Trouble in Paradise

Community theater while married - is kissing ok?

tlcierny — Thu, 16 May 2013 19:11:08 GMT

Hello, I have a friend who is getting into community theater and has been offered a role in a performance - there's a scene in which her character has to kiss her male stage-partner. My friend's husband is extremely upset that she's even considering taking this role, and it has sparked a lot of conversation on whether or not it's "cheating" if it's in the name of art. Add to that, if one is ok with stage-kissing, do you draw the line at kissing on stage, or are other types of romantic scenes ok?

I'm interested in your (and your spouse's) thoughts on this. Personally, I think my friend's husband is overreacting, since it seems to me that acting isn't real life and it's for a higher art. But I can see his point. I've also listened to actors talk about having partners who support their art no matter the type of role, so it's an interesting conundrum.

I'm worried about DH's son visiting...

jaime ma famille — Wed, 15 May 2013 14:48:10 GMT

DH has two children from a previous marriage (older, 18 and 16), and they live with their mother in a different state. Now, the 16 year old son is NOT his biological son. During the divorce (the son was 8 at the time) they did a paternity test and found out that he was not his son - the mother cheated on my DH at the time. However, he still calls DH "dad" and they have a good relationship, because obviously he was mostly raised to think of DH as his father. In any case, both kids are supposed to come up for a visit in two weeks. His daughter has always been on the straight-and-narrow. She has good grades, a job, respectful, etc. However, his son has been in a lot of trouble lately. He has been in a juvenile detention center four times already for various things - vandelism, stealing. Now, he is in there again because he "allegedly" assaulted a police officer at his school. He is in this detention center until his court date next week. Apparently, he was in a meeting with the school principal (a return from suspention meeting - he had been in a fight at school), and when they told him he had to return to class, he got angry and walked away. The school police officer grabbed his arm, and DH's son got mouthy with him and a "fight" ensued. Someone claims that DH's son tried to grab for the police officer's gun, even. There are many versions of the story. My DH keeps saying that he "doesn't believe the story" and "there's no way he did what they are saying." He also says that his son needs to get some respect and straighten up. Honestly, I think his son has absolutely no discipline because both parents have turned a blind eye to him his whole life. Case in point. My DH also says that he doesn't believe his son will be given any further harsh consequences besides the time he has already served in the juvenile detention center, and that he thinks all the time he is sitting in there "will be good for him." I have a young child myself, and I really don't want this kid to be staying in the same house with us when he visits. I know that sounds harsh, as a SM, but I don't feel safe! He obviously has issues that he needs to deal with/needs help with, and I'm very concerned about having him in our home for a lengthy visit (they are supposed to be here a month). What if he gets in trouble here? How will we handle police/arrests/court here? It's just too much.

Oh boy... Where to begin?

rms1388 — Wed, 15 May 2013 16:42:37 GMT

I need advice, encouragement, or suggestions. Can anybody help me?

I'm sorry if this is a lot of information at once, but I'm kind of freaking out.
So I've been with this guy, T, for about 9 months now. I met him online amidst a horrible break up with my previous boyfriend. We moved in together after only 2 months. I know, that's probably a red flag right there but I am very naive and we were connected on so many different levels that it just felt right and I didn't care what anyone thought. Obviously my family was against it. But everything has been GREAT since then. I've been happier than I've ever been in my life and so has he.

I was laid off from my job in February. So from that point on I relied on him for everything. Cell phone plan, clothes, food, etc.

Flash forward to Tuesday. We are woken up by the sound of someone drilling into our door. We run downstairs and the cops are outside and they said we are being evicted because T hadn't been paying his homeowners dues in 6 years. I had no idea. He said he knew he hadn't been paying but he didn't think it would get to this point. We had 15 minutes to pack what we could. Animal control came and took our precious cats and we went to a motel where we've been staying ever since. We've been trying to get back into the condo since we have no clean clothes anymore or anything. Just what we could fit in our backpacks.

At about 7pm tonight, T walked down the street to go get dinner. He was gone a really long time so I kept calling him and calling him. Finally someone answered and said "Arrested" and hung up. Obviously I'm panicking at this point. The next thing I know, his sister knocks on the door. Apparently he had texted his ex wife and said "I can't do this anymore" She called his sister, who came to the motel. As she was pulling into the parking lot he was being arrested for forging a prescription at the pharmacy right next door. I was not aware of any drugs he was taking as everything seemed completely fine and we were together every day, so I had no reason to believe he had any sort of problem. She also informed me that his ex wife had been giving him money for about a year and knew nothing about me. Basically he was living a double life because I had no idea about this. His sister said that this is typical T- acting like everything is fine when he has multiple versions of himself and lies and goes behind peoples backs. I also just found out that when he was married there was another woman in the picture and she may still be in the picture. So there's that. Anyways, she said they're not sure they will help him this time. Obviously this week has been extremely difficult for both of us but he made a horrible decision and now he is sitting in jail on a $20,000 bond with 3 felony charges including a warrant for not appearing at court in the past for I believe a DUI (could be another thing he lied about) so it could go up to 4 felony charges.

I have no money. No car. No job. I have literally nothing. My mom is beyond angry at me for putting myself in this position and I don't blame her. I know T never meant to hurt me but he did and I relied on him far too much and now I'm paying the price. I have to start my life over from scratch.

