The Nest

You Can't Go Home Again.

Posted Monday, May 19, 2008 9:11 AM

That's what they say, right? Well, I guess you can, in the physcial sense, of course. There is nothing stopping you from walking the streets you used to walk and sitting in chairs you used to sit in but after you have been away for a while, it won't "feel" the same. Your state of mind is totally different. Something will always be different. Your face will always crumple in confusion and you find yourself saying "Hey, what happened to...?" or "This wasn't here when I was here!" And then you can't help but feel a little sad because this "home" has somehow let you down and your expectation to feel the same way you felt years ago has not been realized.

My BIL, DH's younger brother, graduated last week from our alma mater. He was like our last connection to that place, I think everyone we know has officially moved on from college. No more spontaneous weekends in fabulous Champaign-Urbana, IL. That's a little tough on me. Since we graduated 4 years ago, there has always been someone there to go visit who was still living it, so you could go there and still feel like you were living it too.

It's weird because in my young life, if someone were to ask me what has been the best time in your life so far, my answer would be college. No question. Especially towards in the end after DH and I started dating. It's the only time in my life so far that I felt completely and totally at peace, like I was doing what I was meant to do and I had a place in amongst the masses. Since then, I've totally struggled with that.

Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with DH. That part of my life is still as perfect as the day we met. I still get little butterflies in my stomach when I know he'll be walking in the door any minute. He still makes me laugh. He's the other half of me. But it's the rest of it I can't seem to work out. We moved away from home for his job and being here has never felt right. This is NOT our home and it's not where we belong. I'm still, after 4 years, struggling with this whole thing they call a career. I'm not working right now...AGAIN...I just can't seem to find a place where I belong. My friends are starting to get promotions and such at the jobs they've held since graduation, and here's little old me, still fighting to get a foot in the door, still trying to figure out what it is that makes me a productive member of society.

So needless to say, I have this attachment to college because I that's when I felt the best about my accomplishments to date. But even being back there last weekend felt weird. Everything is so different! They've actually cleaned up the dump a lot. Where's the blowing trash, the empty storefronts, the vandalized brick walls?? It's all built up and shiny and new...for a new generation of Illini to enjoy. Us old-schoolers will just keep coming back to campus and we will walk down Green, looking around, eyes wide with confusion and jealousy as we say things like "Hey, there wasn't a Chipotle there when I was here!" and "What in the world happened to R&R's?!" Then we will get a little sad that it's different. Because even if it was dirty, rundown and all around gross, it was still our home!

See, you can't go home again! Right now, I've got to remember there is a wonderful man by my side, and he loves me no matter what. That home is with him now, if that part makes me happy, the rest is just details.

Fired

Posted Thursday, May 01, 2008 9:55 AM

If you want to feel the worst you have ever felt in your entire life, try being called into called into the bosses office for an unexpected firing. If that isn't the biggest punch in the face, bag over the head, stab in the back you have ever felt, then I don't envy you one bit.

About 4:15 yesterday afternoon I was hard at work....as usual. I'm always hard at work. I've been hard at work for that place every day, evening and weekend for the last year...for a tiny salary and even less thanks. I get the call to go on down to the CFO/HR VP's office. My boss is there. Not my direct supervior who happened to be traveling that day...but my boss. I go in and sit down and the door is closed behind me. My heart is pounding as I know I'm either getting a raise or I'm getting the ax.

So....needless to say. I hear "we gave you a chance, and your chance is up. It's not working, today is your last day."

Ummmm....what's that now? I was the only entry-level person in a senior level firm. This place had never hired an entry level person before. I must have shown potential but didn't live up to it. They sited lack of confidence, lack of time management skills and sub-par writing skills. I was completely and totally floored, not to mention utterly humiliated and really angry. Everyone loves me though...so nice and helpful...so easy to work with. Humble to a fault. Lack of confidence? It's really hard to have faith in your abilities when everyone else is packing double and triple the amount of experience you have and no one wants to help you learn. Poor time management skills? Sorry 60 hours a week wasn't enough for you. Sub-par writing skills? That was the hardest to hear because I have always considered that my biggest strength. If I'm not good at that, I'm not sure what I'm good at.

I cried sitting there. I didn't want to, but I've got kind of a soft heart anyway so hearing this was just a little too much bear. Especially when there was absolutely NO indication this was coming. I got paid through the end of the week (gee, thanks) and then had to throw everything I had in a box and was ushered out the door like some nut job. They like watched me leave to make sure I didn't do anything crazy. Like a criminal. Me.

