Tales of a Jewish Newlywed

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

2008-09-29T00:47:00Z

To my beloved husband,

Since circumstances this Rosh Hashanah require us, once again, to be more than 1,700 miles apart, I wanted to tell you something. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's almost New Year's Eve.

It’s because I wanted to let you know that out of sight does not mean out of mind. So, I figured I would write you this love note (with some help from Johnny Mathis):

Maybe it's much too early in the game
Ooh, but I thought I'd ask you just the same
What are you doing New Year's
New Year's Eve?

Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
When it's exactly 6:21 that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year's Eve

Maybe I'm crazy to suppose
I'd ever be the one you chose
Out of the thousand invitations
You received

Ooh, but in case I stand one little chance
Here comes the jackpot question in advance:
What are you doing New Year's
New Year's Eve?

So Monday evening, just know that even though our lips will be in different time zones, I will be kissing you in my thoughts.

A L’Shana Tova to all … and this New Year’s Eve remember, like Stephen Stills advised, if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with!

I Can't Believe You Haven't Seen It

2008-09-18T07:20:00Z

I learned a lot about my husband when we went on our first date at CityWalk. While sitting at Howl at the Moon, he with his Smirnoff Ice, me with my Appletini, we made a list.

It wasn’t a list about our hopes and dreams, about our future plans or even about questions we had for each other. It was a list of movies that each of us thought the other should see.

The list of films I thought he needed to see had at least 40 movies on it, including: “Singing in the Rain,” “12 Angry Men,” “Inherit the Wind,” “The Godfather,” “The Music Man,” “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” and “Casablanca.”

He made a list for me, too. I think it had three films on it.

As we went through film after film, I was shocked. My father is a film guru – and I have followed in his footsteps. I knew my husband needed to expand his pop culture knowledge – a lot.

Over the past three years, my husband has been a very good sport. In addition to seeing at least 65 percent of the films I thought he would enjoy, the most recent being “Guys and Dolls,” he has found new films that he loves.

He even has ended up watching made-for-TV movies he never in a million years would have watched before being with me: How many guys would have ever made a conscious effort to watch Hallmark’s entire “Love Comes Softly” series? We have a sort of “in joke” now.

Whenever we start watching a film that he, at first, wasn’t sure he wanted to see, he’ll look at me and say: “I hate you.” As in “I hate you for showing me this movie because I love it, dammit.”

I still have to watch “The Last Starfighter.” He still has to watch “Field of Dreams.” Tell me who got the better end of that deal?

An election request from the newlyweds

2008-09-08T17:01:00Z

Dear Friends and Family,

Adam and I want to thank you for the countless politically themed e-mail forwards, Web links, Facebook group invites and YouTube clips that you’ve sent our way over the last few months.

We feel blessed to be surrounded by such a large group of extremely opinionated people.

We know that none of you are afraid to say exactly what is on your respective minds – at the exact moment you think it.
As much as we love you all, we are asking you – for the next eight weeks – to knock it off!

We know how we feel about each candidate and why neither one is our ideal. We know that – from the e-mails we’ve received -- one is a communist who will give up Israel and one is a war-monger who cares nothing for women’s rights.

We also know that the person we did support wholeheartedly is no longer in the running – and that has left us with a big decision to make.

That choice, however, will not be decided by all of our well-meaning friends and family members (as much as you all like to think you’ve played a part).

In between now and the election, we have to get through several holiday -- and nonholiday -- functions with all of you. Why do you think we are looking so forward to our vacation in October – a whole week without forwards and links and “did you see thats?”

When this election is over, there will be “winners” and their will be “losers” – and I can assure you that neither John McCain nor Barack Obama will be coming around to anyone’s homes to help pick up the pieces of any family fallouts.

So to the respective Obamacrats and McCainicans among our friends and families (you know who you are), we just want to say God Bless America. And maybe in January we can focus on what’s really important: Who Jason will pick on the next “Bachelor.”

Lighter Me, Lighter Wallet

2008-08-22T22:22:00Z

Who knew that losing weight would be so expensive?

Vegetables and fruit cost more than McDonalds. Weight Watchers costs money. A 24-Hour Fitness membership costs money. And, worst of all, buying new clothes in a smaller size costs money.

I know there are ways to get around that. I don’t have to go to Weight Watchers. I can walk around my neighborhood. I can pick up sewing as a hobby and take in my clothes.

But I think if I did that, it wouldn’t be quite as much fun.

It’s fun to see how creative you can get with your salads. It’s fun to weigh in every week at the meetings and get closer and closer to goal (at 10 percent you get a gold star keychain). It’s fun to get glances at the gym when you can switch from baggy pants and t-shirts to shorts and tank tops. It’s a whole new realm of fun to walk into a store and head straight for a size you haven’t been in years.

I made a promise with myself that by the time I reached our one-year wedding anniversary (and subsequent vacation), I would have lost enough weight to justify purchasing a new swimsuit.

I’ve done it – with my husband’s help.

