The Nest

Yeah I can see how that would make you mad. Is there a reason for the date change? like a cheaper deal or catching up with someone who will only be in Colorado before Christmas?

Where was FI going to be for Christmas day before the change? With your family or at his family home? Or were you planning a Christmas meal at home just the two of you and then visiting the parents together?

If I know the answer to the above I might have a different range of thoughts.

But as it stands, could FI come home early so you both get Christmas together with your families and the two of you could have new years and his birthday together at home?

Have you guys talked about Christmas and holidays down the track? Will you travel home every year? Have your own traditions away from family? etc etc 

It kind of sounds like they don't really care if you're there or not (and I'm not saying they are wrong to feel this way) and it also seems like FI is picking them over you. I'm not saying he should have Christmas with your family over his own. But you guys had plans and the in-laws have changed them at fairly short notice and he is just agreeing with their change not standing up for you. 

At the same time I don't really see the big deal about you being in the apartment by yourself. Yes 4 weeks is a long time but hardly the end of the world. 

1)  If seeing you on Christmas was important to your fiance, he would be doing something about it.

2)  You can't really fault him for wanting to spend Christmas with his relatives when you are not willing to give up spending Christmas with his.

3)  His parents are not required to alter their travel schedule to suit you.  It would be nice, but not required.  They don't want to do it, and this trip is more important to your FI than staying home in your apt.  For whatever reason.

In short, your fight is not with your inlaws, its with your fiance.

Okay, to answer your questions: The reason for date change was originally told to me as a work schedule conflict for MIL & FIL, however, it has recently surfaced that the real reason is FIL wants to spend Christmas with his family, which he hasn't done in a while.

I totally understand that, but why get my hopes up & change the date to after Christmas, get me all geared up to go (including turning down clients & photo shoots for this trip!) and then change it back this late in the game?

Secondly, they are thoroughly upset with me for not going. They do not see any reason why I should stay here, because I "told them I'd go already" even though my intentions were clear all along & I only agreed to go after Christmas.

And the second question: Before the change, we were going to spend Christmas with both families here in town (both families live here, except for FIL's parents & siblings), and have our little celebration in our apartment. We have a tree & all the decorations for it....

 In the future, we plan to come back home & visit both families. Everyone is ok with that, but if IL's decide to go to CO again, I'm not sure how we're gonna handle it. This is a rare thing.

There's no way for FI to leave late or come home early, because it's an RV trip, and it takes 2 days to drive there. He won't even have a car, and I can't really ask him to drive back home for 2 days alone just to see me on his birthday....

I am not asking him to stay home, but I know he would feel guilty going. And I know he would really miss me. And that, in turn, makes ME feel guilty for not going. I know they don't have to change their plans just for me, but they tricked me into signing up for this trip & then got mad when I backed out because they changed the dates.

And a little background info:

FI's parents have been strict & overbearing to him his whole life, and we're both the first born in our families, which comes with a lot of pressure not to "disappoint" mom & dad. I totally empathize with him, but at the same time I feel like he needs to learn to think independently, and I'm afraid that he wants to stay home w/me but is afraid to say no to them.....I'm terribly confused.

They are pressuring us to let them buy us a house when we move for med school, in which we'd pay all the bills, but they would own, sell, & profit (if it appreciates) from it. Being an indepenendently minded person, I was not comfortable with this at all. We fought for days about it, and finally decided to respectfully decline their offer.

But then this decision happened right after we told them, which makes me think it was just a little spiteful. They keep doing these kinds of things, over & over again, everyday its something else. I know they must be having a difficult time adjusting to their son getting married & moving away, but their adjustment process/attempts to stay in control of his life are beginning to be at the expense of our relationship because we are now constantly fighting about them! We both know they are coming between us, and FI promises to have a talk with them about boundaries, but he doesn't want to fuel the fire by dissing them for Christmas.

And FYI, I have lost business (new clients/photo shoots) because I was planning on going on this trip. I asked politely if they could just leave 1 or 2 days later, I've offered to fly there later, I've made every effort I can think of to go on this trip because I want them to know they are important to me, and since they've turned down everything I tried, I feel like I've been slighted.

Do you have reason to think they don't like you? If not then just chalk it up as adults making plans that suit them and not having to care about you and your plans.

They are entitled to make their holiday plans.

How your FI chooses to engage with those plans is up to him. If you don't like the choice he makes then that is between you and FI.

I do think it's a bit rough that they agreed to one set of plans and now have changed them, but that's life. Move on.

Maybe they would like a last family vacation with their son before he's married. 

