Friday, October 17, 2008 10:03 PM
Q: My fiance told me he wants to watch me give oral sex to another guy before we get married. He says it's a fantasy of his. Should I be alarmed?
A: Yes, I think you should be a bit alarmed! Men and women often have crazy fantasies that can be pretty darned dirty, but that doesn't mean they should be carried out.
A couple of things you need to think about include: Has he had group sex before? Did an ex do this for him? Does he expect to fulfill some wild fantasy of yours too? And why would he think that fulfilling this one fantasy before marriage wouldn't mean that he’d then want you to do other “alarming” things?
At the heart of this matter is mutual respect and trust. How much respect can he have for you if he's trying to pressure you into something you don't want to do? It's time to clarify this crucial issue before you get married.
You can do this by sitting down and having a frank discussion with your fiance about all the feelings his request has brought up. Think through what you'd like to say to him about feeling undermined, pressured, worried, and so on. If you’re well prepared for this conversation, you can hold your ground. Let him know that you won't be pressured into anything you don't want to do. Tell him you're quite happy to chat about fantasies as part of your sex play but that you don’t want to act them out.
Friday, October 17, 2008 10:01 PM
Q: My husband is seriously opposed to performing oral sex. We both love intercourse, and he's wonderful with his hands, but he won't go the oral route. How can I get him to do it?
A: Oral sex can be amazing, and more women can climax from it than from penetrative sex. Nevertheless, people have extremely strong attitudes about oral sex, and these can be both positive and negative, with your husband clearly falling in the latter camp.
Have you explored where these attitudes come from? Did he once have a bad experience either giving or receiving oral sex? Does he come from a conservative family where there’s a general attitude that sexual experimentation for couples isn’t a good thing? You need to find out what’s at the root of his feelings. Once you've worked that out, it'll be easier to try and coax him into experimenting.
The next step is to encourage a little bit of oral activity. Take these steps slowly: Start by kissing his chest before moving down to his abdomen, then kiss down his thighs, and, finally, kiss his genitals.
You’d then encourage him to first kiss your breasts and your stomach before moving down to other regions. These steps may happen slowly over a few months. You can’t expect him to go from 0 to 60 in one sex session together!
He may also be worried that his technique won't be up to par, so whisper sensually how you'd like him to kiss your fingertips and your nipples. Once he gets the hang of kissing different parts of your body, his confidence will build, and he may not find the idea of performing oral sex on you so daunting. Let him know that you'd just like "a few kisses" there and don't expect him to bring you to orgasm. You can build up to that as he becomes more comfortable and sees how much you enjoy it.
Finally, if he's worried about hygiene, you can always suggest taking a sensual shower together, toweling each other dry, and then roaming over his body with some gentle kisses and asking him to do the same to you.
Friday, October 17, 2008 9:59 PM
Q: Sometimes I hear my husband masturbating in bed after he thinks I'm asleep. Even though I know guys do it no matter how much sex they have, I feel as if he's not satisfied by me. I've wanted to bring this up to him a few times, but I've always stopped short because I don't want to embarrass him; I don't know if it's worth upsetting him. Should I say something?
A: It’s possible to rationalize that men (and many women too!) masturbate regularly even when they're having good sex simply because they’re thinking about sex more -- and they may want a quick bit of occasional self-pleasure to supplement their sex life.
Despite this, there’s certainly a protocol for masturbation that requires being respectful of your partner. If you’re the sort of couple that can laugh and joke about masturbating when it suits you, then that's fine. If you’re the type of twosome that’s more reserved about discussing such things -- and I'd guess you are -- then it's just plain bad manners for your husband to masturbate in bed when he thinks you’re asleep.
He obviously hasn't thought about this, so give him a gentle nudge and suggest he go to the bathroom when he feels the urge to masturbate after you’ve fallen asleep. Or one day when you're being affectionate and perhaps building up to sex, you can mention that you'd rather he did it out of the bedroom if you're in bed but can feel free to masturbate in bed when you’re out of the house.
Friday, October 17, 2008 9:57 PM
Q: I just finished a book by Jenny Block called Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage in which she writes about her open marriage and why it worked for her. She says that people cheat because they want to keep their current relationship while satisfying their desire for other people, and that’s what an open marriage allows. What's your take?
A: The idea of an open marriage is a very interesting concept. It may seem incredibly appealing to many people because they could have a stable relationship with passionate flings whenever and wherever they felt like. Scratch that image! The reality is very different than the fantasy when many couples actually experiment with it.
I haven't read any studies about how successful open marriages are, but I’ve heard many stories about them and talked with people who've tried them. On the whole, it's a very rare couple that finds an open marriage to be a success. Both partners have to be utterly confident in each other and not feel like the other person is looking for a “better deal” elsewhere. They need to have exceptional communication skills to ensure that they keep sharing their expectations for the relationships outside their marriage and adhering to ground rules they set. They also have to demonstrate clear respect and trust with their partner in order for it to succeed. That's a tall order when you think of how difficult it is to manage one relationship, let alone one relationship plus additional sexual flings.
I haven't read Block’s book, but the fact is that many married people cheat because they’re incredibly selfish and immature. They don't know how to improve things within their marriages, so they look for an easy way to get extra attention and sexual release.
