The Nest

DH and I are both in our twenties (I'm 26, he's 28), have been married for 4 years and have no children. He comes from a large, very close family (8 kids, parents still married). I was pretty much an only child (my half-sister is 9 years older and left when I was 6 or 7; my step-brother mostly lived with his mom) and come from a very crazy, messed up family. Both my mother and step-father have severe problems with alcohol and drug abuse and my mom has been physically and verbally abusive to me since childhood. Because I was confined to this environment growing up I had severe anxiety into my early twenties.

After a particularly awful episode with my mom at my wedding, I made the decision to cut off all contact with them until they seek treatment for and fix the problems that they have. Since I made this decision my anxiety has gotten a lot better. It’s worth noting that my h.sister and s.brother have also cut off contact with them (my h.sister actually ran away at 16). I don't see my h.sister (no one knows where she is) or my s.brother (we were never particularly close) either, but not necessarily by choice. My mother never spoke about her immediate family (even though she came from a very large family) and we never visited them so I did not have a relationship with my maternal grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. growing up. We did visit my s.father's family during the holidays but since I cut off contact with my parents I have not continued this relationship as I was never particularly close with them (and they have all kinds of crazy also). I did spend time with my biological father's mom (my grandmother) and aunts/uncles during my childhood and continue to do so today. However, I have not had a good relationship with my biological father, which is the reason for this post. Sorry to have to give a complete biography and dip into sordid family problems, but it helps to understand the issue I'm having.

My mother has been married three times and she divorced my b.father (husband #2) when I was very young (1 or 2). I continued to visit my b.father for the weekend every two weeks or so until I was 7 or 8 when my mother "forced" him to give up parental rights or face jail time for unpaid child support. Or at least this is the story that she told me. It probably doesn't matter what the reason really was since toward the end my b.father started having drug problems of his own, was often in transient housing situations, and when I would visit I was probably not in very safe environments (but, being a small child I didn't know it at the time).

I did not see my b.father again until I was 16 or 17 years old. I think my paternal grandmother had some hand in convincing my mom to talk about him to me and see if he could come around. The reason for his sudden return into my life turned out to be because he had a second child a year or two before (my half-brother) and had found out recently that not only was his son autistic but also that he had contracted AIDS (likely during his drug episodes). Faced with his own mortality (I assume) and wanting to introduce my h.brother, he decided to amend his various family relationships (his mother and siblings had somewhat given up on him due to his drug problems as well), which apparently included me.

This was not a very convincing amendment (at least with me). I saw him a few times after that (he came to my mom's house) and also when I'd see my grandmother and aunts/uncles for the holidays. This has pretty much continued to this day and is usually the only time I see him (I sometimes see my paternal grandmother and aunts/uncles at other times of the year).

In the last several years my b.father found love again with a woman who has two teenage sons and they are now all living together (including my h.brother when my b.father has visitation). I am happy for him, but I don't particularly care for his girlfriend or her children. My b.father fell quite ill about a year and a half ago and I tried to be supportive of him as he went through several surgeries and even tried to start a "normal" relationship with him (as much of one as we can have now, anyway).

However, I found that I really couldn't make this work. There are a lot of reasons for this. One being his girlfriend, who either does not know about our past or refuses to acknowledge it and continually insists that I am the reason we don't get together often enough, that I should be more supportive of my b.father, etc, etc., and insists on introducing me to everyone who happens to be around as my b.father's "daughter", which I don't agree with at all, especially with strangers. Also, her children are ill mannered and loud, much like my b.father's girlfriend, and are rude and annoying to DH.

Another problem is that my b.father has started continually raving about his "new, awesome, fabulous, perfect" family with his girlfriend. He (and his girlfriend) is constantly talking about how great their sons are, what they’re doing as a family, etc. etc. This happens all the time, whether we are out together or with extended family. This really hurts me but I don't think he knows (his mind is somewhat gone from his illness and the medication he is on). I don't feel like I am part of his “new family” (not that I really want to be in a traditional sense) and am hurt that he's so happy now when he decided to dump the “old” family he had (me, his mom, his siblings, etc.). I am also angry that he abandoned me with someone (my mom) who hurt me and ruined my childhood. I’m not even sure if he knows all that happened to me. He and the rest of my paternal extended family do know that I don’t talk to my mother or s.father, so I think they are aware that something is “up”. They have also experienced first-hand the craziness of my mother so my intuition is that they know enough. No matter what I try I cannot stop thinking about these things when I am around my b.father. He also has never tried to talk about our past or provide any clarity or apology, not that I’m sure it would help.

The final problem is my anxiety. It goes through the roof when I know I have to be with him, even if there are going to be other people there (my paternal grandmother, aunts/uncles, etc.). I have panic attacks before and after the visit and usually get depressed. Of course, my b.father insists on bringing his “new family” to all the events, which compounds the problem.

So, FINALLY, my question is, should I continue this? I love my husband and his family and greatly enjoy spending time with them, especially the holidays. I also love my paternal grandmother, aunts/uncles, etc. very much, but dealing with my b.father has made visits with them completely unbearable (for me and my DH) since he’s usually there. For the last several years we traded off holidays between our families but I am starting to wish we didn’t have to. But I feel SO guilty not seeing my paternal extended family and don’t want to hurt them. Lately I have been avoiding all contact with my b.father but the holidays are just around the corner and I need to make a decision. DH is incredibly supportive and will take my lead. Help?!

Update: Thank you all so much for your comments, they really have helped. I guess I was looking for some perspective and an outside opinion (DH is wonderful but perhaps somewhat biased. ;) ) and that is what I have been given. Again, thanks so much for your thoughts, they have really helped me to think through everything from a lot of different perspectives.