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Thursday, April 24, 2008 10:49 AM

How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

You don’t. You can say something like, “I’m just not as comfortable around your mom as I am with mine.” Emphasize that he probably feels the same way about your parents. Try to get him to understand that there’s just a closeness you feel with your own kin.

But if there’s something your MIL is doing that is consistently hurting your feelings (and possibly on purpose), the situation becomes a lot more delicate. In this case, you need to alert your spouse what is going on. Keep in mind that the best time to do this is when you can be calm. Say something like, “I don’t want to upset you, but I need you to keep a lookout for how your mom treats me during our next visit. I don’t want to sound crazy here, but I think she might be saying certain things to hurt me.”

It’s possible that he is going to be oblivious at first. He’ll think that there’s no possible way the person who raised him to be such a wonderful person could be so hurtful. Get him to at least open his mind that there might be a competitive factor now that you’re in the picture -- some passive aggressive (or all-out cruel) behavior and that one of you might need to say something.

Once he’s been alerted to the possibility, create a signal. Tug on your ear the next time she does something rude while you’re all together. Then he can determine how malicious her behavior is -- and stick up for you when needed.

Whatever you do, try not to create a catfight between the two of you. Let your husband see you as the bigger and stronger person, as well as seeing his mom in a new light. We promise, it’s much sexier this way.

Posted by The Nest Editors
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Comments

re: How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

that is a hard position to be in as i had a very overbearing arrogant mother n law that wanted to be the boss and her attitude on planning a wedding and the way she treated me led to my marriage ending after only 10 weeks of marriage. its amazing how an inlaw can ruin the best thing that can happen to you in your life just because of the way they are.

Posted by MICHAELJEN    Sunday, May 11, 2008 12:14 PM


re: How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

It's very frustrating when you have a very controlling mother-in-law and your husband doesn't see it. It took my husband a little bit to see how controlling his mother really is. I have to be careful of things I say about her around him cause she still is his mother. But since he's seen how controlling she really is, he's told her to stop and that we have our own life and do what we want and not have to do what she says. So it's nice that he realizes that she is controlling and stands up for us and understands how I feel about it. My husband is deployed in Iraq right now for 15 months and when he gets back we'll be moving to Fort Hood where he is stationed and I think it will help a lot being in a different state then his mother - she won't be so controlling!

Posted by SoldiersWife08    Saturday, June 07, 2008 4:07 PM


re: How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

Don't be so sure.  My mother-in-law recently moved to Florida after staying with us (taking over our apt) for seven weeks (layover between lease on old place, and moving into new place.)  Those seven weeks absolutely distroyed my relationship with her and now she insists on visiting for as long as she wants to whenever she wants to.  We just got into a disaterous fight this past weekend because she wanted to come and stay for 10 days, and I asked her to stay with her daughters place for a few of those days in the middle so we could have some space.  She blew a gasket!  It's her way or the high way and she doesn't care how much she walks all over you.  She's his mother, and outrageously unreasonable.  This was over me asking her to stay with her daughter for two days - Imagine when I have a serious issue with her?  (Imagine our wedding??!? Imagine when we have kids!?!?)  My fiance and I have a great, really strong relationship, but this (she) has been tearing us apart.  It's incredibly upsetting.

Posted by KL817    Friday, June 13, 2008 2:57 PM


re: How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

my mother-in law has decided to move IN WITH US permanently. My husband does not think this is such a bad idea. We have a 16 month old son who she repeatedly says she is going to do all sorts of activities with. This bothers me because I am a stay at home mum who is taking the time to raise my son.Please give me any advice on staying sane .p.s on the gifts yes last year she brought her christams themed towels when she visited for christmas and just after she left I donated them to GCF .

Posted by lulu_s    Thursday, August 07, 2008 12:54 AM


re: How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

OMG!  Somehow, its actually comforting to know others have MIL's almost as insane as mine.  But, at least your's continues to love your man - their SON - right?  She gets so pissed off that we never come over -- and it really is no wonder we never do, because she is always in a miserable mood, always putting everything anyone ever does down in a very obvious and negative way - like when we visited her after I had kidney stones, and she had no sympathy, just insults about my health habits "You drink Coke, and you don't exersize enough, and blah, blah, blah" and she's always mean to my man, her own son, about his weight, "You're so fat - you're just like you father.  You're just a big lazy ___ - choice four letter word."  I'm serious!  Its no wonder her husband drinks - I love him when he's around us because he doesn't and he's an enjoyable human being!  She has literally cussed her son out because he wouldn't come over and fix the fence right then - called him an SOB, which made us both chuckle a little later because look what she's calling herself!  I mean, its true, and he turned out pretty good for being an SOB.  And the wedding planning - OMG don't even get me started there.  No wonder her daugher eloped and moved far away.  Good thing I'm okay with letting everything go because I just want to marry him, because I'm certainly not getting a say in this whole thing!

