The Nest

I hope you dont mind, but I read this aloud to DH, to see if he had any tips to help you out, and he said to find a new man, because he is either cheating or gay. But I dont know if that is the solution, do you have any suspicions of cheating, etc?

I don't mind at all that you read it to your DH.  

I don't think he is cheating.  I'm pretty certain he isn't.  

I don't think he is gay.  I have even asked (nicely too, trying not insult).  The sad thing is if he is in-fact gay (which he claims he's not), I would still be willing to be friends with him.  

 He says that he is unhappy with our lack of sex, but he just doesn't do anything about it.

 I'm really getting to the point where I resent him. 

IMO, whatever you do, don't take him up on the getting pregnant idea right away just because he's finally willing to have sex. Because once he gets you pregnant, what if he goes right back to never wanting sex again? The last thing you need to do is have a child together before resolving your issues and going through some counseling/therapy. I'm sure this is obvious advice that you've already considered, but thought I'd throw it out there anyway.

Saraelizabeth - I feel for you. I'm sorry you are going through this. I really feel strongly that this is not just a "sex" issue. I know this is common sense but feel that it should be re-stated here - problems in the bed often reflect problems elsewhere in a relationship. How is your relationship outside of sex? Do you think you've just lost the *spark*? It's starting to sound like you are feeling less and less sexually attracted to him, and more like friends. Is that how he is feeling, as well? Have you seen a counselor? That would probably be a good plan for you as they would bring up questions and possible weaknesses in your relationship to work on that you never would have thought of.

There really is no "good" reason why a healthy, happily married couple should be going that long without sex...which makes me think the relationship isn't so healthy to begin with.

Yeah. there is no way I am bringing a child into a sexless marriage.  

It's like every time I talked him about our little lack of sex problem he completely shuts down.  He doesn't even look at me.  Which just makes me even more upset.

Counseling is probably going to be my last and final attempt.

I'm just so angry now.  I mean I went around feeling pretty crappy about myself and really unattractive.  And I told him how this no sex thing made me feel ugly and undesirable.  That didn't seem to make any difference since that was like 3 months ago when I told him this and I we still have not had sex.  I mean to me it sounds like he just doesn't care about how I feel so that's why I'm angry.

Does that make any since? 

**hugs** I can't even imagine how that must feel. I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I think your feelings are absolutely justified and make complete sense. I am hopeful that counseling will work for you, and that your husband just has a hard time communicating what the real issues are.

Sometimes, getting a counselor involved brings out a totally different side of people. I am a counselor and notice that a lot of times, a client will tell me that their spouse/family member has agreed to come in for group therapy, but will unlikely talk due to their shy tendencies. However, when it comes down to it, many of those shy people end up showing a more outgoing, open side when sitting in a chair across from a complete stranger (me!)

Keep us updated. I'm hoping the best for you.

P.S. In addition to being a counselor, I see a therapist on the side, and have personally noticed I am much more open with her than I am in my marriage on a daily basis.

Have you encouraged him to see a Dr? Because if my DH decided that he just wasn't interested in sex anymore, but was unwilling to do something about it, I'd tell him he has 3 options: counseling, physical workup, or divorce. No one should have to live like this, especially if he isn't willing to try to fix it.

Of course he is the only one that could truthfully answer why he does not want to have sex but in talking to DH and listening to some of his "guy" conversations and of course watching shows like Oprah or Dr. Oz and even reading the Steve Harvey book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man" (Good Read if you haven't already done so) the only solutions I can come up with he's cheating. I do not think there is a man alive who can be married and just be satisfied with the idea of not having sex.

If he's not cheating he must have some type of medical condition...it is possible. Hope you can work things out with him!

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you :(  I don't think bringing a child into an unhappy picture would resolve anything... but you are an intelligent woman, and it sounds like you already realize this.... 

Does your husband take any type of Blood Pressure medication? Antidepressents?

These often lead to 0 sexual desire... and sometimes inability to achieve sexual arousal at all. Of course if he is unwilling to seek medical treatment concerning this it doesn't really matter if the root cause is medicinal.

