The Nest

I'm not sure. I've been unemployed for the past 6 months (recently started a part-time job working from home) so I have felt what its like to be a SAHW and I'm so bored! I've tried to keep myself busy, but I'm so ready to get back to work full-time! Some women just feel if they don't need to work, then they don't have to? I would feel guilty that I'm sitting at home while my DH is out there working hard to keep us alive. I'm sure the DH is making a good income or obviously the wife would have to work. Some men like their wife to be at home. My DH says "You know, if I made enough money you wouldn't have to go back to work", but the thing is we need the income, and I don't think I could just sit at home without having any kids to take care or something. Granted, I do a ton during the day. Run errands, clean the house, drop off dry-cleaning, take care of the dog, pay the bills, etc.... but by no means does it take all day and I get so lonley and bored. I want to feel apart of something again. I've volunteered for some things too, which was great. But yes, without kids to watch or something else major going on, I couldnt do it. Ive been looking for a job non-stop which takes up my time too. My DH loves having dinner ready when he gets home and nothing else to take care of, but once I get a full-time job, he will need to help me with stuff again. But some couples do it and love it! I would just feel too guilty being a SAHW I guess.

When we moved to VA several years ago I was a SAHW for a few months, but during that time I did some remodeling of the old farm house we lived in and took care of the baby calfs, I just wasn't paid for it.  I enjoyed running all the farm errands and working on the house.  But after a few months I went back to subbing at schools then taught full time.

When we moved back to Kansas I stayed at home again for a few months to help with the transition back, but with no farm to take care of and no real remodeling to do I was soon bored and found a job with in about 4 months.

I think about being a SAHW, it seems easier in a way that dealing with crazy boss lady, but I know that it makes me misserable to not work and it really stresses our marriage.

Turtle143:

This weekend, I ran into a friend of mine from college whom I lost touch with for about 3-4yrs. To my surprise, my svelte friend was no longer...well svelte. She said she's put on about 30lbs since the last time I saw her and that she's happily a stay at home wife to her fiancee of 1yr. She is not working, not going to school, not taking care of any ill relatives. Just staying at home, cleaning the house and whatnot.

Just got me thinking what leads some women to choose to be SAHWs??? I mean, I honestly understand the SAHM thing but stay at home wife??? I just feel like it's brains being wasted away. This particular friend of mine was a lab partner at one time!

Any thoughts? I know this is flame-risk post but...just wanted to get this out there.

What is the difference between her "wasting her brains" at home vs. wasting her brains at some dead-end secretarial job?

AlisaS:

Turtle143:

This weekend, I ran into a friend of mine from college whom I lost touch with for about 3-4yrs. To my surprise, my svelte friend was no longer...well svelte. She said she's put on about 30lbs since the last time I saw her and that she's happily a stay at home wife to her fiancee of 1yr. She is not working, not going to school, not taking care of any ill relatives. Just staying at home, cleaning the house and whatnot.

Just got me thinking what leads some women to choose to be SAHWs??? I mean, I honestly understand the SAHM thing but stay at home wife??? I just feel like it's brains being wasted away. This particular friend of mine was a lab partner at one time!

Any thoughts? I know this is flame-risk post but...just wanted to get this out there.

What is the difference between her "wasting her brains" at home vs. wasting her brains at some dead-end secretarial job?

Even at a "dead-end secretarial job" she would more than likely be contributing to the greater good of an organization.  There are some career secretaries who make some good money because they are great at what they do.  I don't know that I agree that secretaries as a whole "waste their brains" but that is a debate for another day. 

You know, I've never understood that either. It's not for me. When I was unemployed for a few months, and money was tight, I was kind of like the SAHW. At first it was a nice little vacation, but after days of the same thing, I realized how unhappy I was becoming. I'm just the type of person that needs to do something with my time, and feel like I'm contributing in some way.

If she and her husband are happy with the situation, the Why doesn't really matter.

We moved to London for DH's job. I taught most of the time, but because of the date we had set to leave, I couldn't teach the last quarter we were there. So I was a SAHW for the last 3 months. Would it be my choice long term? no, but it was what it was.

 

I didn't let my brain waste. I volunteered and went site seeing and did a lot of historical reading.

 

I know women who do it and volunteer enough that its almost a full time job. not everyone who doesn't work is wasting their brains.

