Counseling. STAT.

What you did was wrong. I'm not going to say it wasn't. However, he has to recognize his part in the deconstruction of your marriage. Whatever his motivations were for working so much and being unavailable, he was not being a good partner. While seeking emotional validation from an outside party was wrong, it is the common response to emotional abandonment by your partner. While I am not excusing your behavior, you are not 100% to blame. You tried  to tell him you were hurting and he didn't listen.

Also, I'd bet dollars to donuts he (at least) has carried on inappropriate conversations with women. Random friend requests? Unjustified allegations of previous infidelity? Over defensiveness about his phone privacy and vague responses about his wherabouts during the day and on the weekends? From an outside opinion this is CLASSIC signs of someone who is cheating and then acts all almighty and righteous when the shoe is on the other foot.

If you have any reason for wanting to reconcile with him, you both need professional help. It sounds like he wasn't being a spectacular partner to begin with, but only you can judge if the relationship is worth repairing. A counselor can help each of you see the truth about each of your mistakes, and help you with the skills you will need to move on from this. Best of luck.  

Ok, iam throwing myself out there, because I can relate to your story. DH and I are not legally married, but 5 years ago, we had a really rocky patch. I went on a deployment, enjoyed the attention I was getting from other men, and I cheated 1 time. I hid that from him for 6 long months, and finally came clean when I got home. It really hurt him, and he didn't trust me for a very long time. I left myself open to him. I gave him all of my passwords to everything, let him check my phone wanted too, he checked my facebook, emails, texts, etc. For a while if we got into an argument he would throw it in my face, call me names, and then we started counseling. Counseling was the best thing we could have ever done. I was able to convey to him my feelings, why I did what I did, and he was able to convey to me how much it hurt him, and his feelings.

We never would have survived without couples counseling.

I sympathize with your feeling neglected, but even if your marriage was actually going to make it before, it's unlikely now. It's typical for cheaters to accuse others of cheating- I'm sure your husband has been unfaithful himself. The fact that you were afraid of what your DH would 'do to [you]' when he found out speaks volumes. 

If I were you, I would get individual counselling (not much point in marriage counselling, IMO) and figure out why you married a man who would treat you this way in the first place. Figure out why, instead of leaving or seeking help when the issues first appeared, you cheated. (I'm sure there were red flags when you were dating that were glossed over. Learn how to spot them.) Neither of you behaved as though you even like your mate, let alone love each other, so it's time to cut your losses. Especially if he's abusive! Do NOT stay for your children- children are happier with happy parents, and you both deserve your own happiness.

Stay single for a long time, and work on yourself. Don't fall into the easy habit of cheating again- it's cowardly and deceptive and doesn't help deal with your true issues. And don't depend on your friends to call you if you want companionship- you can pick up a phone too.

Good luck. 

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Just as PP have stated, I think counseling is the way to go.

Good luck.

Not judging whatsoever.

I truly believe that your DH has been unfaithful as well. You all need counseling ASAP for this marriage to work. A couple questions though: (1) is your DH willing to work on your marriage? (2) what is he willing to change to better your relationship?

What you did was wrong but you all need to get to the bottom of what CAUSED this.

GL. 

I agree that it sounds like your DH has cheated as well.

Couples counseling, but you also need individual counseling to work on your pre existing self esteem issues.

UleNvrNo:

Ok, so just by my title you can probably already guess where this is headed.
I'm not here seeking to hear what I've done to be justified, just here to see if anyone else has been there and any not so harsh judgmental advice is welcome.

Here's a lil back story ..... DH and I have been together a lil over 18yrs.
We have children. A set of multiples that are 2 yrs old.  We have recently moved to a new city and basically know NO ONE. (HOURS away from any family)

Anywho, right after kids were born I had a hard time settling into motherhood, he worked pretty much 12hrs + ..... kids had nursing issues, I always cried (not quite PPD) and had very littled offered help from family and oh, let's not forget the ever so lovely battle of getting use to my new body.  DH would barely touch me while I pregnant and the same after .... guess I may have grossed him out?
I got on the computer a few weeks after giving birth and saw that he was getting friend requests from different girls and had viewed a few of their pictures (no, I'm nothing like the young skinny blonde I saw)  I chalked it all up to being overly sensitive.