Both of us are now the proud owners of jeans that are too big in the thighs and shirts that feel like tents. We also own two new formal pieces for a wedding we are attending next weekend: a black suit from Men’s Wearhouse that my husband never thought he could wear and a dress from Nordstrom that I put on and almost started to cry.

And, thanks to Exercise TV on our Video on Demand (VOD) system, I can workout at home when I don’t feel like spending gas money to shlep to the gym (incidentally, the episodes are free).

I’m almost at that gold star – one more Bridal Bootcamp episode from VOD and I’m there. Considering the price of gold these days, maybe I can sell it to pay for next month’s gym membership.

The Sport of Sleep Deprivation

2008-08-14T21:58:00Z

What the 2008 Olympics taught me: Sometimes it is OK to hit mute, fast forward is your friend and it is OK if you can’t watch everything.

When you are staying up until midnight or later to watch Team USA dive, swim, tumble, spike and cycle, you need to be as flexible as the IOC when it comes to the ages of the Chinese gymnasts.

Wait, did I say that?

I meant you need to be as flexible as the IOC when the Iranian swimmer claimed he was “too sick” to compete in a heat that just happened to have an Israeli entrant.

Darn! Let me try again.

You need to be as flexible as Jason Lezak when he kicked trash-talking French booty a few nights ago in the 4x100-meter freestyle relay.

My husband and I didn’t plan to get sucked into the Olympics, it just worked out that way.

The only sport I looked up a schedule for was women’s gymnastics. But those darn people at NBC splice the broadcast so much that you end up watching three to four other sports. We found ourselves watching synchronized diving. Yes, I’m so ashamed.

We invited some friends over to watch the Opening Ceremonies. We added a drinking game component to the festivities) don’t worry, we used sparkling grape juice). County you’ve never heard of? Take a shot. Announcers make stupid comment? Take a shot. Anyone mentions human rights violations or pollution? Take a shot.

I know that people like to think the Olympics are a way to bring the world together. Truth is, I can’t think of anything more divisive than the Olympics. You want to bring people together? Having the duke it out in a variety of sports only brings viewers together. It benefits the corporations more than the countries.

Here’s to you IOC:

You put the games on in a country that forces the U.S. viewers to either stay up really late or wake up really early. Very crafty.
You make the U.N. look fair and balanced.
You allow a country called “Palestine” to participate but make Taiwan enter as Chinese Taipei

Let’s hope that by the time Chicago gets the games in 2016 – as it will because the Windy City rocks – you will have these details worked out.

In the mean time, I will go back to watching Michael Phelps kick butt – right before I turn into a pumpkin.

A throwback you can throw back

2008-08-06T21:37:00Z

When the TV show Designing Women was at its heyday, there was an episode called “Working Mother” (Oct. 1, 1990) where new stay-at-home mom Charlene and 9-to-5 mom Mary Jo get into a fight that starts when Mary Jo comments that it must be nice to watch soap operas all day. The two make up with the following conversation:

Charlene (referring to a neighbor who commented on Charlene's new position): I said I work – I work in the home. Something that …I have chosen carefully and thoughtfully and deserves respect.

Mary Jo: It’s so hard these days – whatever choice a mother makes you feel guilty. Like the world is judging you whether they are or not. What we have to do, the stay-at-home moms and the 9-to-5 moms, is to keep from turning on each other.

Charlene: I have a confession: I was watching that soap.

At the end, they bring over a computer connected to one at Sugarbakers so Charlene, the accountant, can work from home since her replacement was an utter dunderhead.

But these two groups of women are nothing compared to this article that ran yesterday about stay at home wives.

"What do you do all day?" is a question Anne Marie Davis, 34, says she gets a lot.

Davis, who lives in Lewisville, Texas, isn't a mother, nor does she telecommute. She is a stay-at-home wife, which makes her something of a pioneer in the post-feminist world.

Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Women," says stay-at-home wives constitute a growing niche. "In the past few years, many women who are well educated and trained for career tracks have decided instead to stay at home," he says. While his research is ongoing, he estimates that more than 10 percent of the 650 women he's interviewed who choose to stay home are childless.

Daniel Buccino, a Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine clinical social worker and psychotherapist, says stay-at-home wives are the latest "status symbols."

"It says, 'We make enough money that we both don't need to work outside the home,'" he says. "And especially with the recent economic pressures, a stay-at-home spouse is often an extreme and visible luxury."

Davis says her life isn't luxurious. "Tuesdays are my laundry day," she says. "I go grocery shopping on Wednesdays and clean house on Thursdays." Mondays and Fridays are reserved for appointments and other errands.

But her schedule also allows for charity work and leisure: reading, creative writing and exploring new hobbies, like sewing.

It's a lifestyle, Davis says, that has made her happier and brought her closer to her husband. "We're no longer stressed out," she says; because she takes care of the home, there are virtually no "honey-do" lists to hand over.

