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07-02-2009 at 8:18 AM
FLVintageB...
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FLVintageBride is not online. Last active: 11-07-2009, 8:44 PMSilver

Need Advice Re: A Friend in Need

My bestfriend from childhood lives in FL (I'm in DC) and has been hit really hard by the current economy.  She is married with a 1.5 year old son.  Her husband just finished his studies to become an electrician last year, just in time for the bottom to fall out of the housing market there.  He was laid off and has been unable to find steady work since.  She is fortunate to have a secure job, though one that is high stress, and he works nights at Walgreens, but they are having a hard time scraping by.  Add in that they live in a neighborhood that has one of the highest rates of foreclosures in the country and they are now seriously upside down in their mortgage. 

Then throw in a dash or two of her father having heart surgery, his grandfather battling cancer, and the realization that it is going to be a long time before they can afford to have another child or for her to transition into a job that she enjoys and is less stressful, and she seems to be on the brink of collapse. 

I was just talking on the phone with her a few minutes ago and I asked her how she was doing emotionally and the line went dead silent.  After a minute of trying to discern if she was still there I hung up. 

I feel absolutely awful for what she is going through and want so badly to be there for her but I just don't know what to do.  Besides being so far away, MH and I have been pretty much unaffected by the economy ::knock on wood:: so I feel like any empathy I try to show just comes across as fake.  I know that she is bearing the weight of supporting her husband through his deep depression and that there really isn't anyone looking out for her sanity and well-being.  She really seems to be unraveling and I want so badly to help and be supportive but I don't know what to say or do.  Even when I just listen while she vents she ends up closing up b/c she feels guilty for bending my ear no matter how much I tell her I really don't mind.

I know there isn't a magical solution, but if anyone has been through something similar and some sage advice, I appreciate suggestions. 

Lilypie 
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07-02-2009 at 8:23 AM
kris216
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FLVintageBride:

I was just talking on the phone with her a few minutes ago and I asked her how she was doing emotionally and the line went dead silent.  After a minute of trying to discern if she was still there I hung up. 

I think I would start by trying to call her back.  Or send her an email saying that you're concerned because the line went dead and that you want to talk to her / help her out.

And while you can't show empathy because you're not in her same situation, you should be able to at least show sympathy.  

Can you go visit her?  Even a weekend of help with the kids, taking her to lunch or to a spa visit, etc. might help.   Or send her a GC for a massage, or get all of your friends together and chip in on a giant GC to the grocery store or Target or something.
 
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07-02-2009 at 8:24 AM
6fsn
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I'd ask about a company EAP or if there is any professional she can/would see.  The only thing you can really do is listen.  I'm sure that's all she expects too.
 
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07-02-2009 at 8:25 AM
Derniermot
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call her back and just tell her that you care about her and her family and that you dont know what to say. sometimes thats all you can do.

send her a gift cards for 2 places (a) the spa (b) the grocery store. Dont tell her you are going to do this b/c then she will try to talk you out of it.
 
 
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07-02-2009 at 8:27 AM
mrsmiller0...
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I would send her a gift certificate for a spa visit, like pp said.  That'll give her a few hours of relaxing and "me" time.  I would also make sure to call and check in on her weekly.
Pregnancy Ticker 
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07-02-2009 at 8:33 AM
FLVintageB...
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kris216:
 

Can you go visit her?  Even a weekend of help with the kids, taking her to lunch or to a spa visit, etc. might help.   Or send her a GC for a massage, or get all of your friends together and chip in on a giant GC to the grocery store or Target or something.

I was just talking to MH and that was the first thing he suggested.  I don't know why I didn't think of it.  I guess I haven't been in "traveling" mode since I've been PG, but it could be the best thing.  If I just send her a gift card to a spa (which I've done before) she'll probably never go.  I might have to fly down there and drag her to one myself.

Lilypie 
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07-02-2009 at 8:45 AM
Melanie200...
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I am anti-gc to a spa. i've received so many over the years, and while it's always nice, it also costs me a tip that is generally heavy. I have a gc for Bliss, and I was thinking about using it for a mani/pedi - $90, then I need to tip around $20...well, for $20 i can get a mani/pedi at my regular old nail place. and a massage will not make her problems disappear, and she may not even have the time to do this, or may feel guilty indulging in this.

i'd send gc for groceries, or just gifts in general - some clothing for her child, a shirt for her that you say you saw and thought of her...even gc for target because she can get so much there. send a heartfelt note that you are thinking of her and you love her.
 
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07-02-2009 at 9:24 AM
kris216
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Melanie2003:

I am anti-gc to a spa. i've received so many over the years, and while it's always nice, it also costs me a tip that is generally heavy.

Good point; I hadn't thought of that.  Then I recommend a grocery GC or a visit.
 
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07-02-2009 at 9:52 AM
smiles4ya
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Grocery gift card

:(  sad deal


Pregnancy Ticker 
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07-02-2009 at 10:25 AM
Penelopele...
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PenelopelePhew is not online. Last active: 11-06-2009, 2:48 PMNewbie
I'm a big fan of the grocery or Target GC.  Sometimes I send them anonymously to avoid anyone feeling bad.
 
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07-02-2009 at 10:41 AM
nejball
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I have been this friend for the last three years while managing DH's  mental illness. My friends support me in different ways. Do one or more of these things:

1. Keep listening and don't judge. Read up on mental illness so that you can discuss options with her.

2. Relay your own problems to her so she knows your life isn't perfect.

3. Send a grocery gift card. It's such a relief to know you can get groceries without cutting out something else.

4. Tell her not to be ashamed of her husband's depression. I told a bunch of people so that they would know why I was acting weird.

5. Send her a book or a magazine subscription if she likes to read. She can lose herself in that when things get stressful.

You're a good friend!

 
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