I finally got him to move out of his families owned home we had rented and we moved a little ways away from all family.  I was elated to be somewhere new.  Took the kids out, tried to meet new parents .... even joined a local parents group, total bust.  Never saw the same person twice, building any friendships was seeming impossible.  DH's 12 hours now turned into 15 hrs or so.  So that left me home with toddlers, poopy diapers, house work and alone.  Occasionally I'd get a call from a friend or two and was happy to finally have a adult conversation!!!!!  Calls were few and far in between ..... so on down time, I began to play internet games (yes, I still did house work and gave attention to the kids) but I had met someone in a chat room ...... we were in similar situations, his GF was never home and he was always left caring for their DD. 

Finally I enjoyed some attention, hearing how I was probably a great wife and mother (things I rarely heard from DH) this went on for a few weeks, as DH would come home in time to help put the kids to bed and have dinner and chat with me for a few and then would go to bed.

I'm not saying I was right in what I did,I felt insanely guilty but was addicted to the feelings I was getting, the "high" so to say.   But the feelings of being emotionally and physically undesired by him where over whelming as well.  I did try to bring it up to him several times.  Things would be great for a week or so and then back to the dumps again.  So long story (sorry) short, DH found my phone in the bathroom after a shower and went through it and pretty much found out I was "talking" to someone and went ballistic ( as he had every right to) at the moment I was oddly relived as well as fearful of what he might do to me. 

I told him WHY I done what I did ..... I know that it was wrong and I should have approached my problem differently. He then said I was trying to pin this on him and no way was he responsible for anything and that I cheated and tainted our marriage.

So NOW, I barely touch the computer. I never touch it when he's home. But anytime I pick up the cell phone he gives me this evil eye.  I've talked to him about it an how it makes me feel. He says it's because he doesn't trust me.  (back tracking ..... he use to accuse me all the time of being unfaithful, though I never was, only because I use to go out with a few college pals **girls only** on Friday nights after work) He say's he can't believe anything that comes out of my mouth anymore and that hurts so much.  I know I was so wrong and it will take time for him to "heal" from my ultimate, but every so often if we DO try to talk and spend time with each other, he throws it in my face.  But I am NEVER to question why he is on his phone so much or where he goes after work every weekend, because if I ever did (even before this happened) or still do ... he blows up.  Either throwing what I've done in my face or making hurtful comments.

I want this to work, I really do.  And if I could take back what I've done, I would, I really would!!!!!

But where do I go from here?  Did I ruin my marriage for good?  Is there any coming back? Counseling? 

Congratulations on cheating! You should be very proud of yourself! 

kibskix:

Talking to another human who tells you you're probably a good wife and mother when you are lonely and far from friends IS NOT CHEATING. Unless I missed an important passage in there somewhere (which is possible, I do need coffee!) That is not cheating. Hell, thats hardly what people call "emotional" cheating. What are you leaving out? I mean were you flirting, were you planning on meeting? Were you speaking romantically?

I agree with counseling. It sounds like there isn't honest communication on either side with you guys, and having a mediator in a safe place to lay it all out on the table will do wonders.

ldmessing:

kibskix:

Talking to another human who tells you you're probably a good wife and mother when you are lonely and far from friends IS NOT CHEATING. Unless I missed an important passage in there somewhere (which is possible, I do need coffee!) That is not cheating. Hell, thats hardly what people call "emotional" cheating. What are you leaving out? I mean were you flirting, were you planning on meeting? Were you speaking romantically?

I agree with counseling. It sounds like there isn't honest communication on either side with you guys, and having a mediator in a safe place to lay it all out on the table will do wonders.

yes, what are you leaving out?  I don't see what you posted as cheating either

Likewise, I don't see where the cheating is.  Having a friendship with a man is not cheating in and of itself.  Your husband sounds very controlling.  