I KNOW I put myself in this situation. I made stupid choices. I made the choice to move in with someone I really did not know for very long. I made the choice to not look for a new job right away and let T take care of me. I've heard the lecture from my parents. This is a hard lesson to learn but now I know that I need to be able to take care of myself. I did not have a back-up plan because I was so sure this was going to work out.

I'm going to live with my aunt for awhile while I get back on my feet. I'm so thankful she's willing to help me out because I got myself here and nobody should be feeling the need to help.

Am I wrong for missing T and wanting to be with him even though he did all this? I know how it looks from the outside. It looks really, really bad. I know I shouldn't be with him. Plus he's looking at significant jail time and I don't have time to wait around for him... as much as I love him and want to be with him I have to move on with my life somehow. What he did is so wrong. Why didn't he come to me with how he was feeling? I'm so lost and confused.

I should also add that he tried to call me last night from jail but I didn't have a credit card so I couldn't accept the call. I guess he was allowed to text me since the call didn't go through and he said how sorry he was and how he's a complete loser but he really loves me. I texted him back just angry messages, he said he knows he messed up but he has to go and he loves me. I don't know if I should talk to him if I have a card and he calls me. My head is telling me no way, but my heart just wants to hear his voice.

But we just moved.... [Update]

SharpShooter85 — Mon, 13 May 2013 15:26:50 GMT

So my boyfriend and I recently moved in together like just over a week ago, and now because of where the place is, he wants to move. Our new place backs up to a main road that has almost constant traffic, and especially truck traffic. There is very little blockage from the road, we have a few trees, but there isn't nearly the amount we need nor is there a retaining wall. I don't notice the noise that much because I don't have an issue blocking the noise out. My bf, however is having a nightmare of a time trying to cope. We have slept in our bedroom maybe twice (the window faces that main road) but he hardly slept. Then we tried sleeping in the basement, which is creepy as heck for me, and cold (after talking to him, he didn't like sleeping there either). So last night we slept in the second bedroom where it faces our street which is a very quiet neighborhood street that dead ends two houses down. We talked for a little bit this morning before he went to work, and he said he slept better last night and it was nicer, but he said "I can't live here for a year." He told me that he didn't have an issue until we slept there the first night. Which made me feel a tiny bit better because that means he didn't have an issue and then not say anything to me.

Now to add to all this, he still has his old place, which is less then half the size of our current place. He still has his place because it would have cost too much to break his lease two months early, so he has that until June 30. But he has a business that he also runs out of his apartment, which takes up a lot of room. It is why we got the new place, so he could have the entire basement to run his business and do what he wants with it. He told me he wants to just move back into that place, and that was the first time I ever flat out said no to him. It is too small, and then I'm afraid that he will never want to leave. He has lived there for 6 years, so I understand that it is a place of comfort and security for him.

Please understand, we talk every day about this, and he sees a counselor on a regular basis. I will be going with him this week so we can talk about this with a third person in the room. I have talked to him about my fears of having something else happen with another place.

I love this new place, like really love it. I feel like I hit the kitchen lottery on this place. And it is so pretty and full of light here. I have told him that a part of me feels like no matter what we find, it will be a giant step down from this place, and then I will be miserable. He has been battling anxiety and depression since that first night. So I know we can't stay here for long term for his own mental and eventually physical health. Our relationship is solid, and I feel comfortable in saying that because we are in constant communication about this, and about every aspect in our lives and relationship. I know going to the counselor will help, but in the mean time (we see her on Wed) I'm afraid of saying things that will hurt his feelings and make him feel worse then he already does. He feels terrible that he is causing this to happen, but I know and tell him it isn't his fault and it isn't something he can help. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but it feels good to at least write about it.

UPDATE: So we went to counseling yesterday, and we were able to clear a few things up. What he was feeling like the entire burden of everything is on his shoulders, and he has a hard time reminding himself that he has another pair of shoulders to lean on (mine). I have told him repeatedly that I can ship items out for his business, which I have helped with before, but I don't know how to do it on my own because I've never been shown. Now finally I think he will hand the shipping reigns over to me, because not only will it help him with the business, but he hates shipping and I used to work for an online company that did a lot of shipping. So not only am I experienced in it, but I don't mind doing it. So that helped to figure that out, which will alleviate some of the stress he has about his business. Then we talked some more about the new place and right now the solution is, we will be sleeping in that second bedroom, and I can finally unpack. We will however continue to look for different places to live in the mean time. If we have to pack up again, then we have to unpack again. But he talked about us getting more bookshelves and media storage again yesterday, which sounds like no big deal, but he hasn't mentioned getting anything for the new place in quite some time. So we may go do that this weekend, which will be really nice. Things are getting better, and I feel like I'm less in limbo and can do things around the house. We have made progress, and I think he feels better with at least a decision being made, and we will make a solid effort to find somewhere else that we both love. We will be going back next week too just to keep things up. But that is all I have now! Thanks ladies.

