Family Matters

What is about MILs?

J+A10 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:41:48 GMT

I'm recently married... and ever since we've been engaged I wonder if everyone has trouble with their MIL, just becuase of the nature of the relationship makes it so it's difficult to have a good relationship. Or are some people able to have a really great relationship with their MIL?

When we were dating, I used to think that my MIL was amazing and I assumed she'd be a pleasure to have as an MIL. She didn't intrude on DH's life or our life then (and she still doesn't now). She's a friendly, seemingly happy person, she threw me a wedding shower, she tells everyone she loves me, she buys me gifts, she was relatively easy to deal with during our wedding planning and she even helps us financially be able to buy those special extras that we wouldn't be able to afford otherwise..... Even after our rehearsal dinner when she gave a speech (mostly about me) people came up to me and said "oh my gosh, your MIL loves you so much, you are sooooo lucky"... and these comments are from people that havent even met her before.

But once we got engaged my view has completely changed, when I see her and think about her now I pretty much just cringe. She talks on the phone to DH in "baby talk", signs her emails to me as "mommy," googles me and my family and friends frequently just so she can "get to know me better." And is ALWAYS wanting to see me and talk to me on the phone, way more frequently that i even talk to my own parents on the phone and she wants to see me even more often than she sees her own son.

So any thoughts? Would you/should I find her as wonderful as everyone else seems to think she is? And just thank my lucky stars that this is the worst she does. Would she be irritating to you as a daughter in law? Or is is that no matter who your MIL is your gonna find problems with her.

Wits End!!--Would you go?

LaLO929 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:33:01 GMT

Backstory -- My DH and his brother got into a drunken arguement 3 years ago. After it happend my DH apologized for his portion but his brother didn't even say anything back. The fight was dumb and there was fault on both sides. The past 3 years my DH has made numerous efforts to get past this. He isn't the type to hold grudges. He has said sorry to him with no response from his brother. We've been to holidays with his whole family and its been uncomfortable. DH will talk, ask him questions but barely any words out of his brothers mouth. DH has called, emailed and texted him for random different things (congratulating him & his gf's pregnancy, getting a new house and has even recently invited him to a nfl football game). While I was pregnant with DD his brother didn't bother calling to congratulate DH. We had a baby shower with men & women and he didn't attend. We invited him to come to the baptism and he did come (because their mom didn't really give him an option--she is very religious). And yes, he attended but he didn't say hi to us or even come and meet his neice. He left immediatly after the service. We then invited him to DD's 1st birthday party and nothing. He didn't rsvp, didn't even send a card afterwards in the mail, no call to wish her/us a happy bday.

I feel DH has put so much effort into having some sort of brother relationship and there has been no response. Its like how much a$$ kissing do we have to do to get him to come around. I get into arguments with my sisters, we talk it out and were fine.

Anyways...now I am invited to DH's brothers girlfriends baby shower in December. I feel like if I go we are giving in one more time for him and nothing is recipricated. And what, he doesn't contact us in 3 years and now wants a gift for his LO? I feel a little incling in my head that says "go" because of the cousins. However, why does a cousin relationship matter if BIL doesn't even want us (the parents) around. Should I go? Would you go?

Anyone nervous about the holidays after losing a parent?

pxt157 — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:28:16 GMT

I just lost my dad Oct. 1st and I am scared/anxious/upset/nervous about the holidays coming up. Is anyone else? Or has anyone else lost someone close to them other than a parent and are worried about the holidays?

I had also posted this under holidays about a week ago. I just figured it would fit into this category as well. Thanks.

Neighbor dad came over to see if he could print off something on our computer

Sue_sue — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:53:42 GMT

Turns out someone he does not know, from the Phillipines, has just gotten a big inheritance, but they're going to die soon and they want to transfer these assets to my neighbor! If he'll just print off this thing and sign it and take it to his bank and tell them to send it to this person's bank in the Phillipines.

He was so excited. I had to tell him it was a scam; and he really did not believe me. I said well, maybe you should go to your bank and have THEM print it off and then advise you from there.

