The Nest

Grief can make people really weird, like you said.

But really, treating friends/family poorly during a time of crisis is still inexcusable. 

Well, the death of your friend's husband is clearly harder than the death of your mother.  I know she doesn't realize that's how her comment is being heard, but still.  I do give people a little more leeway under these circumstances, but this was pretty insensitive.  I think I probably would have said so.

Sunsh1ne:

Well, the death of your friend's husband is clearly harder than the death of your mother.  I know she doesn't realize that's how her comment is being heard, but still.  I do give people a little more leeway under these circumstances, but this was pretty insensitive.  I think I probably would have said so.

Why do you say that the death of the friend's husband is harder than the death of the OP's mother?? I dont think any death is "easier" especially a husband and a mother! I dont think anyone can even say that for someone else. Everyone handles it differently and just because the OP didn't say a rude comment doesn't mean it wasn't as hard for her.

Sue_sue:

I think you were both very insensitive in your remarks. 

How was I insensitive?

I agreed/empathized with her. 

Do you think that I made it sound like it was adding to her husband suffering that the girsl weren't there? That's not what I meant at all I was just trying to be "I agree, I hear what you're saying, I've been there" 

I don't think she was being weird, or misspoke, she's coping and managing excessive grief and shared her brutally honest opinion that your situation with your daughter and mother is not at all similar to her current situation.

In these types of situations, I speak very little and typically avoid sharing stories / details of how I might relate to what they are going through. I probably wouldn't have 'retold' the mother / granddaughter story and this woman was there, right? I would have agreed how difficult it is to wait for family members to arrive and leave it at that. Because you're right, in times of stress and grief, who knows what is going through someone's mind.

I think it's unfortunate she hurt your feelings like that, it wasn't necessary. You made the effort to go and brought flowers, you had the best of intentions.

i think the thread title would answer it all. :)

gt:

3 years ago my mom died.  While she was in the hospital DD was in Europe. I said to my moms friend, "I wish she could hold on a few more days until DD gets home from Eurpoe, maybe they could stabilize her meds and give her some more time,if she could just hang on." After my mom died her friend said she was glad that she didn't hang on just to see DD because of the guilt that would put on DD (whaaa??) I had forgotten about it until today.

Now the same woman's husband is in the hospital and doesn;t have long to live, his g-daughters are due in from Australia where they live on the 12th. His wife said "I hope he can hang on until they get here." I agreed saying how hard it is when the family is far apart and mentioned how DD was away when my mom died and how hard it was for my mom.

Her friend snapped "It's not the same thing at all, our grand daughter is almost 30 years old, your daughter was only 12 she'd known your mother less than half as long."    

Oookay, I'll just leave these flowers here and back out of the room. 

I dont think that lady changed a bit after all those years!  But that last sentence is hilarious!

AGTison:

Sunsh1ne:

Well, the death of your friend's husband is clearly harder than the death of your mother.  I know she doesn't realize that's how her comment is being heard, but still.  I do give people a little more leeway under these circumstances, but this was pretty insensitive.  I think I probably would have said so.

Why do you say that the death of the friend's husband is harder than the death of the OP's mother?? I dont think any death is "easier" especially a husband and a mother! I dont think anyone can even say that for someone else. Everyone handles it differently and just because the OP didn't say a rude comment doesn't mean it wasn't as hard for her.

However, the woman just sounds insensitive in general.  To even have made that comment 3 years ago was incredibly insensitive. 

I guess I don't agree with anyone here that the other woman was insensitive 3 years ago. 

When I read that, my thought was "well, it was awkward, but she was trying to help you to not feel bad that your daughter didn't make it in time to see your mother".  I mean, there wasn't anything that could be done..........I think it would have been worse had she bemoaned the fact that your daughter didn't make it in time and how awful that was.  She was trying to put a positive spin on it, and it came out weird.  That's all.

I think that your comment was the more insensitive one.  This woman is very upset at the thought that her granddaughters won't make it in time to say goodbye to her husband (just as you were upset 3 years ago), and you remind her of how bad your mom felt when your daughter didn't make it in time.  Put yourself in her shoes.........how would that have felt? 

Her response back to you was rude and illogical, but in her grief she probably blurted out the first thing she could think to say (other than 'fluck you', of course).

Nothing you can do about it now, but in the future put youself in the other person's shoes.  Would you have really felt your comforted by your comment had someone said that to you while you watched your mother die?

EastCoastBride:

AGTison:

Sunsh1ne:

Well, the death of your friend's husband is clearly harder than the death of your mother.  I know she doesn't realize that's how her comment is being heard, but still.  I do give people a little more leeway under these circumstances, but this was pretty insensitive.  I think I probably would have said so.

