The Nest

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

That is soooo wrong. Giving another guy oral when you're in any relationship is an obvious no no! Not only will you feel like a skank for doing it, he might regret asking you to later in life!

Posted by s_arbuckle    Saturday, October 25, 2008 8:27 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

i think he is testing you dont do it

Posted by allmindz    Wednesday, October 29, 2008 7:53 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

I think this is way out of line. Most people would be horrified at the thought of their lover being with someone else in a sexual manner much less to actually witness them being sexually intimate with someone else. That is absurd.

Posted by RJR1219    Friday, November 07, 2008 7:37 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

I think he's trying to finish "sowing his wild oats" before you get married. You need to have a serious conversation with him about it and only consent if you feel you want to do it, not because you feel like you should!! Maybe you have something you want him to do? hehe

Posted by kpcw    Wednesday, November 12, 2008 2:12 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

It really just depends on your relationship as well as how you, individually, feel about this. In no circumstance should anyone perform a sexual act or engage in sexual activity that they don't want to or feel comfortable doing--it should be fun!

And secondly, there are many successful, serious relationships who participate in "swinging" and there's nothing wrong with that if its something you're doing TOGETHER, as a couple....but it's definitely not for everyone and its something you should only do if you're very secure and happy with eachother and your relationship.

Posted by melissalynne    Thursday, November 13, 2008 10:47 AM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

It really just depends on your relationship as well as how you, individually, feel about this. In no circumstance should anyone perform a sexual act or engage in sexual activity that they don't want to or feel comfortable doing--it should be fun!

And secondly, there are many successful, serious relationships who participate in "swinging" and there's nothing wrong with that if its something you're doing TOGETHER, as a couple....but it's definitely not for everyone and its something you should only do if you're very secure and happy with eachother and your relationship.

Posted by melissalynne    Thursday, November 13, 2008 10:49 AM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

BEWARE>>>I had an EX fiance like that and he turned out to be a sex addict with a lot of underlying mental problems. Luckily I escaped but not emotionally unharmed!!! RUN AWAY!!!

Posted by buckarooFilms@cox.net    Thursday, November 13, 2008 10:54 AM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

I think that Dr. Spurr is reading into your question a little bit- her advice seems to be directed towards the issue of feeling pressured or disrespected, which you didn't explicitly state in your question. If you ARE feeling that way, then by all means her advice is sound.

But I think it's just as possible that your question came out of a genuine curiosity about whether this was a healthy fantasty for your fiancé to have. As a previous poster mentioned, there are lots of couples who engage in swinging, swapping or group sex, and as long as there is a constant, health dialogue and stream of communication between them, that can be right for some people.

Bottom line is I don't think you should automatically assume that this is an unhealthy thing. Listen to your gut: does his request seem to come from an unhealthy attitude towards sex or you? Or does it reflect his willingness to share a very deep and personal aspect of his sexuality because he trusts and respects you?

You know him better than anyone in the world- you'll know whether this request is unhealthy or not. Once you've figured that out, and based on your own sexual fantasies or curiosities, you'll know what to do...

Good luck!

Posted by econnell    Thursday, November 13, 2008 7:10 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

I think that he is exploring a side that he thinks will make him hot and make you look even sexier, i would say don't knock it before you try it, (unless this make you feel uncomfortable), but really, ask him what  he imagines this will do for him and if there is another way to make him feel this way, just in case you don't feel up to this. Exploring sensuality and understanding your future  husband will only make the sex hotter once you understand what turns him on even more then before it will make your intimate life together stronger, but don't use these tools too often or it can be a bore, but just get into a bit, you never know what may start turning you on!

Look at Sting and his wife you don't see them complaining, communication is key to  a happy marriage

talk about this and maybe future actives.

Posted by mrs.boyce2be    Sunday, November 30, 2008 12:59 AM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

if its something you might be considering the only advice i have is make sure that it is something that he really really wants. men have all kinds of crazy fantasies, but its one thing in their head, and another thing when its really happening. men are much more visual than we are, and i think more territorial also. i think that while girls tend to be more open to threesomes with other women, men tend to feel like they are loosing a bit of us in threesome situations with other men. also u may run the risk of having to answer the "was it better than when you do it with me? is he bigger than me?" question for the rest of your life. and god forbid u don't feel like doing it for him one day u may be reminded about how much u sure liked to do it with "him"..... just some thoughts to consider... lol.

Posted by pixieluv    Sunday, November 30, 2008 6:34 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

you should try setting up in front of a mirror and proceed to pleasure your man, treating him like a totally different person! Let him watch in the mirror and fantasize about how your pleasuring someone else.

Posted by utbabe    Thursday, December 04, 2008 12:14 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

Whether your fiance gives you permission or not, you would be unfaithful to him if you were to carry out this fantasy of his. People are morally not supposed to be sexually intimate with anyone other than their spouse. I agree with "utbabe"'s idea. Using a mirror. Then he can fantasize in his head that it's someone else, and still get the physical pleasure/stimulation of the act. Fantasies are just that: fantasies. And fantasies should remain in the head. Talking about fantasies is fine, and trying to live out your partners fantasies in a way that is healthy is a good thing to do. But I would definitely steer clear of doing anything sexual with anyone besides the one you are marrying. The one you are giving your life to forever. The one you are becoming One with. Explain to him how you feel about this and if he isn't understanding about this one thing, there will probably be more trouble on the road ahead with this guy. If he understands, he is a keeper, worth your life.

