Friday, August 29, 2008 6:32 PM
Q: My husband says that sex seems different after the birth of our first child. Besides bladder control issues, however, I don’t notice a change. What could it be? He’s being vague.
A: You’re experiencing what many men and women do after a baby arrives. Suddenly your husband sees you as the nurturer and caretaker of his precious child, and many men find it hard to see their wives in any other role. Sometimes a bit of jealousy creeps in too, and the man feels that he must play second fiddle to the baby.
Make sure your conversation doesn't completely revolve around your child. Each day you can briefly catch him up on what’s happened with the baby, but then open up the conversation to subjects relevant to both of you.
Don’t forget that you two are still a couple. By emphasizing that to him, you give him the message that although parenthood changes a lot of things, it’s still about you two. Wear clothes that make you feel confident and sexy so he sees you in another role besides that of a mother.
Make a few romantic gestures -- text or email him a sexy message or put a flirty note in his things before he goes to work. You might feel that you’re doing all the work, but just a few small gestures will wake him up to the fact that you’re a multifaceted woman: mother, friend, partner, career woman, and a hot lover!
Also, I recommend talking to your health care provider about your bladder control issues, and be sure to do pelvic floor exercises twice a day.
Friday, August 29, 2008 6:24 PM
Q: Am I allergic to sex? What are some of the reasons that my sex drive is non-existent? My partner is still into it but I just don't ever feel like doing it and when I do, it’s a chore.
A: Whenever someone tells me this, the very first thing I asked them to do is look at their lifestyle. Do you work long hours? Do you have a long commute? Do you have lots of chores to do at home? Do you have any time for yourself? I think you can tell where I’m going with this!
Next, I ask the person how they respond to such stress in their life. Are you drinking because you feel stressed? Are you too busy to eat nourishing meals? Again, I think you can guess where this is leading.
If you’re extremely busy and not looking after yourself, your sex drive will diminish. The only solution is to reprioritize your life and let your partner know that you’re doing so. If he's beginning to think that you don’t find him attractive anymore, then this will show him that’s not the case.
Schedule dates with him and treat these dates like the ones you had when you first began dating. Don’t dwell on the stresses and strains of your life; instead find some lighter subjects to talk about. Slowly but surely you two can reclaim some romance, and that’s what will ultimately lead to a higher sex drive.
Friday, August 29, 2008 6:23 PM
Q: I’m getting married and I’m a virgin. What’s the best way to put on a condom? I don’t want my first night with my husband to be a fumbling affair devoid of romance, but we're clueless!
A: The fact that you’re thinking about this now means that it’s much less likely to be a fumbling mess! It’s always smart to plan ahead so that you two can have a fabulous first night together.
To guarantee success, you should both practice beforehand. You can do this on your own or together, which allows you to turn it into a little bit of playful fun!
Buy some condoms and a penis-shaped vibrator -- or a smooth-skinned cucumber that’s on the smaller side -- to practice on. Begin with the most basic step: Read the instructions on the box of condoms. That way, you'll know how to open and use them. Next, place the unrolled condom over the tip of the vibrator and slowly unroll it downward. Once you've done this a few times, you'll realize that with some low lighting and a little mood music, putting a condom on him -- with or without his help -- can be a great part of your foreplay.
Here’s a sexy tip -- get some condom-friendly lubricant (it will say so on the bottle or tube) and squeeze a few drops into the tip of the condom before rolling it on. It will feel lovely and moist as if he were really feeling you.
In the future, though, you may also want to consider using an additional birth control method.
Friday, August 29, 2008 6:22 PM
Q: My husband is disabled, which makes it difficult to vary our sex routine. His disability affects his arms and legs, so he can’t do any of the typical male-dominant positions or stand up for long periods of time. Doggy style is a favorite of his, but really hard for him to do for a long enough time. Any suggestions for positions that are more female-dominant?
A: First of all, I commend you for trying to work this out. Many people, when faced with a hurdle in the bedroom, simply give up and decide it’s not worth working through. Know that you’re already doing the most important thing by staying connected with him as a lover.
You’ve raised a topic that I rarely have the chance to mention, which is that people get stuck in the idea that once they start a sex position, they have to continue in that same position until they reach orgasm. It is far more interesting -- and in your case makes it far more physically possible -- to vary positions during one sex session.
You might start in one position and then slowly come out of it while you caress each other before moving into another position. Not only is this ideal for anyone with a physical problem who can’t maintain a position for very long, it’s ideal for keeping sex interesting!