DH and I had a talk about HIS MAMMA and HIS Daddy!!!!

freemand_23 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:06:30 GMT

Lastnight, we said ENOUGH is ENOUGH! No longer will we allow them to try and "control" our household. That doesn't mean that we have to be rude to them, but what it does mean is that we won't take no more of their BS!

They have to realize that we are ADULTS and not KIDS! We pay our own bills, and take care of our own children. We do not want to have a Superior/Subordinate type of relationship them. That means NO POP UPS, NO CONTINUOUS PHONE CALLS, DEMANDED PRIVACY, AND THE WAY WE RAISE OUR KIDS IS OUR BUSINESS!

My MIL called yesterday to apologize about being so pushy, and she insisted that she would "stay in her place" But I will soon find out, because she has said that before.

DH and I already have planned what we are going to say once they begin to ask to many nosey questions...Here are a list of RESPONSES BELOW!

1. That is NOT up for Discussion!

2. Don't you think that's PERSONAL???

3. I don't want to have this conversation with you!

4. Where this conversation is going is inappropriate to discuss with you.

5. Me and my Hubby/Wife are happy with the way things are, and you can keep your opinions to yourself!

6. Call before you come, because we may be tied up.

7. I'm hanging UP!

8. Why are you digging...you won't find anything!

9. You keep track of whats going on in your house...Don't you have your husband to tend to?

10. Since you want to be all up in the business my Mortage is Due on the 1st and I will give you the account number since you want to Control our house. You might as well pay the rent if you want to contol it!

It's ashame that we have to do this but we need to be prepared and consistent! Bottom Line.

Thanks for reading ladies! :-)

How to handle ILs?

AlexJ217 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:12:20 GMT

I lurk on this board and noticed a lot of posts are regarding ILs. It tends to make me feel better about mine. We tend to have a love/hate relationship at times. Sometimes I am the greatest thing and sometimes they are "disappointed" in what I do. It really stresses me out. They tend to be very judgemental (which is the opposite of how I was raised). They even judge my family, which really hurts my feelings. Sometimes I think I am not good enough - and other times, I am the best DIL in the world. Crazy. So, no matter your IL situation, how do you handle it? How do you keep the peace and make everyone happy?

... and now there is a family photo.

livinitup — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:40:11 GMT

I live OOT from parents and sister's family. 5 hour drive, 1 hour flight. I see them each and every month, sometimes more (like this month) and usually because we travel to them or travel to meet them. The ILs live out of state, too. Its been 4 years since I've settled here, they haven't quite gotten over it.

Thanksgiving was a horrible saga to sort out. Mom works full time and as a nurse has to rotate holidays. So she'll be working T-day and Friday but insisted that they get their "turn" and have me in town this year. So I am cooking at sister's house (me not her). And P.S. I "should" be there next year when mom has off (mom and sister have already started). So it was a nice triple jab - I 'should' have been there last year (nope, gave the ILs a turn- 1st in 4 yrs), I 'have' to be there this year and I 'should ' be there next year.

Fine. Sorted it out.

Dad scheduled and I agreed to a happy-family photo on Saturday morning. We tried one over Easter, it was a mini disaster and no one liked the photos.

So work demands that I arrive several days early. Yeah! I have a meeting in a nearby city on Monday morning. My dad and mom are delighted. They even get a whole day to babysit while I go to a meeting. Bad news, since I arrive on Sunday night, I want to leave Friday night and do NOT want to stay for the family photo. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - all them, unlimted time with their grandtoddler. Then T-day holiday and day-after (mom's working, I have plans with a good friend). I REALLY want/need to get back for my sanity and to plan for the next week and work .. and late-week IL trip.

So my dad hung up on me when I discussed it. Rescheduling the Saturday morning family photo is not an option. We are in town all week but my sister 'needs to cook dinner' - huh? and we can't reschedule the photo or cancell. The horror.

Am I a terrible person for wanting to tear my hair out and get back to my home and supposing ... just supposing that we can reschedule for January?