Posted by Kyle&Lisha    Friday, December 05, 2008 12:22 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

My husband and his friend had sex with his ex (at the same time, her suggestion) and he still remembers it.  I think the fact that it was her idea made him feel like it was alright (they were young like 16), but now he has ZERO respect for her and wishes he had NOT done it.

Posted by raknerudbride    Thursday, December 11, 2008 4:10 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

If you have to ask, you are obviously appalled by it. Don't ever do anything you truly don't want to do. Of course fantasies are fantasies but you should be asking him why he would ever want to see you do anything with another man, its just crazy. A man who is in love wouldn't ever have this.

Posted by brooke1114    Wednesday, December 17, 2008 8:35 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

If you have to ask, you are obviously appalled by it. Don't ever do anything you truly don't want to do. Of course fantasies are fantasies but you should be asking him why he would ever want to see you do anything with another man, its just crazy. A man who is in love wouldn't ever have this.

Posted by brooke1114    Wednesday, December 17, 2008 8:35 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

The botton line is that if you were cool with this and wanted to do it then you would have done it by now and wouldn't be asking for advice.  It's not that, inmy opinion, there is anything intrinsically wrong with it if it were something you were both comfortable with but you are not and he needs to respect that.  You may need to have a serious conversation about both of your sexual needs/wants before getting married.

Posted by Hawaiianjeca    Sunday, December 28, 2008 12:52 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

That's extremely degrading.  I think you might want to reconsider investing your happiness in someone who would treat you that way and want to pass you around to other men like that.  Shame on him.

Posted by Katie Michael    Sunday, December 28, 2008 9:56 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

I would kick him to the curb! Plain and simple.

Posted by MCJunkie    Monday, December 29, 2008 1:17 AM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

My concern with this is, what happens if and when you do this? Is it going to lead to him wanting to act out other fantasies of his, possibly involving him and another woman?

It's definitely time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your fiance about your sex life, fantasies, and where both of your boundaries are. You need to do this asap to avoid bigger problems later on.

Posted by luckygohappy613    Monday, January 05, 2009 8:00 AM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

yes, you should be very concerned.  he does not respect you if he is asking you to do this.  when someone loves you they only want you and no one else.  if you do this for him no telling what he will excpect from you next

Posted by christy14    Monday, January 05, 2009 6:34 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

I think that maybe you should give this pleasure only to your man and no one else if he wants to see you please someone else that way have him dress up in a disguise and make a video of you pleasing him the way he wants to see you pleasing another man, this way you are still being faithful, but he still gets his fantasy and this is one that he can relive over and over again.  I think they call it roll play.  The way this works is that he cannot see his own face in the video and maybe he is wearing some costume he got for Halloween or some "Zorro" outfit, but he gets to enjoy the fantasy while you are making the video and why not please him while he watches the video. Double the pleasure. Maybe you could dress up for the roll play too.

Good luck either way, Just remember this (you cannot take back what has already been done) and I have watched way too many couples split up for things like this.

Posted by lloydminkus    Tuesday, January 06, 2009 10:18 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

there are a lot of narrow-minded responses on here that seem to assume everyone should have the same Christian morals as they do.

This isn't a reason to be alarmed, this is a good opportunity to talk with your fiance about both of your sexual expectations. Obviously neither of you should be doing things you are morally or physically uncomfortable with, but if you are both comfortable with "swinging" or experimenting with other people, then go for it! It can be fun and good for your relationship.

Posted by lisatlantic    Saturday, January 10, 2009 9:51 AM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

I would question if he would be using this as an excuse for indiscretions later in life.  Make sure if you do comply he won't use it against you in the future.

Posted by haalhorn    Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:49 AM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's gay. Or so says my husband. He thinks that he wants to see you doing this so that he can imagine himself in your place. Not sure I agree but he's adamant I post it. Either way, don't do it. Your fantasies should be fun for both.

Posted by soon2basimmons    Sunday, January 18, 2009 7:50 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

He's gay and he's a pervert.  

Posted by new2marig    Saturday, January 24, 2009 10:32 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

yes! what if this is one of those tests. i mean what straight guy would want to see another guy with his lady.

Posted by mamacass7    Wednesday, January 28, 2009 4:09 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

As someone who has stood in your shoes:  Don't do it.  Someone else said has he done this before?  Has he had group sex?  What is HIS history?  Doing this before you get married does not mean he won't ask this of you later, and certain appetites SHOULD NOT be indulged.  Even if you feel fine with it, this will hurt both of you.  I assume you want to be married because you want to make those promises to him, and want those promises from him.  People may say different, but marriage changes you, and your relationship.  Obviously he understands this because he specified BEFORE marriage.  Be a good wife and say no.  Trust your gut.  Lots of marriages have broken up because of sex addictions.  If he loves you, he will curb certain appetites if you need him to.  And even if you think you don't, you do.  

Posted by Brigittassen    Thursday, January 29, 2009 11:34 AM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

Dont do it ! you need to ask your self a question? what kind of man would ask the girl he is going to marry to be with another man. Yes we all have fantasies but not all are played out. I will tell you your relationship will change and not for better. Sorry you have to go throught this.

Posted by Chel&Jeff    Saturday, January 31, 2009 5:14 PM

re: Should I be concerned about my fiance's fantasy?

hey this would work for any number of people i'm sure, you know the kind in the back of the weekly papers lol but yeah its wierd if thats the complete opposite of what is already established. maybe its the act of watching you perform that excites him, have you thought about filming the two of you so he can watch that?

Posted by us847    Friday, February 06, 2009 11:57 PM