So here I am again...jobless in Iowa. I just haven't been able to catch a break in this stupid town. It's all about who ya know and I don't know anyone. People in Iowa don't like people who aren't from Iowa. That's been made crystal clear in the 3.5 years we've been here. I just can't believe I have to start job searching. Again. And deal with the inevitable rejection. Again. Ugh. The thought of it makes me sick. What the eff do I say now when I'm asked about why I left my previous position?

I have to start my resume over from scratch, because my latest one was on my work laptop, which they confiscated back so fast it would make your head spin. My home computer had a meltdown about 9 months ago and I lost everything. The thought of starting that over is also making my stomach turn. I feel like I need to do it immediately. That I need to be working again by Monday or else I'm a worthless piece of crap. I know that's not true and I'm not going to be successful until I'm able to heal and get my head straight. I'm going to take a few days, shake this off, put a smile on my face and try to move on.

The "Baby" Discussion

Posted Saturday, March 29, 2008 3:35 PM

So, we know we want to have kids. Someday. We've been married less than 2 years and are only 25 years old so.....needless to say there is still time. Of course, I'm more anxious than he is. He doesn't really like to talk about it and I like to tease him by talking about "Milkman Jr." all the time. He gets all flustered and I think it's hilarious.

Anyway, I brought it up again the other day. I didn't say anything like, "hey, I want kids and I want them right now," because I know we are not ready. It was more like daydreaming, wishing, hoping. That little place in the back of my head that thought well, if it happened right now, I wouldn't be real upset about. That kind of thing.

Here's how the conversation went down:

Me: Something random about having a baby

Him: Don't think I don't know what you are doing!

Me: What are you talking about?

Him: You do this all the time! You are frustrated with work and when you get frustrated with work you start talking about getting pregnant so you don't have to go anymore. 

Me: Stares blankly.

Well, hells bells, I think he may actually be right! Not that I think that being a mom would be "easier" by any means. The exact opposite is true, really. But I am frustrated with work. How many 60 hour weeks can one work with zero overtime, zero time off and zero thanks? And we have decided that when kids come into the picture, I will stay home with them because in our current financial situation it would be a money LOSING deal to both work and pay for childcare. My entire salary would go to nothing but daycare and gas to go to and from. That doesn't even make sense! Yeah, I don't make much money...sigh...

So maybe it is true. Work is burning me out. My house is a disaster, my family and friends are neglected, I hardly ever see my husband. I want to stay home with our baby because I feel like it would be much more fufilling. Contrary to what my current lifestyle projects, I am not a "career" person. A corner office and a fat paycheck is NOT what I'm working towards in my life. I'm biding my time...and I work like this because if I didn't I'd be seen as "lazy" and "not a team player," and is NOT what I'm all about.

My true calling is to be a wife and a mother. My family will ALWAYS come first. The working moms at my office are constantly reminded that "they CHOSE work." I'm sorry that little Jimmy has a soccer game but we're on a deadline here...remember that you chose work. I'm sorry, but I cannot live like that.

I don't see it as wanting to get out of going to work because I'm stressed out like DH says. I see it as anxiously awaiting my promotion. My promotion to what will make me truly content with my life. So what if the promotion does not involve a paycheck. Family before funds...that's what I always say! 

Death and Taxes

Posted Saturday, March 08, 2008 2:55 AM

These are the only two things that are certain in life, right? Well, maybe...but I think the list can be expanded to include the occasional bad mood, snow in Iowa in January and waiting 60 minutes for a table at Texas Roadhouse on a Saturday night.

Ah, but I digress...

Anyway, it's tax time again! DH gets so excited to get the taxes done it's hilarious. He pours over receipts, he researches every possible deduction he can think of. He just can't wait to see what kind of refund he's going to get.

We went had them done yesterday after work. Our tax guy (3 years running now) sits in a makeshift booth at the local Wal-Mart and new this year, he had lobbed off half his index finger with a snowblower blade.  So needless to say, it's a little hard to type like that. Ha...okay, it's not really funny. Well, maybe it is a little. Hey, he does a fine job and DH likes him because he thinks he's hilarious. Doing taxes at the Wal-Mart. What's next...discounted appendectomies in aisle 5? Oh, or how about Great Value Brand Bail Bonds? It's Sam's #1 Choice, people!

I digress AGAIN!

Well, we got a sizeable refund this year, better than last year. We haven't really decided what we are going to do with it yet. I want to redo the landscaping in the front of our house when it finally thaws out there. We also might start finishing off the basement. I know DH wants a bar/pool room down there. You know, who would have thought tax time would be a cure for the winter blahs?! God Bless America!

I'm Your Ego, And I Approved This Message

Posted Saturday, March 01, 2008 1:08 PM

Argh, Office Politics!! Driving me up the wall recently. I wish I had something else to talk about, however, I have done nothing but work, think about work, lay awake at night worrying about work and complain about work for the last two weeks so I figured why stop now?

