The Nest

You never thought your marriage was disposable?  You were the one who was spouting off a little while ago about marriage not being forever, the divorce rates are really high, blah blah blah.

You met a guy online, flew to Japan to meet him, stayed with him for 3 months and then got married.  You tell us that you spent the last year trying to make it work, and getting to know him.

Most people have dating relationships that last more than a year before getting engaged.  And the average engagement is a year.

Your marriage is a year.  Why?  I don't know.  And why did you get married in the first place?  Maybe you wanted to stay in Japan so bad, and the only way you could was to get married.  Even though you were only 18 and extremely immature, I just can't see a rational, sane person ever thinking this could have worked out.

Truthfully I have no idea why you did this.  It was stupid.  You say you have learned your lesson but I don't think you have learned the entire lesson.

Or if you have learned the whole lesson you are to embarressed to admit it on a message board to strangers who were critical of you.

You spent so much time trying to convince us that what you had made sense and was wonderful.  Now that it's falling apart around you (though it apparently was falling apart while you were trying to convince us it was great) you are trying to defend all of your actions.

Just admit you were stupid and we can all move on.

well, this post is a shocker.

on opposite day. 

livinitup:

I've followed your posts and feel like you've had an adventure.  There is something in your spirit that energized you to pick-up and move to Japan.  You're 19.  That's gutsy. 

Something tells me this isn't the end of your adventures.  Next time, do it on your own steam like a job or a trip or school or a fellowship or anything in the world that excites you.  It doesn't have to be for a marriage. Have your adventures in your 20's and leave the next marriage to your 30's.

And there will be many more adventures.

That's good advice, if I were this chick I would take it = ) 

ibis:

Good luck with your next marriage. 

And the next... and the next... because you are a freakin' moron.

livinitup:

I've followed your posts and feel like you've had an adventure.  There is something in your spirit that energized you to pick-up and move to Japan.  You're 19.  That's gutsy. 

Something tells me this isn't the end of your adventures.  Next time, do it on your own steam like a job or a trip or school or a fellowship or anything in the world that excites you.  It doesn't have to be for a marriage. Have your adventures in your 20's and leave the next marriage to your 30's.

And there will be many more adventures.

Definitely.

MrsTravis52:

livinitup:

I've followed your posts and feel like you've had an adventure.  There is something in your spirit that energized you to pick-up and move to Japan.  You're 19.  That's gutsy. 

Something tells me this isn't the end of your adventures.  Next time, do it on your own steam like a job or a trip or school or a fellowship or anything in the world that excites you.  It doesn't have to be for a marriage. Have your adventures in your 20's and leave the next marriage to your 30's.

And there will be many more adventures.

That's good advice, if I were this chick I would take it = ) 

I moved across a continent at 18 to live with someone I'd been dating long distance. 

But I also didn't marry him just 3 months in and hope it would all be right. I took time to first live on my own and have a normal dating relationship WHILE developing my own life and goals, THEN lived together to see if the compatibility went beyond just what we had over the distance. Turns out it did, but I have no doubt it would have messed up our relationship if we had just jumped head first into marriage with no more solid basis than phone calls and AIM conversations and stolen weekends every few months.

It's well and good to be adventurous-- I'm a wanderer and I'm not afraid to pick up and start somewhere new and different. But there's a line between making rational yet gutsy plans, and being ignorant to harsh reality while throwing caution into the wind and hoping the powers that be will undo any major fvck ups along the way (and therefore not even trying to avoid them). I can admire someone who does the former, because I know from experience it does take a lot of guts. I can't admire someone who does the latter.

No sane person would view a failed marriage as an "adventure". It's not an adventure-- it's the sad result of poor choices and even poorer planning. A learning experience? Perhaps, and if the OP actually looked at it that way this wouldn't be as flameworthy. Instead, she's "proud of sticking it out", rather than evaluating why she got into such a sh!tty situation in the first place. Way to miss all of the problems and chance for self-evaluation (and growing).