Did he always have a low sex drive, or did it gradually happen? What do you see as the turning point?

You should really get him to a doctor. There could be a host of medical reasons that he has no libido, or maybe he's having ED problems and is hiding them from you by never having sex. 

When you talk to him about the lack of sex, how does he respond? Does he get defensive, or change the subject, or agree with you verbally but never initiate anything? Does he seem ashamed about it, or does he think it's not a problem? How often did you have sex before this dry spell? 

Unfortunately I can relate L

I am having a very similar issue with my boyfriend that I live with.

I know there is no possible way he is cheating or gay.

He seems to really let stress bother him. When his life feels stressful he does not want sex at all..ie buying a house, work, his family.

I have had some ongoing female issues that have affected our sex life too, so I am not as worried. Also we haven’t hit seven months but still sometimes it is 2-3 months without sex. I actually tried talking to him last week about this…he just doesn’t seem to understand how I feel…he said he had been sick this week and wasn’t in the mood…I understood however I was not asking for sex but just a passionate kiss!!!

The whole point I am getting at his 1) I know how you feel – undesired, and the starting to feel resentful and angry; 2) it is probably more of a relationship issue then a physical issue. My bf feels like I don’t help out with housework as much as he does, so then he feels stressed and not in the mood…however I feel like when I do help out more I don’t really see a difference in the bedroom…

BF and I were really good friends b4 dating…he would claim his past girlfriends did not want to have sex as often after the relationship was pat the honeymoon phase….now I really wonder if it was them or him!

Anyways I hope something changes and everything works out for the best! I hope your DH is willing to go to counseling. I would try to see if he will talk to you more about other issues in his life see if there is an underlying stressor in his life. Good luck and I wish you the best!

I know it's not ed.  I have caught him in the "act".  Which I know is just part of being human, but you would think if you had the desire to go solo, you would have the desire to have sex.  So now is the part really I really think it is me.   He just doesn't want to have WITH ME.

We did go through a dry spell before.  He was on zololft.  And he stepped off of it like 9 months ago.  Things improved for like 1 month, but now . . . . . it's worse than ever.

I truly am afraid that I won't be able to get past this.  I mean is normal for me to be so resentful that I don't even want to have sex with him now?  I mean if he initiated it now, I probably wouldn't even be up for it.  I am so messed up. I know this is weird.  But I do find my husband attractive.  But I just have all of this weird energy inside of me that is frustrated and full of spite from feeling like my feelings have been ignored.

I did tell him it was a deal breaker.  He said he understood and that he would make an effort into helping me change this.  Nothing has happened.  

Granted a lot has been going on with me, my grandma who I was taking care of passed away about a month ago, so I got a little distracted from following through with the deal breaking leaving thing.  

But I am ready to now.  I feel like a mental patient on the inside ready to explode.

I am going to tell him that we are going to counseling or he can start looking for a new apartment.  

You told him it was a deal breaker. Nothing changed. He didn't make an effort.

That means you need to leave him.

I'm not sure counseling would even help at this point, because you have a fundamental incompatibility that might not ever change. It also seems clear that he isn't actually interested in working on things, or he would be suggesting counseling and doctor's appointments or making some kind of effort. He's not doing that. IMO he's telling you that it won't change. I'd definitely tell him to start looking for a new apartment.

saraelizabeth28:

I know it's not ed.  I have caught him in the "act".  Which I know is just part of being human, but you would think if you had the desire to go solo, you would have the desire to have sex.  So now is the part really I really think it is me.   He just doesn't want to have WITH ME.

I would send this back to the cheating or gay thing then. If its not medical its one of the two. 

saraelizabeth28:

I know it's not ed.  I have caught him in the "act".  Which I know is just part of being human, but you would think if you had the desire to go solo, you would have the desire to have sex.  So now is the part really I really think it is me.   He just doesn't want to have WITH ME.

We did go through a dry spell before.  He was on zololft.  And he stepped off of it like 9 months ago.  Things improved for like 1 month, but now . . . . . it's worse than ever.