 

You want what you want; they want what they want; your fi wants what he wants. You and fi's wants don't coincide; fi's and theirs do. Wave bye bye; let them all have a nice holiday together; you and fi have your Xmas in Jan. when presumably the two of you will have each other all to yourselves for months on end with neither of your families in sight. Heck, exchange your gifts then, and get him great sfuff at the after Xmas sales.

Xmas is a day on the calendar; spending that 24 hour rotation of the earth on its axis with people you love is not the worst thing that could happen to you, even if you've got to put off the celebration a bit with your fi. There will be plenty of memorable Xmases to come, I swear.

 

mikeandnat:

On one hand, I think FI should stand up for me

Oh, pumpkin. That's never, ever going to happen. Remember, saying "I do" to a momma's boy is the same as saying "I'm okay with coming in last to H's mommy and daddy!" and you lose the right to complain about it after the wedding.

Ditto everyone, but especially Ziti in light of your last post.  He has no backbone, never has and never will.  Why you're continuing to put up with him is beyond me.  I would have cut bait when mommy dearest decided that he wasn't allowed to be with me on my birthday and he actually agreed. 

You do realize that he's choosing to put them first, right?  You get that?  Because it's pretty obvious to all of us.  If you go forward with this wedding (and you will), you will never come first.  You will never get a say in your own life.  His parents will do all of your thinking for you.  If that's not what you want, get out now.  If you're complacent and so in luuurrrvvveee that you think it will all get better one day, you've got no room to be complaining.  You're making your bed, get ready to lay in it. 

This is going to sound b*tchy, but it's not surprising to me that you and your FI have been together since middle school. Because you're both still acting like middle schoolers. Sure, it's frustrating that his family decided they want to spend Christmas with their relatives, but wait--you're making the exact same choice, and so is your FI. You all want to be with your families, but you're throwing a little fit that you and your FI aren't going to be together.

Guess what? DH and I didn't spend a single Christmas together until after we got married. We also spend 4 of the 6 weeks before our wedding apart because of work. Grown ups deal with this sort of thing. Then again, it sounds like you're not marrying a grown up, you're marrying a guy who's family is highly involved and pushy (based on your last post) which he has no problems with. You're not going to take this advice, but I'd say you would both benefit from postponing the wedding, moving 12 hours away, and seeing if he grows up. 

omg how old are you 2? this sounds like a hs group trying to make plans.

this was my favorite part... I offered to buy a plane ticket & fly there on the 26th, but NO ONE will pick me up from the airport because it's a 3 hour drive from the town they're in. FI would rent a car & pick me up, but he's not used to driving in the mountains & snow, and he doesn't know his way around, so I don't want him to feel forced into a dangerous situation.

R U kiddng me? So, he is going from mommy to momma...

He doesnt seem all that concerned that you wont be spending time together for the holidays. If he was HE'D figure something out, but his mommy said he had to go...

good luck with this one!

kimnelson09:

You do realize that he's choosing to put them first, right?  You get that?  Because it's pretty obvious to all of us.  If you go forward with this wedding (and you will), you will never come first.  You will never get a say in your own life.  His parents will do all of your thinking for you.  If that's not what you want, get out now.  If you're complacent and so in luuurrrvvveee that you think it will all get better one day, you've got no room to be complaining.  You're making your bed, get ready to lay in it. 

Ditto this 100%.  I remember your other post about the house.  While your FI is on your "side" on that, and you explained about some ways that he is standing up for you- this is blatantly an example of how his parents will always come before you.

It's fine for him to want to spend the holidays w/ them. But 1- does he not want to spend it w/ you?  Why are you less important than them? and 2- THEY CHANGED THE PLANS.  In doing so, THEYshould be the ones to deal w/ not having things go exactly as they watn.

BUT- 1- your FI is afraid to say "no" to them, and 2- he probably would rather spend the holiday w/ them than w/ you.

This is the life you are signing up for.  Realize it and start getting ready to accept it.  Because he really is NOT going to miracuously change once you get married. 

Honey, you might want to take a deep breath and re-evaluate your engagement.

Your soon to be In-laws are way too involved in your life.    I just remembered that you are the poster whose in-laws wanted to buy you guys a house while your DH was in medical school.   

I think you should postpone the wedding by a year. With graduation, moving to a next town and starting med school, there are going to be a lot of changes involved and given how this one small holiday is going, I think it would be good for you to see how things will change before saying I do.

Sue_sue:

You want what you want; they want what they want; your fi wants what he wants. You and fi's wants don't coincide; fi's and theirs do. Wave bye bye; let them all have a nice holiday together; you and fi have your Xmas in Jan. when presumably the two of you will have each other all to yourselves for months on end with neither of your families in sight. Heck, exchange your gifts then, and get him great sfuff at the after Xmas sales.