MrsOjoButtons:

He also gets mad at me and calls me names if I don't shower daily (engachou, or "dirty child", roughly).

You said it was 'cute' when your husband called you a pig, but you have a problem with being called dirty? 

I don't mind being called a racial slur. Usually, it's as a joke. Even if somebody called me a "gaijin" as an insult, I wouldn't mind, mostly because the majority of Japanese are jealous of Westerners.

But when you marry cross-culturally, you'd expect people to understand you'd do things differently. However, when I was criticized and called names (not as a joke, like we did with the racial slurs, which is the difference here) because I have a different SHOWER schedule, it gets annoying. And, after months of it, will start to piss you off.

Try it sometime.  

gaijin_princess:

I don't mind being called a racial slur. Usually, it's as a joke. Even if somebody called me a "gaijin" as an insult, I wouldn't mind, mostly because the majority of Japanese are jealous of Westerners.

But when you marry cross-culturally, you'd expect people to understand you'd do things differently. However, when I was criticized and called names (not as a joke, like we did with the racial slurs, which is the difference here) because I have a different SHOWER schedule, it gets annoying. And, after months of it, will start to piss you off.

Try it sometime.  

See, I wouldn't marry someone who treated me that way whether we had a cultural difference or not. 

You don't see at all how you could have avoided all of this if you had slowed it down? You wouldn't have had to "stick it out" because you wouldn't have been married and could have dumped him for being the douchebag he obviously is, and moved on. 

gaijin_princess:

magsugar13:

WOW..I'm shocked!

Isn't this what most of the ladies around ehre have been telling you since you first showed up?

The irritating thing is that you blame it all on him...once again your immaturity comes shining through.

Wow. 

I don't believe that asking my husband to do the dishes, dry them and put them away is irrational. I also don't think that asking him to keep a job is irrational. I also don't think that taking showers every other morning (he was also adamant about making me shower at night instead of in the morning) is irrational. 

I moved to Japan because it is a sh!t-ton easier for somebody to get into Japan than it is for a foreigner to get into America. I didn't want to go through a long, drawn out process only to have it end up badly. 

Besides-- what person who initiates a divorce believe that it's all their fault that they're divorcing? I've remained loyal to him, I've been incredibly good to him-- that includes staying with him, trying to work with him instead of just dropping him and going home. I spent a lot of time compromising with him, from asking him to do half of the workload to doing things and only asking when I needed help, to having him do just the dishes. I tried to help him get into a sleeping pattern so he could wake up easier at night, but he refuses to sleep before 3 AM.

I wanted to be with him. I didn't treat this as a "disposable marriage". I TRIED. I didn't just run away at the first hint of trouble. Those who do run away immediately are the ones that treat their unions as "disposable marriages". BECAUSE we were married, I stayed as long as I did. Had we just been dating, or just started living together, I probably would have been gone before the year was out.  And I probably wouldn't have stayed as long as that if I'd been anywhere but Japan... but leaving would have been expensive, so I decided to stick it out.

But I'd made a promise, and I kept by it... but now, it's just too much.

Glad I figured this out a year in instead of five years in. 

 

Uhmm she said the IRRITATING thing not the irrational thing. 

I can only imagine your parent's reaction to all of this.

I don't even have children but I believe that if my daughter told me she was moving half way around the world to marry some guy she barely knows to "see if it will work out", I'd be raising holy hell.

Truthfully, you got what you deserved.  Stupid is as stupid does. 

I don't even now how you got into this situation in the first place, but thank goodness for getting yourself out of it.

Now, use your brain in the future.  Get your education.  Get stable.  Get your own crap together.  In about 5-6 years, try getting married again.

