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Tuesday, May 08, 2007 12:17 PM

Q. Choosing masturbation over me?

Q. My husband and I have only been married for six months and I already feel like our sex life is suffering. We sometimes go several days without having sex, but he masturbates every day. Many of those times he does it when I'm at home with him! This makes me feel slighted -- like I'm not enough for him or that he'd rather masturbate than have sex with me. I've tried talking to him about it, but he doesn't seem to see the problem. How can I make my husband choose me over masturbation?

A. First, it's important to realize that his masturbation is probably the habit of a lifetime and so he does not see it as a problem, but rather as completely natural. Many men use masturbation as much for tension release as for sexual pleasure. That said, you should think about whether this is simply a tension release "exercise" for him, or if he does it for sexual pleasure.

If it's a tension release for him, have a tactful, loving conversation about him trying other things to relax -- like going to the gym or participating in sports.

If he masturbates for sexual pleasure, then you need to have honest, tactful, unheated conversations about how this makes you feel. Try to get to the bottom of why he masturbates frequently and then you can then start to move forward. It's important for him to gain more empathy about your feelings. You can try the approach of asking him how he'd feel if you masturbated daily and then ignored him in bed. The goal is to get him to put himself in your shoes.

I always say that masturbation is not a problem unless it's upsetting a relationship -- as it is in your case.

>> Have a question for Dr. Pam? Email her at: drpam@thenest.com

Dr. Pam is the author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure

 

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Comments

re: Q. Choosing masturbation over me?

You are not alone I've been married for 2 months and it saddens me to say that I am in the same boat. I like you, feel very hurt and as if i'm not enough to satisfy him... Just know it is their problem and that it has nothing to do with you. Now if only they could change! When I find a solution I'll be sure to tell you! ;)

Posted by christysec    Monday, October 01, 2007 8:00 PM


re: Q. Choosing masturbation over me?

From a man's perspective, masturbation is often faster, more convenient, and less tiring than getting a partner to play. But be assured that when a guy wants a mind-blowing orgasm, he doesn't visit Mr. Palm and his five friends.

Posted by RobGreer    Wednesday, November 14, 2007 5:11 PM


re: Q. Choosing masturbation over me?

My husband & I have a very active sex life.  This past January while he was in the bathroom getting ready for work I heard him moaning.  I asked him if had been masturbating & he said yes.  He said that he usually did it in the morning in order to "wake up".  I was very hurt & upset.  On another occasion, he woke up in the middle of the night & went to the bathroom to masturbate.  Of course I heard him.  This hurt me especially after we had sex 3 times in the course of the day.  When he came back to b ed I started to cry about it & he started to laugh.  He said that he never thought this would have been a discussion we would be having.  He said that he that he thinks of me when he does it.  This was not comforting.  With his first wife, he used to go to the bathroom & masturbate to finish himself off since sex was not enjoyable with her.  I could not help but thinking that the same was true with me but he assured me that this is not the case.  He said that sometimes he does it before going to sleep because it helps relax him.  I told him that we could have a quickie or I could give him oral sex but he says that sometimes he is not in the mood for that.  I am confused & very hurt.  For the time being we have a compromise that he does not masturbate.  But I can't help but think that this is something he enjoys & that I am taking it away from him.  My mind knows that this is normal but my heart does not.  Any thoughts?

Posted by Sita428    Thursday, December 20, 2007 10:14 AM


re: Q. Choosing masturbation over me?

I don't see how masturbation is a problem. With my guy, I know he enjoys sex with me..but with him, he only needs to orgasm once and then he's done and tired whether its by masturbation or sex. Sometimes when I'm getting him in the mood he'll start masturbating because he's in the mood but i'll stop him and tell him to wait. Thats about the only time i stop him..then after he's worked up, we have sex and then he orgasms...and masturbation is good for him when im on my period and cant give him sex because i ususally do it to him while he's touching me or i give him oral. So...i like when he masturbates.. i think its normal and in my opinion its only an alternative for sex when we need it

Posted by mrs.kaseyneil_    Thursday, February 07, 2008 12:24 PM


re: Q. Choosing masturbation over me?

Thy not to feel threatened by it; it's just a quick relaxer for them, not a substitute for intamacy with us.

Your husband may be stressed out over work, finances, anything really, and that can take a toll on your sex life. On top of everything he's worried about, now he has to make sure to please you, too. When he masturbates, he doesn't have to worry about anything, only relaxing himself. Or, could it be possible he feels you're too stressed, or just not in the mood? Maybe he thinks he's doing good by not pushing you.

Set up a surprise for him when he get's home one night. Have his favorite dinner ready for him, wear something sexy. He'll know where the nights headed. Make it a game, but take advantage of it. "How's work going? Is your boss too hard on you. Yes? Well, I'd love it if you bossed me around tonight"  "Are you stressed out baby? Let me give you a nice massage and get rid of some of that tension..." This way, you're opening up the door to talk about whatever is wrong afterward. If he doesn't bring it up (my SO usually says something like "Wow, I wasn't expecting a surprise like that. It's really nice to feel so good in the middle of all this stress at work..."), ask him yourself. Say something like "I know we've been a little lacking in our sex life, and I just want you to know I'm here to listen. I want to be able to help you relax".  He'll be grateful!!!

Posted by downtown addiction    Monday, February 25, 2008 6:37 PM


re: Q. Choosing masturbation over me?

I think masturbation is wrong. I used to do it for several years, adn after being married and found out my husband did it years ago ( but doesnt now) was amazing to know and hear, seeing we both got delivered from it. It IS bondage- this is true.. especially if you are doing it over and over a habit leads to sin leads to death. It can take the place of intamacy that is suppose to be delighted, directed, and enjoyed by and with your spouse. Im not saying I dont get tempted (were ALL human, amen?).  I have even fallen into it since ive been married, but God has reassured me that its not want i need, even what i desire! His grace was there to pull me out & love me despite my failures- failure to ssee Gods love, to love myself, and maintain my purtiy of mind heart & spirit. I desire to love my hubby, and love him completely as God ha shown us HIS love & set us free from that bondage. Relaxing, releasing tension.. call it what you want- its not intended for anybody, and is a complete distortion of the beauty of God designed in intamacy- one to each other belonging.

Posted by ShellyLopez    Friday, July 25, 2008 10:31 PM


re: Q. Choosing masturbation over me?

alright, leaving religion out of sex[ I always find it too messy to mix], masturbation for males can be many things, just like it is for us. you may find in time and experimentation that orgasms have different levels of intensity and feeling, and we can have them in many different ways. some men and wome can only reach certain levels of climax in specific ways, by intercourse or masturbation. make sure first off you don't put too much stress on him to completely stop altogether- he may feel pressured to not be himself. offer him different things in the bedroom than the usual routine... maybe even discuss mutual masturbation. thereis nothing wrong with a little experimentation.  

remember, GUYS ARE NOT LIKE US! no matter how well you know them, some things they just need time t grow out of old habits- and into new ones.

being married myself, I simply make sure that when I get the chance to heat things up and make a special moment, I do! we as wives have a duty to remind our husbands that even as sweet intellectuals, we all have a wildfire side. use it orlose it!

if he doesn't grow out of it, then ask him if e could explain why he prefers it sometimes to sex. understanding the why can make it easier on you.and  downtown addiction has some great advice.

good luck, hope this helps!

Posted by deminion_777    Monday, August 11, 2008 3:08 AM


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