Xmas is a day on the calendar; spending that 24 hour rotation of the earth on its axis with people you love is not the worst thing that could happen to you, even if you've got to put off the celebration a bit with your fi. There will be plenty of memorable Xmases to come, I swear.

 

I agree with Sue-sue here.  I have never understood the huge drama that takes place around the holidays.  If you can't go, you can't go.  That's it.  Celebrate Christmas with your FI after.    The holidays are a big deal in my family.  They are so much fun and we have a lot of nice traditions, but it is not possible for us to spend every holiday with every family member.   Some years it is just not possible for everyone to be together.  Time for everyone to grow up and move on.

Considering just this Christmas thing, you guys are all right. I think I may have blown this a little out of proportion because I'm just really stressed out right now, and this was the icing on the cake.

But considering everything else they are doing (and have done), FI knows they are crazy and overbearing. Everyone in the family knows, because MIL is that way with all of them. She's pushy and intrusive, and everyone jokes about it & calls her "the boss." At family gatherings, she tells everyone who's house it's going to be held at, what restaurant they're going to, who brings what, etc...Last Easter she even told everyone where to sit at the table! FI and SIL both know she's nuts,....but on the other hand, I can't really mouth off about his mom all the time, because after all---it's his mom. And although I know my parents have faults & can be embarrassing sometimes, I'd get a little defensive too if anyone  started talking about them.

DH and I have been a couple for 8 Christmases.  We spent one together in that time and it was hell.

His family travels for Christmas, and they have 4 members in their family.  I don't want to go with them, so I don't, DH does, and he goes, I go home to my parents and we're both perfectly happy.  

We meet up on the 27th every year and take a trip together for the week of New Year's.

Your FI doesn't care if he's with you, you need to decide if you're okay with that, if you're not, take it up with your FI, and solve it together.

 

mikeandnat:

Considering just this Christmas thing, you guys are all right. I think I may have blown this a little out of proportion because I'm just really stressed out right now, and this was the icing on the cake.

But considering everything else they are doing (and have done), FI knows they are crazy and overbearing. Everyone in the family knows, because MIL is that way with all of them. She's pushy and intrusive, and everyone jokes about it & calls her "the boss." At family gatherings, she tells everyone who's house it's going to be held at, what restaurant they're going to, who brings what, etc...Last Easter she even told everyone where to sit at the table! FI and SIL both know she's nuts,....but on the other hand, I can't really mouth off about his mom all the time, because after all---it's his mom. And although I know my parents have faults & can be embarrassing sometimes, I'd get a little defensive too if anyone  started talking about them.

Oh honey this is going to be so much worse once you have kids.  You think she is overbearing now, just wait till she is a grandma.  Do you mind her seeing your hoo-haa while you piss and poop all over yourself?  Well yeah better accept it because she sounds like the kind of woman who will force her way into the delivery room.  She will also have a say in what you name your child, how your child is raised, oh and where your child spends the holidays. 

It would help if you were marrying a man who stands up to her but that doesn't sound like the case.  

Here's another angle you might not have considered: Since you're only 21 and getting married, I'm guessing that both sets of parents are financially contributing to the wedding. Well, when your fMIL is paying for stuff, she gets to be bossy. The same applies to the house situation. Your FI might know she's overbearing, but he obviously didn't see the problem with letting her pay for his house, knowing there would be strings attached. You can't take their money, and then complain that they're overbearing. 

mikeandnat:

Considering just this Christmas thing, you guys are all right. I think I may have blown this a little out of proportion because I'm just really stressed out right now, and this was the icing on the cake.

But considering everything else they are doing (and have done), FI knows they are crazy and overbearing. Everyone in the family knows, because MIL is that way with all of them. She's pushy and intrusive, and everyone jokes about it & calls her "the boss." At family gatherings, she tells everyone who's house it's going to be held at, what restaurant they're going to, who brings what, etc...Last Easter she even told everyone where to sit at the table! FI and SIL both know she's nuts,....but on the other hand, I can't really mouth off about his mom all the time, because after all---it's his mom. And although I know my parents have faults & can be embarrassing sometimes, I'd get a little defensive too if anyone  started talking about them.

As long as you dont expect ANY of those things to change EVER. You will be dealing with this your whole marriage, so, think about it. You dont just marry FI, you marry his whole dang family. I'm not sure what the whole point of the second paragraph is, other than to tell us how horrible you think FMIL is, which we can tell  (the but considering part- what are we considering? what you should do based on her horrible behavior?)

FI knows they are crazy and overbearing.

And's he's doing WHAT about it?

He's still choosing them over you for the holidays and he's still willing to go along w/ all of their BS, all the time (the house, the holidays, everything else)

KNOWING it's not normal means nothing unless he's actually willing to DO something about it.

