< Previous topic | Next topic >

All Boards > Family Matters

Sort:
07-07-2009 at 11:54 PM
nmmsest06
Not Ranked
Joined on 02-05-2009
446 Posts
10,780 Points
nmmsest06 is not online. Last active: 11-21-2009, 3:59 PMNewbie

XP: I feel so helpless! (long)

I don't usually post here but I need some input.

 

 

Backstory: Lil sis is 19. She's always had issues with my parents. Some typical teen issues, discipline issues, money issues, etc... She has recently moved out of my parents' house for the second time, and in with her BF, whom no one in the family really likes.

So Sunday my older sis called me and asked if I would go along with her to talk to LS. OS was right around the corner from my house, so she basically backed me into a corner. I went with her. We talked to LS. Actually, OS did most of the talking. I sat quietly most of the time, only saying a few things about making sure she's doing what she wants to do career-wise. Her BF is controlling her, so she thinks she can only do whatever he approves of. I also did agree with OS when she said we were worried about her being emotionally abused, and possibly physically too. She confirmed the emotional abuse, but denied any physical. 

OS is very confrontational so she did more yelling than talking. I sat calmly to the side and only interjected when I felt it was necessary. Don't get me wrong, I am worried for LS, but I don't like the way OS decided to "talk" to LS. OS had tried to get LS to stay at her house for the week to clear her head and do some thinking. LS of course kept refusing. Then OS emphasized tha LS would have alot of alone time while OS is at work. LS broke dow, She said she couldn't be left alone because she was having suicidal thoughts. So I suggested she go to the hospital to get some help. My family has a history of mental issues and this admission had me really worried about her.

We let her make the choice, and she wanted to go to the hospital, We were hoping it would give her some good time away from her BF. He's been there every day though. From what I can tell, he somehow is convincing her she needs him. I really do think there is emotional abuse there, and even possibly physical. 

So I find out from OS today that LS should be released tomorrow. She is going back to live with her BF again. This is upsetting to me, but I realize I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. So I call her to see how she's doing. She confides in me that her BF proposed tonight. She told me not to tell. 

So now I feel helpless. I worry that she is making a huge mistake. She said they wouldn't get married right away, but sometime in the future. They are talking about getting a bigger place in a year. They currently live in a 1BR apt with his mom. In a bigger place, she would still live with them, but it would be THEIR place, not hers. LS already gets into arguments with her. I told her to just be cautious and think long and hard before jumping in. Really I wanted to reach through the phone and shake her. 

She once had dreams of medical school. Now she hasn't even started any kind of college. Her BF had given her the choice of a car or school. By doing so, he's trying to control her. 

There are alot more issues, and I could go on and on. But my main point is that she told me about this proposal and it has my stomach in knots. I can't break my promise not to tell, but I feel like I should do something to keep her from making a big mistake. And I feel like this proposal was just another move on his part to further control her. I don't know what to do. Is there even anything that I can do?


 
Report
Reply Quote
07-08-2009 at 2:13 AM
TurnerKE
Not Ranked
Joined on 02-19-2008
128 Posts
2,259 Points
TurnerKE is not online. Last active: 11-02-2009, 10:09 PMNewbie

It's good that you're trying to help. Would she be open to seeing a counselor and could you help her find a way to pay for it? Some religious groups provide free counseling for members...

Could you help her apply to colleges and for financial aid? Or even just get her to take a class at the community college - you could take something fun with her....

I'm not sure if the best way to help is to be her friend and build up her confidence (so that his attacks will seem insane to her) or if you should be confronting her with your concerns continually. Personally, I'd probably focus on being a friend and phrase ideas about college and counseling in terms of helping her with her depression ... but I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not. You might ask a counselor.
 
Report
Reply Quote
07-08-2009 at 7:23 AM
magsugar13
Not Ranked
Joined on 03-14-2007
4,188 Posts
81,263 Points
magsugar13 is not online. Last active: 11-21-2009, 4:23 PMSilver

Did she get any kind of therapy while she was in the hospital? Usually when people go in under suicide watch they dont let people hang out there all day long with the patient.

There really isnt anything you can do. Unless she sees that she needs to get out, she wont. Tell her you are there for her , but other than that you cant  do or say anything that will get rid of him until SHE is ready to do so.

Tell her she has a place to go when she is ready to leave him and that is about all you can do,.

 
Report
Reply Quote
07-08-2009 at 9:47 AM
livinitup
Not Ranked
Joined on 03-17-2006
new york
3,116 Posts
58,834 Points
livinitup is not online. Last active: 11-21-2009, 2:10 PMSilver

I would budget a little stash of money for her. Ask your OS to contribute, too.  In 6 months or a year she may want to get out and having a bit of money to pay for an apartment or tuition could mean the difference between being trapped and freedom.