And she's actually said she hates him.  To his face.  In a screaming fit because he accidentally offended a friend of hers.  How is that motherly?

Here's my thing : She is insane.  He knows and admits, to me and everyone else, that she's insane.  And, yet, I cannot say anything about her, he says she's not "That bad" with me (its just not directed at him, so he doesn't feel it the same), and we still have to go spend time with her!  AHHH!

Posted by anewb    Friday, August 15, 2008 10:48 AM


re: How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

To: anewb

Are you a sister-in-law that I don't know about?  Seriously, are we talking about the same woman?

I FEEL YOUR PAIN : ) Hang in there.

Posted by KL817    Thursday, August 21, 2008 3:05 PM


re: How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

I have heard that it is hardest for mothers to let their sons go and that is the case with my MIL. She can't accept that DH is married now which means he can't come at her every beckon call. She had the audacity to tell him that she couldn't believe that he has rules for his own mother. Obviously once he got married, his wife would come first! She has turned many relatives against us and has tried sabotaging our relationship several times. She is divorced and bitter plus we all know that misery loves company.

We do not speak to her and have not in months. We have decided to not let her steal our joy and go on with our lives. At first I used to hate her but now I pity her. For anyone to stoop as low as she has is pretty pathetic. The only thing I fear is when we have children. Will they know their grandmother?

Posted by Mrs*G.    Monday, August 25, 2008 9:29 PM


re: How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

We have been married for over 20yrs, have ONE child (because "Mumsy" decided it would be best to only have ONE) ~ I have hosted/planned 3-4 birthday parties for my MIL who has only hosted/planned our Engagement Reception.  DH's brother is finally divorced (after 3 years of being separated and had another child out of wedlock with another girl ~ I paid for the divorce because our Daughter kept asking why they arent married and his own boys from the previous marriage kept asking why....so I gave them the money to finalize the divorce ~ writing on the check to promise to be divorced in three months ~ that was 5 MONTHS AGO ~ and now I found out he has no intention of marrying and possibly splitting up and to mind my own business..??..) ~ over the past years with HIS family I have given over and over again and decided last year to stop and recreate my debilitated relationship with MY Parents and family ~ they died this past year after my refusal to bend over backwards with HIS family (doing all the traditions since every last one of them have been divorced and excommunicated from the church) ~ now HIS family keeps TAKING and TAKING ~ I wish I hadn't done what I did in the past, but will make a concerted effort not to do in the future.   This past year my MIL FORGOT my Birthday AND Our Anniversary ~ now she's going away on a cruise and we have to watch her dog while she's gone ~ not to mention I just accommodated her last birthday with over $250 in dinner/gifts ~ and she had the NERVE to say "Boy I must have been a good girl" ~ NOT!....ooommmppphhh..I am SO angry at what she has done ~ been wondering if I should go to one of those witchcraft places and get a HEX REMOVAL or something because according to DH she can DO NO WRONG.........(By the way when we first got married she took me out to lunch before hand and said she'd never be one of those mother in laws) ~ she was right ~ SHE'S WORSE!

