The Nest

Talk to him about it  (?)  This is a subject that shouldn't be hard to bring up with your husband.

Well, first, people can be disappointed about a pregnancy "scare", and can be "in" to kids and it doesn't necessarily mean they are really ready to have kids NOW.  I want to say to not read TOO much into this.

While he may be disappointed you aren't PG, he might also be thinking "Well- it isn't the right time yet, so... maybe it's a good thing.". 

But- to bring it up, I'd say to him "So- recently when we found out I wasn't PG, you said you were disappointed.  WHere are you at w/ all of this?  Are you beginning to think you want to start having kids sooner than 3 or 4 years?"

And let him talk!  Find out where his head is at. 

And if it comes out that he does think he'll be ready sooner, or even that he wants to start NOW, I'd probably say something along the lines of:

"Well, to be honest, as we've always said we're going to wait until our 30's, thats where I'm still mentally at.  However, I'm not adverse to talking about this more and re-evaluating our timeline. HOWEVER - I need some time to think about this.  I need a few weeks or even a couple months to really think about this and see where I'm at - then I'd like to revisit the topic.  Can you give me that much? " 

Don't go into it assuming you're going to be on opposite sides of the issue, or that it will create stress.  If you calmly talk about it, if you CAN be willing to consider changing the timeline, that might be all he needs to hear right now.

And he might say "Yeah- I want to have kids sooner", but that doesn't mean tomorrow!  He might be thinking in a year or two instead of 3 or 4 years! 

But just gently bring it up, see where he's at and then just TALK.  Be open to what he has to say, explain your situation, and hopefully he'll give you the same courtesy and will be open to what you ahve to say.

Yeah, just talk to him about it! And don't be surprised if both of you change your minds a few times. DH and I go back and forth all the time. We do like kids (well, ones that we know anyway. The ones you see on  Nanny 911 not so much). Our friends say we can borrow their any time ;-)

We just love our lives so much the way they are that it's hard to fathom changing things that drastically.

Thanks ladies. I agree that I am likely reading into things (as I tend to do), it's weird that DH would change his mind that fast on the issue but who knows. I can see how he could have been disappointed if he got used to the idea when we had the "scare."

I am going to bring it up tonight casually and just see where his head is. I could always change my mind down the road but right now I know I definitely want to travel some more, and get in a better financial position (plus spend time on building a great marriage and having fun together). I'm just not ready to give up my lifestyle for kids (yet!)

Another thing to add about making assumptions- DH and I have gone through 5 years of infertility to finally get PG.  Even while going through treatments - because we WANTED kids - I still had many moments of "is this really what we want?  Are we ready?".  Even now that I am PG - I still have moments like that.

Having kids is a HUGE step and it's one that I think it's normal to flip back and forth on.  One day, you can want kids so much it hurts, then the next you think "Eh- maybe things would be better w/o kids".

That's why I say don't make huge assumptions about where your DH's head is at!  He may be disappointed but at the same time might also be thinking "oh, I'm so not ready.".  don't take ONE conversation, ONE sentence and get yourself worked up over it!! 

As PP said, talk to him.  This really should not be a difficult topic to broach with your husband.  Speaking from experience, I had a pregnancy scare and was disappointed to find out I was not pregnant.  We weren't trying to get pregnant, I didn't want to be pregnant, so I was surprised to feel disappointed.  I got over it quickly and we still plan on waiting a few more years.  I think sometimes a scare just makes some people daydream about being a mom or dad sooner.  He may still want to wait until you're 30.  Or maybe he does want to start trying now.  Either way, you two can just discuss it.  It shouldn't be a major stressor.

My dh and I had a pg scare last month. Neither of us is ready just yet, and we were a little nervous...but when I got my period and I told him, he sounded disappointed too. Ultimately, he was relieved because now is not the right time, but you have to admit that you do get kind of excited at the prospect that you might be having a baby. And it is kind of disappointing when you find out you are not pregnant, even if you weren't quite ready yet. That is probably what your dh is feeling.

But yeah, talk to him and make sure you two are on the same page about this.

We both vehemently do not want children ever however if an "accident" were ever to happen, we'd start wanting them really fast.

About 14 months ago, I had a bit of a pregnancy "scare".  When the test results proved that I was not in fact pregnant, we both felt a little disappointed.  It still doesn't mean we want kids. 

I'd rather my DH have the reaction yours did than for him to have completely flipped out at the very idea of it.

I think your DH had the right reaction. He prepare himself for the worst case scenario. Can you imagine if he had the opposite reaction, I'm mean that would hurt me more.

Just talk to your man. He sounds very supportive with or without kids.

