Friday, November 02, 2007 7:11 PM
Q: Connecting emotionally?
You asked: Lately I haven't felt emotionally close or connected with my husband when it comes to sex. The sex is great, but the emotional connection is lacking. How can we connect more intimately?
A: I'm so glad you got in touch because this is a dilemma that many people find hard to fathom. When someone feels that they are disconnected from the emotional side of lovemaking, we think, "How strange! But they’re wrong: What I usually find when a someone feels this way is that they tend to have a lot of stress in their life. Perhaps they're working long hours or maybe they've got young children. Other worries may be on their mind. So although they can certainly enjoy the physical side of sex, they're quite drained emotionally and don't feel a strong, intimate connection. The worst-case scenario is when someone disconnects from the physical side of sex and simply goes through the motions without any pleasure. Thankfully, that's not what you're describing.
What I'd like you to do is to think through your life and all the demands you must meet, particularly ones that affect you on an emotional level. If you do an “emotional inventory" of your life, I wonder if you'll find quite a few "pulls“ on you that are draining you emotionally. Once you've taken the time to assess how many responsibilities you have and how much they take from you, you should decide to either set boundaries on how much you give of yourself to these things, or whether you can give up some of them.
Next I'd like you to regain an emotional connection during foreplay. Here are a few tips:
1. Take things slowly before you have sex. Really build up what I call “before-play." This involves checking that you both feel OK, not having any discussions of stressful things, and being as caring and loving as possible.
2. Ask him to give you verbal feedback about what he's feeling when you touch him. You also need to give him the same verbal feedback, telling him things like, “It feels so good when you do that -- I know how much you love me when you touch me that way."
3. Keep good eye contact during foreplay. Look into his eyes with love and desire -- build up the trust it takes to watch each other during foreplay and sex.
4. Ask him to do something for you that's pleasurable and sensual, like painting your nails, washing your hair, or spoon-feeding you dessert. I call these SEPs -- simple erotic pleasures -- that deepen your emotional connection.
5. Take a moment or a number of moments each day to remind yourself why you two fell in love. Or send an email complimenting him on his best attribute. Reconnecting in those tiny ways will help.
Finally, we do tend to idealize what sex should be like. Often our ideal isn't attainable; however, if we can reach something that's at least satisfying for ourselves and our partners, then that's a pretty happy place to be.
>> Have a question for Dr. Pam? Email her at: drpam@thenest.com
Dr. Pam is the author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Plea