Colorado Nesties

Re: Is it ironic to hold a pity party for being self-centered?

SoonToBloom — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:31:08 GMT

Oh girl. All I have to say is ditto to a lot of what other people have already told you.

On another note, I feel like I'm in the same boat with you regarding your family situation. I'm at my IL's right now and we take care of things very differently. They are not scheduled and are much more laid back concerning food, noise levels during napping and sleeping...the list goes on and on. They are wonderful people but we are very different in a lot of ways. It's frustrating and I feel my IBS flaring up after being here for 5 days. I might end up going into pre-labor if it continues.

Take care...you aren't self-centered at all.

Re: Is it ironic to hold a pity party for being self-centered?

picarona — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 15:58:42 GMT

goldenjes:
I think the fact that you're so worried about being self-centered probably means that you're not. I've known several truly narcissistic people, and they would never worry this much about it. If you're still concerned, ask DH to assist by stepping in if he's concerned about your behavior. I think you'll be just fine though.

This exactly. A person that was truly self-centered either wouldn't notice that someone (like your family) was put out by them, or they wouldn't care, because "they don't understand" or "it's harder for me" or <insert excuse here>.

You care, and nothing you've said sounds particularly self-centered to me. You've got a lot on your plate right now and it sounds like you're doing pretty darn well with all that.

that's a long way of saying ditto everything goldenjes said

Re: Is it ironic to hold a pity party for being self-centered?

goldenjes — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 15:34:38 GMT

I'm still sleepy, so hopefully this will make sense...

First, don't worry about the board. I think it's natural for people's level of involvement to fluctuate depending on life events & even daily schedules. If I don't have enough time in my day, I'll be off the board and trying to get another hour of sleep, or hanging out with the boys.

Second, everyone makes --and is responsible for--their own choices. You, your sister, the rest of your family. Your choice is to eat differently, and you are taking responsibility by stocking up on your food. They buy food that they choose to eat as well. It sounds like you've offered to share with them as well.

Third, naps are important for babies. All babies are different and some are not as naturally adaptable as others. I was a young mom with DS1 and the only one of my friends with a baby so he ended up going everywhere with me & sleeping whenever he got tired. I never worried much about naptimes, or schedules. DS2 didn't do well with that, so I needed to keep him on a schedule --for the both of us. He was a happier baby that way. DS3 came along and was really an easygoing baby so I reverted back to what I did with DS1. I had people that were critical of my parenting styles each way. Either I wasn't giving baby enough structured schedule, or I was letting him run the show. It's not their decision how to parent your child. You are doing what you need to do, and that's enough.

If any of your family doesn't like waiting for DS to wake up for a nap, they could go ahead and leave you to catch up later. They have the freedom to make those decisions for themselves.

Suggestion for you: I tend to forget sending cards as well. The only time I do well is when pre-buy a large package of mixed occasion cards and stamps and keep them handy. Then it only takes a minute to send. It might not be the 'perfect' card for that person, but at least it goes out.

I think the fact that you're so worried about being self-centered probably means that you're not. I've known several truly narcissistic people, and they would never worry this much about it. If you're still concerned, ask DH to assist by stepping in if he's concerned about your behavior. I think you'll be just fine though.

Re: Is it ironic to hold a pity party for being self-centered?

schoolsoutbride — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 15:19:23 GMT

I honestly think that our society expects women to be self-sacrificing and thus develop a guilt complex when they do anything for themselves. None of what you described sounds particularly self-centered to me. I don't think it's selfish to want to have a little "me" time or to go back to school if that's what you needed to do. Nor is it particularly weird to protect your child's naps (well, if it is, I'm weird too.) You're the one who has to deal with the nightmare of an overtired child.

It's the double shift, my dear. You're expected to work full time, be a mom and wife full time, and smile and look like June Cleaver doing it. Cut yourself a break! You've got a lot on your plate!

As for the board, who cares? You're undoubtedly the only one who notices or worries about it. It is what it is for you.

Re: Is it ironic to hold a pity party for being self-centered?

Noell — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 14:37:48 GMT

I'm gonna say "ditto" to most of what safy and Pam said (although I don't know you personally so I can't say exactly what Pam said)....call it being self-centered that that's all I have to say but personally I think you're probably the opposite of self-centered. Hang in there and go do something for yourself, be it a haircut, a pedicure or just eating a Twix bar in a locked bathroom or closet (which I think I'll go do now because quite frankly a Twix bar sounds damn good!). (((HUGS)))

Re: Is it ironic to hold a pity party for being self-centered?

pke16 — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 12:54:01 GMT

Over all of the years I've known you, self-centered is not a word/phrase I would have ever come up with to describe you. Ever. Freakishly smart. Extremely driven. Dedicated. Motivated. High achiever. Things like that pop into my mind. You worked your ass off for our team and did so much for the league at great expense to yourself. I don't think you can have a child and be self-centered. The child makes sure of that...it's so not about you any more. (One of the reasons I was scared to have a baby...I was sincerely scared I was too selfish to do it) It sounds like you described lifestyle differences between you and your family. If you were truly self-centered, you would expect them to shop for you and alter menus just for you and cater to you. You take the initiative and don't expect accomodation. Making sure your baby gets his nap...at this point, I'm going to call it self-preservation and looking out for the good of the entire family :) You're being a good mom by being an advocate for him, IMO. I'm pretty sure I remember you put your own needs (wants, desires) pretty far on a back burner in the past (didn't you go something like 2 years without a haircut...which you told me when I commented on how good your hair looked; totally jealous of your perfect natural curl).

I have to run (well...walk. We're doing a 4th of July 4K fun run/walk.), but I'll check in later. When we've had our differences, it certainly wasn't because I thought you were self-centered...rather, you're simply too smart and analytical!!! Which is what has made you so good at what you do. Cut yourself some slack...you're a good wife and mother and friend. I mean that...I really do. Now go get a pedicure. I've seen your feet.

Re: Is it ironic to hold a pity party for being self-centered?

choirgirl — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 07:54:27 GMT

You're right, and I just realized another thing from what you said.... The whole going back to school thing IS for me, even though it's ultimately to diversify my income for the family. So I'm feeling selfish about it no matter how much I needed it, and it's what is making me so overextended in my life. And I definitely don't mean "o woe is me I haven't had a pedicure," I mean it's not like even in my selfishness I'm doing any of that, I am looking really ragged lately. Anyway, thanks for reading, hope it helped get you sleepy for bed!

Re: Is it ironic to hold a pity party for being self-centered?

safy — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 07:09:51 GMT

Out of all that, I think this board is the least of your worries and concerns. You have a lot on your plate, and I can't say I blame you for going back to school for whatever reason it may be. If going back to school makes you happy then you actually ARE taking care of yourself. As a SAHM, I devote 99% of my day to my children. They are my job, and priority, however, I find that if I just push everything else aside once in a while and do something for me, even if it's something as silly as locking myself in the bathroom to enjoy a Twix bar without someone's grubby hands all over it or having to share, it puts me in a MUCH better mood and in turn, I'm happier and treat everyone else around me better too.

Is it ironic to hold a pity party for being self-centered?

choirgirl — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 06:29:25 GMT

Alanis totally screwed with my understanding of irony. Also, this is really long, I don't really expect anyone to read it.

I'm home visiting family. Things are awkward as always, and DH and I just had a long talk and I think it's because they see me as really self-centered. I've always had issues with food (since I was probably 18, I started keeping my own "healthier" food in the fridge when I visited, like bread with fiber, in season fruit and vegetables, hormone free milk and occasionally meat, etc. For health and for the environment), so this isn't new to them, they're used to it, and I've always offered them to have anything I bought, like cherries or plums, yogurt, whatever. Anyway, the food thing then is going on 20+ years. Now, it's probably about DS's morning naps. He is a bear if he doesn't get his morning nap on his schedule, has been that way ever since we figured that out around 4 months, and I do whatever I can to protect it. And I haven't been keen on waking him up from the middle of an afternoon nap to do something, so it's caused schedule conflict, since my sister has an 11 week old who isn't really on a schedule of any kind yet and will happily sit in her car seat and nap on and off (if DS is awake and strapped into anything, you can bet he's fussing). So we end up doing things on my schedule and we end up eating what I want to eat (though in my defense, I'm not sure that I can remember any time in the last 32 years that my sister has ever said anything other than "I don't care" when I've asked what she's in the mood to eat -- someone has to pick something!).

I'm positive I've done plenty other legitimate things, in retrospect, to cause them to think of me this way, and I hate it. Then, I started thinking about me in other aspects of my life, and I'm pretty sure that's the perception of me everywhere. I know DH thinks it was self-centered of me to go back to school because it made me so busy I didn't do anywhere near my share of planning on the house remodel because I was stretched so thin between work, school, and being pregnant (only symptom=veryvery tired), and it was, and the "excuse" that I had to do this or I would have imploded, that it saved my sanity, quite literally, isn't a good enough reason. I'm a terrible board member here, I so often start posts and am terrible about replying to others, though a lot of that is anxiety about sounding stupid and uncreative when I'm just the 43rd person to pile on with I'm sorry or congratulations. I'm frequently so wrapped up in myself that I don't remember to send sympathy cards to people who lose loved ones. I'm just overextended in my life and can barely meet my own obligations, and I have such good intentions about supporting others, and then I just don't get to it. I keep thinking, well, when x ends, I'll be OK and catch up. Nope, then y comes along, and then z. I was so excited about the date DH and I had for our anniversary and yet I forgot to actually get him something tangible, like even a card.

The thing is, it's not like I can say that I'm taking particularly good care of myself, either. I haven't taken a bath other than with DS since I was pregnant, and have gotten exactly one pedicure and one massage since giving birth. And one haircut. I've written 2 papers for work and sent out one grant proposal, and completed 6 hours of school, and am about to take a 5 hour class in July, I'll be finished with school in the spring. And I think DS is coming out pretty OK.

I kept thinking that what I wasn't getting to was just me setting the bar too high, and now, I'm thinking, I'm setting it too low. I'm just not present for anyone other than myself and DS. I wish I could say it started when I had him, but I think it happened when I went back to school and got overcommitted but doing something my soul needs so badly I cry thinking about it. If that's true, I'll have spent 4 years as a self-centered jerk, and I think my family would say it started a couple of decades before that.

Geez, even the length of this email is self-centered, thinking anyone would actually take the time to read this and care. I'm sorry about that, it just really helps me to lay it out here and think about it (see, there I go again, it's just for me). I truly apologize. I should probably lay low on the posting until I really have time to contribute as a responding, not starting, poster here. Gonna go cry now and then put on my big girl panties and figure out how to dig myself out of this hole I've gotten myself into.