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Tuesday, May 08, 2007 11:33 AM

Q. Worried about pornography?

Q. My husband prefers sex 4-5 times per week and for me 2 times is fine. Because of this, he has to masturbate and often uses magazines or DVDs to do so. I am not so much upset about the masturbations (which I think is normal/natural) than by the pornography. Because of it, I feel inadequate, mentally cheated upon, competition, and concerned about the future. Is my concern unfounded? Is this common in marriages so early on in the relationship?

A.Many adults use pornography in ways that don't harm their relationships or themselves. However it becomes a problem when one or both find it a problem. And you do!

You need to work out if your worries are more about being generally insecure as a person, or within the relationship, or whether these feelings come from a basic lack of respect for you on his part.

If you are an insecure person and he is a caring partner, then perhaps this is more about building up your confidence. However if he dismisses your feelings and doesn't take them seriously this is more about him being disrespectful.

The fact that he doesn't go online or on the phone it is a very good sign! Perhaps he just needs to be more discreet about his magazine use. I'm sure you two can find a way to talk through this and compromise.

>> Have a question for Dr. Pam? Email her at: drpam@thenest.com

Dr. Pam is the author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure

 

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Comments

re: Q. Worried about pornography?

Well, I have been in this same situation. I found that when I wasn't in the mood, DH would handle his own business via video porn,,,I know how the pornography may make you feel, I felt the same way at first. In the very early years of our relationship, I never submitted myself to lights in the bedroom, showers or anything that wasn't missionary. He is 20yrs my senior, with his age he had experience. He slowly taught me that my body albeit NOT what's seen in Hollywood *thank God* is the most beautiful & erotic body HE has seen & touched :o) Which was a huge boost for my confidence as well as opening my mind, body & spirit sexually, drawing us closer together.

He shares so much with me giving me a man's perspective that it helped me come out of my shell. He told me that he uses the pornography as visual tools. Not all men think this way though. Some use pornography in a negative way and that's when it gets out of control.

Why I decided to go ahead and record our lovemaking was when I noticed he would watch pornography when I wasn't in the "mood". And I admit I would get jealous because the woman on the tv had huge breasts & was doing things I would never do, which one time I seen the porn stars in a shower having soapy fun, it was pure eroticism. All touching, not even having sex, just sensual touching. It was great.

And of course at first I started to think that I wasn't enough for him in bed, which was far from the truth, he just was more sexually hungry than I at that time in MY life, where he was reaching his prime sexual years. **Come to think of it he was always very sexually hungry for me**

But ok...so since this was bothering me a lot & after we talked, he assured me that his watching other women & men having sex wasn't because I was not satisfying him...he just liked watching & masturbating…so we made our own video…only after the agreement of having to get rid of 70% of his small collection of pornography :o)

Which on one night we were celebrating New Years, we pulled out our camcorder & had some fun. It wasn't XXX hardcore pornography type..it was what our lovemaking was...erotic, sensual, lots & lots of foreplay,  while having fun and exploring ourselves together.

So with that..I am not saying to belittle yourself, never do that for anyone, but take the chance if you need too, ask your hubby what it is one "realistic fantasy" he may have & see if you both can work out the details.

Maybe you have one he can give you too..

Good Luck!

Posted by mstracey733    Wednesday, November 28, 2007 12:04 PM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

I don't think porn is a bad thing, it definitely can be misused, but what would happen if you joined your husband in watching some porn? Nothing too hard core, but something may spark your interest and turn you on as well. You may be more interested in having sex more than twice a wk. My husband and I will watch it together sometimes and I found I was more intrested than he was. =) It made me want to have sex more than the normal 2 times a wk. Anyway Its a great way to strengthen your sex life, and remember he is not having sex with the people in the movie, he is having sex with you, his wife. Thats all that matters. I think you should wow him one night and get some awesome sexy lingerie and put in a porn dvd. See how he reacts, you'll probably have the best sex ever! The main thing is to tell him how you feel, maybe you can compromise. I don't think your marriage is doomed at all, I think you should communicate your feelings, and be open minded. Why do you think men are attracted to those movies? Because the women are confident and in charge and they have lots of fun doing it. =) Good luck!

Posted by CaitlinJ22    Monday, December 10, 2007 2:46 PM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

To bring a bit of a different perspective, I don't think that pornography in any form is necessarily good for a marriage.  I've heard lots of talk about "being open minded," but marriage is less about openly pursuing the next sexual thrill than reserving that facet of your life as a special place for you and your husband to share alone.  Most women wouldn't be okay with bringing home some awesome sexy lingerie and another woman to go with it.  Although that might make for the "best sex ever" for him, bringing another woman into the room via porn video is still inviting another object for his attention.  Before television, most newlyweds did not peer into their neighbors windows for some voyeuristic fun. While television has replaced the proverbial window, there still seems to be something a little strange about needing to watch other people having sex in order to jump-start your own sex life.  Perhaps you don't have a problem with it, but there's also no shame in expecting your husband to share his sexual attentions only with you.  He married you after all, and you're worth it.

