The Nest

Very good point, but I am pretty much the only person she ever spills the beans to. She isn't comfortable with her mom, or sister, or even daughter to the extent she talks to me....but you do have a good point. I should just let it go. This is maybe the 2nd or 3rd time in over 3 years that we have touched on the topic.

lol But again you have a good point, I'll let it go.

I still think it was inappropriate, she could have just said, you know, let it go :)

She is very sweet and very good to me, but a very timid woman. I am a very strong modern woman. That is why her son loves me to be honest :)

What does this have to do w/ anything?

 And I agree- I think you crossed a line, and she crossed it right back.

Also- you're upset that she's daring to compare the two, but YOU'RE comparing the two to try and justify why it's o.k. for you to say what you said, but not her.

You can't have it both ways!  If she can't compare the two, then neither can you.

I should have added more. You all have VERY VALID POINTS...very, I want that to be clear. She and I have discussed this on other occasions, openly and easily, and brought up by her. I met her son online...just an FYI.

You are right, that comment doesnt have much to do with anything, other then it drives me nuts.... but, no it doesnt have anything to do with anything....

I just think it was wrong to compare the two.

I clearly am over reacting....Thanks for the help :)

I don't think what she said was that big of a deal.  She just put you in your place, quickly and firmly.  Simple as that.  No matter how close you are, offering unsolicited advice to you MIL is usually not a good idea, especially about her love life.  Chalk it up to misunderstanding your relationship boundaries, and don't go there again with her.

Ditto ECB, you think it's wrong that she compared the two, but that is exactly what you are doing!

And also, I don't think that she said it in an effort to downplay what your mother must be going through.  I think her remark was more in an effort to let you know that what you said was inappropriate.

It seems like you see your MIL's situation as 'oh well the jerk left time to move on with your life' and with your mom, a terrible tragedy from which she should take as much time as she needs to grieve. I'm very sorry for the loss of your father, but no matter what a jerk your MIL's ex was, she is still also dealing with a loss, however different, and deserves to grieve in her own way as well. I'm sure if she wants dating advice she will bring it up.

I’m so sorry about your dad.

As for your MIL - I’m not shocked by her response at all. Whether she is dating is frankly none of your business to comment on, and her reply reflects that.

I'm sorry about your dad.

That said, your MIL can manage her own affairs, without your help; and your remark was intrusive and unkind. Your mil was not telling you to tell your mother to date; she was pointing out to you how rude your remark was to her. You are completely missing that point.

(When your dad has been gone three years, don't think you get to tell your mother what she ought to be doing in her private life either. THAT's the point your mil was making.)

You don't have a clue what really went on in their marriage, and your "I'm a big strong confident woman and you require my advice' attitude sounds like it really set her off. Leave her alone, she'll date if and when she wants to.  She managed to date and marry and reproduce, all without your presence; she can do it again if she wants. Or not.

Not sure about the circumstances with your MIL and how she and her husband split, but I know that in my own situation, my dad just told my mom that he didn't love her anymore and then peaced out.  They had been married for 35 years, and the same month he moved out, he started living with someone else (who, as it turns out, had been in the picture for years).  Just because my dad didn't die, doesn't mean the shock is any less for my mom.  If he had, at least she would have thought she was still loved, instead of completely losing faith in herself for making the mistake of staying married to a cheater. 

I don't see my mom dating in the next five years, but I wish she would.  She is so devastated by this that she says she can't imagine ever trusting anyone else.  So just because it isn't a death that breaks up a marriage doesn't mean that the person is ready to move on and date.

It sounds like it's just a sore spot with your MIL - maybe she was afraid she would say too much to you, since it sounds like you're the only one she confides in about this stuff.  She might have just snapped at you so the conversation would end.  Either way, I wouldn't worry too much about it. 

abarrett- You are 100% dead on, that is the exact story, EXACTLY. And  you get her comments down exactly right too.....thank you.

I am not making a big deal about it now,because I know she is not a mean person, and she was just ending the convo, not making a point. She is so sweet, I know she hasn't got a mean bone in her body.

This is my first real post and I appreciate all of the advice.......

Sue_sue:

Your mil was not telling you to tell your mother to date; she was pointing out to you how rude your remark was to her. You are completely missing that point.

Exactly right.

They many have lost their husbands in different ways,  but they are both single women.  Her question was not out of order by any means. 
YOU are the one sensitive, because it is your mom. 

What if your mom did start to date?  Maybe she does not want to live the rest of her life alone.  I know people who have remarried after losing a spouse - in less than a year's time. 

I just don't get how such a dumb thing could come out of her mouth!!!

she could say the same thing about you.  who are you to tell her what to do with her love life?  myob.

I actually don't get why you think she would be wrong to compare the two.  My dad died when I was 17, so my mom is in a similar boat to your mom... also a very warm and loving marriage.  I think my mom has it easier beginning to date again than many women who dealt with divorce, because he didn't have a choice in leaving -- there's no rejection or loss of trust there.  I feel it's easier for me in some ways than for children of divorce, because at least I can grieve for my dad and not have all the negative emotions that so many divorces come with.

Your MIL isn't better off than your mom in terms of having something to move past... I would say she is in a worse place and may need MORE time to recover.

My mom started dating about two years after, btw, before giving up again. it's different for everyone.  your comment of "i don't see her dating anyone for at least 5 years" struck me as a little strange... you don't know when she'll be ready, and there isn't any mandatory time allowance she has to fulfill.  

Sorry about your dad.  Wish the best for you and your mom. 

me thinks this nestie doesn't care if her MIL dates because that's different than her own mother dating. I mean, after all, how could her mother ever give up worshippi