What does your dh say? Honestly, inviting a troubled teenager into your home can be a huge clusterfukk. What kind of trouble has she been in?

First of all, what does your DH say?  She may be your sister but he gets a say when it involves his home and life.

Do you have the income to support her?  If she's in trouble do you have the means to provide her with help (counseling, drug rehab)?  Are you willing to set aside your life plans to care for her?

She is your sister, which counts for a lot, but do you really believe you can help her?  I don't know what's wrong with her but can you really care for her, realistically?

Fair share of touble?

ummm that sounds like a  HUGE understatement to me.

You dont get sent to a group home just for getting into a little trouble...

I get that she's your sister and that you'd hate to see anything bad happen to her.

But you really need to think about how taking her in is going to affect you, your marriage, and your future.  It could very well ruin your marriage and crap up your future. 

If your sister is truly this troubled, she likely needs more help than what you and your DH can offer her.  While a group home doesn't sound like a great option, is there a facility designed to help troubled teens (like a private school/bootcamp) around that you could send her to?  You could offer to help with the cost.

Honestly - I wouldn't accept the responsibility of being her guardian, not at this time.  I just don't foresee that arrangement having a happy ending, for anyone.

I think that if you bring this obviously troubled teenager into your home you need to wait until she moves out to start a family. She will require a lot of time and energy and will probably create a lot of stress in your life that you just don't need when caring for an infant.

If it were me, I don't think I could take her in.  I know it sounds heartless, but there are a few reasons I just don't think it is a good idea.  First, she is your sister and doesn't really view you as an authority figure.  I think that she will use that against you to get her way.  Second, you are newly married and need this time with your husband to bond and enjoy life as newlyweds.  Third, you want a baby and I assume you are preparing your lives for an infant.  You have ~9 years to make it happen, but if you bring her in you are cutting at least 3 years off of this time frame.  Finally, I don't think you really understand what you would be taking on, and don't know that you are totally prepared to do it.  You know she has problems, but I don't think you know the extent of her problems.  Especially as her mother (by your own admission) has totally checked out. 

It is unfortunate that she doesn't have parents, and I feel sorry for her.  If you do choose to bring her into your home I would understand, but I have some concerns about it.  If you decide to bring her in I think you need to find a couple support systems (support groups, therapy, etc).  Please try to talk to one of her counselors/case workers before accepting her into your home as well so you can better understand what her needs will be. 

Consider, too, that people who run group homes have training in how to manage kids in trouble; you don't. They can also compel her to go to therapy, schooling etc, using methods you cannot. While no one wants this, it might be a much better option for her long term recovery for her to go to a group facility, as opposed to you trying it out to see what you might or might not be able to do. Also, if she's in your home, she is your financial responsibility; do you two have that kind of money?  

I have worked with boys at this age who require residential placement. Some girls, too - but more as a preventative to placement.  So I have a few questions:

Would you be a kinship foster home or just custody?  B/c foster care would bring a good deal of services including monthly casework, law gaurdian, stipen (room/board) and medical insurance (medicaid).  There would be service in place to actively reach the goal of "return to parent".  Taking custody would give you more independence but little to no services and no finacial support and murky health isurance/coverage.  There would be no one assigned or interested in resolving the issues that cuased your sister to need this intervention and getting her back on her feet and reunited with a bio parent.

There is no way of knowing which is "better" for a troubled 15 year old.  Some group homes are wonderful, some are terrible.  Does your sister WANT to live with you? Would she respect your structure and consequences?  Would she continue to go to school, do chores, follow safe rules?  What would happen if she didn't?

From what I've seen, you could be an amazing advocate and resource while she is in a group home.  The BEST outcomes happended for children with a solid support system outside of the group home. 

Being in a structured environment with the ability to earn freedom like weekend visits and holiday visits - like to a sister's house.  You can be someone to show up and visit and engage in therapeutic services; someone to call and make sure she got good education and recreation - THAT is what she needs.  If you can provide really solid structure, follow through and maintain consequences and rewards - maybe you could take her in.  But if any of those things are better matched in a group home, you can still be a really important resource, a really important person in her life to get her on a better path.

This idea of your mom's to just "give up" is ridiculous.  I've seen it ALL the time.  But those children suffer terribly and have terrible outcomes.  Residential services cna only do so much.  !5 year olds need people to get involved and STAY really, really involved.

Are you and your husband truly up for taking on the responsibility for a troubled 15-year-old?  If the answer is no (it would be for me), you shouldn't feel badly.  It's okay to put your marriage first. 

It doesn't sound like you want to be your sister's keeper.  And I doubt your dh would be up for it, unless he's a saint.

She is your mother's responsibility, not yours.  I suspect this would put a huge strain on your marriage that you would regret.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to give words of advice.  We have talked about it, a lot, also my new family is super supportive (his parents especially) Her background of trouble while at home with my mom is drug use, alcohol, and she has ran away.  This is her 4th time in juvi hall.  We have requested a transfer to a continuation school in our town, also she has her counciling 2x per week.  I am on good terms with her probation officer and she has been very helpful.  My husband is supportive and we have great communication.  We have laid out all of the ground rules and probation requested to push her court date out 4weeks.  So basically this is a trial period for all of us.  If we decide or if she doesn't use this time to straighten up then her next step is the group home.  She will be temporarily placed with us for these four weeks, after that we would become her foster parents (if it works out)  They wouldn't be able to get any money from my mother, but I have just learned that she is recieving child support for my sister which I will for sure go after if this becomes permanent.  I know that most would say no, and I would agree but I really understand what it feels like to be in that situation raised by our mother, I am shocked I made it.  Now I feel that I am all she has, and as far as family she is all I have left.  I don't wanna give up on her and at the same time I really am scared to fail her.  