Bottom line-  It wasn't a good idea to move across the world, to get to know a guy you only knew online, and to marry him after three months to get to know him better and see if the relationship would work out.  And, not to be Debbie Downer here, but the consequences could have been a much more different and dangerous set than him being reliant, unmotivated, and insulting.  What if you'd moved across the world to a country where you didn't know the language well, were still learning the complexities of the culture, and still weren't 100% on the guy, and the guy turned out to be controlling/ abusive, and really beat you down to keep you from leaving? Suppose he got hold of your finances/ identity and caused even more problems for you? Suppose he kicked you out and you got yourself into an even worse situation not knowing your way around so well or being as aware of the language/ customs? The worst situations aren't that you'd have always wondered about your internet boyfriend from when you were 18, or that you ended up divorcing him and coming back to the US at 19.  There are many, many other much worse worst-case scenarios that you avoided by sheer luck.  

I'm not bringing that up just to be harsh- I just think there's more for you to take away from this, and that recognizing some of the choices you made and not repeating them are important.  I think you will come to think of this whole "moving to Japan and marrying this fellow" episode with some regret, and I hope that it's before you make similar choices and possibly get yourself into a situation you can't extricate yourself from as easily.  

lolololololololololololololololololololololololololol

What a shock this is...  Idiot.    

cindy453:

You don't marry somebody to find out if they are the one, you marry them BECAUSE they are the one. You don't marry somebody to see if you can stand living with them, you marry somebody because you cannot imagine life without them.

THIS.  THIS.  THIS.  I'm 19 too so obviously not all 19-year-olds don't get it.  lol

I can partially understand what you went through when you went to Japan, but to compensate getting engaged after six months (when I was 18), we're going to be engaged for 4.5 years (1.5 years down lol), so while we grow and change, we can still discover whether we're truly going to be able to stay together.  You should have done this at the least.  I know it would have been harder to stay in Japan not being married, but if you didn't get married to him right away, you might have found someone else in Japan.

Wow, the girls on here are just plain mean.  Who cares if what she did was right or wrong in your mind?  Why the personal attacks?  Do any of you really think it will do any good to attack a stranger and tell her what she should have done?  Has that ever worked for any of you? 

Either say, "go girl!" or shut the %$% up.  You know, basically what our mothers taught us. 

You go, girl.  I'm sure it was a learning experience. 

Zista:

Wow, the girls on here are just plain mean.  Who cares if what she did was right or wrong in your mind?  Why the personal attacks?  Do any of you really think it will do any good to attack a stranger and tell her what she should have done?  Has that ever worked for any of you? 

Either say, "go girl!" or shut the %$% up.  You know, basically what our mothers taught us. 

You go, girl.  I'm sure it was a learning experience. 

Because she's given "advice" to many women and used her own "successful" marriage as an example.  And she still doesn't know why what she did was stupid but is instead thinking she deserves a cookie for trying to make this sham of a marriage work.  If you had seen this chick on other boards over the last few months, you'd understand.

gaijin_princess:

I wanted to be with him. I didn't treat this as a "disposable marriage". I TRIED. I didn't just run away at the first hint of trouble. Those who do run away immediately are the ones that treat their unions as "disposable marriages".

  No, those who run away immediately at the first sign of trouble are SMART. They're especially smart if they arent already married to someone they barely know.

BECAUSE we were married, I stayed as long as I did. Had we just been dating, or just started living together, I probably would have been gone before the year was out.  And I probably wouldn't have stayed as long as that if I'd been anywhere but Japan... but leaving would have been expensive, so I decided to stick it out.

 I'm sure this will be beyond you, but I really wonder if you realize - in retrospect- that staying married to someone who is wrong for you and treats you poorly isnt admirable.

But I'd made a promise, and I kept by it... but now, it's just too much.

Oh, please. Dont spew this "I made a promise" crap. You married someone you didnt know because it was the only way- in your mind- that you could "test out the relationship". You didnt make a promise. You did something out of convenience that you now regret. The only people who should be allowed to use the "I made a promise/I kept my vow" lines are the women who STAY in bad marriages because of it. They really *are* keeping their promises (not that they should). You're not. That's probably a good thing in your case, but dont bother with the promise keeping thing.

Glad I figured this out a year in instead of five years in. 

 

gaijin_princess:

livinitup:

I've followed your posts and feel like you've had an adventure.  There is something in your spirit that energized you to pick-up and move to Japan.  You're 19.  That's gutsy. 