We’re not talking about women with children. We are not talking about women who are older and their husbands are ill need taking care of. We are talking about women in their 20s, 30s and 40s who have to care only for themselves and their husbands.

Such a lifestyle is promoted highly on Web sites like ladiesagainstfeminism.com and www.retro-housewife.com.

A whole day to grocery shop? Does she just float from line to line – or from store to store?

Let’s see. I commute to and from a full-time job five days a week, I’m on a neighborhood board and sisterhood board and I freelance. And with all that, I am able to not only spend quality time with my husband, but go grocery shopping, do laundry, keep things clean and do errands – plus have plenty of time for fun and relaxation.

It might make life less stressful for the wife, but I know that if I stayed home all day while my husband was in the rat race, it would cause more fights, not less.

I worked too hard to get where I am – and I’m still paying off a student loan. Should my husband be asked to repay it? Does Mrs. Davis get an allowance?

Sorry stay-at-home wives … I think your days went out the door with black and white television, vacuuming in pearls and finishing schools.

It's My Life

2008-08-01T01:45:00Z

I came across an article today in which Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi Yona Metzger said that a woman who does not take her husband’s last name is keeping the home from being united:

Advice to women from the chief rabbi: Married women should give up their maiden name, Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi Yona Metzger told hundreds of women at a convention Monday dedicated to Jewish family values and religiosity.

"We are currently in an era of permissiveness and there are many messages that create cracks in the Jewish home's whole structure," the rabbi told the women in attendence

Turning his attention to the question of last names, Rabbi Metzger said that even though this was not a Jewish law issue, but rather, a move that took root in the past 200 years, a woman should stick to the husband's last name and renounce her maiden name.

"The agenda whereby a woman wants to bring the independent entity of her last name to the home should be reconsidered," the rabbi said. "If this came out of unity it's one thing…but If there is a message that the woman is an independent entity and the husband is an independent entity, this does not unite the home into a whole home."

At the end of his talk, Rabbi Metzger recommended that women "reconsider the phenomenon."

Since I was not at the conference, I did not have a chance to voice a response. But, on the off chance that Rabbi Metzger or someone in his office goes online, here’s what I got:

Dear Rabbi Metzger,

Until you actually become a married woman, I would say that speaking out as to whether or not a married woman should change her last name is arrogant, ignorant and, dare I say, insulting.

Why not say that the husband should also take his wife’s name? Isn’t that just as unifying?

I, too, am an Ashkenazi Jew, and since I have never met you, I can only guess that your false logic stems from one family you met where the last name became an issue. I want you to know that this is not the case in all families. Not every couple where the wife keeps her maiden name is falling apart at the seams. Just like not every couple where the wife takes her husband’s name is perfect.

If there are cracks in the Jewish home, I think the couple has more important things to worry about than the wife’s last name. And if that is the dividing line between them, maybe the issue should have come up before they married.

A wife keeping her own name is not the end of Judaism or civilization. It just means that women no longer have to feel like they need to erase who they were because they add Mrs. before their first name.

And if you have any other observations as to how Jewish women should act without getting input from a Jewish woman, as Billy Joel once sang, "keep it to yourself, it's my life."

Sincerely,

Shoshie (who is legally keeping her last name – and her husband is fine with it)

All the Time in the World

2008-07-22T00:55:00Z

I have heard that if you want something done, give it to a busy person. I have no idea why that is a good idea. I guess it means a busy person will always find a way to squeeze in one more thing, while a lazy person wouldn’t, otherwise they wouldn’t be lazy.

I can attest to this quote. I am the living, breathing embodiment of the quote. In looking over the next 45 days of my life, I have: a Sisterhood program planning meeting, a neighborhood block captain meeting, a sisterhood movie night, several get-togethers with various groups of friends, a birthday present spa day from my aunt, three trips to the airport (to pick up or drop off various relatives), Weight Watcher meetings, a sisterhood program (which goes with the aforementioned planning meeting), a work party, a bat mitzvah of a family friend, a wedding shower of another friend and then we are flying to Chicago for a family wedding on Labor Day weekend.

Not to mention the work I actually get paid for, the husband I like to spend time with and the vacations we have planned for the fall that have their own related mishegoss.

You want to know why it took me two weeks to update this blog? Now you know.

I’ve often talked about my planner. The left side of it, where I keep print outs pertaining to a plethora of events, is bulging out to the point that I can no longer zip the planner.

The funny thing is, I love it. I love having things to do. I love feeling a sense of accomplishment in doing them. I love celebrating joyous events with my friends.

I was watching Bridezillas last night and one especially heinous bride to be was moaning about all she had to do – before foisting it on her matron of honor. Obviously, she probably fell into the lazy category. If you give a lazy person too much to do – they freak.

When I was planning our wedding, I had relatives ask me: Don’t you need a wedding planner?

I told them: “Nah. What would I do with all that free time?”

So here I am … able to get out a blog post before heading home to make dinner with my husband. I have about 45 minutes commute time in the car, anyone need anything done?