Also, your sister sounds very fragile.  It's easy to only see her as the victim, but she is a party to all of this control.  You mention several times that he is controling her.  It is important to remember that on some level she wants to be controlled. She is particiapting in this relationship and making choices.
Lilypie 2nd Birthday Ticker 
Report
Reply Quote
07-08-2009 at 1:31 PM
SueBear
Not Ranked
Joined on 09-13-2001
Cranford NJ
1,405 Posts
26,380 Points
SueBear is not online. Last active: 11-21-2009, 1:58 PMBronze

If I were LS, I wouldn't go to OS's house either.  She sounds just as controlling as the boyfriend!  OS probably makes LS feel stupid.  She doesn't allow her to make decisions for herself - HOW is that supposed to be helpful?

Do you think that LS could stay with you instead?  She seems to open up to you.  Would your dh be ok with it if you offered?

If moving out doesn't work for your sister right now, I would encourage her to seek counseling.  She needs it anyway for the suicidal thoughts (which may make her counseling payable through insurance).  Tell her to discuss her boyfriend and their relationship with the counselor, to bring up the possibility of emotional abuse.  Hopefully over time your LS will gain the tools she needs to strike out on her own.



"I want to be somebody's Gerry."
- P.S. I Love You 
Report
Reply Quote
07-08-2009 at 2:21 PM
Kristin789
Not Ranked
Joined on 06-08-2007
Clearwater, FL
248 Posts
5,255 Points
Kristin789 is not online. Last active: 11-21-2009, 12:13 AMNewbie

Why are you and OS trying to parent LS?

LS *has* parents.  Those parents need to understand that they are still her parents, and she is not yet 21.
 
Report
Reply Quote
07-09-2009 at 9:10 AM
lissah23
Not Ranked
Joined on 05-29-2009
Cambridge, ON
1,469 Posts
30,777 Points
lissah23 is not online. Last active: 11-21-2009, 8:34 PMBronze

This sounds sooo similar to the situation we were in with my LS. She was with a guy who was emotionally and physically abusive for 3 years (although she denied it the entire time she was with him). 

She too ended up in the hospital because of threatening suicide, and went right back to him when she got out.

We went to family counselling without her...just to learn how to deal with the situation and how to best support her.

We eventually had to back off and let her make her own decisions when it came her to relationship with him, but made our feelings clear (he wasn't welcome at our homes or any family functions, we were concerned for her safety/wellbeing [he wouldn't even let her eat some days], etc.)  Because the more negative things we said/did, and the more times we tried to talk her into leaving him, the more it convinced her to stay just to spite us.

It took a long time, and their relationship got worse before it ever got better, but she eventually realized that the relationship was toxic and called us at 3am one day to help her pack up her stuff and take her home.

You can't force her arm into doing anything she doesn't want to do - that will just make her resentful and spiteful of you all.  You need to be supportive of her but still stand your ground when it comes to him and how he treats her (without drilling it into her head that he's abusive, she knows that, she just won't admit it and she doesn't need anyone to remind her...she's reminded every day she spends with him).  I'd seriously consider family counselling, with or without her, to help you all cope and help you to support her the best you can.

Hopefully she'll come around! GL!

 

ETA: He proposed to my LS too, and I was put in the same situation.  I told DH just to get it off my chest, but really there's nothing you can do.  Again, if you tell her not to do it chances she will out of spite.  Marriage doesn't have to be forever. 



Lilypie First Birthday tickers

 
Report
Reply Quote

search boards

choose another board

hot topics

"Turkey tips and recipes?"
Posted by: BensBabe823

"Favorite beauty products?"
Posted by: mdinohio

"Is it ok to schedule sex?"
Posted by: DeAndrea Wheeler

most active posters
JARbaby
116 posts
Tambcat
114 posts
Serendipit...
105 posts
staycee
101 posts
Goldie_Loc...
91 posts
RevJen
78 posts
cjeanette
70 posts
GypsyLou
64 posts
pixy_stix
63 posts
BlairWaldo...
61 posts

connect with these online Nesties
LisaM1229 mnbv9502!
groovygrl PhilsWife07
nursemegan23 rnfromtn
azcatsfan a.t.m.
joescb Kecia007
Lins610 willowcormar
MrsDeLaVara osugirl
bridy Lisacica
tay5267 honeybee724
Tiger80 JenG1979
Skye-Bee dslapple
j&lo82907 HappilyEver
Leah_Lou GrumpyBear74
kimfoley88 shirz903
krstnagee chathambmw
From the blogs:
Dressing Your Thanksgiving Table

Holiday Baking 101

Love in the Time of (Swine) Flu
Choose a market:

>> See resources in another market