Posted by Harvardgirl09    Friday, December 14, 2007 11:00 AM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

I have the EXACT opposite problem. I am almost constantly ready to make love, but he's either stressed or something. Or maybe he's just shy to ask for it. I don't know. I've learned to love showers. ;)

Posted by dakabn    Sunday, December 16, 2007 3:26 PM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

I definitely draw the line at porn..if I caught my man with that he knows I'd be pissed. But, thankfully he knows that will upset me and he doesn't watch it..plus he doesn't need it because we do have alot of sex and he's not a sex addict. Most of the time he's the one who is tired and not in the mood for sex. He's never been big on sex and i'm his first real sex partner so he's gone years without it and has never wanted it much before me (pretty good for a 19 yr old lol). But now since he has me, he's gotten used to sex. And like I said he respects me so he never needs porn. But if he did, he knows I wouldn't be happy. The only time I would allow it is if we watched it toegether and it turned us on..THATS IT..other than that, I hate porn and have all those channels blocked on our tv!

Posted by mrs.kaseyneil_    Thursday, February 07, 2008 12:32 PM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

I agree with you, Harvardgirl09!

Posted by love2hike    Friday, April 11, 2008 1:08 PM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

I used to think that pornography and masturbation were a sign of a man's disrespect for a woman, but once I let go of my insecurities, I realized that for most men masturbation is just a cure for stress or boredom. As far as pornography goes, our rule is that I am the only one allowed to bring porn into the household. I have a folder of "approved" video files as well as a rather large, diverse selection of personal photos of our own sexual experiences which I update periodically to keep it fresh and interesting. Once I relaxed and gave up the "no porn" rule, I found that we were having sex more often and I actually felt much more attractive knowing that while I was at work he was masturbating to pictures of me!

Posted by adfess    Thursday, June 12, 2008 7:49 PM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

pornography is addicting for men since they are visual. If you are using pornography in any form it will eventually take a toll on your marriage. The images of what is seen in pornography stay with you forever and are very hard to shake. One day your man (or woman) will try harder porn to get off and could eventually lead to adultery. Stay away from it - take it from someone who has experienced it and has comforted many wives who have experienced it as well.

Posted by cutieg    Thursday, July 24, 2008 9:41 AM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

I have issues with porn.  For a couple of years, my boyfriend (then husband) was paying for and downloading porn on the internet VERY often.  I found out by snooping.  I know snooping is a No-No, but there was something weird about our relationship, and I couldn't figure it out, and he wasn't saying.  I found the order confirmations in his email box, then found his account on the site and logged in to see all the titles he'd downloaded.  Not to mention the various sites in his internet history...

Before that, we'd watched porn together twice... I thought it was just fun.  I really NEVER imagined it'd be what it turned into.

He knew how bad it hurt, but it kept happening.  

We eventually solved the issue by lots and LOTS of talking and lots and LOTS of note-writing.

I still can't handle the idea of pornography, whether it's "harmless" man/woman sex or other more "serious" situations.  It makes my skin crawl.  I think it's just all the lies that were involved, and the fact that it was an addiction for him and a HORRIBLE heart-breaking experience for me.  I'm thinking it's quite pointless as well... but everyone has an opinion and I respect that.

To this day (3 years later,) he'll randomly tell me how sorry he is, and I know it still bothers him (as it does me as well.)  I think we both learned the bad side of it.  

To each his own, but I wouldn't take it lightly EVER.  Always make sure you're analyzing the relationship as well.  Is it addiction?  Is it making you feel horrible?

I was a pretty confident person, especially in our sex life, until I found out about the porn.  My life came crashing down... never really thought of myself, men, or porn the same since.  Luckily my husband now understands what I went through, we've built the trust back up, and he's proactive about staying away from the temptation.

Posted by FullersGirl    Tuesday, October 21, 2008 6:34 PM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

Edit that... he WAS my boyfriend... NOW he's my husband.

Posted by FullersGirl    Tuesday, October 21, 2008 6:36 PM


re: Q. Worried about pornography?

I just have to say that porn can become an addiction for some men, but for most it's just a visual aid.  Men don't normally have as active imaginations as women.  Men typically get a bit more joy out of it with an aid plus it makes it quicker and easier.  Also many couples use videos. mag. stories in the bedroom to add a little extra.

Posted by vbcouple    Thursday, October 30, 2008 12:49 AM


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