The Nest

I'm in a similar situation...I'd like to talk to you about this through email if you'd like.  You can email me at a.hightower @ yahoo.com

Oh, honey, that's terrible!  I definitely don't think he's acting normally, and I've not had any experience with this in my marriage.  I really don't have any advice for you, other than to let you know that I think going to counseling on your own is a great idea.  I think it will help you realize that you cannot control other people's actions or feelings towards you, and to realize that you are NOT worthless.  Your counselor can probably give you much better advice on how to deal with your H, too.  I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. 

I'm really sorry you are going through all of this, I just got married in Jan, and it was hard at the beginning to adjust to eachother (and still is!) we have been together for almost 3 years and I still feel that I am always learning new things about him (some good & not so good!)

Maybe you could sit down and both talk calmly, or ask him when its a good time for him for the both of you to sit down and talk about things...or maybe you could show him this post, so he can truly understand how you are feeling? Good Luck and I hope this helps!

No, this is not normal behavior. And you have known each other for a long time so something is definitely going on whether it's in his head or not. I definitely think you both need counseling, him especially because his major attitude change is affecting you a lot.
He could be depressed, he could be jealous of people living the single life, he could just feel like he's in a rut because even if you do something fun for a day everything will be the same again when that fun day is over.
You need to calmly talk to him, which is hard since he keeps freaking out on you, and tell him that you are worried and upset by the way he has been acting lately. He has no right to belittle you and make you feel like crap when he's having issues and I think the best way for you two to get to the bottom of this is to have a 3rd party talk you through it in a calm environment.

::hugs:: My heart hurts just reading that. No, that's not normal. The  only suggestion I can offer is to look into couples counseling. But even if he is reluctant, you need to go for yourself.

I'm sorry you are going through this. DH and I have had a similar fight before, except reversed. It was a long time ago, but maybe I can offer you some insight.

 Is there an age difference? That was part of our problem, DH is 10 years older than me and not only do I have more energy, but I was in more of an "instant gratification" mode than saving, builidng up, and preparing for a life together. It wasnt because I wasnt interested in those things, I was just still maturing.

Often times DH comes home and I am bouncing off the walls with energy, and he just wants to veg. It took me a while to get used to his "down time" but he works very hard and long hours. We are both more accomodating to each others needs now, but it was a struggle for a long time.

I would get my feelings hurt because I thought it was personal, when really, thats just what he prefers to do.

The other thing I can suggest is starting a small savings acount for fun. Money is usually one of the biggest things that would prevent random fun. You said you did major construction this year, so I am assuming that you meant that you dont have the savings you did in order to take spontaneous vacations?

I dont know exactly how he is feeling, but usually, when I got that way, I would go try and have fun and then I would realize that I would rather be at home cuddling on the couch. It may be just a phase. Try not to take it so personally. I know that is hard, but I wish you luck. Try to be supportive of him, it sounds like he doesnt even know what he wants right now.

 

sorry to hear this....

the girls are right. you cant change how someone acts.

Let me ask you this...

are you still in love with him?

Do you regret marrying him?

Do you want to grow old with him?

I just cant imagine staying in a relationship like this.

At the end of the day I would ask myself- what am i gaining from this relationship?

He sounds selfish and whiny. Life isnt fun all the time-and you seem pretty darn active.

 
My only advice: Purchase a Wii-its done wonders for getting some of my married friends to reconnect in their marriage.

Other than that-go see some therapy and really evaluate whether or not you want to work this out-or cut your losses.

 

I am really sorry to hear this.  To be honest, he sounds depressed or similar.  His sudden personality change is what bothers me.  I think you need to go to counseling as well.  Also, if he won't go, go yourself!

 

I will say though that DH and I have been married for 4 years and the first couple were really hard for me.  I was the one who never felt at peace.  In my case it was anxiety and I went on medication.  Our marriage is so good now.  My anxiety was so bad that I would let everything build and then I would freak out.  I would take it out on DH.  I cannot believe how patient he was/is with me.   So, don't give up yet.  Try to see if you can get him into counseling or the doctor.  Something has got to give. 

 

Oh, I feel so badly for you. 

I agree with pp that it seems something else is going on here like depression. How are things at his job? With his friends? It sounds as though he is dissatisfied with life and general. From the way you described the situation I don't really think this is even about you specifically.  Could it be that there is something going on that you don't know about with his family--sick parent, for instance?  Is he fighting with a sibling?

I wish I could help more, but all I can tell you is that I really get the feeling that there is part of this equation that you don't know about.

Regardless, no one deserves to be belittled and otherwise treated disrespectfully. You should insist that he go to counseling with you if for no other reason than to learn to communicate appropriately.

 Good luck.

I agree with the posts above.  If anything seeking therapy for yourself is a great idea.  It does sound like your DH is depressed or having some type of adjustment issues.  Let him know that you are there to support him and help him in any way that you can put for the sake of your sanity and your marriage you will not let him continue taking out his frustrations on you.  If he doesn't want to get "deep" keep it totally solution focused.  "What will it take to make you happy?"  "How can I help?"  "What can you do to make your self happy?"  Remember you can not supply happiness for another.  He has to find happiness on his own.  Good luck and I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.

