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Thursday, February 21, 2008 10:57 AM

Am I placing too much emphasis on what happened in the past?

Q. I recently found out that my husband had lied about the number of sexual partners he had before me – the number is much more than he let on. He explained that the reason he kept it from me was because he was so ashamed of his past and he thought that if I knew the truth at the beginning of the relationship, I wouldn't have wanted to be with him. The thing that upsets me the most is not his number of sexual partners, but the fact that he lied to me about it for so long. Am I placing too much emphasis on what happened in the past?

A. While I understand that you're upset about his lying, you really need to let this go. There are few people who are genuinely honest about their number of past sexual partners. It takes a really confident and sexually carefree person to own up to the exact number. This is because many of us will do things when we're younger and single that when we look back on, we feel a bit ashamed of.

Make it clear to him that from now on you don't want any lying in your relationship. Also make it clear that you're going to put this behind you and it's not going to become an issue. If you have an otherwise good relationship, and love each other, you've got to remember that his past experiences shaped the person he is - and that's a person you love.

>> Have a question for Dr. Pam? Email her at: drpam@thenest.com

Dr. Pam is the author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure

 

Posted by Nest Dr. Pam Spurr

Comments

re: Q: Disturbing sexual past?

You fell in love with your spouse on that certain day and on that day, their number was still what it was before you. Whether you knew it or not, you fell in love with them, their lifestyle, and their number whether you knew the right one at that time or not. What is in the past is in the past. Everyone has previous dirt that could be dug up, but just bury it and let it stay in the past where it  belongs. Move on and move forward in your life together.

Posted by brookeandnathan    Monday, April 21, 2008 5:33 PM


re: Am I placing too much emphasis on what happened in the past?

Yes.

Posted by TribalLoneWolf    Thursday, October 09, 2008 1:20 AM


re: Am I placing too much emphasis on what happened in the past?

if it were me, im sure it would upset me, but then after a lil while id get over it.  Im a person who will get mad about soemthing and give me soem time and then ill be alright. You my be mad now, but give it a lil time, you will get over it. you love him and so u'll forgive him about it.

Posted by ocean lvr    Thursday, October 09, 2008 6:16 AM


re: Am I placing too much emphasis on what happened in the past?

My husband and I had both only had one partner before each other, or so I thought.  When I found out my DH not only lied about the number by corrected himselve once increasing the number after we'd been married 3 months and then after about 9 months of marriage increased the number again, I was completely disgusted.  But like the pp all said, it's over and done with.  I told him not to lie anymore and moved past it.  We're married.  Better or worse and it's not worth losing sleep over.  He has to deal with the number more than I do.  It wasn't my decisions, it was his.  And I'm sure he feels much worse about it than I could ever.

Posted by Twinkz    Thursday, October 09, 2008 9:55 AM


re: Am I placing too much emphasis on what happened in the past?

I know this day and time is very different from when I grew up in the 70's and 80's as far as sex and diseases. But does it really matter how many partners your husband had before you if he was disease free when you got together? You say it's because he lied is the reason that you are upset the most. Ask yourself this: If I had a lot of sex partners prior to hooking up with my husband would I actually tell him exactly how many? Bottom line is that it really doesn't matter now.  You are married, and you should put all your energy into forgiving him. Stop wasting it on being upset about something that happened in the past, before meeting him, before marrying him. Life is too short to spend to much time worring about things that are not in your control or can not change. The past is the past. You are each others future. Just focus on the present and you will make your way to the future with him.

Posted by Ravon17    Thursday, October 09, 2008 11:42 AM


re: Am I placing too much emphasis on what happened in the past?

I have to disagree with most of the comments above.  The thing that concerns you is not the number, but the fact that your husband lied about it and everyone seems to be giving you an answer about the number.  I would sit down with your husband, talk about why you felt hurt.  that lying in a relationship isn't healthy.  I would expect an apology from my husband, and while I would get over it, and still love him no matter what, it would still make me question fights and things said for a little time afterwards.  

Posted by whit&ryry    Thursday, October 09, 2008 12:34 PM


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