I truly am afraid that I won't be able to get past this.  I mean is normal for me to be so resentful that I don't even want to have sex with him now?  I mean if he initiated it now, I probably wouldn't even be up for it.  I am so messed up. I know this is weird.  But I do find my husband attractive.  But I just have all of this weird energy inside of me that is frustrated and full of spite from feeling like my feelings have been ignored.

Okay, so you know he's not physically dysfunctional.

He is no longer taking meds but this situation is still persisisting. Something's not right.

He owes it to you to work on this with you. You did not get married to have a glorified roommate. And all the talks you have had have been for naught.

It very well could be that he is asexual, possibly gay or having an affair. The 2 of you just got married; this should NOT be happening.

From July:

Now before my dad died and even before we got married our sex life slowed down quite a bit.  I talked to him about it and he said he was just totally stressed out because we had so much dept. and were in a crappy apt. and things were just really stressful for the both of us.

 Flash forward to now.  We are completely out dept...., brand new apartment, and things are settling down again.  Well he still doesn't seem interested in sex.

He's already used the excuse (not reason: an EXCUSE, plain and simple) that there was debt and your apartment was too small. Is he kidding?? 

I am still dealing with the lose of my dad and issues with him choosing booze over me, but that doesn't mean I don't want to have sex anymore.

Sorry about your dad...I also suggest you check out Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's a good resource for you, as is Alanon. 

Anyway, we have had sex 3 times since we were married.  Yes, 3, since august of 2008.  And those 3 times were awkward and weird and passionless.  I mean I feel like he doesn't want me anymore.  I keep coming up with things that are wrong with me, like well I'm not thin as I used to be.  I'm not as cute as when we met in 2006.

Don't blame yourself. The problem is WITH HIM and it seems to be a wowzer of a problem the more I read your last posts.

 You've tried lingerie, porn and something else where he conked out on you.

And you have to initiate, not him.

Surely you know this is not a healthy relationship. You've spoken to him and nothing happens --- the only thing I can suggest is that you have this marriage annuled in a civil court.

He's not committed to having an intimate and active sex life with you. And you've got enough on your plate what with having a parent die and coping with problems stemming from that.

Get your financial ducks in a row -- you mentioned debt, so an attorney is positively necessary (and document everything that's going on) and then when you've done all of that, have this sham of a marriage annulled. This jerk will bankrupt you emotionally and he'll bankrupt your self esteem.

I also suggest counseling for yourself -- you're coping with grief, guilt, the death of a parent and a douchey lump of a "husband" who doesn't seem to give a tin sh!t about being physically intimate with his wife. Good luck.

I'm so sorry for you, hun. And while some of the former advice on this board might seem harsh, it TRULY is in your best interest. I know how it feels when you seem not wanted/attractive, but it is NOT you. I promise. Do you have a good support system of family and friends? Utilize them.

I promise, I am speaking from the heart. I recently had a talk with my H regarding us not having sex as much as I wanted. Even though it was very embarassing for me (and for him too) to bring up, the talk helped so, so much. If your H is not going to be supportive, or help come up with a solution, I don't think that your efforts (no matter how great) are going to be able to save this aspect of the marriage.

If you don't see an end to this problem in sight, I would consider a separation. Good luck to you.

This situation could have been written by me a year ago. Only if I had written it it would have said "14 months" instead of "7 months".

Before DH and I were married we went through something very similar. It started after DD was born. We had sex about 6 weeks after she was born (July 2007) then not again until March 2009. Yes, we went THAT long without ANY sex at all.

Talking about it didn't help. He would promise to try, but nothing came of it. Arguing didn't help, it just made him want to be around me less. Finally we both started resenting eachother and it put such a strain on the rest of our relationship that I didn't even know if I wanted to be with him anymore.

I, like you, stopped wanting to have sex with him. I started seeing a counselor for my own issues (I was feeling very self-conscious thinking it was because I still hadn't lost all the baby weight, that he didn't find me attractive anymore, etc).

I finally gave him this ultimatum: 1) See a doctor because that is NOT normal. We never had a problem until after DD was born. He was only 32 years old when this started.  2) Start going to a counselor. If it's not physical, it's mental. Figure it out.  3) Pack your sh!t and leave. I was NOT going to be a roommate to this man. If he didnt want to have sex, fine, but I didn't need him here to not do it.