wedding planning stressed dont know what to do

hyechica81 — Sat, 11 May 2013 14:07:07 GMT

so me and my fi are getting married next summer.. we put a 500 deposit down on the venue well he did 85.00 pp thats including tax its a 5 hour reception with full open bar cake dj and flower arangements are included in the package... money is super tight for me right now as my job cut my hours.. my fi thinks its up to me to supply all this money for the wedding he said hes only paying for his "guests" the wedding is more than guests its church, limo, photographer etc he said its 2,500 is going to have to cover his end and i have to come up with the rest we are inviting 130 people but know that not all will respond we need a minimum of 100 that would be 8500 for the reception venue only if only 100 responded.

i am just fusterated that hes only willing to give me 2,500 when he has a whole lot more money than that. he could pay for the whole thing if he wanted to but he refuses to. our deposit is non refundable so we would not get the 500 back.. i am wondering if we could change our package or not i know we signed a contract but i am unsure of those things

if anyone has signed a contract with a venue and then later change the package would love some feedback

Help! MIL's mental health issues breaking up marriage

kme380 — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:30:04 GMT

Okay, sorry this might be a little long, but I'm in desperate need of help here!!

My MIL is completely overbearing. Yes, I did know this from the very first day I met her, but I just accepted it as her personality and seemed to manage well being around her. She seemed nice enough to me, until we got engaged...

A bit of backstory. MIL has gone through A LOT of trauma in her life - she was physically abused and her twin sister was molested when they were young girls, the twin turned to drugs, and then ended up dying in a drunk driving accident. All horrible things. MIL had taken in the twin's two daughters when they were both very young. While she seems to love them, she makes resentful remarks to the effect of, "I regret that it wasn't just me, DH, and DS." Um, okay. I'm not in her shoes, so I can't say anything but... it just seems harsh.

Fast forward to now. The ILs have two vacation homes - one is a ski house the other is by the shore (for the summer). Well, when I met DH, he was spending just about every weekend in the summer and every weekend in the winter with his parents, his sister and her family at either one of these houses. At first, I'd go with him and it was kind fo fun to get away, but I began to miss my family and friends (due to traveling a lot for my job and working weird hours, it was really difficult for me to get out and see people during the week). Also, something in my gut was telling it was a little off to spend so much time with DH's family... at the time, couldn't really pinpoint why. I finally mentioned this to DH at the beginning of last summer, and it did change a little... we spent a couple of weekends with my friends and family.

Anyway, as soon as we got engaged, MIL's ugly comments started and she became much more manipulative. She has a "GS" from one of the twin's daughters. She is VERY attached to this boy and at the beginning of last summer, told me that she was going to "take GS as much as I can this summer, weeks if I can, because I have NEEDS and I need him to be with me." This following on the heels of her telling my mom she would be the favorite grandmother when we have kids... yikes.... a week before the wedding, I hosted a brunch for the bridesmaids, my mom and MIL. She made some comments about how she doesn't have babies "right now" but that she uses baby detergent anyway??? Then, she made a comment about how she didn't ever want to have to share GS with his other grandmother (FYI, there is nothing wrong with the other grandmother, I've met her a handful of times and she seems lovely). Just really ugly things to say.

I brought all of this up to DH and expressed how uncomfortable she was making me feel, plus considering how much time we spend at their homes. He told me I was just being oversensitive. I really don't think so, so I ended up seeking out counseling for myself. The therapist told me that, given her history, it sounds like she is trying to "hoard" her family members in an effort to protect them from perceived harm - similar to what she went through and that this pattern will continue until either she, or DH gets help to see through what she is trying to accomplish here.

Okay, so I brought this back to DH and he flipped out. He said I was attacking his mother, that I was the one with the problem and has suggested I read MIL/DIL books so that I can get along with her better. Meanwhile, he told his mother that I was offended by her comments so she is also reading these types of MIL/DIL books. But... that's not the issue!!!!

My concern here is that this woman is very mentally unhealthy. It's masking itself as being functional because she's been able to keep her son and adopted daughters glommed on to her for so long that nobody else sees it. Like I said, she is extremely manipulative and I feel as though she has set up a situation right now where, if DH and I were to have kids, my family (and probably even me!) would be nudged out.

Not sure what to do - I'm on the verge of divorcing him because I feel like he's completely unable to see my perspective and will always defend MIL over me, in this and future issues.

That didn't last long.

ReturnOfKuus — Thu, 09 May 2013 21:08:17 GMT

Did the woman who was having lackluster sex with her husband after starting ttc and catching him (probably) cheating get a response from anyone other than me?

profile on a cheating website

coffeelovergirl — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 13:45:12 GMT

I am writing this post as an AE since I am too embarrassed to write under my normal sn

Thank you in advance for any advice - I don't normally post on this board

My discovery started because I have been having some trust issues related to MH and money. He had some charges on a Home Depot card that showed up on a credit check (we are applying for a house). He swore they were inaccurately reported so we challenged them through the credit companies. This is why I was poking in his email.....

I see in one of his folders titled "random" 3 emails from cheatingwives.com from Jan 2013. Normally I would see this type of stuff and think it was junk but it had been moved to a new folder and read by him so my alerts went off. In the email there was a login and password so I went to the site. I could tell that the profile on the site was created by him. The site states that all activity is deleted w/in 30 days and it didn't look like he had used it in the past 30 days. But the emails were from January so anything that might've existed in January would all be deleted by now.

I immediately confronted him and he said that the profile was created by him one night when he was looking for porn and hoping to find something on that website. We argued all night with him desperately apologizing and saying it was just a stupid nothing.