Phone Calls...

J+R — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:20:15 GMT

How often do your IL's call you? My DH and I are about to scream... MIL and FIL call every single day - MULTIPLE times a day. As soon as my DH goes out of town on a business trip, MIL is calling 3-4 times a day... We try to ignore it, but then they just blow up the phone. A few months back we tried telling them that they get ONE call a day, and if they waste it on something stupid, then they wait until the next day... That worked for a little bit but now they just keep calling... I told DH that since it's his parents, he needs to discuss it with them, which he said is fine. But MIL has to dramatize everything and cry like a baby getting the family all involved.

Its getting frustrating. We cannot have dinner/watch a movie/go to a freaking wedding/ without them calling - and if we dont answer... they continue to call!

Any advice?

Ok, what are your thoughts?

christin228 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:44:17 GMT

I'm really getting annoyed now, and wanna know what you all think. Here's a quick summary of, well, me!

- I've been on bcp for about 6 years (Ortho tricyclen-Lo). For the past 2 years I've been skipping the last week of pills and going straight to the next pack. Then every 3 or 4 months I would take the whole pack, and get AF the last week. My doc said I should do that every few months so that I'm getting AF 3-4 times a year.

- Those times that I have taken the whole pack, I have ALWAYS gotten AF.

- In August my insurance switched me to a generic version of my pills.

- In September, I took the whole pack, and should have gotten AF the last week of September. Never got it.

- In October, I took the first 3 weeks, then the beginning of the 4th week I was feeling nauseous, sore breasts, bloated, etc. and thought I was PG. I took a test and sure enough it was a BFP.

- A couple days later, just because I wanted a test to show SO, I took 2 more, and they were BFN's. My pg symptoms also went away.

I thought that maybe it was a CP or early MC, but still to this day not a drop of blood, no spotting or anything. My best friend was telling me the other day about hearing of people who got BFN's for months and then found out they were actually pg. So, I took another test yesterday just to make sure, and it was another BFN.

I'm sure i'm not PG. I've been PG 6 times and I just don't feel anything at all. I just don't know what could explain that first BFP. Sometimes I think I even imagined it! lol.

Any thoughts?

So Frustrated!

blonden2fast4u — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:21:52 GMT

I posted this on the 9-5 board, but because you ladies have such honest suggestions, I am hoping you can help me!

So I am just beyond frustrated at my boss! She keeps telling me that for all the trainings I set up (i'm in a 2 person HR dept) that I need to remind people 5 or so times for each training!

What really irks me is that people have told me to my face that they delete my emails and don't read them. My boss still makes me email these reminders out, full well knowing that everyone just deletes them or doesn't even read them!

It just drives me crazy that I have to continue to do this even though it has been proven pointless. I think one reminder is more than enough. But I guess that enabling our 300 employees to slack off is better than helping me reduce my workload!

Sorry for the long vent! I'm just beyond frustrated! Any suggestions on getting her to understand this huge drain on my time (over 5 hours a week!)? She just says she doesn't care, I still have to do it.

tacky or thrifty???

JJcre8 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:16:59 GMT

We just bought a new home and are having the parents up in separate trips until we get further along with unpacking. My IL's came this week and one of the visitors was my SIL. We have an odd relationship at the moment, I'm not sure where it is going. It was nice of her to come and see us though.

She came and brought a bag with her and said it was for us. After dinner, my MIL and I were cleaning up and talking. She started complaining about having been at my SIL's all week helping her clean and now her back was bothering her. During the conversation she mentioned all of the bridal shower gifts that she never used that they found in the attic. I let her vent because she was tired and looked like she needed the release.

After everyone left, my DH and I were settling in and he asked me what was in the bag that his sister brought. When I picked up the bag I noticed it was a bridal shower bag, which was ironic to me because we were just talking about the topic but I know our families re-use gift bags so I thought nothing of it. I pulled out a Fortunoff's box that was labeled "vase." Inside was a very lovely vase, just as the box said. My DH git angry and remembered this as a gift my SIL had been given. I think the gesture was nice and the vase is pretty, but not sure I feel the same as he does. Is this "regift" thrifty or tacky?