Regardless of whose fault any of this is, this marriage isn't working.  It's high time to fix it or leave.  

sillygoosegirl:

ldmessing:

kibskix:

Talking to another human who tells you you're probably a good wife and mother when you are lonely and far from friends IS NOT CHEATING. Unless I missed an important passage in there somewhere (which is possible, I do need coffee!) That is not cheating. Hell, thats hardly what people call "emotional" cheating. What are you leaving out? I mean were you flirting, were you planning on meeting? Were you speaking romantically?

I agree with counseling. It sounds like there isn't honest communication on either side with you guys, and having a mediator in a safe place to lay it all out on the table will do wonders.

yes, what are you leaving out?  I don't see what you posted as cheating either

Likewise, I don't see where the cheating is.  Having a friendship with a man is not cheating in and of itself.  Your husband sounds very controlling.  

Regardless of whose fault any of this is, this marriage isn't working.  It's high time to fix it or leave.  

Agree, agree, agree!

Even if you flirted an ity bity bit ( no sex talk or talk of meeting up whatsoever) it's far from what he's done to you. My guess is he is calling you a cheater because he is the cheater. Heck for a good relationship to work you can't hold stuff over the others head. Then delight (I'm sure he does) in shoving it in your face what a horrible person you are for talking to a guy. 

Heck, if talking to my guy friends and them complimenting me was cheating I must be a slut! 

Get yourself to individual counseling. If you want do couples counseling too.  

erollis:

sillygoosegirl:

ldmessing:

kibskix:

Talking to another human who tells you you're probably a good wife and mother when you are lonely and far from friends IS NOT CHEATING. Unless I missed an important passage in there somewhere (which is possible, I do need coffee!) That is not cheating. Hell, thats hardly what people call "emotional" cheating. What are you leaving out? I mean were you flirting, were you planning on meeting? Were you speaking romantically?

I agree with counseling. It sounds like there isn't honest communication on either side with you guys, and having a mediator in a safe place to lay it all out on the table will do wonders.

yes, what are you leaving out?  I don't see what you posted as cheating either

Likewise, I don't see where the cheating is.  Having a friendship with a man is not cheating in and of itself.  Your husband sounds very controlling.  

Regardless of whose fault any of this is, this marriage isn't working.  It's high time to fix it or leave.  

Agree, agree, agree!

Even if you flirted an ity bity bit ( no sex talk or talk of meeting up whatsoever) it's far from what he's done to you. My guess is he is calling you a cheater because he is the cheater. Heck for a good relationship to work you can't hold stuff over the others head. Then delight (I'm sure he does) in shoving it in your face what a horrible person you are for talking to a guy. 

Heck, if talking to my guy friends and them complimenting me was cheating I must be a slut! 

Get yourself to individual counseling. If you want do couples counseling too.  

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought all this!  I completely agree...I do not read anything that would be cheating IMO.  If you talked about meeting or had intense sexual conversations, then I would say that is emotional cheating but I see nothing wrong with another man talking to you as a friend. 

Hands down, I completely agree with PP...I bet you that your husband is cheating on you.  He's took this little conversation you had with some other guy and blew it up to make you feel bad, like you were cheating and he is doing it the whole time.  My ex-husband did something similar to me.  He tried fighting with me and blaming me for all kinds of crazy things to make me feel like a bad wife and in the end he was cheating on me the whole time with his coworker.  Your husband sounds like he is up to no good and sounds very controlling as well. 

Best of luck to you. 

ToneGirl:

erollis:

sillygoosegirl:

ldmessing:

kibskix:

Talking to another human who tells you you're probably a good wife and mother when you are lonely and far from friends IS NOT CHEATING. Unless I missed an important passage in there somewhere (which is possible, I do need coffee!) That is not cheating. Hell, thats hardly what people call "emotional" cheating. What are you leaving out? I mean were you flirting, were you planning on meeting? Were you speaking romantically?

