Family Matters

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

Jill7475 — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 01:10:12 GMT

ictoana:
Ditto ECB.

Let your husband handle his mother. He is your first line of defence against her. She is going to forgive him for hurting her feelings before she forgives you.

I agree with this too. You may suggest some things to do about that matter to you DH and he should explain this to his mom.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

DO-JO — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 01:21:10 GMT

Easiest way to make a needy friend feel satisfied is what I have honed as a two-stage process called "Deflect-and-Initiate."

Stage 1 - Deflect:

HER "Want to come over and help me pick out boring old table linens for my upcoming snore-fest?"

YOU "No."

Stage 2 - Initate:

YOU "But I'll come over 30 minutes early for the party and help you set up all the last minute things, or if you need someone to run to the store I'll do it."

-----

THE THEORY:

She feels sad when you reject her intial offer, but stage two makes her elated that you have initated a hang-out time with her, but you've manoeuvered it to be on your clock.

Win.Win.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

nifferlicious — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 02:59:59 GMT

My MIL passed away before I met dh and I wish every day that I had met her in person.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

LCSC1980 — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 18:47:57 GMT

My MIL lives in Israel. They can still be overbearing from there and with a language barrior. They want me to be "Israelified." It took some time but my hub stood up for me a year later.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

mrsmegs06 — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:20:05 GMT

My SIL and I are dealing with the same issue regarding our MIL. She wants to have this relationship with us because we're in the family...not because we have anything in common. It's really tough, but our DH's are finally realizing that it is something that can't be forced, and they have politely told her that we have a lot of other interests and things going on, and that we we can't go out with her weekly.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

phoeny_moonstar — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:46:53 GMT

EastCoastBride:

My DH told his mom that just because her best friends DIL hangs out with her, that it doesn't mean that is normal.

First, kudo's to your DH for saying this! But I think he can (and should) take it a step further.

"Mom, it's wonderful that you want to be closer to schweal. However, you can't compare your relationship w/ her to your friends' relationships. Different people, different circumstances. Scwehal absolutely likes you- but we're both every busy people and simply dont' have the time to see you (or anyone) as much as we may like. Heck- she talks to you more than she talks to her own mom. I just need to suggest that you take it for what it is and stop comparing y our relationship to others. It's not fair!! you just need to let it take it's own course"

I agree with ECB. I don't think even if you hung out with her 5 days a week she would be satisified. Kudos on your Hubby backing you up.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

rori11 — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 22:26:36 GMT

Spending time alone with my MIL would be dangerous to my health. I might actually be proven to be the first person that was literally bored to death.

She's a nice lady, treats me fine, just BORING. Needless to say, we aren't BFF's.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

breannek.ot — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:47:07 GMT

In answer to your question: No. We are friendly and have spent some time together just the 2 of us, but we're not buddies. We talk if I answer the phone when she calls to talk to DH or she has something she wants to tell me when she is talking to him, or to ask my professional opinion on a subject I am familiar with. Last weekend DH went to play golf with his dad, and at the last minute, his mom said if I wanted to come with DH, we could go shopping, do lunch, etc. But I really and truly just wanted a day at home by myself. They just didn't want me to feel left out (I didn't. I wanted some "me" time!)

Ditto ECB's advice to your DH.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

lil_diamond_eyes — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 20:53:39 GMT

My MIL is actually my boss!! She is a great boss and treats me better than her own kids half the time. :)

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

giaM28 — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 20:41:57 GMT

i am. i talk to her a few times a week, we go shopping and get our nails done. Dh and i go there once a week and she is a friend to me. i understand this is not the norm but im really close with my in-laws. im glad your H stood up for you.

ETA: sorry i posted on the wrong board and the Nest Gods wont let me DD.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

duckie11905 — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 19:41:54 GMT

My MIL was all over me for the last 6 months of wedding planning and the first two months we were married and it was driving me insane. She was being uber-clingly because she was afraid that I didn't like her and that if I didn't like her I wouldn't let her see her son. As a result I never wanted to have any contact with her at all because being with her or speaking to her drove me nuts.

I totally agree with the other posters, have your DH handle it and have him handle it for both of you. That way it won't look like you forced him to yell at his mother.

DH told his mom that we love her and enjoy speaking with her and spending time with her but she needed to back off because she was suffocating us. She took the hint and things have been much better since. Now I usually don't hear from her unless she has a reason to call and speak with me directly, she talks to her son once or twice a week, and we see them a few times a month.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

rochella — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 19:37:25 GMT

Oh, wow, I missed your last paragraph. You already call her a lot and she's STILL overbearing and wanting to hang out?! Well, let DH handle this completely! Sounds like he's on the right track.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

rochella — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 19:35:08 GMT

Your H is handling this well, but the only thing I might suggest is trying to call her more often if you have time. I know some people (my grandmother!) who are just "phone" people and all they want to do is chat, chat, chat.

For slightly anti-social me, it's easier to call them rather than having to actually go out with them and be at their mercy for length of time spent with them. A phone call is fifteen minutes once or twice a week.

And then you say, "Oh, look at the time, it''s time for dinner/TV show/bed/shower!" Such an easy out.

It doesn't sound like you have any problems with MIL per se, so maybe the frequent phone calls would help.

My suggestion though is to never feel obligated to spend time with MIL outside of family events. I don't think I've ever hung out with MIL one on one. I've hung out with her and SIL for a "girls" thing and just me and DH and her, but not like a shopping date or anything.. eep, that would make me feel awkward.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

ictoana — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:47:47 GMT

Ditto ECB.

Let your husband handle his mother. He is your first line of defence against her. She is going to forgive him for hurting her feelings before she forgives you.

Re: Is anyone "best friends" with MIL??

EastCoastBride — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:01:12 GMT

My DH told his mom that just because her best friends DIL hangs out with her, that it doesn't mean that is normal.

First, kudo's to your DH for saying this! But I think he can (and should) take it a step further.

"Mom, it's wonderful that you want to be closer to schweal. However, you can't compare your relationship w/ her to your friends' relationships. Different people, different circumstances. Scwehal absolutely likes you- but we're both every busy people and simply dont' have the time to see you (or anyone) as much as we may like. Heck- she talks to you more than she talks to her own mom. I just need to suggest that you take it for what it is and stop comparing y our relationship to others. It's not fair!! you just need to let it take it's own course"