Well I thought I made clear that my friend is not doing anything. No pets, no babysitting, no volunteering, no family to take care of. Her DH works one FT job and another PT job and shouldering the rent for their 2BR apartment in the boonies. Of course they're fine with that and I'm not getting mad at them for that. I'm just trying to understand what could possibly lead to that thinking and I posted this for everyone to see and chime in whatever their thoughts are. I didn't even post this for the sake of "contributing to the society" argument.  
I'm also not talking about people who got laid off and didn't find a job for a long time. Or those who've made a life-altering move to some distant location. I'm talking about women who have the choice to be in the workforce and would rather sit around in the house doing nothing...not even taking care of themselves.

It just seems baffling to me that she's let her self go like that ..mentally and physically..... and for what? That probably seem shallow but I believe in taking good care of myself...my health.

It doesn't seem like the guy is controlling either that he won't let her go out of the house and she seems to be very proud when she says she's a stay at home wife. I guess people look at that differently. Some people look at it as being privileged, whereas I see it as odd and boring.

Turtle143:

Well I thought I made clear that my friend is not doing anything. No pets, no babysitting, no volunteering, no family to take care of. Her DH works one FT job and another PT job and shouldering the rent for their 2BR apartment in the boonies. Of course they're fine with that and I'm not getting mad at them for that. I'm just trying to understand what could possibly lead to that thinking and I posted this for everyone to see and chime in whatever their thoughts are. I didn't even post this for the sake of "contributing to the society" argument.  
I'm also not talking about people who got laid off and didn't find a job for a long time. Or those who've made a life-altering move to some distant location. I'm talking about women who have the choice to be in the workforce and would rather sit around in the house doing nothing...not even taking care of themselves.

It just seems baffling to me that she's let her self go like that ..mentally and physically..... and for what? That probably seem shallow but I believe in taking good care of myself...my health.

It doesn't seem like the guy is controlling either that he won't let her go out of the house and she seems to be very proud when she says she's a stay at home wife. I guess people look at that differently. Some people look at it as being privileged, whereas I see it as odd and boring.

So you think overweight people are lazy fuvcks. too?

Actually my "contributing to society" comment wasn't aimed at you at all-I got what you were saying. 

DH has a friend whose wife is a SAHW-she has her MBA and he is now paying for it since she doesn't work.  She volunteers through her local junior league so that is good.  She keeps up her looks but she was scarily skinny one of the last times I saw her and we know she is lazy/doesn't like to work out.  I guess she sleeps until 10.  I think with this friend he wanted someone who would kind of "guard the homestead and keep the fires burning" while he's gone to work and looks at it as he's made it if he can support a SAHW.  I would personally be insanely bored. 

jefisher05:

Actually my "contributing to society" comment wasn't aimed at you at all-I got what you were saying. 

DH has a friend whose wife is a SAHW-she has her MBA and he is now paying for it since she doesn't work.  She volunteers through her local junior league so that is good.  She keeps up her looks but she was scarily skinny one of the last times I saw her and we know she is lazy/doesn't like to work out.  I guess she sleeps until 10.  I think with this friend he wanted someone who would kind of "guard the homestead and keep the fires burning" while he's gone to work and looks at it as he's made it if he can support a SAHW.  I would personally be insanely bored. 

oh no. I was just trying to clarify that I'm not downing the ones who have no choice because of layoffs and other life circumstances.

But I get what you mean too. Maybe it's the guy feeling all masculine that the wife does not have to go to work because he's fully able to support her. But if DH couldn't be home most of the time anyway...what good is all that? I would be insanely bored too and demand to have a baby....a...puppy or something. LOL

 

The guy was sort of like this with his ex-fiance and would put her down for her job (she was a bartender) but at least she was trying to contribute something.  And I think he would say when they were married, she could quit.  (she didn't want to and by that point I think she had moved up to bar manager)

Oh, I forgot to mention.  She has a "crafting room".  So she can "craft" during the day.  That's something, right?  Oh and this guy?  Sometimes has to travel a lot, has a job that requires long hours so yeah, I'd be batty in no time! 

Sorry... I'm fairly new to this board and haven't introduced myself but I wanted to ring in on this one.

I used to work a very high powered job.  I loved it.  I loved my co-workers, I loved my staff, I loved my boss.  I was doing innovative stuff for my organization and contributing to my profession with fantastic research and had a great local network.

My husband was then transferred.  I tried to work out a telecommuting arrangement, but because of some company policies that wasn't do-able (close... but just not quite).  I thought about being a stay at home wife, as my husbands salary was fine for the two of us, and the effort and exhaustion of relocating could have balanced well with only one of us working.  We're thinking of starting a family in the relatively near future so it might have expedited that plan a little.