Keeping pregnancy a secret to hurt someones feelings??

danniebell1021 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:54:31 GMT

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A little advice needed:

My SIL was pregnant during my engagement last year. DH and I didn’t find out she was expecting until she was 26 weeks along. We don’t see her much during the months Jan.- June because she travels with her bf who is a coach. Now some back story she is 37 and this makes their 6^th kid combined, they both have been married before. And before the hiding the pregnancy and wedding, we all got along great! She just sent a nasty e-mail this week to DH because she is mad that he has not made the 4 hour trip to see the new baby since he was born in late August.

She admitted to DH in a nasty email that she didn’t tell him about the baby on purpose. And she told the rest of her family to leave him out. Which they did, MIL who we saw at least once a month never dropped a clue. SIL said that since she didn’t get to be involved with planning our wedding, she figured he didn’t care. (By the way the ONLY thing she ever said about our wedding to us was, and I quote here was “What the hell would you want to do that for!” That’s what she said to DH with me sitting right there.)

DH is trying to decide what to say back to her. I think it might be best to just ignore it; she is looking for attention so why give it to her. If she doesn’t have someone to play junior high games with she’s out of luck right? But he wants to confront her about the issue. So what would you do? Do you think DH should have it out with her or that he should just let throw her little fit alone?

icky in law drama RANT

elisab81 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:57:04 GMT

so I got married on the 7th and have had a very strained relationship with the IL's ever since. I have always had a great relationship with all of them but as soon as the wedding came around things got crazy!

are brides no longer allowed to be stressed out the 4 days before the wedding???

apparently I have a nasty attitude and the IL's all got their feelings hurt before the wedding blah blah BLAH. The day after the wedding we were back at our house and some of friends had come over just to hang out, if they were OOT they came to say goodbye etc. After my best friend and her boyfriend left to drive back to NY (from NC) I sat down to text my SIL who left without saying goodbye (went back to MD) and I needed to know where some of my step-daughters things were. While I'm sitting there FIL comes over and asks to take a min and talk to me in private.

He says that his wife and daughter used to be my biggest supporters and now he doesnt know how they feel about me etc. Goes on for 15 mins until I walk out b/c I'm like I feel sick. (there were still people at my house and I'm balling my eyes out). Then IL's leave and go back to MD. To ease DH's feelings I called MIL and SIL to settle things. MIL bitched me out, hung up on me, I call back, She goes on about how rude my mother and I are, How I need therapy (ps-their marriage is totally messed up) , How maybe my mother did the best she could but she just throws people away and just *** talked about my mom for an hour. Im so pissed. SIL and I worked it out, but I dont know how I feel about MIL. And we're supposed to go there for Thanksgiving. MIL said they can be the family I need, because my family f*cked me up. GRRR. My mom was a single parent and did just fine. I could go into the horrible details of my parents relationship but I wont. MIL tried telling me that parents love their children no matter what and my mom was wrong for throwing him out....she doesnt even know my dad!!! he's dead!

uggh. any thoughts for how i am supposed to deal with her or thanksgiving for 3-5 days at their house? I dont know what to do.

sorry its so long...but its very upsetting. TIA for any input :)

I really don't know what to do for holiday's

freemand_23 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:17:28 GMT

Please bare with me...I still have more venting to do....

My MIL invited us to go out of town with them for the holiday. However, after all of the drama with them making a HUGE deal about daughters having a little cold; I think it would better in our best interest to cancel the hotel reservations, and stay home for the holidays. My MIL even got my FIL to go off on my DH, he had the nerve to ask DH "who is more important your daughter's health or going out of town"...WHAT A STUPID QUESTION...

DH was really upset when he made that comment, because THEY were the ones INSISTING THAT we go out of town with them in the first place, and of course we wouldn't travel if our DD is sick...(to us that is common sense.) Apparently they are under the assumption that we are that incompetent!