I have never suspected him of cheating but and my gut tells me to believe him when he says it is nothing but my head is telling me that that is really dumb - the proof was right there in front of my face. After he fell asleep I searched through his entire iphone and computer and didn't find anything else suspicious.

This morning he called me from work and says he feels like he can't function with the thought that I might think he cheated. I told him that I just wanted him to tell me the truth about everything and what else is he lying about? He says nothing. So I again asked him about the Home Depot charges and he admitted that it wasn't inaccurate reporting - he says that he purchased some things on the card for his employer (he is in construction) and then spent the reimbursement instead of paying off the card. He finally paid the card late, hence it showing up on the credit report. So I'm furious - because in the span of 2 minutes he insists there are no more secrets and I then confront him on something else he's lying about (I set it up that way on purpose). I told him that he needs to think about the subject longer and come clean with everything he's been keeping secret if he even wants a chance for our marriage to last.

So, maybe I'll have more updates to this post - but I'm wondering what thoughts everyone has

To be honest I love him and I don't want to end our marriage. I just don't know what to do

married to a man unwilling to try

cnewme2013 — Wed, 08 May 2013 01:47:44 GMT

Hi. I'm new to the nest. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have 2 kids (age 2 and 9mths).

In the beginning of our relationship & marriage we were super in love. Typical honeymoon stage - we did everything together. We married young while still in college.

During that time, though, there were many red flags that I ignored. The biggest being the multiple people who warned me or tried to alert me of how unhealthy the relationship seemed to be for me.

DH is not a bad guy at all and means very well in all that he does. However, he has always been extremely irresponsible.

*Failed out of 3 different schools and owes money to all of them.

*Has never paid through the end of a contract on his own without going into debt or having myself or his parents bail him out (bank accounts, studen loans, phone contracts, etc.)

*Has failed to apply for a new/replacement drivers license for 3 years.

*Just got fired from his job at a church for not showing up on time repeatedly, missing a couple of services and not being prepared.

We went to counseling. He stopped attending with me but I have been attending on my own. It was suggested by his primary care and by our therapist that he see a psychiatrist because he has been dealing with some pretty extreme depression. That was back in January. His primary care dr. sat with him as he finaly scheduled an appointment but he canceled it at the last minute.

HIm going to this appointment was so vital to us keeping out marriage together because I felt like if he was at least officially diagnosed and maybe had some medication to help him get into a better mental state, there would be some hope for our relationship and our family.

I am now at a loss for what to do. I want to do the best for my girls and for myself. Any advice?

So now what...

Luv2BMrsH — Mon, 06 May 2013 18:16:53 GMT

I am going to try to make the story short.

Married since 2009, had a baby in 2010. DH has never been lovey dovey but enough to make me happy. In the past year or 2 our sex life has gone from ok to BAD! And he barely notices me. We fight a lot about it, I am always the one that starts everything in the bedroom. He comes home from work and barely says hello, once in a while he will kiss me and most of the time is because I ask for it. We don't cuddle in the sofa watching TV anymore and when he goes to bed he's so tired he passes out super fast and maybe I get a kiss good night.

I am 30 he is 43. I understand he has a very demanding job so I am not asking that we do it everyday, but we do it maybe twice a month...

We fight a lot about this and he always makes it my problem, "I am emotionally immature" (because I get upset that he doesn't kiss me good night, or when he comes home), I just want to acknowledged. He says "it's not in him" I know he's not romantic and lovey but he used to be better at it than now and I was happy with that. He says "I put too much pressure on him when it come to sex"... Is it that hard to have sex with me???? I am fit and keep myself looking good, I am the same size I was before I got pregnant!!

And the last thing he said yesterday during our fight was "I guess I am not the guy for you"

I don't know where to go from here. I think I deserve better, but we have a daughter together and I would hate to do that tower because I am not happy in my marriage, then in the other side I think if I am miserable that's all my daughter is going to see and what kind of example I am giving her.

I am so confused and scared. This morning I suggested therapy/counseling and he refuses.

not putting out enough apparently...

kellijd — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 03:27:02 GMT

My hubby and I have been together nearly 6 years, married for 2. We got together our first year of college, and have been inseparable ever since.

During the first few years of our relationship, we had sex almost daily. Over the last 2-3 years, it has slowed down to about 2-3 days per week (just depending on our busy schedules) and DH is furious over this. It has put a strain on our relationship for at least a year. He constantly picks fights with me over our lack of sex we have.

He says he wants, or needs actually, sex daily... I work full time, exercise daily, then come home clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry ect. Then I am expected by DH, to put out. Don't get me wrong, I do like to have sex; though not nearly as often as DH (i would be happy with 1-2 days per week in case anyone is wondering lol) When I tell him no, or go right to sleep, he gets pouty, and whiny... and accuses me of no longer loving him or being attracted to him.

To be honest, his behavior almost makes me resent him; and makes me not want to have sex with him at all. At this moment in time (in my more than irritated mood), I would be fine not having sex with him ever again. I feel annoyed even thinking about it. I feel like all he wants from me is sex; like I am being used. He works full time as well, but usually comes home and plays video games, or goes shooting with his buddies. I appreciate the hard work he puts in, but I feel like he expects me to be this perfect working, cleaning, laundry doing, sex goddess wife, while he sits around and wants to be pampered. I cant do it all!