If this is something that's on your mind and you think your partner would consider it, the only way forward is tactful and honest communication about it. Be warned, though: What seems like a good thing at the beginning may well end up being a nightmare once you're in the midst of it. Finally, no partner should feel pressured to enter into an open marriage.
Friday, August 29, 2008 6:32 PM
Q: My husband says that sex seems different after the birth of our first child. Besides bladder control issues, however, I don’t notice a change. What could it be? He’s being vague.
A: You’re experiencing what many men and women do after a baby arrives. Suddenly your husband sees you as the nurturer and caretaker of his precious child, and many men find it hard to see their wives in any other role. Sometimes a bit of jealousy creeps in too, and the man feels that he must play second fiddle to the baby.
Make sure your conversation doesn't completely revolve around your child. Each day you can briefly catch him up on what’s happened with the baby, but then open up the conversation to subjects relevant to both of you.
Don’t forget that you two are still a couple. By emphasizing that to him, you give him the message that although parenthood changes a lot of things, it’s still about you two. Wear clothes that make you feel confident and sexy so he sees you in another role besides that of a mother.
Make a few romantic gestures -- text or email him a sexy message or put a flirty note in his things before he goes to work. You might feel that you’re doing all the work, but just a few small gestures will wake him up to the fact that you’re a multifaceted woman: mother, friend, partner, career woman, and a hot lover!
Also, I recommend talking to your health care provider about your bladder control issues, and be sure to do pelvic floor exercises twice a day.
Friday, August 29, 2008 6:22 PM
Q: My husband is disabled, which makes it difficult to vary our sex routine. His disability affects his arms and legs, so he can’t do any of the typical male-dominant positions or stand up for long periods of time. Doggy style is a favorite of his, but really hard for him to do for a long enough time. Any suggestions for positions that are more female-dominant?
A: First of all, I commend you for trying to work this out. Many people, when faced with a hurdle in the bedroom, simply give up and decide it’s not worth working through. Know that you’re already doing the most important thing by staying connected with him as a lover.
You’ve raised a topic that I rarely have the chance to mention, which is that people get stuck in the idea that once they start a sex position, they have to continue in that same position until they reach orgasm. It is far more interesting -- and in your case makes it far more physically possible -- to vary positions during one sex session.
You might start in one position and then slowly come out of it while you caress each other before moving into another position. Not only is this ideal for anyone with a physical problem who can’t maintain a position for very long, it’s ideal for keeping sex interesting!
It sounds like any of the positions where you’re on top would help. Consider the “reverse missionary” where you lie on top of him with his legs between yours, or sit up in the “cowgirl” position where you’re kneeling above him -- this also gives him great access to your breasts. Or you could try the “spinner” -- where, from the cowgirl position, you turn 180 degrees so you’re sitting astride him but facing his feet. This way he can enjoy touching and caressing your butt during sex.
Friday, August 29, 2008 6:23 PM
Q: I’m getting married and I’m a virgin. What’s the best way to put on a condom? I don’t want my first night with my husband to be a fumbling affair devoid of romance, but we're clueless!
A: The fact that you’re thinking about this now means that it’s much less likely to be a fumbling mess! It’s always smart to plan ahead so that you two can have a fabulous first night together.
To guarantee success, you should both practice beforehand. You can do this on your own or together, which allows you to turn it into a little bit of playful fun!
Buy some condoms and a penis-shaped vibrator -- or a smooth-skinned cucumber that’s on the smaller side -- to practice on. Begin with the most basic step: Read the instructions on the box of condoms. That way, you'll know how to open and use them. Next, place the unrolled condom over the tip of the vibrator and slowly unroll it downward. Once you've done this a few times, you'll realize that with some low lighting and a little mood music, putting a condom on him -- with or without his help -- can be a great part of your foreplay.
Here’s a sexy tip -- get some condom-friendly lubricant (it will say so on the bottle or tube) and squeeze a few drops into the tip of the condom before rolling it on. It will feel lovely and moist as if he were really feeling you.
In the future, though, you may also want to consider using an additional birth control method.
Friday, August 29, 2008 6:24 PM
Q: Am I allergic to sex? What are some of the reasons that my sex drive is non-existent? My partner is still into it but I just don't ever feel like doing it and when I do, it’s a chore.
A: Whenever someone tells me this, the very first thing I asked them to do is look at their lifestyle. Do you work long hours? Do you have a long commute? Do you have lots of chores to do at home? Do you have any time for yourself? I think you can tell where I’m going with this!
Next, I ask the person how they respond to such stress in their life. Are you drinking because you feel stressed? Are you too busy to eat nourishing meals? Again, I think you can guess where this is leading.
If you’re extremely busy and not looking after yourself, your sex drive will diminish. The only solution is to reprioritize your life and let your partner know that you’re doing so. If he's beginning to think that you don’t find him attractive anymore, then this will show him that’s not the case.
Schedule dates with him and treat these dates like the ones you had when you first began dating. Don’t dwell on the stresses and strains of your life; instead find some lighter subjects to talk about. Slowly but surely you two can reclaim some romance, and that’s what will ultimately lead to a higher sex drive.