Why do you say that the death of the friend's husband is harder than the death of the OP's mother?? I dont think any death is "easier" especially a husband and a mother! I dont think anyone can even say that for someone else. Everyone handles it differently and just because the OP didn't say a rude comment doesn't mean it wasn't as hard for her.

I'm going to assume that Sunsh1ne is talking about the woman personally.  The death of her DH is going to be harder on HER than the death of the OP's mom. 

However, the woman just sounds insensitive in general.  To even have made that comment 3 years ago was incredibly insensitive. 

Yes, my comments were confusing.  Bottom line, that woman was completely insensitive.  I read it as the woman saying to OP that her husband's death was more tragic than the death of OP's mother, which is a crappy, crappy thing to say.  I probably would have told her that her comment was completely insensitive.

It's only a guess, but I bet she is often disagreeable and in more pain than anyone else.

I do find life quite amazing some time .... three years ago she disagreed bitterly (and bizarely) when you spoke of wishing that your mother would stabalize and hang-on for a few days to see her grandchild.  Now, when the situation is remarkably similar she finds herself wishing the exact same thing to the exact same person. Wishing what YOU wished. 

I know it is just a coincidence, but isn't the irony just wild?

Maybride2:

I guess I don't agree with anyone here that the other woman was insensitive 3 years ago. 

When I read that, my thought was "well, it was awkward, but she was trying to help you to not feel bad that your daughter didn't make it in time to see your mother".  I mean, there wasn't anything that could be done..........I think it would have been worse had she bemoaned the fact that your daughter didn't make it in time and how awful that was.  She was trying to put a positive spin on it, and it came out weird.  That's all.

I think that your comment was the more insensitive one.  This woman is very upset at the thought that her granddaughters won't make it in time to say goodbye to her husband (just as you were upset 3 years ago), and you remind her of how bad your mom felt when your daughter didn't make it in time.  Put yourself in her shoes.........how would that have felt? 

Her response back to you was rude and illogical, but in her grief she probably blurted out the first thing she could think to say (other than 'fluck you', of course).

Nothing you can do about it now, but in the future put youself in the other person's shoes.  Would you have really felt your comforted by your comment had someone said that to you while you watched your mother die?

I think the OP was putting herself in the woman's shoes.  It sounds like she was just trying to say "yeah, I know how painful this can be".  It's not like she said "yeah, remember that time you didn't give a shyt that my DD couldn't be there.  Yeah- it felt like THIS".  I think this society is getting REALLY sensitive about what people can say during a time like that.  We have to make sure everyone thinks their brand of grief is super special and that no one has ever felt that way before.  I can understand it being mean if you belittle someone else's grief... but we can't even try to make the person feel better by letting them know that they're not alone???  I just don't get it.

livinitup:

It's only a guess, but I bet she is often disagreeable and in more pain than anyone else.

I do find life quite amazing some time .... three years ago she disagreed bitterly (and bizarely) when you spoke of wishing that your mother would stabalize and hang-on for a few days to see her grandchild.  Now, when the situation is remarkably similar she finds herself wishing the exact same thing to the exact same person. Wishing what YOU wished. 

I know it is just a coincidence, but isn't the irony just wild?

I have to admit, I was struck by the irony. The other thing is that when she said the comment about it being better that my mom didn't hang on until DD could get there we were in the hall of the hospital after my mother had been dead for about an hour. My family was still in with her body.  

I kind of blocked it out (those whole days are a blur) but DH mentioned it when I told him about the conversation she and I had recently "She probably meant well, but that's really a comment to make if you were still wringing your hands about DD coming home days after your mom died, not when your mom's body is barely cold."

And the good news is that the granddaughters from Australia somehow managed to get here I will be picking them up at the airport tonight so at least that part of the drama is over and the family can have some peace that they are all together.  

imoan:

 It's not like she said "yeah, remember that time you didn't give a shyt that my DD couldn't be there.  Yeah- it felt like THIS". 

When I read it, that's exactly how I interpreted it.  My bet is that the other woman interpreted it that way too. 

"I really, really hope that my granddaughters can get here in time to say goodbye to their grandpa".

"Yeah.  When my mom died, my daughter didn't make it in time and my mom felt really awful about that.  It's hard".

I can't say that such "comfort" would make me feel better in that situation either.  A simple "yes, I hope so too" would have been more than sufficient.

gt:

I have to admit, I was struck by the irony. The other thing is that when she said the comment about it being better that my mom didn't hang on until DD could get there we were in the hall of the hospital after my mother had been dead for about an hour. My family was still in with her body.  