I have tried and explain this all to him. On multiple occasions. He is the type of person who shuts down and becomes completely defensive; he will not open up and talk to me about it in a calm manner whatsoever. I have brought up marriage counseling but he is extremely hesitant to this (not to mention I am not sure we could afford it right now).

I am basically at a loss! Talking to friends I feel like having sex 2-3 times per week is great. Just not great enough for him. I do not understand why he is so hung up on this one issue that I truly feel is causing demise in our once very happy marriage. I feel like if I force myself to have sex with him daily, I will just resent him even more.

We bicker every once in awhile over the stupidest things, like him not helping me with house work, or not cleaning up after himself, but we usually get passed that fairly quick. This one issue is tearing us apart though. I know I still love him. And occasionally I remember what our relationship was like before all of this tension and I miss it. I just want to go back to what we used to be, but I am really loosing hope. I feel so distanced from him. I want to go back to being best friends, but I dont know how.

Am I being totally unfair? Any advice?

Am I over-reacting?

duchess32x@aol.com — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:03:41 GMT

We temporarily have some friends who are a married couple living with us. I was hesitant about doing this from the get-go because I'm not a huge fan of Mr Roommate. I adore Mrs Roommate, and I felt bad for their situation though and so we allowed them to move in when they asked.

Things have been going ok over the past 3 months...not great, but ok... until this past weekend. Mrs. Roommate got caught holding my DH's hand and putting her head on his shoulder all while telling him what a good person he was in a drunken heart to heart talk at 5am while everyone else was in bed and DH was on the verge of passing out. She also took it upon herself to take pictures (G rated) of him falling asleep at the table and before that, trim his moustache and goatee...She also felt the need to tell my other friend who was visiting from out of town that her husband was "hot" and while practically sitting on his lap, rub his back and upper thigh.

DH says he was so drunk he didn't know what was going on and doesn't remember any of it and assures me that nothing ever has or would happen between them. He agrees that if the situation were reversed, he would be hurt too. In the 7 years he and I have been together, he's never so much as checked out another girl in front of me. No jealousy, no cheating and complete trust, until now.

I'm livid with both her and my husband and want to throw Mr and Mrs Roommates out, like, yesterday. I feel like she disrespected me and my friend and not only crossed the line, but stomped all over it. I feel like no good is going to come from them staying any longer because I can't trust her and am questioning what kind of friend she even is and clearly, have some issues to work out with my husband. Problem is, when I say all this outloud, I feel like it sounds trivial, and I'm sure it is to some with real infidelity problems. Its too close for my comfort to real infidelity problems for my liking. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Or should they be out on their asses ASAP?

Thanks for your help, Nesties :)

I feel like the man and the women

Kims9145 — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 01:03:12 GMT

I've been getting very frustrated with my husband lately. I have not only been doing the house renovations but also all the cooking cleaning. Last weekend I was the one that went Home Depot and bought the mulch and put it down in the front yard. I then came inside and vacuumed and cleaned and changed the sheets. My husband is in graduate school working on his PhD and is constantly busy. we are lucky to spend two nights a week together. When he has free time he likes to play video games or handout rather work on the house or do chores. I get frustrated because I work hard as a teacher too, and still take care of things that needs to get done. He's not ungrateful or expects me to have these things done. I'm the one that puts the pressure on myself to have a nice house. I've tried not being as uptight about everything but it just ends up frustrating me more. ( I can only take dishes in the sink for do many days!) I'm proud of our house and want it to look its best. ( No one wants to be THAT house in the neighborhood) I think it comes down to that we just value different things. Guess I'm asking if anyone has any advice for how to breach this difference in values? I love my husband very much but I find myself getting frustrated and short tempered with him recently. Thanks for your time and suggestions. I promise I'm not as crazy as I sound... Or maybe it just takes putting it down in writing.

Husband's drunken one night stand...

babyfreund — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 01:20:14 GMT

Last night I went to bed and to my surprise, I found my husband's phone on my side of the bed. I decided to check it. To my surprise I found a few text messages from one of his coworkers. She "couldn't wait to see him after work" and my husband responded with "Getting appliances tonight. Sorry hunny." I immediately woke him and demanded an answer.

I got my answer alright... The reason why he was going to go over to her place was because SHE IS PREGNANT!

It started on New Year's Eve when he went out. I stayed in because I had to work the next morning and had to take care of our 14 month old. Well... they got "too" drunk and had sex...twice. He didn't want to tell me in fear of me leaving him.

So now we are almost done with March and I am being told that I am going to be a stepmom to my husband's love child! It took everything in me to not punch him. I just do not understand.

My husband and his coworker went to the doctor's today to see when the baby is due. Right around the time when our son turns 2.

Here's some background info... After my husband and I got back from Vegas (where we just got married on 12/12/12), he was told, from higher management, that there were rumors floating around that him (3rd shift manager) and one of his staff were having relations. He denied it. He came home and told me what was up and denied it as well. So he was being forced to take a $10,000 pay cut, per year, to be relocated on days as a normal stocker. And I thought that was a blow to the face!

Now, back to the present... I am completely devastated. I was only married for not even 3 weeks when he cheated; now 3 months into our marriage I am being told I am going to be a stepmom.

