Friday, October 17, 2008 9:57 PM
What's your take on open marriages?
Q: I just finished a book by Jenny Block called Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage in which she writes about her open marriage and why it worked for her. She says that people cheat because they want to keep their current relationship while satisfying their desire for other people, and that’s what an open marriage allows. What's your take?
A: The idea of an open marriage is a very interesting concept. It may seem incredibly appealing to many people because they could have a stable relationship with passionate flings whenever and wherever they felt like. Scratch that image! The reality is very different than the fantasy when many couples actually experiment with it.
I haven't read any studies about how successful open marriages are, but I’ve heard many stories about them and talked with people who've tried them. On the whole, it's a very rare couple that finds an open marriage to be a success. Both partners have to be utterly confident in each other and not feel like the other person is looking for a “better deal” elsewhere. They need to have exceptional communication skills to ensure that they keep sharing their expectations for the relationships outside their marriage and adhering to ground rules they set. They also have to demonstrate clear respect and trust with their partner in order for it to succeed. That's a tall order when you think of how difficult it is to manage one relationship, let alone one relationship plus additional sexual flings.
I haven't read Block’s book, but the fact is that many married people cheat because they’re incredibly selfish and immature. They don't know how to improve things within their marriages, so they look for an easy way to get extra attention and sexual release.
If this is something that's on your mind and you think your partner would consider it, the only way forward is tactful and honest communication about it. Be warned, though: What seems like a good thing at the beginning may well end up being a nightmare once you're in the midst of it. Finally, no partner should feel pressured to enter into an open marriage.