I told DH that we will just make dinner at home, so that we wouldn't be under so much scrutiny. We are going to enjoy our holiday, and under no circumstances will it be ruined by ANYONE!

I'M CONVINCED THEY ARE ALL COMPLETE IDIOTS!

INPUT PLEASE??

kitcat018 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:34:42 GMT

Its a long story, but in short terms, my real mom left when I was 7 years old. Ever since then, I had a hard and difficult relationship with her and pretty much had to write her off as a mom. She was never there for birthdays, memories, events. She did come to my graduation, but that was because she wanted to see my brothers. I never talk to her and I never see her and that is it.

Well when I was about 10, my dad remarried "V" and I viewed this woman to be my mother as she was there for everything that I went through and then plus some. My dad and her divorced when I was almost 15 and I causally stayed in touch with her over the years. When I was 19, my dad's evil new gf/wife kicked me out and "V" took me in as her child and I lived with her until I was confident and independent enough to move on my own. Since then I talk to her and occasionally we get coffee and lunch, and remained "friends".

Once I got engaged, she told me that she wants to be there for me and I have openingly accpeted that. Although, I have not invited her to certain events she wants to be there for me on my big day. In the meantime, my father has become super supportive of me and my FI.

Well my dad out of the blue IMs me and asks if I have talked to "V" , I said no. He sent me an email that she sent him, in regards to wanting to represent herself as my mother at my wedding. My dad feels that she shouldnt be doing that and blah blah blah...

I feel confessed about it because she was the only mother figure I had in my life, but she not my mom, and I have worked our entire wedding ceremony and recepection on that concept of not having the mother of the bride there.

I want her to be included but what do I do, I dont want to upset my dad, I dont want to upset her, and I dont want to regret any actions that I might make.

Advice please!!!!

Vent about my horrible day...

cath3888 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:52:10 GMT

So...I had an awful day and I kinda need to vent.

I'm taking this Theoretical Approaches to Religion class right now. It's SO hard. The professor has us reading these crazy hard texts, like Durkheim and Levi-Strauss. So we had this paper assignment that was SO hard. It may as well have been titled "The Meaning of Life...in 5 Pages". (We had to explore the divergence between the Comparative Religions notion of "religion" and the Anthropological notion of "religion" and try to combine them to see what happens...it's a bit more complicated than that, but that's the watered down version.) So anyway, it took me two weeks to write this paper. I really put my heart and soul into it. When it was done, it was absolutely brilliant, the best thing I've ever written. I had four different friends (who are VERY harsh critics) review it and tell me what they thought; they all agreed it was amazing.

So, I handed the paper in. I get it back today along with a 2 page single spaced critique of it in which the professor tore me and my paper to SHREDS. He told me that I can't write, have awkward use of syntax, and my entire argument was undermined by its narrowness. He gave me a B. I was expecting nothing less than an A-...and I got a B. I held it together for the rest of class and then went home and cried a lot. Now I still feel like sh*t about it.

I'm just so sick of the way BU professors grade. I mean, you can write a paper 2 weeks in advance or the morning it's due and essentially get the same grade. They only give you the grade you deserve if you argue with them about it. It's just such BS. A "B" isn't going to get me into law school any faster...

So then I called my mom to vent to her...and all she does is b*tch at me for not applying to NYU law. I'm avoiding the entire state of NY because we cannot have a healthy relationship when we live in close proximity of each other (and she lives in NY) . So, rather than getting cheered up, I just got an earful about what a bad daughter I am.

And now I'm off to a meeting by the end of which I'll want to gouge my eyes out...

That was my rant. E-hugs welcome.

