didn't subscribe to my Fluid Family Theory, he was deeply touched.

So in about 7 months I'll be adding to my (already humongous!) family in an extreme way.  Surrounded by my family and my so-called family as I make a new family.  And that makes me a lucky girl; one can never have enough family!