Monday, November 13, 2006 11:01 AM
Putting the fun in Dysfunction
by Katie
My parents have been divorced for longer than I can remember. They also both got remarried while I was in grade school, so having 4 parents has always been my life. Everyone lived in the same city and I passed back and forth between my mom's and my dad's houses pretty frequently. Don't get my wrong, my life as a kid of divorce wasn't all about having 2 Christmases. I have definitely been affected by it both positively and negatively, but what I'm saying is that splitting my time between two households was always normal (although admittedly, my mom always got priority).
That's until I got married. See, before the wedding, my four parents never really talked to each other. They did exchange pleasant “hi. how are yous” if they ran into each other when picking me up places. And my dad and step-dad could always talk politics, but until my wedding, no one tried or had any need to be friends.
My wedding planning took a year and a half. It was a long, much too long, process. And we held it at my mom's family home in Maryland (6 hours south of where I grew up). So what this really meant was that my dad had to return to my mom's parent's house -- with his new wife and daughter (I have a little half-sister). The last time my grandfather had seen him, I was 10 years old and in the hospital with a shattered elbow. My dad leaned over to shake my grandfather's hand and my grandfather (as the story supposedly goes, I was on pain meds!) kept his arms at his side and said, “I see you've lost your hair.“
18 years later, they had to see each other again. And oddly enough, everyone became very friendly at the wedding. It was truly a merging of families.
So now that I'm married and have combined my divorced family with my husband's divorced family (seriously, could we have more odds against us?!), the holidays have become even harder. And no matter what articles you read on how to deal with splitting them up, no one mentions the scenario of both couples coming from “broken homes” (I hate that term!) So this is what we decided to do:
This year is the year of the Mom's. We're spending Thankgiving with my mom (at my grandfather's house in Maryland) and Christmas with DH's mom. Next year, is for the dads, and Thanksgiving goes to his dad, Christmas to mine.. But this is where things get funny... My mom decided that she wanted to extend the olive branch yet again and invite my dad to Thanksgiving -- in Maryland -- in my Grandfather's home.
I actually thought it was a great idea, but knew they would never do it since they always spend TDay with my step-mom's fam... Well, I was wrong. My dad called me this weekend and said he is thinking about coming, and asked if I thought Mom was genuine in asking. I said yes. With my older sister not coming for the holiday, I think my mom was trying to create one big happy family.. with her brother, her father, her husband, and her ex-husband. One big weirdly happy family.
Now we just have to tell my grandfather!
My husband (whose parents are more recently divorced and not as civil) is shocked by this and says it will be uncomfortable. He worries that I will be forced to play peacemaker all weekend, making sure everyone is having a good time and is comfortable. He's probably right, but I feel it's worth it. Not to be cheesy, but I think the fact that my divorced parents can come together for the sake of me having a “big“ family holiday is something to be very thankful for.
Anyone else have trouble splitting up family holidays -esp with divorced parents? Or handling divorced in-laws? (I know the divorced in-law thing is hard for me because they handle things so differently than my family... but mine has had 27 years of experience. They've only had 8.) Here's an article we did on splitting up the big days. The key is to form a united front.. so you don't blame the other for “having to trim the tree with Aunt Edna” to your own parents.
Well, tell me how you're splitting up the season and let me know if you have any tips for my blended fam :)