SIL Baby Shower

Mrs.Elsie — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:21:44 GMT

My SIL and I have had a very rocky relationship for the past few years and now she won't even speak to me when we see each other at family events. She's pregnant and her and DH's brother have made it a huge point to exclude us from everything that has to do with the baby (which is fine with us since we don't get along with them now). Her baby shower is in a few weeks and I don't want to go. It won't be pleasant for either of us and I'm sure she'd rather me not there so she can enjoy her own shower. Is it beyond rude that I'm not planning on going? I did get her a nice present and I'll send it with my other SIL. TIA

F/U: Wedding at "Babtist" church

chi_lyn — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:43:52 GMT

You may remember I posted about a month ago about my steprbrother's wedding. He's 20, she graduated from hs in May. The big day was Saturday. Please enjoy the cringe-worthy details.

Disclaimer: My family is classier than this mess, and despite offering financial and planning support, had no input in this. As for me, I was in no way involved in either the planning or offers of support. I was not snarky to the happy couple and did not comment on any of these observations (at least to their faces or to the planners). This is for entertainment purposes only.

- The parents/grandparents had no idea they were being seated during the procession. The (paid) wedding coordinator pulled them from their seats five minutes before things got started and had them walk back to their pew.

- There was a 10 minute hiatus between the groom entering/family seating and the rest of the procession. This happened because the (paid) coordinator signaled for things to begin before the bride found her shoes and jewelry.

- The only decorations in the church were dust pans hanging on the walls for the church's "Clean Sweep" campaign. (We have no idea what this was.)

- The bride's tiara was larger than any I've seen on a prom queen. With a big dangling jewel.

- The reception (at the local high school cafeteria) indeed featured pizza. Made and served by the local Key Club. (I had no idea you could screw up pizza so terribly.) We ate off styrofoam plates.

- The cafeteria was appropriately deorated with wooden castle, princess and crown cut-outs. Decorated with markers.

- Each dance (father/daughter, mother/son, first dance) was approximately 20 seconds long. No fading of the music. Just "cut."

- Speaking of music, we were treated to junior high slow dance classics.

- The cake's icing was turquoise. Everyone had green teeth for hours.

- Oh, and we learned that the happy couple cannot afford to turn on the gas in their apartment.

- Other interesting information: my step-brother openly admitted that he had his 13-year-old brother (my youngest step-brother) in the wedding party only so his groom's tux would be free at Men's Warehouse.

We all had a great time.

And I have a picture of some reception details (the wooden cutouts featured at the gift table), but I suck at adding pictures to my posts. If someone can help, I'll give a bonus picture of my kitten playing in a plastic Halloween bucket.

I don't know what to think about MIL B***** or Snitch pick one!

freemand_23 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:49:58 GMT

I try to open up to my MIL, but everytime I do that it comes back to bite me in the a$$. It's like DH and I are underneath a microscope everytime we visit them. She watches our every move, and she watches who does what for each other, and also how we interact with one another, and its like we are being tested by her, because a few days later she always calls and tells me what she thinks about what we did or said. Now, I don't mind a having a daughter and mother relationship with her, however she takes things to the next level all THE TIME. It's almost to the point that I don't want to be around her. Like one day we were at her house, and DH decided to fix our baby a bottle...DH has his own way of doing things, he pours the powder in first and then the water. So I get a call a few days later from her, she tells me that I shouldn't allow DH to fix the babies bottles anymore because it's just some things women do better than men! I'm like what the heck? I feel that she is constantly picking our relationship. On DH's off days he would straighten up our place and do some laundry, and so she calls to ask what is he doing. He tells her he is doing laundry and a little cleaning. So she gets pissed and call me a few days later asking me why is DH always cleaning on his off days when she calls? First of all DH and I share chores, we always help each other. She also used to pop up at our home, and walk all through out our home and DH had to tell her to stop doing that and that she should call before she come. Our daughter had a little stuffy nose, due to a little congestion. The baby wasn't running a temp. or anything serious. DH and I called her doctor, and the doctor told us to buy a humidifier or a vaporizor also use rub some baby vicks on her chest. The doctor told us that it is not much medicine you can give a baby when they are only 5 months old, and that the baby couldn't take the flu shot until she was 6months. My MIL called me at work upset stating that we need to take OUR daughter to the same pediatrician that she took her kids to...She even made our daughter an appointment without our permission. DH called her back and told her that we were not switching doctors. DH was really upset, because his parents lied and said that they had picked the baby up and took her to the pediatrician. Which we later to find out that it was NOT true. DH was livid! My MIL then called me back the next day to apologize and that she would stay in her place from now on...However, she has said that so many times it would make my head spin if I were to count. It's completley draining, and I don't know what to do. It's like she never has anything positive to reflect on. I feel that she is trying to change me, and that I can't really be myself around her. I mean who cares who fixes the baby bottle, as long as she eats who cares? Why are people so Analytical? It's like she is trying to detroy my self-esteem to make herself look good. It makes a person feel inadequate if all you is speak on negative things and complain about their every move. I'm not perfect nor do I pretend to be. I don't have the answers to every problem. I mess up sometimes, we all do. I work full-time, go to school full-time, have three children and a husband. I won't do everything perfectly...I'm just to busy for that. I wish that I could be a stepford wife and bake cookies like that, however THAT IS NOT REALITY!