I am completely torn. I don't know what to do. Do I leave him? Stay? What about this child? The mother wants it. Which means, more than likely, so will my husband. I don't want this child. I know I am being completely selfish and I know that this child didn't ask to be in this situation. I just want my family back.

What do I do? I need help. Thanks!

Just a Phase?

tatedarrow — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 23:50:27 GMT

My husband and I have been together for going on seven years, but we have only been married for a couple of months. Before we were married, we were living together, had a joint bank account, had had the children talk, etc. We always joked about how we were already married, we just didn't have the piece of paper to prove it. For the past week or so, we have been fighting nonstop. We never fight, have trust issues, or really any problems. Nothing should have changed, so why does it feel like everything has?

Loving an Addict (loooong)

Allisky — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 20:39:13 GMT

A little back-story: My husband and I are high school sweethearts, we have been together for 11 years married for almost 5. One year in college he experimented with drugs, alcohol and pills. I was completely clueless to this because he kept it a good secret. He came to me about it and he cleaned up and we went to addiction counseling together. Things were good. Over the next couple years before being married, he started to get panic attacks and had bad anxiety to where he was put on medication. After we were married his medications kept growing and he started abusing multiple varieties of anxiety pills, and pain pills. Off and on it was a problem, him not being 100% himself at times, and the lies that came with the addiction to them. During one of his sober months, I was ignorant to the fact that he would stay sober and we got pregnant and had a baby girl July 2011. During my pregnancy he over medicated himself with pills and I heard every story in the book of him going to stop and he would, but then over medicate again. Because of the amounts he was taking then going cold turkey constantly, he had a seizure November 2011 and was confronted by his doctor with me in the room that he had been seeing two different doctors getting multiple prescriptions. He went into an out-patient rehab for 2 months and then a continuing program for another 4. Those 6 months were great for him, cost us a lot of money, the best 6 months of him actually being himself and sober but yet he was depressed. His doctor put him on an anti seizure med, different anxiety meds and pills for depression. Things were getting better and he was not abusing his prescriptions. I thought the seizure was finally the wake-up call he needed and that we could move forward. We had to fly out of state for a funeral in May and he flew back 2 days early because he couldn’t miss work. When I and the baby got home I caught him with prescriptions for pain meds, muscle relaxers, ADD and anxiety. He claimed of hurting his back. The relapses continued. He would go to an addiction recovery meeting here and there but continued to relapse at least every other month. He said he was majorly depressed and took a leave of absence from work. During this time he continued to over medicate. Only after 4 days back at work, in October, he had another seizure, this time while he was driving and totaled our car. Thankfully no one was hurt except bruising and cuts on himself from the impact hitting a wall. Reasoning behind this seizure was a certain pain med. Because of his aches and pains from the accident his doctor added different pain meds and put him back on the anti-seizure med. He abused the pain med to no end to where towards the end, I would have to just step over him passed out on the floor for 7 days straight. When his doctor finally said he would no longer prescribe it to him, he checked himself into a detox center and they released him after 3 days. We started seeing a marriage counselor and he went to AA meetings. I caught him multiple times with the same pills that caused his seizure, saying that they were left over ones that he kept. It has been a never ending battle with this addiction and only after 2 months of seeing the marriage counselor together he wouldn’t go. He has stopped going to meetings, not a counselor for himself, nothing. He has now turned to alcohol, cigarettes, tobacco and smoking these “herbs” that he gets at a smoke shop for two months now. He will use up his entire anxiety meds in one week then wait until he can get another refill. All the meetings I have been too and professionals I talk to say there is nothing I can do, not to enable, so I don’t. I just want to know when do I end things when I know it’s the pills that’s making him this way not him? Where is my breaking point when at least one week out of every month I have to live like I’m a single mom, seeing him passed out, acting like a zombie and cleaning up the insane amounts of messes he makes because he is intoxicated? I am always mad, ignore him when he is on too many meds and I’m resentful when he is not abusing them for the time being. When he is not on meds he wants us to be happy and gets mad at me for not being nice to him and trying to control him. He acts like the problems we have are separate from his addiction. He says he wants us to work things out and that I need to work on myself. Lately our screaming matches are every morning in the car when I have to take him to work because we only have one car now. I feel like I cannot forgive anymore and don’t feel that he is even sorry for all that he has put our family through. He is my everything and the love of my life and have built this life of 11 years together. When he is not relapsing I want to be with him and he is the best father to our girl. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

DH being unsupportive

verovladamir — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 16:47:19 GMT

We have been married for almost 3 years, together for 6. We have two kids, a 2-year-old boy and a 2-month-old girl, both planned pregnancies.

Basically, I'm really unhappy. Probably for a number of reasons, the latest of which is due to childcare issues.

DH works 2nd shift, 2-11pm. I work two days/week, from 11a-8p and 8a-5p. We send our son to day care all day, even though he gets picked up by grandparents at 3:30. DH stays home by himself that whole time. So we are paying for daycare all day when we only need 1.5 hours. He wanted to do the same with our daughter, but kept complaining about how expensive it would be. I finally told him that we should just keep her home and find some one for that hour and a half rather than paying $60 for all day. He suggested that I quit my job instead.

