The Nest

Well it's fairly easy with us because DH can't stand them either.  We don't see his parents at holidays because they can't be bothered to fly out and be "stuck in airports" but expect us to with little children to do that when they were the ones who moved.  We saw them a few times this year due to grandpa dying (who they weren't speaking to until he was on his death bed) but before that we hadn't seen them in 2 years, and they didn't show to our wedding.

As DH says "they're my parents, I still love them, but I don't want to deal with them."  WHen they call he'll talk to them casually, but won't fight with them, or let them keep blabbing about themselves and they hang up within 5 minutes.  SO I guess we're basically polite with them and have the door open, but we refuse to jump through hoops or follow their commands.  It works well for us.

we share holidays, Thanksgiving is every other year, Christmas I get the day he gets eve.  I wouldn't choose to spend time with them, but they're my DH's parents so I just have to go with what he wants

My in laws don't care for me (or my husband) since we eloped and didn't tell anyone beforehand (or his 13 year old daughter) which we both know wasn't good, but after we cancelled 2 weddings and wasted thousands of dollars on deposits, we decided to just do it our way without any of them around.

His mother is coming around and treats me well, his father barely speaks to me unless I pose a question first, and his sister publicly declares her hatred for me. They live 5 minutes away and we're about to close on a house which is 30 minutes away. They have a mandatory Sunday dinner which I can deal with (because I get so much material to work with for the following week, jokes, etc.) but my DH absolutely hates going there....and the fact that his mother repeats the same stupid stories and anecdotes every week is just unbearable!!

My ILs are eh.  They aren't as horrible as others but they aren't kind/friendly people (mostly MIL and SIL).  We haven't cut them off since they are DH's family and it isn't that bad, but we barely see them and DH never calls (he doesn't like talking to them).  When we do get together, it is for short periods of time so it is easy to just be polite and move on.

to be honest- I need more information.  What exactly is it that they do?  How does your DH feel about it?  If anything, that is the biggest issue here.  If he is blind to it OR lets it happen and puts up w/ it, then the two of you are NOT a united front.

What does HE say about the holidays?  Does he still want to see them? 

There is nothing that YOU can do if the two of you aren't on the same page. 

Sorry, but you are a bit vague here.

What have they done?  

How has DH responded?

As for holidays, depending on what your answer to questions 1&2 affect my response.

I am not discounting that there are a ton of horrid inlaws out there.  However I DO BELIEVE that no relationship lives in a vacuum.  How both YOU and YOUR DH react, interact, expect (very important) have as much to do with your situation. 

Give us full examples (remember, we can only respond to what YOU write) or most of us will not respond.

I also think we need more information.

I love my FIL and think he is a nice man.  I enjoy the time we spend with him.  When we go back east for holidays, it is primarily FIL and his extended family whom we see - going from house to house for family gatherings.

My MIL, I dislike intensely because she has mistreated me and dh defends her no matter what.  We are trying to tackle this issue with the help of a marriage counselor.  I am happy if dh wants to have a relationship with her.  He can see her as much as she likes.  The problem is, he wants us to have a group hug and be one big happy family.  I don't see why that is necessary.  I am not keeping him from his mother.  I just don't want to be part of the party.  I see an individual counselor and she hypothesizes that my MIL has bpd and I think she is right.

I can't stand mine either.  Ditto on the "they treat DH like dirt."  It breaks my heart.

 How do I put up with my IL?  I go to every family event that DH wants to go to or wants me to go to (ie a baby shower just for the women).  I go, I sit there, I smile.  If I am asked a question, I respond very neutrally and then ask a neutral question back. 

Do you still see them? We do see them, but on a limited basis.

 Do you wish that you could cut them off? I do not wish to cut them off.  I do wish for them to treat both DH and I with respect, which is what I am working with them on.

What do you do around the holidays?  Our families live far apart, so basically for Christmas we do eve with his family and then day with my family but stay with my family for a few days.  Otherwise,the 4th of July is with my family and our family friends.  Memorial Day and Labor Day are up in the air.  We usually don't celebrate Thanksgiving and Easter with family - just friends here in town that also has family far a way.

 In the long run, I think that every relationship has give and take.  I also make sure to remember that these people ARE his family.  You can't chose your family.  However, you can choose your friends.  So as long as you have friends that can fill in the family gap, I'd put up with the IL's and celebrate the good friends you have in your life.