Ugh.  First off decide if you both feel it's important for the two of you to be together.  Then just decide who's place you want to be at.  Honestly, I think you should go to CO since your FI probably doesn't get to see his ext. family all that often.  What if these were your relatives in CO?  Wouldn't you want to see them since you don't get to see them very often?  Next time his family goes to CO, maybe just go see your family.

mikeandnat:

Considering just this Christmas thing, you guys are all right. I think I may have blown this a little out of proportion because I'm just really stressed out right now, and this was the icing on the cake.

But considering everything else they are doing (and have done), FI knows they are crazy and overbearing. Everyone in the family knows, because MIL is that way with all of them. She's pushy and intrusive, and everyone jokes about it & calls her "the boss." At family gatherings, she tells everyone who's house it's going to be held at, what restaurant they're going to, who brings what, etc...Last Easter she even told everyone where to sit at the table! FI and SIL both know she's nuts,....but on the other hand, I can't really mouth off about his mom all the time, because after all---it's his mom. And although I know my parents have faults & can be embarrassing sometimes, I'd get a little defensive too if anyone  started talking about them.

I dont think youve blown it out of proportion at all. You FI is choosing his family over you for Xmas AFTER they plans were already put in place. And he cant drive to the airport to pick  you up! no, i think you are actually ignoring the bigger issues!

FI KNOWS they are overbearing and pushy, yet he continues to let them regardless of the effect it has on you.

A lot of people tell people where to sit when they have a  lot of company or family over, i dont think that is weird or unusual at all.

I could not read all the responses.

I say this.  Your Future Inlaws were just making plans.  Trust me as adults get older, they start just making plans that work for them.  Your FI seemed not to be bothered, you are.  You are upset about being away from him.  He offered to pick you up at airport, you declined.

It seems the issue is really that you wanted things to happen in a very specific way, they didn't, that stinks (trust me that part I get), but then you have some vision of how the plan B should go.  Who do you want to pick you up from the airport?

Honestly, I think you let it go an enjoy being with your childhood family this year and let him enjoy being with his family.  The future has so many more holidays where you'll start new family traditions.

It's just not that big a deal . . .really.  If you really don't want to be apart, then let your FI rent the car and come get you. 

But considering everything else they are doing (and have done), FI knows they are crazy and overbearing. Everyone in the family knows, because MIL is that way with all of them. She's pushy and intrusive, and everyone jokes about it & calls her "the boss." At family gatherings, she tells everyone who's house it's going to be held at, what restaurant they're going to, who brings what, etc...Last Easter she even told everyone where to sit at the table! FI and SIL both know she's nuts,....but on the other hand, I can't really mouth off about his mom all the time, because after all---it's his mom. And although I know my parents have faults & can be embarrassing sometimes, I'd get a little defensive too if anyone  started talking about them.

THEN STOP_FUCKING COMPLAINING ABOUT IT!!!!

Just a thought... Why don't you and your FI drive up together the day after Christmas. If you've never driven in the snow.. drive slow and it will be a good lesson for the future when he has to come pick you and your baby up from the airport so you could spend Christmas with your family. From experience I would NOT miss this holiday with your family. You may never get to spend this time with them again without your own husband and children which is a whole different experience. IL's only get worse after you have children. Wait until you finally have a precious baby and your awesome MI is telling you where and how you will spend your first Christams with your baby. Good Luck.

About the baby thing, my mom is a nursery RN at the hospital, and we are coming back home before we have kids. So I know my mom will be there, and she is an expert at kicking people out of delivery rooms! lol. Also, another labor & delivery nurse there is a mutual friend of (of my mom's and MIL's) and she kicked MIL out of her sister's delivery! haha, so I know I'm good on that end. It's the rest of the parenting she'll be wacky about, and so far I've let FI handle his mom beccause he will usually stand up to her, but I know, as a mom I'd never let her f*** with my kid! I have also defended myself in the house situation against MIL when they cornered me about it w/out FI in the room.

If you think marriage is going to cure this family style of doing what's best for them and then expeting you to go along or get separated, you're mistaken.

I have a loving and close-nit family, too.  On both sides.  And parents do what THEY want to do.  Deal with it.  THIS year.  Deal with it and know that it will set the stage for how you deal with all of the demands, wants, stressors and conflicts of the holidays for years to come. 

So you think that your mom will be in the room when you're delivering and will kick your MIL out  And you think that your MIL will then go out the door, knowing that YOUR mother is in there, and your then-husband will just go with the program on this?

Do come back here and let us know how that one works out in a few years, okay?

Yeah, that's a good point.

Why don't the two of you just fly in together ... you know, as planned and convenient ... and then both drive rent a car and drive the 3 hours.  Somehow its a dangerous and trecherous drive?