Tuesday, May 08, 2007 4:09 PM
Q. Dwindling sex life?
Q. My husband and I used to make love every day, maybe several times a day, before we got married. Then after the wedding, things dwindled down. I am lucky to make love with him twice a month. Is it normal for sex drives to decrease after the wedding, or do you think there is something wrong?
A. This happens to 99 percent of couples. When two people first meet, they're fizzing with sexual chemistry and energy. A new couple can't get enough of each other and have more sex than at any other time in their lives. This period of lust is driven by many hormonal and biochemical changes (it's a "drive to mate" that even happens for couples who don't want children but still feel a desire for intimate contact).
But after time, a couple would burn out if they kept up this hot sexual pace. So once their bond is established, things tend to calm down. If couples aren't honest and open about how they feel about the lack of sexual contact, they can start harboring all sorts of doubts and worries. You might feel your partner isn't attracted to you anymore, when that's not the case; you might feel quite angry that your mate hasn't read the signs that you want more sex; and so on. That's why it's terribly important to have a loving and tactful conversation about this.
Two big culprits that prevent couples from finding a happy balance: routine and comfort. Even if both people agree they'd like more sex, most people fall into a sexual routine. And they feel daunted wondering how they can initiate new things and make it more exciting. Because, let's face it, once you start doing the same sex position every Saturday night, you get into the mindset that this is all you can come up with.
Then there's comfort. Men in particular tend to find that regular sex, at a predictable time, is comfortable. The once rampant stud seems to disappear in the comfort of the married relationship. Comfortable sex is great, but when men get too comfortable, they forget that even a small bit of effort will make their wife feel special and desirable again.
So it's time to talk with your husband without making it seem threatening. Always begin with a positive vibe, telling him about the good things you've got going on in your relationship. Approach it from the angle that you'd like to do more of X, Y or Z, rather than saying that you don't get enough of X, Y, or Z.
Next, introduce small changes. Simply slipping into a different position than the tried-and-true one is a start. Then if you tend to have sex, say, once every couple of weeks on a Sunday morning, set out to seduce him on a Friday night. Buy just a couple of sexy little items to wear. Have a CD ready with your favorite mood music. Make your bedroom a place of seduction, and banish things like laptops and work files. And always have scented candles and matches by the bedside.
>> Have a question for Dr. Pam? Email her at: drpam@thenest.com
Dr. Pam is the author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure