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Wednesday, March 14, 2007 3:34 PM

Will a Baby Break Up Our Friends?

by Kathleen


My good friend just announced that she's pregnant. She's the first out of our friends, which isn't surprising because she was also the first to get married. I'm so excited for her and her husband, but it's definitely raising up some anxious emotions for our close-knit group of friends (10 girls who went to college together and live in NYC; half married).

Will she still hang out? Will she come to book club? To dinner? Her and her husband are also talking about moving to the suburbs. My sister, who was the first of her friends to get married and who is not afraid to be blunt, says that it's over. That you become better friends with the parents of your kids' friends cause it's easier. 

I'm not naive, but I know we're all too tight to let this friendship slip away. Does anyone know the secret to making it work? Encourage her to bring the baby out? Set up a monthly date? This is a big transition time, and I'm definitely excited for the future. But I also don't want to have to let go.

Anyone the first of their friends to get pregnant? What do you wish your friends did to make it work?

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Comments

re: Will a Baby Break Up Our Friends?

My best friend (and matron of honor) had her baby almost a year ago.  At first, things were pretty normal, but now we've drifted.  I've tried and tried many times, but feel like because I'm not PG or anything, she doesn't need me around as much.  It's hard, but I've come to grips with it.  The most frustrating part is that her other good friend is PG and she sees her all the time.  I mean, just because I don't have a baby yet doesn't mean I don't deserve to spend time with her.  It's frustrating because she was my best friend.  I guess only time will tell how close we continue to be.  Good luck to you!

Posted by Half_Pint    Wednesday, March 14, 2007 10:35 AM


re: Will a Baby Break Up Our Friends?

I have a group of girlfriends that is similar to yours.  There are six of us that have been friends since highschool.  Most of us are married now, but only 3 have kids.  It seems like the 3 with kids prefer each others company and the 3 without the same.  I guess we just have more in common and more things to talk about.  I am one of the ones without.  If there is an event that they can bring their kids to they are much more likely to attend...especially the ones that work outside the home because they already feel some guilt from all the time spent away from the kids during the day/week.  

However, if you want to have a girls/adult night only we have found it works best to set something up that is a short event that they can come to, enjoy and leave early, but that the rest of us can stay or go do something else after they leave.  The ones with kids seem to be more acceptable of coming if it is only for 1-3 hours.  For example, this past weekend all 6 of us got together.  We met at a restaurant and had dinner.  The 3 with kids went home after dinner and the 3 without went to a local bar and hung out.  

It also depends a lot on the husband - is he going to be willing to keep the baby alone for a few hours?  A lot of men are nervous about doing it by themselves.  Plus, a lot of mothers are nervous about the husbands doing it by themselves too!  The mom's have to be able to let go, which I have found has been very difficult for 2 of my friends!  Good luck!  If everyone is willing you can make it work out...just be flexible because it definitely won't be the same!

Posted by jessica1080    Wednesday, March 14, 2007 10:41 AM


re: Will a Baby Break Up Our Friends?

I understand your concern. I've been there - my best friend has two children. I have none and do not want to have them. We've managed to keep our friendship together by both being flexible. We hung out together without the children and with them. When I moved halfway across the country, she came to visit me twice without the kids and I went to visit her (and will do so again next month). Her kids are great and I love them!

It's all about flexibility. Make dates with her and your other friends for dinner, drinks, etc. Also make dates that can include her children. Be flexible with one another. And most importantly - talk about your concerns with her and let her know that you want to keep the friendship working. Communication will help you.

Posted by Lawfrog    Wednesday, March 14, 2007 11:04 AM


re: Will a Baby Break Up Our Friends?

I really think it will just be a matter of planning time together.  At first, it will definitely have to be you that makes the effort to go and see her and do things with her with the baby there.  I have 1 friend who has a 2 1/2 year old and she still does everything with us.  We have a weekly game night for a group of our friends and she and her husband just bring their son with them and it is not a problem at all.  You will just really try and make it work.  Be flexible and try not to get upset if something comes up with her at the last minute and she has to cancel on you.  Good luck!!!

Posted by sammyk    Wednesday, March 14, 2007 2:11 PM


re: Will a Baby Break Up Our Friends?

I was the first of my friends to become pregnant, but the last to get married. It makes me feel as though I started a chain of jealousy among my girlfriends. Two other friends were pregnant immediately following me and another few at the end of my pregnancy. I get even more flack for being a young stay at home mom in an affluent area where most of my mommy friends do have to work to help support their families.

I unfortunately have not found the secret to keeping up the friendships in my life. I want to go out, I want to do the same things I did before, but it seems as though everything kind of came to a halt when I became pregnant. Apparently I was the only one who organized anything.

Even those who said things wouldn't have to change don't come around anymore. It's different for everyone I'm sure but I have definitely felt the cold shoulder from my friends since I became pregnant and even more so once my son arrived.

As long as you want to keep up your friendship, your mommy friend will want to as well, trust me. And you should keep up the friendship and keep in touch often. I know how hard it is to be a lonely mom. Good luck!

Posted by jdinoc    Thursday, March 15, 2007 3:10 AM


re: Will a Baby Break Up Our Friends?

Of course your friend having a baby will change everything - most certainly for her.  No she will probably not want to go out all of the time, in the first few months the book club will probably be the last thing on her mind, and her moving will probably make it even tougher.  Her new baby will supercede any and all previous activity - but that is just the way it is (and if you have children, it will probably be that way for you one day).

That being said, it does not mean your relationship has to drift, but it will probably change.  My friends who don't have kids and I don't have as many similarities anymore and truthfully, I know the get tired of me not being free all of the time, and I get tired of hearing about their dates and going out and stuff that has nothing to do with me (though sometimes their stories are pretty funny).  However, that does not mean we are not friends, we are just at different points right now.  Your friendship with your pregnant friend will probably change, but doesn't have to go away.  You had a great idea when you talked about making a once a month date with her - that is smart (with a kid planning is very important - you just can't go out whenever you want).  And remember - she is pregnant for 9 months - so it's not something you really have to worry about yet - and I remember really wanting to be with my friends when I was PG because I was afraid.

So, all in all - there is probably no question that your relationship will be different, but it is up to you guys to decided how important your friendship is and how committed you are to it.  Good luck.

Posted by WillbeMrsD    Thursday, March 15, 2007 7:49 AM


re: Will a Baby Break Up Our Friends?

I think it's hard to be friends with a friend who has a child. The matron of honor at my wedding had 1 child and was pregnant with another, it was hard to relate to her because I did not have children and I wasn't anywhere near ready to have children. However, if you think the friendship is worth having with that friend, then I think you should try to have a monthly get together with just the two of you, or your friend and her child. It will help you maintain that friendship and be understanding if she's on the phone with you and suddenly has to go because the kid spilled juice all over the place. Good luck!

Posted by katiempallen    Thursday, March 15, 2007 8:17 PM


re: Will a Baby Break Up Our Friends?

I have definitely run into this in my life and your friend having a baby does not necessarily mean that your friendship will be kaput, it DOES mean that your friendship will change. When you do not have kids, it is OK for it to be "all about me" but once a child comes into the picture, interaction does change. Does a baby mean the end of a friendship? For some, yes. But only time will tell.

Posted by JulesKS    Monday, March 19, 2007 11:23 AM


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