Something tells me this isn't the end of your adventures.  Next time, do it on your own steam like a job or a trip or school or a fellowship or anything in the world that excites you.  It doesn't have to be for a marriage. Have your adventures in your 20's and leave the next marriage to your 30's.

And there will be many more adventures.

Definitely.

OK, but keep in mind you don't have to MARRY them all.

Not even old enough to drink and you've got one (very predictable and easily foreseen by everyone but you apparently) divorce under your belt.  Around here, we call that "klassy."

gaijin_princess:

MrsOjoButtons:

He also gets mad at me and calls me names if I don't shower daily (engachou, or "dirty child", roughly).

You said it was 'cute' when your husband called you a pig, but you have a problem with being called dirty? 

I don't mind being called a racial slur. Usually, it's as a joke. Even if somebody called me a "gaijin" as an insult, I wouldn't mind, mostly because the majority of Japanese are jealous of Westerners.

But when you marry cross-culturally, you'd expect people to understand you'd do things differently. However, when I was criticized and called names (not as a joke, like we did with the racial slurs, which is the difference here) because I have a different SHOWER schedule, it gets annoying. And, after months of it, will start to piss you off.

Try it sometime.  

OK so out of all the comments and questions THIS is the one that you respond to! lol just figures.

Gaijin, I'm sorry it didn't work out.  I hope you will learn from this and use it as advice in the future.

How did STBX react when you told him you were leaving him?  It sounds like he never cared about you as much as you cared about him.

Live and learn.  And get some hardcore counseling when you get back to the States.  And go back to college! 

I also wouldn't date for a while, if I were you.

gaijin_princess:

 the majority of Japanese are jealous of Westerners.

Any Japanese people here to call BS on this?

What did your parents think of you moving around the world to chase a silly dream?  You're young enough for this to be a very valid question.

Um, anyone how thinks that this site and this board is a place for "you go girl" and the like clearly hasn't been here long.

People call it like they see it here, you'll get support in the fact that people are actually telling you what you need to hear. 

Princess here hasn't been quite the delicate little flower.  She refuses to learn that there is a lesson here.  For her to wave off those comments pointing that out, just proves her immaturity and lack of self awareness.

I truly hope that you take that giant azz chip off your shoulder someday and realize that you are solely responsible for your own actions and learn from your mistakes. 

gaijin_princess:

 the majority of Japanese are jealous of Westerners.

Good lord, another gem. You are proof that mere exposure to another culture does not have the power to squelch prejudice and chauvinism. How depressing.

To the person who wonders why people are so 'mean' to Gaijin, I can only speak for myself, but this is why. She's arrogant and racist and has the self-awareness of an earthworm. 

What did your parents think of you moving around the world to chase a silly dream? 

Oh, they fully supported her because they knew how mature she was!

Zista:

Wow, the girls on here are just plain mean.  Who cares if what she did was right or wrong in your mind?  Why the personal attacks?  Do any of you really think it will do any good to attack a stranger and tell her what she should have done?  Has that ever worked for any of you? 

Either say, "go girl!" or shut the %$% up.  You know, basically what our mothers taught us. 

You go, girl.  I'm sure it was a learning experience. 

And yeah actually, some people NEED to hear the truth because they are otherwise surrounded by winners such as yourself who say "you go girl" in situations where that really doesn't do anything but encourage stupid behavior. You're the one who needs to "shut the %$% up." Because you've contributed nothing to this conversation but more idiocy. YOU GO GIRL, LOL!!!!

At least she's getting out before they dragged any kids into this goshawful mess.

But unless you figure out where YOU shoulder some of the blame here, Gaijin, you will continue to find yourself in these bad life messes.  Where are you and your choices at fault here?  Figure that out and you'll have gained some valuable self-awareness from this.

cindy453:

You don't marry somebody to find out if they are the one, you marry them BECAUSE they are the one. You don't marry somebody to see if you can stand living with them, you marry somebody because you cannot imagine life without them.

THIS x 10000000