My first thoughts is another girl. I am sorry to say that, it's just seems like either he is jealous of another couple, or a girl he has fun with. You two really need to sit down together and talk about this. I really wish you the best of luck

I'm so sorry you're going through this... I can't even imagine how much you're struggling.  No, it's not normal for a husband to act this way, however I don't think it's exactly uncommon.  

A good friend of mine went through this with her husband.  For her, it was that they got caught up in the wedding planning and the honeymoon and life was so exciting for a while, and then it was all over, and they were like... is this life?  Work, dinner, sleep... over and over again?  It seemed so boring in comparison, and her husband got depressed, and was saying similar things to yours (about not being spontaneous and wanting to go do 'exciting' things).  It took a serious toll on their marriage, and honestly, I thought they were going to get divorced.  However, they've moved past it and they've been married over a year now, and are doing better than ever.  They just had to adjust their expectations.

Anyway, I told you that so you know there is hope, and you CAN move past this.  Like you acknowledged, you guys need couples counseling ASAP.  And probably individual counseling as well.  The one thing I know about marriage is that you can get to a point of no return, so don't let things get much worse before you seek help.  

PPs have a lot of great advice.  Good luck!  You can always post here if you need to vent... we all know the feeling! 

wow....first off thank you to everyone who read this.  i did not expect so many posts since it was so long.  and i must say i love this board...i feel as though if i posted this anywhere else they would have let me have it about something.  i love the support - so thank you!

The first few weekends all of this happened i must say i did not react too well.  i argued back with him.  but now...i'm hurt and upset.  so i have been remaining calm and trying to pay attention to the problem but not feed into it too much if that makes sense??  tonight i came home and we sat down and talked very calmly for a while.  but he kept wanting to get up and get away from the conversation.  kept getting defensive, starting to freak and get angry and i would remind him i'm just talking i'm not trying to fight.  he would calm down adn then act up again.  it's like we talk and talk and talk and get no resolution and hten he cant take anymore and walks away and nothing is solved. 

diz134 - to answer your question, there is not a huge age difference.  about 2 1/2 years. 

cjsbdl - i keep asking him how work is and how his friends are doing.  he switched jobs right after the wedding and i even asked him at one point if he wished he stayed at his other job and he replied with omg not at all with alot of happy comments.  so that leads me to believe that work is fine.  he hangs out with friends and goes out every once in a while.  he seems to be happy with that? although none of his friends really play sports like he does so he misses playing games.  but he seems to get over it pretty quick.  his family is a whole other issue.  that is a completely different story that would take me months to explain.  (if anyone watches whose wedding is it anyways then you will understand...the one on new years eve with the red dress is our show...please don't judge).  right after the wedding we had some major major problems with his family.  i was going through a big depression phase between the family issues and the "post wedding depression" haha....but in the past few months things have improved by like 80% lol. 

 

chrissymarie -

do i still love him? yes of course i do

do i regret marrying him? haha...there are some nights...but overall no.  when there are major issues with his family i wonder what i got myself into.  but overall no i do not regret marrying him.

do i want to grow old with him? if he keeps acting like this i may be in a crazy person hospital before i get to grow old with him haha j/k.  but yes of course i want to grow old with the him i know and love.  this guy who's here lately is just a pain in the butt!! haha

and yes we have the wii lol - we even got guitar hero for his birthday last week with 2 guitars!!

 

jersangl - unfortunately my first thougth was another girl too. i finally just came out and asked him the one night.  he did not get defensive about this...he kind of laughed about it like it was the funniest thing in the world.  ( i hear defensiveness is one of the first clues).  i try and look for clues towards this.  my ex boyfriend years ago cheated on me all the time...so i learned a few things to keep an eye on for clues.  i'm praying to god this isn't what its about. 

hawaiibride - thank you for the encouraging words

 

i think my main thing is.....i don't want to give up.  i'm willing to go to counciling.  i went to family counciling several times growing up, so i know it helps.  sometimes not right away, but it does help.  before i got married i told dh that divorce was not an option for me....i was goign to work through this through thick and thin....and work hard at it.  my parents made this promise to each other knowing there would be tough times and they said it got them through some really horrible times.  i mean of course there are certain grounds where i believe in divorce.  however...i do not want to look at that as an option unless it is definitely something that we need to do if that makes sense???

 

thank you so much for the kind words from all of you.  i will definitely be taking your advice.  especially the "fun fund".  i like that idea!! 

if anyone has any other words of advice, i would greatly appreciate it.  thank you so much ladies...i can not describe how much it means to me to have you all give me your words of advice and listen to me vent! have a great night

I just want to say that my thoughts are with you. I can't give much advice other that to be supportive, but cautious.

That episode was actually on today! That is kind of cool that it was you! I definitely feel for you and you have no judgements from me!