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Tuesday, May 08, 2007 12:12 PM

Q. Okay to desire other people?

Q. Is it normal to love your spouse and enjoy having sex with her, but still desire other women -- and want to have sex with them?

A. It is absolutely normal to notice and feel attracted to other women. It's part of human nature to be drawn to others' physical attractiveness. That said, I never condone taking such interest further. Some people may be tempted to cross the line. It's okay to notice someone attractive and fantasize about them. But then there are those that actually flirt with them -- and that's dangerous ground. So it should be a case of look but don't touch!

If you're concerned that you've been finding other women desirable and perhaps flirting with them, then you need to pull back on such behavior. Don't put yourself in the path of temptation if this is frequently on your mind. Liven things up with your wife. Take her away and pretend that you're strangers that have just met and then have wild sex.

>> Have a question for Dr. Pam? Email her at: drpam@thenest.com

Dr. Pam is the author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure

 

Posted by The Nest Editors

Comments

re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

yes, desire away.  

Posted by herculesbride    Wednesday, January 23, 2008 9:38 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

when you fantasize about other people, not your spouse, you are being unfaithful to your partner. if you think about them more and more, you're more likely to act on those thoughts.

Posted by caitybug    Friday, February 01, 2008 10:42 AM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

I respectfully disagree. I think that fantasizing about other people besides your spouse is a normal and healthy thing. When I say fantasizing about, I mean simply dreaming, or day dreaming about, not ACTING on on those thoughts/dreams. I am not talking about obsessing about the person in your fantasy (obsessing would not be healthy)...  When one takes the energy from the rush about having a fantasy that does not include their partner and then uses that energy to improve their relationship with their partner, it is helpful. If you ignore that you have these thoughts (or feel such guilt about having such thoughts rather than saying, it's just a dream and I'm not going to act on it) you're leaving yourself much more open towards crossing boundaries and actually acting on your fantasies.  Depending upon who/what your fantasizing about, it can be helpful to share with your partner certain aspects of your fantasies. For example, you are having a fantasy about being with someone else, but they are doing something new and different than what you and your partner do, tell your partner, "You know what I really have been fantasizing about... I want to try X position/place, what do you think?"

Posted by jen+micah4ever    Friday, February 01, 2008 5:48 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

I agree with caitybug. You are visually cheating by allowing yourself to go so far as fantasize about another person. I'm not denying that there are going to be people you see that are attractive, but that's all it should be. If you cross the line into fantasizing about that person you are crossing a boundary that shouldn't be breached. You just shouldn't go there. Now that being said. It is ok to fantasize about your partner and it's perfectly healthy to discuss what you've been fantasizing about. That can only help your relationship. And if you do find yourself in a predicament where you are fantasizing about another person you need to pray about it and talk to your spouse. You need to be able to discuss uncomfortable subjects such as this with your spouse. It will help you grow as a couple. Bottom line, you have to ask yourself "what good can come of fantasizing about someone other than my spouse?" Nothing. Nothing good can come of that.

Posted by twiggygirl    Friday, February 08, 2008 2:44 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

fantaizing about someone other than your partner is only a problem for the weak willed who will be drawn to act on those thoughts.

Posted by LatteKitten    Sunday, February 10, 2008 2:37 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

totally

Posted by mverno    Monday, February 18, 2008 11:36 AM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

What exactly is fantasizing?

Posted by curranm    Tuesday, February 19, 2008 11:57 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

I disagree that fantasizing is only a problem for the weak willed. It seems to me that if you understand what is behind the fantasy you can understand why you shouldn't do it. If you are fantasizing it means you "want" something more than what you have. But do you really want someone other than your spouse? If not then you shouldn't allow yourself to pretend that you do.

Posted by curranm    Wednesday, February 20, 2008 12:06 AM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

It's normal to notice if someone is attractive.  It's impossible not to.  HOWEVER, if someone is actually taking time to fantasize about someone other than their spouse, that's wrong in my opinion.  If you're gonna make the time and effort to lust after someone, it should be the person you are in a relationship with, lol.  If you can't get someone off your mind other than the person you're with, you need to evaluate your priorities and whether or not you should even be in a committed relationship.  That's my opinion, anyway.

Posted by dlreynolds    Friday, February 22, 2008 12:14 AM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

Alison'sHusband here... home sick from work and enjoying TheNest...

My Two Cents:

-Fantasy is normal, natural and healthy.  It doesn't matter what the topic is, your imagination is your own, unless you want to share part or all of it with someone else.

-Fantasizing is not the same as obsessing, nor is fantasizing the same as attempting to act out.  People fantasize about things they shouldn't do all the time.  It's part of dealing with Life's frustrations.  But if thoughts do lead to obsession or action, fantasy is not the problem.  Something deeper is going on.