Posted by Tracy489s    Wednesday, August 27, 2008 8:34 AM


re: How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

Well ladies...I think my Mother-in-law tops them ALL!! My husband and I got engaged v-day of 07 and planned a big wedding that we just had 08-08-08. We found out i was pregnant last aug so we got married in the justice of peace at the end of 07 and still wanted our big wedding later. She was the SWEETEST lady I had ever met....I LOVED spending time over at his parents house...we laughed..we drank...we talked about everything! Then once we got married..it was like the real side came out...and this whole time...my husband kept saying "my families wierd, my families different..don't get too involved with my mom or sister..." And I just kept telling him he was crazy they were soo nice...When I  was pregnant of course my mother wanted to plan the baby shower. His mother wanted to be involved, but she also wanted to be involved with our engagement party and was to come early and set up and bring a dish...ended up showing up an hr into the party and didn't help with anything...also wouldn't give us the addresses to invite his side of the family.. she said "she would take care of their side" (which she never sent 1 invitation out to his family, and we found that out later) so...when it came to the baby shower my mom wanted to make sure it went smooth and set things up...and asked her what day works best...whats her budget to put forth etc. We had everything set where it was going to be...a time and date and we went to his families house for a party and I thought this was a great time to pass out invitations...here I am 6 months pregnant and she says "Don't bother passing out the invitations...they wont come and I'll plan my own" I was heartbroken to think his family wouldnt come to this party..and that things were gonna have to be seperate..my husband said who cares pass them out anyways and whoever wants to come will...she looks at the invitation and says...oh we have to change the time..my youngest daughter has basketball then....so we changed the party from 2 to noon  and once again she said shell tell her family b/c they want to ride together..and she never told anyone the time change and showed up 2 1/2hrs late herself...and we were already done with games and eating and just finishing present opening so of course we didn't jump up to greet her or introduce her right away and she got offended...Then came the bridal shower...which all of my bridemaids and mother were planning(except his 2 sisters or mother they didnt want to be involved)...and she called my mother and said "I can't make it that day...I'm planning on having a bday party for grandma on that day..." and told her that I knew (which I didnt) that grandma's party is ALWAYS that weekend(which its not) and the funny thing is..my maid of honor called her prior to the invites going out to ask her if that date and time was ok b/c she also couldn't make it to the planning of the shower and she said Yes that's perfect..... She also then started talking sh*t about me to MY MOTHER and lied about me...and told her things OUT OF THE BLUE that I "supposedly said" When it came time to pick out dresses...my husband has a little 10yr old sister...who didn't like the dress I picked out...and I didn't feel it was appropriate to have the 10yr old wear the same dress as 27yr olds were wearing (an evening gown) and my MIL told me the dress I picked out was cheap and she wouldn't even pay 20dollars in material to make it herself and she DEMANDS I have the little girl wear the dress she wants to and switch her into my bridal party as a bridesmaid AND add her cousin to walk her down as a groomsman that I would never be forgiven and it would never be forgotten and my husband would be DISOWNED from his family if I didn't follow her orders....And I'm now almost 8 months pregnant at the time!!! Everyone kept telling me to stay strong dont give in...and I wasn't it was my wedding day..I was paying for it all myself I should have it the way I want it!! And my husband said it was all gonna end after the wedding just stick it out til the wedding let the little girl wear the dress and itll all be over with...so he gave it...and told them to do it. So the wedding has past (which his parents didnt pay for any of it...nor did they give us a gift) and things were settling down and his sister calls...she wants to take my baby (whos now almost 3 months old) for professional pics and give that as a present to their mother...and I said no..thats a present we give..and I have a photographer coming next week to take his 3month pictures...we as parents should be the first one to take pictures with him....We went away for our honeymoon and my little boy Jaxon stayed with my husbands parents b/c they asked if they could keep him and I said thats fine but I have a few rules...and what do you know...? THEY TOOK MY SON TO GET HIS PICTURES TAKEN! AND THEY TOOK A FAMILY PICTURE WITHOUT THEIR SON WHOS THE FATHER OF THE BABY!!! AND TO TOP IT OFF....THEY MADE US WAIT 30MINS AT THEIR HOUSE SO THEY COULD FINISH THEIR PICTURES....HOW F*D UP IS THAT?!?!?! When my husband called them at noon to tell them we would be there by 2 to pick him up...they said ok and asked him if they could go take his pictures...and he just kinda said yea yea yea fine he was loading up the car and not really paying attention so whe he told me thats what they were doing I made him get RIGHT back on the phone and tell them no dont do it...and they said you have ur way and I have mine...they also gave him a bottle at 230 am and played with him for an hr....which they were SPECIFICALLY told NOT to do so...my son has been sleeping through the night since he was 3 weeks old..and now for the past 4 nights has been waking up inbetween 230-330 for a bottle since they had him...and it's just the begining...

Posted by InItForTheLongRun    Wednesday, August 27, 2008 4:04 PM


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