I feel a little too "family" overwhelmed...

vworonec — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:31:02 GMT

Here's the run down of what is expected of DH and myself this weekend/next week. I just feel like it is too much to ask in such a short period of time.

Saturday afternoon we are expected in Boston (2-2.5 hour drive) for a "cousins" dinner. We are going up to play with the cousins' kids in the afternoon then go out in Boston for dinner. ::Backstory:: Last time we did this it cost $40 for 2 hours parking and $100 for "our" portion of the dinner bill... they don't eat cheap. Plus gas. It is going to be a pricy night. But we could afford it if that were all we were expected to do.

Monday evening we are expected back in Boston for a babyshower for SIL. BIL and SIL are flying in to Manchester, NH to save a few dollars, making their parents pick them up and drive them to Boston. We live in Central CT, it's not a quick drive. That's beside the point. All the cousins who will be at Saturday's dinner are invited, it has been made into a co-ed shower since BIL and SIL are only here Monday and Tuesday so the "Boston" family will only get to see them this one day. DH has already said he is not going since he has to be up at 4 am for work and the commuting will be too much.

Tuesday we are having "Thanksgiving" at the MIL/FIL's for BIL and SIL. All of DH's brothers will be there to celebrate since BIL and SIL are leaving the next morning for her family's celebration. This is an hour drive for us each way.

Thursday is real Thanksgiving... guess where... BOSTON!

Saturday DH and brothers have a tradition of going to NYC to do Christmas shopping/sightseeing/etc. 2 hour drive again.

I don't think I am being unreasonable to say no to at least one of the Boston trips, especially if we are going to see SIL and can give her the baby present the next night. Between the gas, dining out, presents, and family time in general I feel like my head might explode. DH thinks I should "just go with it", but really!?

Can I use my maiden name professionally if I change my name legally?

brendaba — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:15:28 GMT

Hi! Just got married. I'm unsure of whether I'm going to take my husband's name or not. If I change it legally could I still use my maiden name professionally? I have a job that requires a lot of networking and everyone knows me by my maiden name. But my husband really wants me to take his name. Is this totally a crazy idea? Oh and ps. his last name is awful, like really awful, which I know makes me a bad person saying that, but it's true. I feel like if it was a less embarrassing last name I would be more willing to re-network so that people at work knew my new name.

If you have OOT (driving distance) family/ILs?

MrsEvans2Be — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 01:43:53 GMT

How do you handle holidays?

Do you have kids? Do you still travel if you do or celebrate at a different time (the day or weekend after for instance)?

Just curious what others do.

"Mandated" family vacation and pet issues

JoEsther — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 20:09:10 GMT

So I love my in-laws. I know that's weird, but they're great people and I really enjoy them. That said, there's an "issue" that I'd love to get your thoughts on.

We all live in one area. Well, except for hubby's one brother, who lives about 14 hours drive away (or two hours flight). He's the only one who's had children (he and his wife are, for the record, adorable). Hubby's sister and her hubby haven't had any children, and it's likely that Hubby and I won't either, as we're in our early 40s. We just married (#2 for me, #1 for him) and the issue I want to discuss is a mandated family vacation.

