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11-02-2009 at 1:54 PM
fatpoorugl...
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Trust & Friends

We all know how important it's to have trust in our relationships.. friendships, etc. So my question is.. what happens when trust is broken?

Very long story short, my best friend broke my trust over the weekend. Basically threw me under the bus. I can forgive.. fine. But I don't think our friendship will ever be the same. Is this true? Has anyone gone through this? Do you try to remember how you've been there for each other and go on.... or.. once trust is broken... it's broken.

 
11-02-2009 at 2:10 PM
EastCoastB...
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I think trust can be re-earned.  However, it would probably depend on what broke the trust in the first place.

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11-02-2009 at 2:29 PM
shopgirl_0...
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Most friendships evolve and change over the years. Unfortunately, when things like this happen, it often does really change the tone or closeness of the relationship. You two may have naturally been growing apart, your interests may be changing, she may have developed jealousy. It happens.

I definitely have broken up with friends before and I also have friendships that aren't as close as they used to be. But I also have longtime friends who I've grown closer to over the years. Anyway, if this incident has changed the way you feel about her, don't feel bad about pulling back on the friendship or not being as close to her as you once were.

 
11-02-2009 at 3:05 PM
CottonPant...
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Not sure how the trust was broken. You may not fully trust again - but you will learn what to trust that person for.

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11-02-2009 at 3:21 PM
Sisugal
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Did you confront them as to why they did what they did? Sometimes people are just stupid and do dumb things out of character (especially if they drank too much or feel threatened in some way). Trust can be re-earned. The question really is, do you still want this person as a friend?
 
11-02-2009 at 3:27 PM
duckie1190...
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I believe that trust can be re-earned but how long it takes (or if it was worth it) would really depend on how the trust was broken in the first place.

11-02-2009 at 3:27 PM
jkmcnamara
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For me, after someone does something that shatters my trust, I can never see the good side of them again....I can only see the bad in them. So no, I would not be friends anymore nor would I trust them. If they did it once, they can do it again.

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11-02-2009 at 3:35 PM
ictoana
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It depends on what was done and how the person reacts afterword.

Trust can be earned back, but it would not be an easy road for that person.  I know myself, and I'm not quick to trust.  If you break that trust is is going to take a lot to earn it back.  You are going to have to show true remorse for your action and you better not screw up again.




 
11-02-2009 at 4:14 PM
holtzerjon...
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It depends.  I had a very close friend who was very rude and disrespectful to my ex-boyfriend.  After we broke up, I made sure my friend knew that this didn't mean she was "off the hook" for her behavior towards him.  When I met my DH 6 months later, I thought she'd try to regain my trust by making a little extra effort to get to know him, but she didn't.  She was always polite and appropriate, but just didn't really show much interest.  We're nowhere near as close as we used to be, but i'm sure she doesn't attribute that to her own behavior. 
 
11-02-2009 at 5:29 PM
MrsGinger
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I don't think "forgiving" or "re-earning trust" should carry the expectation that the relationship will be the same as before, as if nothing ever happened- humans remember things, and are affected by things, and even if you want want want to forget what happened and she wants wants wants to forget it happened, it did happen, and if you continue the friendship, it's going to be a part of your history as friends.  So I would not focus on trying to erase or forget this incident, but rather focus on whether or not this can become a part of the past in your history together, or if this is something that changes who you know your friend to be.

Things to think about: did this show you a side of your friend you've never seen? Is this a side of your friend you've seen before, but never thought she'd take it this far? Is this something that makes you question whether your friend would even try or want to earn your trust back?  


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11-02-2009 at 6:21 PM
Ms_Matched
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I guess it depends how your friend broke your trust. What was the severity of the emotional damage it cause you? Is it something you can forgive and forget? Are you able to bounce back from it?

Did you ask your friend his/her side of the story? Why they threw you under the bus? You should at least give them the opportunity to explain their side and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Trust is major with me. Once I lose trust in someone, it is really hard for me to ever trust them in the same way again. I may forgive them, but I have a very hard time forgetting.

 
11-02-2009 at 8:04 PM
sapphirebl...
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As others said, it does depend on what exactly happened. I would say that in my experience, the friendship can never be the same.

I had a friend who stole from me and when I asked her if she had seen the item she stole (not knowing at that point what had happened) she lied to me about it. It was a big saga when I found out and confronted her. We gradually reknit the friendship and we definitely had some good times after that incident. However, I could never forget it and I did end the friendship years later. I realized at that point that the incident had shown me a capability she had for deceit and I should have just ended it then.

 
11-03-2009 at 2:51 PM
SunMoon&St...
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EastCoastBride:
I think trust can be re-earned.  However, it would probably depend on what broke the trust in the first place.

Yes, trust can be re-earned....but the key word here is EARNED. Forgiveness has to be earned, too.

So to answer your question what happens when trust is broken? Well, that's up to your friend. From your OP, it doesn't sound like she's making any effort to make amends at all. Personally, I would walk away from a "friendship" like this and not look back. Life's too short for that crap.


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11-03-2009 at 4:48 PM
Mikes Swee...
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I think it depends on the situation. 

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11-03-2009 at 4:51 PM
catali150
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I think you can learn to adjust your expectations of that person.

I had a falling out with a close friend over a year ago.  I have let go of the hurt and anger, but I now know a different side of her, and it is one that will prevent me from ever being as close to her as I was again. But we have managed to rebuild our friendship to some degree.

 
11-03-2009 at 5:54 PM
*lily*721
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I had this happen with my former BFF.  Something happened, I needed a break.  Then the break became a month and so on.  Its been almost 2 years and sometimes still very awkward.  We still work together and it was assumed for a long time that we were still close friends.  We chat when neccessary but I cannot forget what she did nor the many warnings I had recevied about her from other people.
 
11-03-2009 at 6:04 PM
Sue_sue
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Depends on what happened. 

 
11-04-2009 at 11:30 AM
fishballs
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It really depends on what happened.  If you think that time will heal, give it a chance.

I tend to have a few close friends.  If one of them threw me under the bus or was not completely honest with me it would take time for me to decide how to handle that.  At this point in my life I really don't have the patience for it, and I'd probably let the friendship become less 'close'. 

Again, it really depends on the situation.  Some things are worth forgiving. 


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