It sounds like any of the positions where you’re on top would help. Consider the “reverse missionary” where you lie on top of him with his legs between yours, or sit up in the “cowgirl” position where you’re kneeling above him -- this also gives him great access to your breasts. Or you could try the “spinner” -- where, from the cowgirl position, you turn 180 degrees so you’re sitting astride him but facing his feet. This way he can enjoy touching and caressing your butt during sex.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008 9:20 PM
Q: I used to think a lot of things were kinky, but now I’m not so sure! What do you consider kinky?
1. Multiple people
2. Insertion
3. Food
4. Public or semipublic acts
5. Anything "messy"
6. BJ after him finishing in you
Maybe I can get some good ideas to try out!
It’s not what I consider kinky that counts! Kinkiness is in the eye of the beholder, so what’s kinky to one person may not seem kinky at all to another. You might find your partner has very different ideas about kinkiness than you do. Your list ranges from “kinky-lite,” as I like to call it, to quite “serious” stuff.
Try suggesting something that you think you both would like from your previous sexual experiences together. Simply talking about kinky fantasies can be a huge turn on, so you might want to start that way. It’s best to ease into things gradually rather than diving into uncharted waters headfirst. For example, if you have an interest in bondage, buy some handcuffs instead of immediately pulling out a huge whip the first time you suggest it.
Be prepared to compromise. If your partner asks you to wear bondage gear but you don’t want to dress head-to-toe like a dominatrix, consider buying one piece of sexy bondage clothing rather than the whole outfit.
Adult shops and online sites sell a variety of things to spice up your sex life. Surprise your partner by suggesting something mildly kinky and then set regular (or occasional, if you prefer) “dates” to try out these ideas.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008 9:08 PM
Q: Is it unhygienic or unhealthy to shave or trim your pubic hair?
No, it’s not necessarily unhygienic or unhealthy as long as you use common sense. Use a clean razor and shave gently to avoid nicking the skin. Many women’s razors are now contoured and flexible in a way that makes intimate shaving easier.
Many women are hesitant to shave or trim because the regrowth may be itchy or unpleasantly sensitive for a few days. Nevertheless, the benefits can be fantastic. Many women report greater sensitivity to touch leading to more powerful orgasms when their pubic hair has been removed. Some men also like a “shaven haven” because they get to see their partner's delicate -- and what they consider beautiful -- genitals.
Waxing is a great alternative to shaving. The pubic hair is pulled out at the root so it takes longer to grow back and is often finer when it reappears. If you don’t want to go to a salon, most pharmacies and supermarkets sell at-home waxing kits. For more permanent results, try electrolysis or another type of laser technique.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008 9:05 PM
Q: Is it possible my clitoris is bruised? I think I stimulated my clit a bit too hard while my husband and I were going at it. This morning it’s still sensitive and hurts a little.
Yes, vigorous sex can bruise and even cause little tears to the clitoris, labia, vagina, and cervix. This is nothing to worry about unless it happens repeatedly. Continuous over-stimulation may leave you prone to infections. The more tearing and bruising you sustain, the more susceptible you are to bacteria finding a “home” in the fragile tissue.
Ask yourself whether or not you like vigorous sex. Many women do, but others only put up with it to please their partners. Be sure to communicate with your husband so he understands how sex affects you physically and to make sure you get stimulated in a way you like. Nevertheless, if you do enjoy what I call “athletic sex,” then make sure you’re well-lubricated before your husband enters you.
After sex, don’t use a douche that contains strong perfumes or chemicals since they can irritate your genitals. I suggest gently washing yourself with a clean washcloth dipped in cool water.
Filed under: Pain
Posted by Nest Dr. Pam Spurr
Tuesday, July 08, 2008 9:00 PM
Q: Do genital piercings (particularly the vertical clitoral hood and Prince Albert) live up to the hype?
The hype that they increase sexual satisfaction or that you'll end up with nerve damage, infection, and irritation? Unfortunately, piercings can do both!
In terms of what I hear, the majority of people who get genital piercings end up regretting it. Yes, a piercing can tickle and tease your clitoris, but you have to be careful not to snag it on your underpants, jeans, or during sex. Not only is it important to go to a reputable piercing shop, the piercing itself will require a lot of care so it won’t get infected.
If you’re considering a piercing because you enjoy clitoral stimulation, you may want to purchase a “bullet” vibrator or a “TongueJoy” vibrator to try out first.
Obviously, it’s up to you whether or not to get pierced, but I always recommend thinking very carefully about it. Increased sexual satisfaction can be achieved without invasive procedures like piercings, and you can rule out mind-blowing sex altogether if you’ve got nerve damage from a piercing gone wrong.