Thanks again  

Talk to your DH first.  Then talk to your sister and see if she is willing to work with you.  I wouldn't want to send her to a group home if she were my sis but if she was going to be out of control for me I might consider it.

THe same thing happened in our family, but we had all same dad.  The sister that was trouble maker was sent to live with another sister of mine.  She just kept doing all the bad behaviours and made my other sister a nervous wreck.  So she had to have police take her away.  She then went to live with my Father in another country, she continued doing bad crap, but my dad was able to convince her to at least go to college.  She was sent to college and we had very little to no contact with her for a year.  She turned her life around slowly on her own, but I have never forgiven her.  She is like best friends with my mom again, but it was very hard and a long haul.

My suggestion is have her go to group home.  You will not be able to supervise her properly or give her the structure or therapy she needs.  Plus the group home might scare her straight.

jaysears:

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to give words of advice.  We have talked about it, a lot, also my new family is super supportive (his parents especially) Her background of trouble while at home with my mom is drug use, alcohol, and she has ran away.  This is her 4th time in juvi hall.  We have requested a transfer to a continuation school in our town, also she has her counciling 2x per week.  I am on good terms with her probation officer and she has been very helpful.  My husband is supportive and we have great communication.  We have laid out all of the ground rules and probation requested to push her court date out 4weeks.  So basically this is a trial period for all of us.  If we decide or if she doesn't use this time to straighten up then her next step is the group home.  She will be temporarily placed with us for these four weeks, after that we would become her foster parents (if it works out)  They wouldn't be able to get any money from my mother, but I have just learned that she is recieving child support for my sister which I will for sure go after if this becomes permanent.  I know that most would say no, and I would agree but I really understand what it feels like to be in that situation raised by our mother, I am shocked I made it.  Now I feel that I am all she has, and as far as family she is all I have left.  I don't wanna give up on her and at the same time I really am scared to fail her.  

Thanks again  

This sounds like a pretty good plan.  You'd be a foster home or she is placed in a group home.  You have a 4-week plan in place to see which way she wants it to go.  And services throughout.

I wonder, if she needed the group home, would her goal be 'return to sister' or your mother or someone else?  Obviously, the goal for group homes is to stabalize, improve and not need that level of care.  I'm just wondering.

And if you were her foster parents, would the goal be 'return to parent' or 'independent living'?  Would she be with you until her and your mother's behaviors improve enough to reunite.  Or do you see this as a her being in foster care and your home until she is 18 (or 21)?  Just curious. 

My sister said that a group home is the last place she wants to be, while she has been in and out of juvi hall, she has seen kids put there and they end up running away and back locked up.  She said a group home is worse than juvi and in the begining it was the 1st idea I thought about.  The more I talked with probation dept, and others in the system they all said that she most likely would end up out of the area.  That would make it difficult for me to be a part of her life.  Ideally we would hope that she could get back on track and get at least a job.  As far as going back with our mother, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  I am glad to have this time with her, she is going to have to decide if she wants to change.  Our house will be a no tolerance zone.  If we find out she is up to her old tricks, that's it.  I have just finished going through all of the stuff that was brought from my mothers house just to make sure I know what is in her room and what she is starting out with.  I have set up our guest room, and hopefully sunday she can get settled because next week she has school 9-5.  I did find something that surprised me but only a little.  I found condoms and birth control, she just turned 15 a few months ago, and I am glad that she is thinking of those things, yet I am not looking forward to that kind of business.  wish me luck! 

Much good luck.

I can totally understand what you are saying, and of course it will be difficult but I hope that you can take in your sisiter. I am a Children's Social Worker and whenever a child can not stay with their parents we of course search for any other relative caregivers. Its horrible when no wants or can take them in. Sometimes we are forced to put kids in Group Homes and I can honeslty say that MOST of the children I have been made to put in a Group Home have only increased their bad behavior. You are talking about 4-8 teens in a home (depending on the level) and they are not watcvhed as closely as they would be by a parent.

 Its very likely that your baby sister will eventually end up pregnant or in jail at a young age if she goes into one. I see it everyday! Of course you need to talk to your DH before making the decision. But I know for me personally if it were my sis and she would have to go to a GH if I didn't take her I would not have a second thought about it and I would expect my Hubby to understand.

thank you so much, we have had our 1st day with her and she seems to be responding well to us.  I saw her face light up like I haven't in over 2 years.  We laid out the ground rules from the begining and are keeping the communication and encouragement big priorities on our side of the list. Also I made some coupons for rewards.  Fun things she has mentioned she wanted to do, like go for a hike, or learn guitar from my husband.  These will be things I can offer her. She switched schools and right now I have more time ( since I lost my full time job 2months ago) to dedicate to her as I am searching for a job.  I know that I will be able to understand her better than any home, especially since I have survived our mother and I hope to show her that good things are possible.  I did have a tough day today, feeling helpless, and so scared not having the income coming in, as I watch my savings go down to nothing.  I know that I will pull through somehow.  again I really thank you for the kind words as I feel sometimes I need a good ear.