The Nest

Irreconcilable differences in the first instance and deception  in the second( and both were adulterers in the second)

magsugar13:

she should be discussing all the reasons she WON'T marry him.

Yup....Sorry, but I have to agree w/ Mags on this one. 

To the woman I say, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I don't see how this is going to be a lasting marriage.

I'm kinda half and half....I don't think that him being married should have THAT much of an effect on this woman, especially since she has kids too (she might as well have been married), maybe he should be questioning her and why she never got married to the father of her children and why they're not together anymore (I think it should go both ways in this situation)

I don't like the cheating in his past though....that would make me very weary...and I'd really have a big conversation about what marriage means to him, is he going into it like he has in the past? what has he learned? would he do pre marriage counselling before getting engaged?

I think a lot goes into this.  how old was he w/ the first marriage (sorry, but a lot of first marriages are "starter" marriages.  Being too young and unprepared for being an "adult".)?  And so you know cheating was involved w/ the 2nd, but as both people cheated.... kind of makes me think something was inherently wrong w/ that relationship to start with.

But so much more is needed to be known about both of these marriages.  Age, how long, state of mind, how it fell apart, how long ago, etc. 

Also - how long has this couple been dating?  How soon into it did he start talking marriage?  If it's still a relatively new relationship, I think it's a HUGE red flag that he's talking marriage.  However, if it's been awhile, then maybe not a red flag. 

Sabrina121:

I'm kinda half and half....I don't think that him being married should have THAT much of an effect on this woman, especially since she has kids too (she might as well have been married), maybe he should be questioning her and why she never got married to the father of her children and why they're not together anymore (I think it should go both ways in this situation)

I don't like the cheating in his past though....that would make me very weary...and I'd really have a big conversation about what marriage means to him, is he going into it like he has in the past? what has he learned? would he do pre marriage counselling before getting engaged?

This does not make you tired = weary, it makes you nervous, afraid and cautious = wary. 

angels_walk:

Sabrina121:

I'm kinda half and half....I don't think that him being married should have THAT much of an effect on this woman, especially since she has kids too (she might as well have been married), maybe he should be questioning her and why she never got married to the father of her children and why they're not together anymore (I think it should go both ways in this situation)

I don't like the cheating in his past though....that would make me very weary...and I'd really have a big conversation about what marriage means to him, is he going into it like he has in the past? what has he learned? would he do pre marriage counselling before getting engaged?

This does not make you tired = weary, it makes you nervous, afraid and cautious = wary. 

yes yes yes...merci!

If she has a problem with him having been divorced twice, why is she dating him? 

My uncle has been married to his third wife for 22 years now, and they seem very happy.  So I have no doubts that it can work.  But the statistical odds are certainly against it.  I can't really see myself giving a twice divorced man a chance, but at 27 years old, I probably have a lot more options on never-married men than a middle-aged woman does.  (Most men my age haven't had time to get married and divorced even once, let alone twice.) 

I don't know...when my SIL was about 40 she started dating a man who had been divorced twice. I don't know the details but I think there may have been infidelity. She had never been married, had no kids.

They married and have now been married 15 years. They are like two peas in a pod, they really are perfect together.

With your example, I think that if the woman feels that she is really in love with this man but is nervous about his divorces, they should have some couples counseling.

I would want know exactly what went wrong in his first two marriages, and what he had done in the meantime to work on himself to avoid making the same mistakes again.  The fact that he cheated in his second marriage would give me the most cause for concern.  Just because his ex did too so obviously that relationship had a bunch of issues does not justify him doing that. 

If she decides to go ahead with it, TONS of pre-marital counseling would be a must.  It's not a matter of "trusting him" to make it work.  She needs to go into this with her eyes wide open and not just blindly think "this time it will be different".  .

All that said, a very good friend of mine married a guy and was his third wife.  His first was a "starter" - married very young, popped out two kids right away, then grew apart.  The second lasted ~10 years, his ex basically left him, I don't know much else.  I had my concerns but they've now been happily married for 7 years. 

They should work this out TOGETHER in pre-marital counseling.

sillygoosegirl:

If she has a problem with him having been divorced twice, why is she dating him? 

This exactly.

I would say this- I think if the never-been-married lady has reservations about marrying the twice-divorced man, she should heed them.  Because of this: sure, there are circumstances where third time's the charm, or people deeply regret their past mistakes and never make them again, or people grow and change long since their last marriage, or whatever.  I'll grant you that- sure, it's possible.  But it's never a good idea to get married if you're doubting whether the marriage can last before you're even engaged.  If the lady is thinking, "I don't know if I can trust him to make it work on the third try," then the lady isn't confident enough in the idea of marriage to this man to be discussing engagement.  The lady in this situation knows the man in much more depth than anyone else on this board, and if his two past divorces are jumping out at her and she is questioning whether to trust him to make it work on the third marriage, there is probably a good reason for that.  Trust your gut.

I'm going to speak from personal experience as I am a never married woman dating a twice divorced man. We have happily been together over 3 years and plan on getting married next fall.

I'm not in the exact situation as I don't have any kids and he has two. It depends on what happened in the marriages and what happened in her relationships. As far as my experience, I have no reservations as to being with him and being his wife. I know what happened in both marriages. Short story is cheating and trying to do the right thing. He didn't cheat, he was cheated on. Everyone makes mistakes in life and no one has the right to judge anyone else. It makes me sick that so many people would simply write off someone before they got to know them. He is an amazing man with a huge heart. He's been through hell in his life and he deserves to be happy. I didn't dream of marrying a man that had been married twice before, but he is the one God made for me.

As far as the people involved, they need to talk about where they are in life, what they have learned from their past relationships, and what they want from the future. They also need to pray for guidance. Every situation is different and everyone is different.

STaylor,

Thanks for responding and I do appreciate your sage advice.  As you rightly say, each situation is different and must be dealt with on its own merit.

Prayer works every time - and that am doing much of.

angels_walk:

Sabrina121:

I'm kinda half and half....I don't think that him being married should have THAT much of an effect on this woman, especially since she has kids too (she might as well have been married), maybe he should be questioning her and why she never got married to the father of her children and why they're not together anymore (I think it should go both ways in this situation)

I don't like the cheating in his past though....that would make me very weary...and I'd really have a big conversation about what marriage means to him, is he going into it like he has in the past? what has he learned? would he do pre marriage counselling before getting engaged?

This does not make you tired = weary, it makes you nervous, afraid and cautious = wary. 

Sue_sue:

Oh, the heck with him. She's burning daylight; go find someone else who does not have these issues. Divorced once, MAYBE; with no cheating. Divorced twice, and he's screwed around? Nah. He just wants to pin her down.