The Nest

Wednesday, May 16, 2007 3:09 PM

Q: Are any fights good fights?

A: Yes, in fact we find it a little suspicious when couples swear they don’t fight. As long as you are kind to each other while arguing -- no name calling or throwing objects -- studies have shown that fighting can lead to a healthier marriage, since hiding your feelings can just eat at you and your relationship.

But here are some rules about fighting fairly, so you can get the most out of the argument:

∙ Avoid repeats: If you find you’re fighting about the same thing over and over again, your heated words aren’t being effective, no matter how many times you say them. Find a new method. It might mean that you have to compromise or see a professional mediator (religious official, therapist, etc).

∙ Be open minded: As hard as it sounds, put yourself in your mate’s shoes to consider his point of view. Can you empathize at all? Try to. And explain yourself so he can do the same.

∙ Listen: Don’t cut each other off. The best way to get the most out of an argument is to really hear what the other person is saying and to try to figure out where they are coming from. The only way to do that is to stop thinking about how pissed off you are and to listen to what they are saying. So don’t plan the next point you’re going to make and try to learn more about the cause of this tiff. Oh, and keep your voice down. Everything sounds and seems much worse when it’s loud.

∙ Remember the real point: As much as you want to be right (hey, we hear you!), the purpose of this argument is to learn more about each other and what you need from each other. Try to find a compromise so neither of you has to “win” (unless one of you really screwed up). That way, the real point of this disagreement is fighting for your relationship.