Now he is home with DD two days a week. Mondays for about 4 hours and Thursdays for about 6 hours. During this time, he will call me at least twice to complain about how DD won't sleep (usually during times that are not her normal nap time). I get numerous texts complaining about how she cries when he sets her down. His main complaint is that he no longer has his personal time (which he used to play video games). He whines about it constantly.

He is only watching one of the two kids. I don't trust him to take care of both. Whenever he had DS alone as a baby he would just take him over to his parents house to have his mother watch the baby. I found out last week that he left DD with his dad while he went home to eat lunch (when I called he told me she was napping). He doesn't seem to want to be around our children, often asking me to take them out of the house to run errands while he stays home.

This is only the latest in a series of issues including lying about paying bills (he hid from me that we were over 8 months behind on my student loans, so he has completely ruined my credit history).

I am getting really fed up and I don't know what to do. He refuses to get help for what I'm pretty sure is a pathological lying issue. He lies about stupid things that don't even matter, and big things that really do (like paying the rent). He won't get couples counseling either. I'm fighting my urge to throw around the D word. I don't use it lightly, but things suck and he doesn't seem to want to fix any of them.

online sex sites

FromCTtoCA — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 17:25:18 GMT

found evidence that dh (if i can call him that) has been talking to and trading pictures with other people. the emails i found are so upsetting and one says lets meet at a hotel. im beyond upset. he had just talked to people to get naked pictures he says to jerk off with that was before we had kids early on in our marriage and now that its been 8 years and 1 3year old and im 7 weeks pg i come across it again and im totally disgusted, upset and mad!! I don't know what to do now

When Porn Crosses the Line

DrDiega — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:48:11 GMT

My husband of a year and a half has been chatting with strangers he meets on tagged.com. He says it's not cheating but interactive porn...what do you think?

Quick survey: who is right?

CowgirlK39 — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 20:13:36 GMT

We live in a duplex, in the upstairs apartment. Our neighbor is pretty BSC and we tend to have a lot of problems with her. We came home today from visiting H's parents for Easter to find the our neighbor had set up an egg hunt for her kids and family. H realized she had placed a number of eggs on things that belonged to us, such as his truck, our grill, and a few other things. H got mad and moved them, then stood outside, chatting with her sons father and making sure no one touched our stuff. I told him he was being ridiculous and while that was kind of rude for her to put them on our things, it wasn't a huge deal.

So quick survey: who was right here? Should she not have put them on our stuff or was H being ridiculous?

Did he cheat?

Calypso312 — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 23:55:15 GMT

I recently discovered that my H struck up a relationship with another woman. He swears they never had sex and I'm not sure if I believe that or not. But it doesn't matter. He lied to me on more than one occasion so he could spend time with her. He told me he was working and he helped her move to another town. She had a car accident one night when I was out of town and he went to the hospital to be with her. He emailed her and told her she was a priority in his life. He says it's not cheating because they never had sex. At this point I wish it had been just sex. I'm afraid he has fallen in love with her. But now she doesn't want anything to do with him. We are separated right now and I'm trying to sort through things. Is there any way to salvage my marriage? We have a 3 year old and a 3 month old. I don't want to let my family fall apart.

He No Longer Want to Have Children. . . Help

blroed01 — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 15:24:21 GMT

I have been married for almost 2 years to my husband and together 7 years. We started dating when we were both college students and have had a fun, adventurous, and loving relationship during that time. He recently told me he is unsure that he wants to have children, despite us always wanting them and discussing them into our future plans. I am not sure if it is b/c the majority of our friends are still younger (young to mid 20’s) and still do not have significant others or children and he does not want to give up that lifestyle. We have always agreed that we would have children 3-5 years after we got married so we could continue to travel, and have that care free life style; etc. And maybe he will change his mind but I don’t want to wait 3-4 years for him to make up his mind especially if he refuses to change it.

We are going to set some time aside within the next few weeks to discuss, but if he truly feels that way idk if I want to stay with him. I know that sounds horrible but I want to have children. I want to be prepared for our talk so your advice would be helpful.

husband and best friend issues

leigheflin — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 15:16:27 GMT

Hi there- So, my husband (whom I love very very much) and my best friend (whom I have known since I was 12 yrs old... and have talked to probably every other week since then, at minimum!), do not get along. They both have pointed out flaws they see in each other to me- which I have had to ask politely (and sometimes in a frustrated tone) for them to stop. It has been awkward since our wedding (last june). Now my best friend just had a child, which I am the godmother- and at first my husband was telling me to go visit solo, but then we together decided when we could go together in May bc he also wanted to come (my family also lives in her area). In the meantime we have been planning to go see his mother -who lives overseas- and there has been some shifting around of these dates, but we finally settled this and are going at beginning of May. So now, bc we cannot really go overseas and on a domestic trip right after one another, my husband now does not want us to go see my best friend- he says it can wait... she is moving soon and so I wanted ot get there sooner than later to meet my godson and visit with her before she moves across the country. He is now being completely unreasonable. Sometimes he is so comforting and awesome and other times (like now) he is controlling. I told him that when he tells me I cannot do something that it is controlling and he got very upset with me. But it is true. I want to hop on a plane next weekend to go see my best friend and I know he is going to blow up if I mention this... There are other complicated issues to this - my best friend changed the date of her christening to a date that I cannot attend (which he thinks is not nice and is her way of controlling sitautaions- but really she did it bc she is moving and wants to do it in her church). And now, with all of this I cannot go to the christening.. which is fine, but I would like to see her anyway.. although I have been trying not leave him out bc he is beign so weird. But why does he even care if I go alone to visit her if he doesnt even like her anyway?? I dont know how to get what I want here- and the problem is not only that I want to visit her, it is that I dont like that he is telling me I can't. I don't understand that at all.. he has never done it before. He told me he is saying this bc of financial reasons (which is true bc we are flying overseas soon, but really I think we have enough money for a domestic flight), but he said it is also on principle. Well, i just dont see why he is punishing me bc he doesnt like her... Ugh! Please help me- how do I approach him now to discuss this trip which I would really like to make in an upcoming weekend? Thank you for your advice.. anything would help!

