The Nest

Friday, October 05, 2007 7:46 PM

Q: Don't orgasm during intercourse?

You asked: I don’t orgasm during penetrative sex, which, I should point out, is okay with me. Since he enjoys giving me oral sex and I can orgasm that way, I didn’t think it was a problem. My husband disagrees. Apparently he feels like it is somehow his fault that I don’t climax. While I don’t physically enjoy sex, I emotionally enjoy it when he orgasms. I would be satisfied with just that, but I don’t know what to do about him. After we have sex, he gets emotionally withdrawn and makes negative comments about our sex life. Then I feel bad, and it ends up making us not want to try again. Please help!

A: That you’re more likely to orgasm through oral sex is what about 70 percent of women experience to one degree or another. So obviously, this is not unusual and you are not alone! The reason so many women successfully climax through oral sex is because it’s easier to maintain the right amount of pressure and stimulation. The fact that they can have a climax this way rather than through penetrative sex is often simply because they haven’t managed to learn how to get the right friction and stimulation through penetrative sex.

Now as a vast majority of women climax better through oral sex, many have to deal with their partner’s “disappointment” that he can’t give them orgasms regularly through penetration. This really is your husband’s hang-up, stemming from the fact that he feels complete responsibility for your sexual enjoyment. He wants you to enjoy sex the way he thinks you should -- through penetration.

But you don’t, so where does this leave you? It leaves you needing to communicate better that your sexual enjoyment (just like his) is a mutual responsibility. And one way of getting there isn’t better than another. That is, whether you get pleasure through oral sex, penetrative sex, manual sex, or a vibrator really doesn’t matter, as long as you both believe that sexual pleasure is important. You don’t have to get it by a set route.

Let him know the statistics -- many women find it hard to reach orgasm during penetrative sex. It may be that their partner needs a different rhythm that does excite them. It may be that they can’t get their clitoral region stimulated against their partner’s pubic bone. But the solution could be the CAT: clitoral alignment technique. This is where you are on top of him, shimmied up an inch or two, with your clitoral region against his pubic bone. You then guide how you move so that you can maintain good clitoral stimulation. The agreement is that you dictate for how long and in what way penetration occurs. It’s almost as if you’re masturbating against his pubic region.

Hopefully by explaining to him what I’ve told you and also trying the CAT, he will start relaxing about how you reach orgasm.

>> Have a question for Dr. Pam? Email her at: drpam@thenest.com

Dr. Pam is the author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Plea