The Nest

I'd stop going with him on weekends, for starters.

Agree w/ kuus; if he's responsible for their property, he can be responsible for it--but that doesn't mean you have to get on the crazytrain, too.

Out of curiosity, how does he figure that HE is responsible for a property that his parents essentially choose to abandon for half the year?  They are clearly not without resources, so how is their house his problem? 

It probably goes without saying that I wouldn't marry or stay married to someone with this kind of co-dependency issue.

Wait a minute.  Are you the one who posted earlier this week or last week because your H is unemployed and refuses to seek work outside of his "career," which is in a dying industry?  You've got bigger problems than snowbird inlaws.

I don't know why he feels he is responsible,  I better ask him that question.  You are right his parents have $s and are in good shape to travel then they should be able to take care of there own property.

 

no  have not posted for some time.  I had thought we had fixed this problem back last August.  Luckly my H is employed and is being kept very busy fixing garage doors, he has even been working overtime!

I remember your earlier posts about this very same thing, and as I recall, we all told you to tell him enough and to quit going with him at all.

i would let him care for it alone.  you don't HAVE to do this.  it is unfair of his parents to load this on you both.

if he isn't willing to stand up to them, let him do it himeself.  it will probably result in giving your H something to think about -> he can have the responsibility and never see his wife....i think this might be the catalyst you need to start fixing this.

 

1.) Get a landscaping service.

2.) Have them set up a joint bank account with sufficient funds to handle emergencies while they are gone.  You should not be fronting a dime for their home's maintenance.

Honestly, you aren't going to change your DH's mind about his responsibility toward his parents, no matter what any of us type.  You married him.  You married this situation.  So figure out how to make it as painless as possible.  Hire someone else to mow the grass and blow the leaves.  Tell DH that you aren't going to have ANYTHING to do with the maintenance of that house.  No phone calls to repair men, no waiting for the cable guy, NOTHING.    

You can't change it so make it more palatable. 

I already told him I am done helping that I can't handle the added stress.  It is going to be hard but maybe it will wake him up.

DaringMiss:

1.) Get a landscaping service.

2.) Have them set up a joint bank account with sufficient funds to handle emergencies while they are gone.  You should not be fronting a dime for their home's maintenance.

You can't change it so make it more palatable. 

i think you must have missed the part where her H has no problem with this situation.

how do you suggest she get all this rolling if her H isn't on the same page?  like, how is she going to go about this?  call his parnets and tell them to set up a joint account?

lol - how about some suggestions that are actually, i don't know, possible?

 

We check into a lawn crew.  $500 a week at least that would be the cost now with all the leaves.  I know we don't have that exta cash lying around and why would the IL pay that when they have son to do it for free!

 They do have an account that they can transfer $ into for bills like property taxes everything else this year they are taking care of online so at least we don't have bill paying again this year.

I would mind the work if we got compensated but we don't or they give us 100 bucks when they get home but that doesn't even cover the gas to get us back and forth.  They had mentioned paying us this year but we have not seen anything and how do you ask IL for $s when all you hear is they can't afford to fix the stuff that has already happened or is happening.

I remember that you posted about this exact situation months ago. Did anyone's suggestions work back then?

They did work when the IL where here.  We actually only spent a couple days at their place all summer and it was great.  We did a ton of stuff on our house and got to go play on the weekends.  So I can get him to back off when his parents are home.  I have even heard him tell them that he doesn't live there anymore when they start laying the guilt trip on him about how much stuff there is to do. 

Okay, isn't this -- like -- your 9000th post on this very same topic?  Has something changed in the last 6 months that you think you'll get different advice this time around?  Because reading your post, it sounds like "same shiit different day" to me.

You have talked to your husband about this and he does not agree with you.  In his world you and your wishes/desires/happiness are a DISTANT second to Mommy and Daddy's. 

You have 3 choices: either you need to learn to accept this situation... OR... you need to get yourself and your DH to couple's counseling... OR... you need to leave this guy.

That's it!  That's all anyone can tell you.

My husband and I live in the same time as my parents and his mother. We own our own home and also a rental property.

My parents are 70, retired and fit. They seldom need help with anything unless it's something that Dad needs a hand lifting. (although it's only a matter of time before their property becomes too much for them)

MIL works full time and is 64. We started out helping her do stuff like paint her lounge and hauling away garden rubbish.

Me and DH had a big talk about how it is not our responsibility to maintain anyone elses property for them. If they can't physically or financially maintain their home then they need to move. I also felt like MIL would make "requests" for our help that were really demands that we drop everything and spend a weekend doing her chores on her timeline.

 I pointed out that as both sets of parents age and as we have children the jobs will increase and our time will become more precious.

We have an agreement now that we will only do things that suit our schedule. And one off jobs like helping put shelves up, or moving furniture around. We do not want to set ourselves up as the janitors of anyone elses home on an ongoing basis.

 It's nice that your DH wants to care for his parents but where do you fit into this?

Why are you obligated to help him look after the property? If he's so keen to do it, why can't he go on his own?

Good luck. 

I, too, remember you.

 "My IL snow bird about 7 months out of the year.  We got married last May and they didn't adjust well and we just kind of let things slide last year knowing that they were adjusting to their oldest son getting married (he still lived at home).  We take care of their house and property why they are in AZ.  They got home last weekend and are having a fit because we are not living with them in their house.  I had my own home before I got married and we live there when they are home and when they are not home we split our time between the two houses (which is a pain in the ass).  For the last week my hubby and I are at odds and fighting like crazy about his parents.  How do we get them to realize that we are married and don't need to be with them 24/7.  They never adjusted to their son being married and now it is drivng me nuts, plus they still want him to do all their yard and house repairs like he was still living at home. Help!"                  

 

IF this is a cultural issue, bad news.

If this is not a cultural issue, bad news, too.

He is indeed prioritizing his parents' requirements before yours -- I'd tell him point blank that they can indeed find a landscaper to take care of things -- or you will send his ass home to live with them for good.

My mom says I need to give him an ulitmatum of his parents or me but I don't want him to completely cut himself off from them I just want him to not be responsible for them or their stuff.

Your mother is a wise woman: heed her advice.

Now I remember who you are -- you got the same advice back then and you didn't listen...what more do you want us to tell you?

 

I would insist they set-up a joint account and give you access to funds to pay for THEIR house, even if you have to go through their accountant.

I would make an expense report of mileage (based on the current federal rate of .55 a mile) include receipts for anything you put out and make them reimburse you THAT amount on a monthly basis.

It will STILL be cheaper than a service, which is what they should do.  They could get an apartment and sell the house, their choosing to keep it is not your problem.

If my DH acted this way he wouldn't have become my DH.

tas1883:

I already told him I am done helping that I can't handle the added stress.  It is going to be hard but maybe it will wake him up.

 

So you've told him...but have done nothing to back this up?  right now it's just toothless threats?

Yeeeah, until your ACTIONS start backing that up, nothing will change.