DH didn't realize how much this affected me until we went to counseling together in January of 2009. Then he started seeing a counselor on his own, in addition to our bi-weekly counseling sessions. For him, it was a matter of he didn't see me as a woman anymore, but a Mom because of DD. The sex therapist helped him change this view.

This is a serious problem. If he isnt willing to take action to change what is going on- do you really want to be with him? Are you willing to be coming back on here in another 7 months, telling us the same thing? I can tell you, if he isn't doing anything about it now, he isn't going to unless you show him how serious of a problem this is. And if at that point he still doesn't do anything- can you live in a sexless marriage?

I don't know what it is with your DH, but it is SOMETHING. I can't tell you if he's cheating, if he is depressed, if he is stressed, if he is gay or if he is just suffering from a medical problem. Nobody will know until your DH takes action to find out. 

Good luck. I know this situation sucks, big time. 

 For him, it was a matter of he didn't see me as a woman anymore, but a Mom because of DD. The sex therapist helped him change this view.

This is what they call the Madonna Whore Syndrome -- not likely the OP's "H" has that problem; this happens after a wife/SO has borne a child. It's said that Elvis Presley had the same problem.

saraelizabeth28:

I know it's not ed.  I have caught him in the "act".  Which I know is just part of being human, but you would think if you had the desire to go solo, you would have the desire to have sex.  So now is the part really I really think it is me.   He just doesn't want to have WITH ME.

We did go through a dry spell before.  He was on zololft.  And he stepped off of it like 9 months ago.  Things improved for like 1 month, but now . . . . . it's worse than ever.

I truly am afraid that I won't be able to get past this.  I mean is normal for me to be so resentful that I don't even want to have sex with him now?  I mean if he initiated it now, I probably wouldn't even be up for it.  I am so messed up. I know this is weird.  But I do find my husband attractive.  But I just have all of this weird energy inside of me that is frustrated and full of spite from feeling like my feelings have been ignored.

Sounds like your both going to need counseling. Try individual and couple, because you both need to talk about this. I dont want to automatically assume cheating, but this doesnt sound normal at all. I would rather say its something medically wrong...He should definitely see a doctor....

Hope this gets better for you.

jonesdouglas:

saraelizabeth28:

I know it's not ed.  I have caught him in the "act".  Which I know is just part of being human, but you would think if you had the desire to go solo, you would have the desire to have sex.  So now is the part really I really think it is me.   He just doesn't want to have WITH ME.

We did go through a dry spell before.  He was on zololft.  And he stepped off of it like 9 months ago.  Things improved for like 1 month, but now . . . . . it's worse than ever.

I truly am afraid that I won't be able to get past this.  I mean is normal for me to be so resentful that I don't even want to have sex with him now?  I mean if he initiated it now, I probably wouldn't even be up for it.  I am so messed up. I know this is weird.  But I do find my husband attractive.  But I just have all of this weird energy inside of me that is frustrated and full of spite from feeling like my feelings have been ignored.

Sounds like your both going to need counseling. Try individual and couple, because you both need to talk about this. I dont want to automatically assume cheating, but this doesnt sound normal at all. I would rather say its something medically wrong...He should definitely see a doctor....

Hope this gets better for you.

 The OP says he's masturbating with no problems.

And their sex life was kind of so so before they were married. If sex was important to the OP, she should have ended the relationship right there.

He is also manipulating her -- she's given an ultimatum (and unfortunately you have to stand behind it if you do so; it's an all or nothing at all thing with an ultimatum) and he's still done nothing.

I think he's gay and he thinks that if you get pregnant you'll be so busy with the baby you won't notice he doesn't want to have sex with you.

At least, that's what would go through my head.

And judging from your post that began this thread, it sounds to me like you've more or less emotionally checked out of the relationship, also.

There's nothing left here for you; you've tried everything, including talking to him and no results.

And by saying to you that he wants to TTC he's pretty much manipulating you -- this is passive aggressive bullsh!t.