I am so surprised by this post because I'm going through the exact same thing and had thought about posting it!  DH and I have been married less then 9 months.  When we got married we both agreed that we would have kids in about 3-4 years.  But lately he has been making comments about wanting them sooner - like now!  At first I kind of thought he was joking, but I'm not really so sure anymore and was thinking we really should have a talk about it.  I was thinking of making a list (mental list probably) of why I still want to wait.  From things like money (I'd like to at least stay home part time and I don't know that we could live off his money alone), to the fact that we don't own a house yet.  Also there are a few more trips I'd like to take first.  He also doesn't seem to think a baby will really change our life that much so I've been trying to make a mental list of what will need to change - a lot less going out, much fewer weekends away etc.  I think its really important that we get on the same page about it now because I'm starting to feel pressure from family and I want us to be able to say as a team that we are waiting a few more years.  I don't want to feel as if I'm making him wait or something. 

 But its definetly an odd thing.  Because I already thought we had made this decision and its wierd to me to have to rethink it.  Like others have said its probably normal to go back and forth on it a bit, I didn't even expect the subject to come up again until we'd at least had a house of our own. 

Agree on having a unified front - we have family, friends, randoms asking us all the time what our plans are for kids. I'd feel pretty dumb if I came out with our usual "in 3 or 4 years" response and he disagreed with me!

I am hoping it was like PPs mentioned, just a reaction to the possibility that I could have been pregnant (even though I told him from the start that I seriously doubted it was the case, I think he wasn't convinced) and he really doesn't want kids ASAP.

Good luck :) I'll update on what DH has to say...

My H makes plenty of offhand comments about wanting to knock me up or how so-and-so's baby is so cute, but when we talk about it he still has the same rough timeline we've always had. I agree with pp's that you're probably reading too much into it but it's worth talking about. In fact, talk about it from time to time anyway just to stay connected to how you're both feeling about things!

We have had a couple of "scares," and even though I know I'm not ready and ideally we'll start having children in a couple of years, I have had those illogical moments of disappointment. 

I think his reaction was natural.  If he'd started whooping and pumping his fist in the air, I'd be more worried.

Just tell him that you're not ready, yet.  He's still entitled to get excited about eventually having kids.  If he's a good guy, he'll understand.

I'm in the same boat as Daisy and R&G, but I don't think it's that big a deal.  DH and I agreed we'd wait 4 years to start trying, aiming to have our first when I am around 29/30 years old.  We disagreed on how many kids were our ideal - I always wanted a "big" family, 3-5, and he only wanted two.

Recently he told me, "I think it would be nice to have more kids. 3 or 4. But if we are going to have a bigger family, then we should think about starting sooner."  We even went into immediate age negotiations - he said 26 at first, while I stuck with 29! 26 is so terrifyingly soon.

But, while I was surprised/pleased/touched/perplexed/concerned all at one time by the whole conversation... I think these little debates and compromises are a part of our married life, and I kind of enjoy it. We can't entirely predict what life will throw at us, but I like the planning of it together, even when we are trying to compromise on what both of us want...

We agreed on some goals we want to accomplish pre-child, in terms of career, education, finances, and travel, and also the desire to enjoy just being young and married and childless. We are going to revisit the issue in a year or two and talk about it again, see where we are then.  I wouldn't worry about it - it's just something to talk about. :)  Discuss what it is you want to finish before you have kids, the pros and cons of starting earlier, and I'm sure you will be just fine.

jacksjill:

We both vehemently do not want children ever however if an "accident" were ever to happen, we'd start wanting them really fast.

You don't sound that "vehement" about it - if I got pregnant now, even though I'm married, I probably would still have an abortion, and DH feels the same.  THAT'S how much we don't want kids  :c ) 

I don't think anyone has made this point yet (surprisingly), but even if your DH would love to start now, that doesn't mean he'd love to start now without you being on board as well. 

DH and I agreed before we were married that if we got pregnant accidently before we were ready, we'd have an abortion or give it up for adoption... especially if it happened while he was still in graduate school. 

Well, he's been out of school for a while now, and we had a major scare a few months ago (actually, there's no such thing as a minor scare for us--stress gives me morning sickness).  He made some comments about how maybe this would be a good time and we'd have 9 months to get ready, where as I feel very very differently.  He respects that remaining pregnant is ultimately my choice, but I feared that if we didn't agree, he would eventually resent me for it.  I spent a few days really trying to see it from his point of view and be okay with it, and found that I just could not.  When I finally told him that I'd throught a lot about it and really really really didn't want to have a baby yet, his response was, "I don't want to have a baby right now either if you are not ready."  (I think he was a little hurt that I'd thought he might want to have a baby without me being ready...)

I don't know why I was so surprised.  I know DH is a smart loving guy, and smart loving people generally don't want to have children without a partner who is also totally on board.  I'm sure he is disappointed I am not ready by now, but it's really okay that we're not both ready right at the same exact time.  It's just one of those little side effects of not being exactly the same person.