I'm not sure what it is. Is it the fact that there are less than 50 of us in the building so from lowest of the low (me) to the greatest of great (just ask 'em), everyone sees and interacts with everyone else everyday? Or is that we are all what you might call "creatives?" These are people with big ideas (we all get paid to estentially come up with someone else's big idea, right?) These are people who are loud about expressing their ideas. These are people who get very put off if they are not included in coming up with the idea and once they realize they were not included, will inevitably tell you in a round-about, possibly passive aggressive way that your idea sucks.

There are days that I just know, based on what I need to get done, that I am going to somehow upset this delicate balance. Sometimes I put things off just so for one day, I don't get caught up in having to stroke someones ego, or placate someone's dumb idea, or get railed because someone doesn't get their way. My day usually involves opening up a can of worms, dumping them in a big pot and stirring them around real good! Ugh! If someone ends up mad at someone else, it can usually be traced back to my department and if it can't, someone will find a way to bring us in.

I think I've decided it's the egos that lead to majority of the BS at the office. God forbid anyone disagree with all the creative geniuses around there. In spite of it all though, I really do love my job. 60 hour weeks...yeah, no problem. Stress like crazy...bring it on. It's a great environment and the people I work with really are creative geniuses. I'm so out of my league there, its a wonder I'm still employed. But I've get the best in the biz guiding me so I can put up with all the crap and just be happy!

 

Prayers for NIU

Posted Saturday, February 16, 2008 8:10 AM

I'm wondering if I should be ashamed that this one is getting to me a little more. I mean, over the past dozen years or so whenever something like this would happen, I would feel sad, I would say a prayer and I would offer my condolences because, really, that's all you can do. This time, it's so close to home I actually had to take moment to myself yesterday afternoon. Good thing my office mate was out and my door was closed because I was surprised at how emotional I became.

I am not a graduate of NIU but a lot of friends and family are. When the details of those that were witnesses, injured or killed began to come out, it started to hit me that these are not strangers in a far off land, these are my neighbors. These are kids that grew up just like I did, and expereienced the same things I did. It just breaks my heart that bright, intelligent, dedicated students doing what it is good students do (attending lecture) had to be taken like this. Prayers go out to the entire NIU campus, it is going to take a long time to heal even if they were nowhere near the scene.

Then shock became horror when it came out that the gunman was in fact a grad student currently enrolled at the Univeristy of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. My beloved alma mater. A place that is so near and dear to my heart. My blood runs thick Orange and Blue and does as it does for some of the people who are most important to me in my life, including DH. It literally made my stomach turn over when they said on the news he had his UIUC ID in his pocket.

My head became full of the "what if's?" and the "why's?" What was it that made this guy go up to NIU and do that and not stay where he was at? Where my BIL is still in school, where many, many friends are continuing their education, where professors and faculty that truly touched our lives still teach. What if something had happened? Wow. Just wow.

There's slight relief there...you know, that he didn't but it's not fair to NIU to feel that way. It almost feels, to me, like it's happened on both campus's...because everyone at UIUC knows someone at Northern and vice-versa. The state schools are very intertwined in Illinois because every kid in state goes to one of them. We all had friends at all of them. I can count on one hand the number of people I knew in high school who went to college out of state...it just doesn't happen. That why it feels like it was neighbors who were taken, even though I do not know them personally.

So I guess I just felt like I needed to get that out there. Talk about how I was feeling a little bit. I just hope they know at NIU, that the ENTIRE Illini Nation (and it stretches from coast to coast and beyond) is with you and praying for you during this difficult time.

We will NEVER forget.

 

Big Interview Tomorrow!!

Posted Wednesday, February 13, 2008 2:30 AM

Well, not for me....for DH. This is big. This is HUGE. This is IT!

We've been looking forward to one thing since we moved to Iowa three years ago...and that's leaving Iowa. Not that it's horrible or we are unhappy or anything but DH and I are the biggest bunch of homebodies you have ever met in your entire life. All we want to do is be closer to our families. We just want to go home! <<insert whiny crying here>>

Well, tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. DH is interviewing for a new position and promotion within his company. If he gets it, he'll work out of the corporate office. We'd have to relocate...BACK TO ILLINOIS!!! Hundreds of miles closer to both our families and all our friends. And even though it would mean leaving a job I love and lot of new great friends, I honestly believe this is what is best for us.

It's time to start thinking about our future. It's time to start thinking about our family and where we want to raise it. Illinois is where we belong. We want Grandma and Grandpa nearby. We want our kids to experience all the wonderful things we experienced growing up. It's just time to go home and I know DH is really really hoping this works out. I am too.