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Friday, October 19, 2007 10:00 AM

How do we cool off after a fight without one of us leaving?

We’re sure you’ve heard the saying that you shouldn’t go to bed angry, but sometimes sleep -- or food -- can be the perfect cure for crankiness. Without going to separate rooms to just stew in your anger, decide whether you want to talk it out right there and then, or if it would be better to book a time to discuss. That’s right, as in an appointment. Think about it: If he pisses you off right before you leave for work, and your only time to discuss is later that night, the eruption tends to be smaller because you’ve had a few hours to cool off.

Using the same idea, the next time you’re about to brawl, say something calm like, “Hey, this is really upsetting to me. I need to decompress a bit and think things out. Let’s meet on the couch in 3 hours.” In that time, do what you need to think things through: write in a journal, blog, take a walk, go to the gym. Leaving the house isn’t the worst thing either. Just make sure you don’t call your mom or a friend. Keep in mind that you will ultimately move on from this argument, but it’s harder for your bff to forgive and forget.

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Comments

re: How do we cool off after a fight without one of us leaving?

My husband and I are a lot better at cooling off and taking some time before things get too crazy when we have a fight. And I agree, if that requires a 3 hour break for each of you to do your own thing, that's good. Usually it ends in a lot more civil and productive conversation about what's really bothering us, as opposed to bringing up nit picky stuff here and there, just b/c you're mad.

My issue is, our fights tend to revolve around me getting worked up about sex if we haven't had it for a week or maybe 2, and feeling my husband is interested enough; he's a contractor, so often he's very tired during the week, and I am too... so often, the good sex or sex in general is saved for the weekend. It is true that I do probably have a higher sex drive than my husband, but every time I bring it up, he always says it's enough, and that he is into me and we do have a good amount of sex. While I don't completely disagree, it is a matter of degrees to some extent, but there's change I'd like to see. However we can't get to what we want different, b/c his major problem, is that I keep bringing it up, which I think is affecting his ego, so we end up talking about me getting upset about it instead of trying to solve it or make it better.

I just want him to be a little more aggressive/initiating towards me. I flirt a lot and feel like I"m the one initiating, although he DOES, I know he does... but, I guess it was more? or more intense? or not always late at night when I'm super tired?

All in all, it's not a major issue, but one that kind of  'itches' at me... and need some advice.

Any you can provide would be great!

Thanks,

Posted by Meltex    Tuesday, December 11, 2007 1:17 PM


re: How do we cool off after a fight without one of us leaving?

I'm sorry I can't really give you any advice, Mel. But I do sympathize on where you're coming from.  My husband and I are in the exact same situation. I have a higher sex drive than he does, and he doesn't really make it a priority. I get really frustrated and sometimes angry at him for not being interested. He says he loves me and wants me, but sometimes I just don't see it.  Usually we just sit down and discuss it, and try to have sex on a day that we both have off work. We work together, so it's usually Tuesdays. Without making it a routine, try to spice it up a little bit. So when your husband does have a day off, just randomly ask him to go lingerie shopping and have him pick out the sexiest thing he sees. That'll probably make him jump your bones!

Posted by muffie1303    Saturday, June 21, 2008 7:13 PM


re: How do we cool off after a fight without one of us leaving?

it is important to talk things through

Posted by sharinadine15    Tuesday, July 22, 2008 8:55 AM


re: How do we cool off after a fight without one of us leaving?

Mel, the best thing to do is to start off by coming on to him and once he gets going then just tell him exactly what you want him to do. Most guys are very receptive to this as it turns them on it is a major turn trying to figure out what the other person wants in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't bring it up out of nowhere. And if it is trying to get him in the mood that is the problem then just try and seduce him to where he just doesn't have a choice make it fun and experiment alittle.

Posted by RubyCorenne    Saturday, July 26, 2008 4:07 AM


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