Well I could stand mine up until this past June when they betrayed DH.  We haven't had any communication with them since.  For us it's easy since we're on the same side of it. 

As far as what to do about the holidays we haven't come upon any yet, but since they aren't exactly trying to call us either I presume we'll just ignore each other and live our lives and celebrate ourselves.  In our case I don't know if it's going to be that easy though since our first son (and their first grandchild) will be born a few weeks before Christmas so DH and I both know a showdown with them is coming. 

I am so thankful that not liking your IL's not just on sitcoms.  All of my friends, and I do mean all have wonderful relationships with their IL's , I can't stand to be in the same room with mine.  They mistreat my DH and it is very hard for me to deal with.  Going over there is like going "thru the looking glass".  I am polite when spoken to, and I laugh occassionally at a joke or two, but my DH feels the same way about them so we have a 2 hour rule.  We do not stay for more than two hours and we are sooooo out of there.

Mine are interesting to be very polite...I think my SIL is a nestie too!  I grew up not speaking to my Dad's family, I hated it.  There was a lot of drama.  I always tell my hubs when I fight with the IL's that he should see them, they're his family.  I don't have to always be there, and I do take hiatis' occasionally.  I need to for my sanity!  They are nutty, unhappy and jealous people, who are honestly convinced the world is jealous of them.  They could make me miserable if I let them.  I feel that you must keep distance from toxic people, but I can't be unfair to the hubs.  It's a wacky situation.  If you have a solution, share it please!

My MIL is okay, but I don't care for my FIL (he's a total loser).  It's actually easy to put up with him since we do not live nearby and when we DO visit, he often times is sleeping in his room or annoyed at someone so he leaves the room.  He rarely if ever calls or emails to see what my husband is up to.  He wont even let my husband talk about what cool things he's doing at work because FIL is JEALOUS!

Like several posts I am quiet and polite while visiting my ILs.  I do have a 48 hour rule because we drive down for weekends and recently before the wedding told DH that the number of visits had to be cut down (it was about 1/month which was every weekend I had off from school!) it was too stressful and even then MIL complained I needed to learn that his family was important too.  Things have gone down hill since about 2 months before the wedding when MIL had a laundry list of demands while accusing me of excluding while I wasn't. 

 

The main problem though is that DH defends her to me and doesn't defend me to her.  For example at our wedding we were supposed to take pictures at the garden reception site so they decided to leave during the receiving line.  Then it poured and we had to take most of the pictures at the church, luckily it cleared up and I was able to get some outdoor pictures I wanted but his parents showed up very late to the reception so they were only there for very little of the picture taking.  She flipped when she realized there was a picture of us with both sets of parents but not one with just us and his parents.  Screaming about how unimportant she is and awful I am, that I made it happen etc.  So loud that I could hear her, and he said nothing.   This of course makes me very upset and we are working on it.  His parents don't treat him badly though, just me.  If you both are on the same page then don't worry about your ILs you aren't married to them.

 

I would say you can't cut your DH off from his family but make a plan early that you are both comfortable with, how much time you will spend, how often etc.  As for Holidays our are governed by what time we can both get off from work, usually we work xmas eve and the day after Thanksgiving.  I am looking forward to the day when I have kids and can refuse to drag them anywhere.  Good luck!

My father in law doesn't bother me, he's pretty nice but isn't in very good health anymore.  (My MIL and FIL are both in their early 70s).  But my MIL can drive me pretty crazy.  She isn't mean to me, but she just likes to argue all the time.  I tend to just ignore her and let my husband argue away with her.  I think my MIL is just bored and will call and want to talk for an hour about anything she can think of and most of the time I just don't have time. 

My husband's oldest sister is "pure crazy" quoted by my MIL, but I haven't even meet her as of yet.  I don't really feel bad about not meeting her, because I don't want to be involved in all her drama and she tends to use everyone anyways. 

My husband's middle sister is wonderful.  I get along great with her and her husband.  But they are both almost 50 years old.

My husband's other sister has lots of drama too.  But we don't see her much.  But we do see her daughter more often and she is 18 and I just feel bad because her parents don't really give her any guidance or financial support and my MIL hints around about my husband and I helping her.  I would love to help her, but we just got married and we don't have money to do things like that.

It's a little odd having in laws that are so much older (almost my mother's age), but sometimes I do wish I had in laws that were a bit younger.