I agree with counseling. It sounds like there isn't honest communication on either side with you guys, and having a mediator in a safe place to lay it all out on the table will do wonders.

yes, what are you leaving out?  I don't see what you posted as cheating either

Likewise, I don't see where the cheating is.  Having a friendship with a man is not cheating in and of itself.  Your husband sounds very controlling.  

Regardless of whose fault any of this is, this marriage isn't working.  It's high time to fix it or leave.  

Agree, agree, agree!

Even if you flirted an ity bity bit ( no sex talk or talk of meeting up whatsoever) it's far from what he's done to you. My guess is he is calling you a cheater because he is the cheater. Heck for a good relationship to work you can't hold stuff over the others head. Then delight (I'm sure he does) in shoving it in your face what a horrible person you are for talking to a guy. 

Heck, if talking to my guy friends and them complimenting me was cheating I must be a slut! 

Get yourself to individual counseling. If you want do couples counseling too.  

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought all this!  I completely agree...I do not read anything that would be cheating IMO.  If you talked about meeting or had intense sexual conversations, then I would say that is emotional cheating but I see nothing wrong with another man talking to you as a friend. 

Hands down, I completely agree with PP...I bet you that your husband is cheating on you.  He's took this little conversation you had with some other guy and blew it up to make you feel bad, like you were cheating and he is doing it the whole time.  My ex-husband did something similar to me.  He tried fighting with me and blaming me for all kinds of crazy things to make me feel like a bad wife and in the end he was cheating on me the whole time with his coworker.  Your husband sounds like he is up to no good and sounds very controlling as well. 

Best of luck to you. 

these are my thoughts exactly

Since OP said she cheated, I assumed P in V. I thought she 'yadda yadda'd the naughty parts. Wouldn't everyone know that chatting (even sexting) isn't cheating on that same level?

OP, where are you to clarify?

I think your Husband is using the text messages as an excuse to blame you for what is going on in your marriage.

I cant see where you have cheated on him!!! did you meet and have SEX?? that would be cheating!!

If you haven't slept with this man, there is nothing to throw back in your face, you have made a new friend and is giving you the support your husband should be giving,

Maybe asking for family help to look after the kids, so you and hubby can go out one weekend and talk away from the family home and see if you can sort this out, being in public and talking might stop him flying off the handle and listen..

If that works as family members to look after children once a month so you can make time for your husband.. go out for dinner, stay over night in an hotel, go see a movie.. start dating...

 Most of all dont forget to stay YOU... 

if you want your marriage to work, 1st step is to forgive yourself and if you didnt sleep with this other man... remind yourself you did nothing WRONG 

Ok so you did not say what the contents of your messages to this other man were or what you two engaged in, however you called it cheating and felt guilty about it so i am going to assume you were not talking about the weather and you had an emotional affair.  I don't agree with the pp's that this is not cheating, however I am going to agree that you are not the only one at fault here. 

What do you want from this relationship?  If you want to stay married to this man you need to be open, honest and forthcoming with your phone, etc.  However he has not been the same with you and you two need to decide whether you both want to move forward together. 

From this point it has sounded like your husband has not really wanted to participate for a while and instead of addressing this issue fully you chose to act passively and seek out someone outside you marriage.  This was not productive and you know it but you need to decide how you approach this from here on out because the problems with him have not changed.  If he is not willing to step up and think of your feelings then you need to move forward and know that you both deserve to be in a relationship in which you are both active participants. 

Unless you were having "dirty" conversations, I would just consider this to be a friendship that he didnt know about.  NOT CHEATING. 

And, furthermore, I think he is the one cheating.  Look up the top 10 signs that someone is cheating.  Being quick to accuse you of cheating is one of them.  Being out late after work with no explanation is another.  Working longer hours than normal is another.  Showing less affection is another.  Sorry, but the signs are pointing to him being the one who is unfaithful.  I would start looking into it.  See if you can have him followed after work or if you can intercept some texts or emails.  If he has a credit card or debit card, see if you can look at a statement to see where he is spending his money. 

I think your feelings are totally understandable.  If you arent getting the love and attention you need from your spouce, it is only a matter of time before you find it somewhere else....it is human nature. 

 Good luck!!!