-Everyone has their own personal beliefs about what constitutes cheating, unfaithfulness, etc.  Some are based on religion, some on insecurities, some are rational, some are not.  The point is to be realistic and clear with your own spouse and yourself about what is important to you.  

Personally, I would feel bad if my wife felt guilty or sinful if she indulged in a fantasy about someone else.  I am not the Thought Police!  I may not want to hear about her George Clooney/hot coworker/Brad Pitt fantasies, but as her husband, I'll most certainly be there for her when its time for her to blow off steam!  Because no matter who she fantasizes about from time to time, I'm the one she is committed to acting out with.  And I trust her.

-Alison'sHusband

Posted by alisonsimmers    Wednesday, February 27, 2008 1:36 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

I don't know that it is ok to desire someone other then you spouse.  Desire is to wish or long for; crave; want or to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request. To desire someone is very different then to occasionally have a fantasy about them. I know it is normal to look and check out people around you but desire is something much deeper in my opinion.

Posted by pete82    Thursday, March 06, 2008 1:50 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

Jesus warned against unclean thinking when he said: "Everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)

Posted by jmedor    Thursday, March 13, 2008 3:26 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

Looking or thinking is ok as long as you don't act upon those thoughts.  I often have random dreams about ex b/f's but know when I wake up that there is no one else in the world I would want to be with.  Being faithful is a must.  Everyone has those thoughts so it's natural.  Just make sure you keep those hands in your pockets! :)

Posted by salukis2    Friday, April 04, 2008 12:34 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

Desire and fantasize are different.

Is ok to fantasize?  Sure a healthy amount, not in a sexual I want to replace my partner kinda way.

But to desire someone else is not ok... this implies a wish to obtain this thing you desire.  Desire goes beyond a fantasy.

Posted by Steve&Aliy    Saturday, April 12, 2008 4:17 AM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

It's completely WRONG! It's unfaithful and inconsiderate! If you love someone why would you want to think of anyone else? It's stupid... If you're not finished desiring other people, don't get married!

Posted by nyyank4life7    Wednesday, April 16, 2008 12:36 AM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

I think it's okay to fantasize about other people.  If your religious beliefs tell you that it's not, then fine, go with those.  But I believe that as long as it's in your mind and you don't try to act out your fantasy with this other person, then what can be wrong with it?  If you're turned out by what you're doing in the fantasy rather than the person, talk with your partner.

Posted by Charli1172    Wednesday, April 16, 2008 9:28 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

i dont think there is a correct answer to this question. if you are simply fantasizing, and you dont feel that it is wrong, then there is no problem there. as humans, we are always going to find others attractive, even if you are happily in a relationship. however, if you find yourself fantasizing, but feel guilty or that it is wrong, then that is your right and you should do something to fix it, such as talking to your spouse about it. but personally, i think that dreaming about say, brad pitt isn't wrong. . because you're never going to take it further. flirting and obsessing. . that is wrong in my book.

Posted by xaleahx    Wednesday, May 07, 2008 9:25 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

Honestly, I think it's a moot point. Most human beings are going to fantasize about someone other than their partner at one point-- IMO, fantasizing that you had a partner who say, did the dishes more often or whatever is also technically a fantasy and isn't about your partner since the descriptor doesn't fit. Is that morally wrong? Having a fleeting fantasy is healthy and normal-- having a desire and obsession is a whole different ballgame.

Posted by LovelyMissNikki    Saturday, May 10, 2008 10:29 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

Also, if your partner does fantasize, there's no way to know or prove it. No one can be the thought police-- having less than proper thoughts in and of itself isn't wrong, it's when you act on them that you cross a line.

Posted by LovelyMissNikki    Saturday, May 10, 2008 10:28 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

Think of it this way, when we gratify our sexual fantasies with another, we rob our partner of that full and complete intimacy. Think what would happen if we focussed every sexual impulse on our partner, and starved ourselves from other stimuli. There would be no divorce, and no unfaithfulness. The unattractive qualities we may find in our partner now seem not all that bad when we stop "feeding" on other sources of intimacy. By focusing our complete sexual desire on our partner, the relationship becomes a wild romance. And by the way, your partner will wonder what got into you :)

Posted by hanant    Tuesday, May 27, 2008 3:44 PM


re: Q. Okay to desire other people?

I would suggest you read "Every Man's Battle" or "Every Woman's Battle." These books discuss this issue. It is an excellent book. I did "Every Womans's Battle" while in Iraq with a group of women.  

Posted by CatLady303    Friday, May 30, 2008 9:45 AM


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