I wrestled and wrestled with my decision and in the end thought something pretty close to what you articulate above.  The only job available in my field was a big step back (in terms of salary, responsibility and prestige) but hey... at least I'd still be working.  I wasn't ready to leave my field (and still wouldn't) as it took many years and degrees to get me here, and figured any job was better than no job. 

I took the job and every day I come into my equivalent of a "dead-end secretarial job" (though we should figure out a better term to use) and collect my 70% less salary and feel like I'm getting kicked in the junk.  Not because I'm working as hard as I did and feel like they're not paying me enough, not because my co-workers aren't quite nice people... but because I remember what I was doing, and the fact that I'm now in a position not to do it any more makes me feel like poo.

Looking back I really should have bit the bullet and become a SAHW and I'm sure there are a lot of women who become SAHWs for this exact reason.  I don't know if there is a lot else out there that can be more demoralizing than being underemployed.

 Anyway... if this comes off as a flame I don't mean it to.  It was quite cathartic to write that all out and I guess I just wanted to say that being underemployed isn’t always better than being unemployed.

And to answer questions before they're asked.  I committed to myself when I took this job that I would stay for at least a year, and even if I wanted to change jobs there's nothing in my field in the city.

 

You seem very over-invested in what your friend has chosen to do with her life.

SAHWs do what they do because they don't want to work, don't need the income, whatever.  Why do people skydive, why do people enter competitive eating contests, why do people do anything they do that is different than you?  Different strokes for different folks as my dad always used to say.

See, I feel like my brain is turning into mush working the job I'm at now.  I honestly think my brain would get more use if I wasn't stuck at a pointless desk job 45 hours/week.

Not saying the same may be true for your friend, but just showing you another side. 

Given how judgemental you are I'm sure this woman is gald she lost touch with you.

You claim its just b/c your friend doesn't do anything, but you flat out asked why anyone would chose to be SAHWs. Its not just about your friend IMO.

 

And I don't get the point in judging her for something that effects no one other than her and her husband.

I don't think you sounded like you were judging, I think you asked an honest question and people overreacted.

IrishBrideND:

You claim its just b/c your friend doesn't do anything, but you flat out asked why anyone would chose to be SAHWs. Its not just about your friend IMO.

 

And I don't get the point in judging her for something that effects no one other than her and her husband.

That is actually very accurate. I meant for that to be in general....a question to all women who choose to do that. I never meant for that question or this whole post to sound judgmental though I honestly knew it could and might be taken just as that. I didn't mean to hit any nerves either. I was plainly curious as to why. I did get a lot of different opinions/feedbacks so that gives me some idea. Thanks to everyone who replied.

I thought about being a SAHW when after I finished grad school last spring. I was going to  spend most of my time doing philanthropy work and occasionally substitute teach. In the end, I found  an organization that was looking for teachers to serve in the inner city for a couple of years. So, I decided to do this program instead.

Mokie:

I don't think you sounded like you were judging, I think you asked an honest question and people overreacted.

Why would an honest non-judgemental question need to include the woman's weight?

I have put on 30 pounds since college and I work full time. If I ever have the option to stay home, I will stay at home. I have the summers off and never seem to get bored. In college, I never intended to work- I just wanted to find a husband and have kids and not work. It's just always been my 'dream job'. I did not find a husband in college, so I continued on with my MA and still didn't find a husband until later, but I did find a job that I love. However, I would give it up in order to stay home. 

I've been a SAHW since the end of April.  Does it get boring?  Absolutely.  But lots of other jobs are boring, too.  It can be difficult and frustrating, especially since it's not the norm.  If it was 1950, I'd have lots of other SAHWs or SAHMs to hang out with during the day.

H makes enough money that I don't need to work.  We knew that when we moved to this town, a job I liked/wanted would not be available for me.  I know he takes pride that he can support our life all by himself.

H has an incredibly stressful job.  I take care of all the household activities so home is a haven for him where he can just relax.  Sometimes I feel like my life's purpose is to serve him, and that's irritating and not necessarily always as rewarding as other jobs I've had (especially if he doesn't like the dinner I slaved over all day ).  But I do enjoy that we can just be together during the short amount of time he's at home.

He travels a TON.  Since I don't work, I get to go with him sometimes.  I've become quite adept at cooking in hotel rooms.  I used to travel quite a bit, so I know how lonely living in a hotel for months can be.  I also know that eating out gets old quickly.

Yes, it's weird to be a SAHW.  It would be easier if I knew more women like me.  But it works for us for now.

ETA:  Plus, your friend has a wedding to plan.  And that's more important than any job, right?  