I realize that I'm alone, but I still don't see the maliciousness in her comment.  Your mother just died.  It was an incredibly sad time.  She knew that you were grieving.  She knew that you had wanted your daughter to make it in time to say goodbye and she didn't.  She said something that, while awkward, she thought would make you feel better and was better than standing there saying nothing.  Again, better than saying "Oh, what a shame that Cindy Lou didn't make it in time.".

Maybride2-  I don't think her inital comment was meant to be malicious, although telling someone that it is "as just as well" their loved one didn't try to hang on at a time when the grieving party would do anything for one more minute with them, may not the best timing but her heart was in the right place.

FWIW our recent convo went like this:

"I wish grand daughters could get here faster"'

"I know, when mom was sick and we were trying to get DD here dealing with the hospital and the travel logistics at the same time were a nightmare. Then explaining to mom that we were working on it while she wasn't sure what day it was made it so hard on everyone. I'm sorry you are going through it."   

But I'm off to the airport and only thinking good thoughts so leaving the negative feelings behind cause they aren;t doing me any good.  

Maybride2:

gt:

I have to admit, I was struck by the irony. The other thing is that when she said the comment about it being better that my mom didn't hang on until DD could get there we were in the hall of the hospital after my mother had been dead for about an hour. My family was still in with her body.  

I realize that I'm alone, but I still don't see the maliciousness in her comment.  Your mother just died.  It was an incredibly sad time.  She knew that you were grieving.  She knew that you had wanted your daughter to make it in time to say goodbye and she didn't.  She said something that, while awkward, she thought would make you feel better and was better than standing there saying nothing.  Again, better than saying "Oh, what a shame that Cindy Lou didn't make it in time.".

In both cases, I think the statements themselves were intended to be sympathetic/empathetic. However, given the state of mind of the recipients, they were not taken as such.

I think the friend meant well. I think the OP meant well. In themselves I don't think either statement were insensitive. But you never know how a person will take them. One person may find comfort, another might not. There is no one perfect thing that can be said to every grieving person. I don't think it's fair to vilify either the friend or the OP.

My friend’s grandpa died when she was young.  I guess everyone was praying he could hold on till she could say goodbye.  And he did.

She talks about it a lot when she has been drinking and is sad.  She is in the medical field and she can handle death.  She is ration about it most times—but she will honestly say, “Everyone tells me I should feel honored—he waited to say goodbye to me.  But he died right after I told him I was there—I killed him.” 

You never know what death will do to a small child’s mind.  Maybe when your friend told you it was for the best she was thinking of someone else’s experience and she really thought it was for the best.  I think my friend thinks it would have been better if her grandpa hadn’t “waited”.  Then again the grass is always greener on the other side. 

I was in the car on the way up when my aunt died.  My dad was driving and he got a call and just turned the car around (we needed to get funeral clothes).  I was wishing we had left a little earlier, but my mom said she “decided” to die before we got up there.  I guess my mom said “the kids are on the way” and she said “well then I better take a nap,” closed her eyes and was gone.  Thinking about my aunt, I can actually see her choosing that (if you are able to choose, I am not sure you can) because she would rather us remember her for the good times not what she was like towards the end.  And really, it is for the best because I do remember her playing games with us (she was a very fast runner) more so then her laying in bed sick.  I was there for one bad medical experience and that is welded into my mind as one of the first two memories of her (first is her running a race with us).  I am sure if I was with her in the hospital when she died that would be the first memory, and that is not what she would have wanted.

Your friend shouldn’t have snapped, but she was probably at a point where she could only care about her feelings. And in the heat of things, people often think their pain is the greatest.  The argument of how long you have known a family member is a very odd one, but I am sure in the .1 second it took her to spit it out it sounded like a logical thing.

In regards to your friend's comment when your mother died, some people just aren't very good at comforting words during those times. I have a wonderful friend who I never tell when one of my pets dies because she always mentions something horrible about them (i.e. "We just had to put my dog to sleep." Her: "Oh, he drooled ALL THE TIME! It was disgusting!"). She actually told me that she understood our classmate better when his brother committed suicide because SHE had a brother (who is alive and well) and I didn't have a brother (I have 2 sisters). I love her, but some of the things she says just floor me.

In regards to what she said with her DH in the hospital, I agree with your post title- people grieve differently, and I don't think I would hold it against her. (Obviously you aren't since you are picking up her grand daughters). You seem to be incredibly supportive- keep up the good work!