Because they only have grandkids from the younger brother, MIL and FIL insist on doing early Thanksgivings at the brother's home with his wife and kids, and they want Hubby and me, and SIL and her hubby, to come along. They do this every year, since way before I was even involved with Hubby. But this requires travel and hotel, and it's pricey, particularly these days. We went last week and it was... okay, but not that exciting (quite boring, really) and there are so many other things I'd have preferred to spend that money on. What concerns me is the future. Next year, or the years after that. Do I have to go? Do we have to go? What if we can't afford it, or want to make alternate plans (and not take those days off work!) or... whatever? How can we handle this without hurting anyone's feelings?

Also, another issue is The Dog. MIL and FIL have a dog which, in their eyes, is the best, cutest, smartest dog to walk the earth. I'm not a dog person. I have a cat, who, as you can probably guess, isn't used to dogs. She's a normal "I've never lived with a dog" cat and he scares her. However, MIL and FIL go out of town occasionally and expect Hubby and me (and SIL and her hubby) to watch the dog. As in, to take him into the house and treat him like a member of our household.

To me, that necessitates locking my cat up in a room so the dog can't get to her, and making her into a second class citizen in her own house. Because you can't lock up the dog - dogs need attention and walking and space. But since cats are more self-reliant, it's not a big deal to them. But it's a HUGE deal to me. She's my cat and I don't want to do that to her. I don't think it's right or fair.

Your thoughts would be most appreciated. :D

Selfish MIL (rant)

Hinessn — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:47:11 GMT

I've come on here before about my selfish ILs and I have something new I need to vent to someone other than DH.

Thanksgiving with the families is actually pretty easy for us - DHs parents got divorced last year and have 7 children (including DH) and multiple relatives, all in the area. They always split holidays, someone has Tday on one day, then the other side of the family has theirs. Then we can also spend time with my mom as well. I have no idea why the holidays have always been split like this, but it works out great for everyone.

Every year, for MILs side of the family, it is held at her parents house. G-IL's had a beautiful house on a large piece of land (we actually got married there) so everyone was able to spread out and be comfortable. This year G-IL's have sold their house and have moved into an amazing new house. None of DH's family has seen this house, nor did they help them move - except for Dh, myself, and my mom (they get along great with my mom and consider her a very good friend). We went over one day and helped them move things, brought them some food since we knew they'd be too tired to cook, etc etc.

Since they just got into their new place this past week, Tday was supposed to be at MILs house this year...until we get a phone call from G-MIL that MIL doesn't want Tday at her house because she doesn't want the fuss or get her huose messed up. What a selfish biotch! G-ILs are in a brand new place and its a total wreck as they haven't had time to settle in yet and MIL doesn't want to be bothered???!!!

Ugh, I can't stand it and DH wasn't surprised at all by this. I wish we could host it but our place is TINY and barely fits us and our two dogs. I wish I could just tell MIL to pull her head out of her a$$

I dont know...

futuremrshackney — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:09:01 GMT

One of my close friends made the decision to move in July to live with a guy who she had "met" online and only been talking to for about four months. She moved 1,000 miles from home and moved in with him and within a week had called and told me that he was horrible towards her and had lied and was actually ten years older then what he had originally told her (she found this out by looking at baby pictures and seeing the date, and then confronting him...he didn't offer up the information.)

Anyways she never did move home, although she told me she was seriously considering it. I don't talk to her enough now to know whats really going on... Shes comming home for a few days over christmas and bringing her bf with her. I'm a little apprehensive.. I mean if the only things i've ever been told about him is that he ignores her, calls her names, and lied about his age... what am I suppose to think?

I guess I have to be polite and pretend to be happy about meeting him... but in reality I have no desire to. As bad as it sounds I'm really hoping she comes to our house solo and he stays in a hotel or something.... I'm terrible :(