Fighting about sex (UPDATED)

anonomity — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 15:12:45 GMT

Hello all. I am not a regular poster here, but need some advice.

The long story short: DH and I have been together for nearly 6 years, marred for 4. In the early years of our relationship, we had sex nearly every day, sometimes multiple times per day. By the time we got married, we were probably having sex 2-3 times per week.

Then we started TTC. It took us almost 1.5 years and multiple pregnancy losses to get pregnant with our DD. Sex became painful for me during pregnancy and continued to be painful after delivery. We didn't successfully have sex (intercourse) for over a year. We did, however, fight a LOT about sex. Finally, in July 2012, I was diagnosed with vaginismus and began physical therapy and emotional therapy to help me recover. DH also started therapy and we did marriage counseling a few times.

By November 2012 I was able to have sex again, and was released from physical therapy because I was "cured". I also stopped going to individual therapy because we were paying out-of-pocket, it was expensive, and I didn't feel like it was helping me any more.

Since then, DH and I have been having sex 1-2 times per month. Sex is still painful for me at times and requires a lot of mental preparation and relaxation for me to enjoy it even a little. DH wants sex much more frequently than I do, which is leading to continued fighting between us. He obsesses over how much sex we are (not) having, sulks and pouts when more than a week or two passes with no sex, which causes me to feel pressured to "perform" which makes me want sex even less. Don't get me wrong, I want to want to have sex with DH, but with everything that has happened, I just don't want it very often. Plus, at this point in our lives, we have a toddler who still wakes 1-4 times per night (and I am the one getting up with her all night long), I work 2 part-time jobs and stay home with DD the rest of the time, and with all of that, I am flat-out exhausted most of the time. Sex feels like a chore and something I have to do to keep DH happy, instead of something that is carefree and fun like it used to be. DH wants things to go back to the way "we used to be". I think its unrealistic at this point in our lives to expect sex multiple times per week, and just want to find a middle ground where we aren't fighting all the time.

I'm sorry that is so long. I just don't know where to go from here. I have been to various doctors who have told me I've healed normally from delivery, and that medically nothing is wrong. I'm frustrated that this continues to be such an issue for DH and I. I feel like this is just a phase, and that things will continue to improve and this too shall pass, but DH is obviously miserable and our marriage is definitely suffering. He says he would never leave me over this, but I hate living like this, constantly stressing about him being mad at me because I can't/don't have sex enough.

I guess I don't even know what I am asking. Has anyone been through something similar? What did you do to get your sex lives back in sync?

Where do we go from here?

UPDATE: So, we had another terrible, gigantic fight last night. DH refuses to go to marriage counseling because "talking won't fix it". He says this is my problem, and if its not a physical problem then its a mental problem and that he doesn't think going to marriage counseling will help that. I told him if he wants this marriage to work, we need to be doing something. He had no response, and no suggestions. I am beyond upset and frustrated, and feel completely helpless. I don't know what else to do.

DH doesn't want kids

worldtraveler815 — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 01:44:23 GMT

For background, DH and I have been married for 9 years and I was 23 when we got married and he was 27. We discussed kids during our engagement and both agreed that we would only have 1. We even talked about ideal names for the child and how our child would probably think we were dorks for marrying our high school sweethearts. The only thing we didn't talk about was when to have kids and early on in our marriage, I never brought it up.

Fast forward to 2 or 3 years ago, DH asks me when we're at dinner that "since we're not having kids, who are going we going to leave our money/inheritance to?" and when others ask us about kids/future plans, he tells them that we have our cats. He never asked me if I had changed my mind about having children. I did make some grumbling remarks about how annoying it is that I had to cover for several women on my team, who each took a 6-8 month maternity leave, without any additional help. I would occasionally remark on how annoying some people's kids are but I never once said no kids. I sat there stunned, but I didn't say anything since I didn't want to cause issues in our marriage and I thought that perhaps having a child is something I can live without.

Fast forward to today and I know that I want to have one child. I think of my life without a child and get sad and it's to the point where I cry whenever a friend or coworker announces her pregnancy. I'm also starting to resent my husband and I get grumpy with him and he doesn't even realize why.

I know I need to have a serious discussion with him but I'll admit that I'm scared. I'm afraid of rejection and that he'll say he's never changing my mind and then I'll have to make a hard decision between leaving him or staying and never having children. I do feel like it's unfair that he changed his mind without ever discussing with me. I'm 31 and turning 32 so I feel like this can't drag on forever. Any suggestions on how to bring this up with him?