You Can't Go Home Again.
Posted
Monday, May 19, 2008 9:11 AM
That's what they say, right? Well, I guess you can, in the physcial sense, of course. There is nothing stopping you from walking the streets you used to walk and sitting in chairs you used to sit in but after you have been away for a while, it won't "feel" the same. Your state of mind is totally different. Something will always be different. Your face will always crumple in confusion and you find yourself saying "Hey, what happened to...?" or "This wasn't here when I was here!" And then you can't help but feel a little sad because this "home" has somehow let you down and your expectation to feel the same way you felt years ago has not been realized.
My BIL, DH's younger brother, graduated last week from our alma mater. He was like our last connection to that place, I think everyone we know has officially moved on from college. No more spontaneous weekends in fabulous Champaign-Urbana, IL. That's a little tough on me. Since we graduated 4 years ago, there has always been someone there to go visit who was still living it, so you could go there and still feel like you were living it too.
It's weird because in my young life, if someone were to ask me what has been the best time in your life so far, my answer would be college. No question. Especially towards in the end after DH and I started dating. It's the only time in my life so far that I felt completely and totally at peace, like I was doing what I was meant to do and I had a place in amongst the masses. Since then, I've totally struggled with that.
Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with DH. That part of my life is still as perfect as the day we met. I still get little butterflies in my stomach when I know he'll be walking in the door any minute. He still makes me laugh. He's the other half of me. But it's the rest of it I can't seem to work out. We moved away from home for his job and being here has never felt right. This is NOT our home and it's not where we belong. I'm still, after 4 years, struggling with this whole thing they call a career. I'm not working right now...AGAIN...I just can't seem to find a place where I belong. My friends are starting to get promotions and such at the jobs they've held since graduation, and here's little old me, still fighting to get a foot in the door, still trying to figure out what it is that makes me a productive member of society.
So needless to say, I have this attachment to college because I that's when I felt the best about my accomplishments to date. But even being back there last weekend felt weird. Everything is so different! They've actually cleaned up the dump a lot. Where's the blowing trash, the empty storefronts, the vandalized brick walls?? It's all built up and shiny and new...for a new generation of Illini to enjoy. Us old-schoolers will just keep coming back to campus and we will walk down Green, looking around, eyes wide with confusion and jealousy as we say things like "Hey, there wasn't a Chipotle there when I was here!" and "What in the world happened to R&R's?!" Then we will get a little sad that it's different. Because even if it was dirty, rundown and all around gross, it was still our home!
See, you can't go home again! Right now, I've got to remember there is a wonderful man by my side, and he loves me no matter what. That home is with him now, if that part makes me happy, the rest is just details.