People "let themselves go" for any number of reasons.  When I wasn't working (due to a layoff) I was in killer shape because I had time to get in a lot of exercise, meal planning, etc.  Yet some people need a routine/schedule to get the fitness thing going...  I don't think it has anything to do with working or not working though, everyone is different.  Your friend could be depressed overall, having nothing to do with her job status, too.  Maybe you should be more a good, helpful friend instead of a judgemental friend (?)

I personally would love to be a SAHW, but maybe not permanently.  I also do a lot of volunteering with several organizations and could expand on that.  I would try to hone my homemaking skills, learn to cook well, work out a lot, socialize, spend time with extended family, etc.  Ok now I am really depressed I am NOT one.  Lol.  Back to work! :(

Funny, I could have written snowday's post myself minus the lots of traveling for work part.  

I quit my job in Wall Street back in March so that I could move from NYC to Tampa to follow my husband.  We did a long distance situation for two years and traveling every weekend or every other weekend was just too much to deal with on top of my 70+ hour work weeks. 

Before I moved, DH and I both understood that the likelihood of my finding a position fit for my work experience and background was slim to none in a town not known for finance.  We knew that going in and we both agreed to at least try it out and see what happens.  We also both knew that we would eventually enter an MBA program that would take us back to the northeast.  That plan has changed slightly but we are still planning to move again soon so that I can work.

I will say that my time off has given me a precious and rare opportunity to reflect on what I really want to do in my professional life.  While I was working, I couldn't think clearly regarding my career and I was torn b/w business school and law school.  The time off has allowed me to discover that I really do have a passion for finance and that is where I really belong. 

Although it's nice to not work on some days, I prefer to go back to the working world since my personality needs lots of that particular type of stimulation.  Maybe we have children it will be different, but we don't plan on having any for many more years. 

You see, I am the type that needs absolute deadlines or else nothing will get done.  It's been tough for me to manage household duties, like cleaning, b/c I always think I have time to do it and put it off until later.  I put it off so much that it rarely gets done as often as I want.  You will probably die at the idea that my husband has given me the to hire a cleaning service.  I haven't done it yet, but I am not afraid to if I feel it is absolutely necessary.  We've used a cleaning company for years when we were both working and it's something I prefer to pay for to get it done frequently and properly.  

Sadly, I used to think like you until I became a SAHW myself.  I now realize that everyone's situation is different despite what you think you may know.   

Perception is not reality and I like to remind myself of that every day.  Actually, I feel like I am busier now than when I was working.  It is just a different type of busy and one that obviously doesn't pay me for it.  Will we be in this situation forever?  Absolutely not.  We are already making plans to move back to NYC, where we both want to settle down.  In the mean time, we take full advantage of my down time.  As a matter of fact, we get to travel more now that we don't have to coordinate different vacation schedules from work.

If we were in the financial position to meet all of our goals without me working I would be happy to comply! I wouldn't sit around the house all day. I'd be heavily involved in volunteer activities and other things.

Just because you aren't being paid for work doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilling life.

Turtle143:

Her DH works one FT job and another PT job

First off, that ain't right.

I suspect your friend is downright lazy, or she might have some mental problems keeping her from holding down a job that obviously she doesn't want to broadcast to old friends.

I don't think you're "over interested" in this friend, as others have accused you of.  I would be side eyeing her a lot more than you currently are.  Nesties tend to think "OMG, you so much as thought of another person?  I am too good to do that - how dare you!" *clutching pearls*  Side eye again.  

wise_rita:

Turtle143:

Her DH works one FT job and another PT job

First off, that ain't right.

I suspect your friend is downright lazy, or she might have some mental problems keeping her from holding down a job that obviously she doesn't want to broadcast to old friends.

I don't think you're "over interested" in this friend, as others have accused you of.  I would be side eyeing her a lot more than you currently are.  Nesties tend to think "OMG, you so much as thought of another person?  I am too good to do that - how dare you!" *clutching pearls*  Side eye again.  

Rita isn't wise.........

AlisaS:

wise_rita:

Turtle143:

Her DH works one FT job and another PT job

First off, that ain't right.

I suspect your friend is downright lazy, or she might have some mental problems keeping her from holding down a job that obviously she doesn't want to broadcast to old friends.

I don't think you're "over interested" in this friend, as others have accused you of.  I would be side eyeing her a lot more than you currently are.  Nesties tend to think "OMG, you so much as thought of another person?  I am too good to do that - how dare you!" *clutching pearls*  Side eye again.  

Rita isn't wise.........

LOL!! too true.