Relationships

An old college friend who came to our wedding is getting married soon and didn’t invite us. Do I ask her about it? What's appropriate?

Nest Caitlin — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 16:25:00 GMT

If the wedding is really that soon, what’s there to ask? The bottom line: You weren’t invited. And to say something about it would not only be bad form, it would make you look bitter and petty as well.

Remember, when it comes to figuring out a guest list, the budget often dictates who makes the cut. Maybe she’s planned a small family wedding (not exactly the place for old college friends to hang out) and couldn’t splurge beyond that. Or perhaps her fiancé has a ginormous family that gobbled up the invites. In short, it’s almost certainly not about you. Hopefully that helps take the sting out of the snub.

My husband’s best friend just started dating someone new, and neither of us can stand her. How do we deal?

Nest Caitlin — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 16:24:00 GMT

The solution here is simple: Don’t hang out with her. Coordinating the chaotic schedules of four people who want to get together is almost next to impossible, so it won’t arouse any suspicion should you suddenly become unavailable.

Meanwhile, your husband can continue to enjoy guys’ nights out as always. Just ixnay the group plans. Whatever you do, avoid saying anything disparaging about her—you’ll alienate your friend and embarrass yourself. Besides, if he’s really so great and she’s so not, it probably isn’t a forever thing.

There’s a couple in our circle of friends who always has to “top” whatever is going on in our lives. How do we deal?

Nest Caitlin — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 16:21:00 GMT

Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, “It takes two to tango”? Well, in this case, it takes four. Believe it or not, you and your husband are partly to blame for the catty dynamic. Yes, really. You may be convinced that you don’t egg them on, but by dropping hints about the trips you’re taking or the things you’re buying, you’re subtly inviting them to one-up you. Plus, the fact that you even care shows that you’re competitive too.

The solution? You can take yourselves out of the game. Next time you see the Toppers, let them prattle on about their über-fabulous lives without breathing a single word about your own. By diffusing the situation, you may find that they no longer get under your skin. But, if they keep trying to lure you into competitive chitchat, pull the plug permanently. Life is far too short for frenemies.

My friend’s husband, who has a history of cheating, has been making some pretty inappropriate comments about my body. Should I say something?

Nest Caitlin — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 16:20:00 GMT

As you already know, this is a tricky one. Say something to your friend, and she’s sure to shoot the messenger. Don’t, and you’ll worry that you’re aiding and abetting a slimeball. Your best bet is (sorry, this isn’t easy) being swift and direct. Approach your friend’s husband discretely. Be firm—tell him that his comments are unacceptable and if it happens again, you’ll speak to his wife. The end. What happens in their marriage is none of your business, so don’t meddle. Just be there to support her if she asks for it.

How do I tell my husband I don't like my mother-in-law?

The Nest Editors — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 09:49:00 GMT

You don’t. You can say something like, “I’m just not as comfortable around your mom as I am with mine.” Emphasize that he probably feels the same way about your parents. Try to get him to understand that there’s just a closeness you feel with your own kin.

But if there’s something your MIL is doing that is consistently hurting your feelings (and possibly on purpose), the situation becomes a lot more delicate. In this case, you need to alert your spouse what is going on. Keep in mind that the best time to do this is when you can be calm. Say something like, “I don’t want to upset you, but I need you to keep a lookout for how your mom treats me during our next visit. I don’t want to sound crazy here, but I think she might be saying certain things to hurt me.”

It’s possible that he is going to be oblivious at first. He’ll think that there’s no possible way the person who raised him to be such a wonderful person could be so hurtful. Get him to at least open his mind that there might be a competitive factor now that you’re in the picture -- some passive aggressive (or all-out cruel) behavior and that one of you might need to say something.

Once he’s been alerted to the possibility, create a signal. Tug on your ear the next time she does something rude while you’re all together. Then he can determine how malicious her behavior is -- and stick up for you when needed.

Whatever you do, try not to create a catfight between the two of you. Let your husband see you as the bigger and stronger person, as well as seeing his mom in a new light. We promise, it’s much sexier this way.

What’s a good way to make friends with other couples?

The Nest Editors — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 15:01:00 GMT

This is a tough one. Because there’s no centralized place where all hip, young marrieds congregate, you’ll have to be a bit adventurous (and creative). Inviting coworkers or neighbors who are sporting rings out for dinner is always a good option. Getting involved in other community activities – volunteering, sports leagues, churches – is also a good way to meet other couples.

Another option is to try getting involved in things that duos do. Take classes together, hit up couples-only resorts, participate in couple-oriented competitions, etc. Brilliant idea: Head over to the message boards and start chatting it up with Nesties in your area and see if a friendship blossoms from there.

How can I get a night out by myself without upsetting my spouse?

The Nest Editors — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 16:25:00 GMT

Spending some time away from your spouse is perfectly normal (if not, healthy), but it does require a bit of compromise. Because you don’t want to send the message that your friends or time away from your mate is more important to you than your marriage, negotiate a ratio of togetherness and time apart that meets both of your needs. When you do schedule nights out with your crew or solo, make sure to let your partner know in advance. Like we said, it's important to have this space, just as long as it doesn’t make your married time sparse.

How can I get my spouse listen to me?

The Nest Editors — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 18:54:00 GMT

Start by turning off the TV, the computer, the video games. You get the idea. We are very familiar with this problem and have learned that many of us really can’t do two things at once (as in listen and type). We might think we can, but in the end, one of the tasks gets gypped.

The next time you have something important to talk about, say something like “I need your full attention for this, do you mind if I turn off the (insert annoying thing here)?” It sounds a little childish, but getting rid of distractions makes you the prime focus. Other tips for getting full attention? Create eye contact while you’re talking and hold hands or have contact in some way.