sounds like he is cheating so I would consider it

this sucks sooo bad

No noooo no no no no NO.....this has BEEN going on before you got married.

And even so, what's the deal? Every single night???

When they pull the not answering the phone sh!t something is fishy indeed. 

You also have an inconsiderate H problem and a no character H problem: you are ill and he still took off? Disgraceful.

Why has he got all of your money? don't you work? don't you have a savings account of your own with money you accrued in your single days? I don't get that...what's going on that he has all the money?

Something is wrong here --- get down to the bottom of this mess and pronto.  I will bet you that he's off with another woman --- and that the affair with her has been ongoing and ongoing prior to your marriage.

And if that is the case, get this sham of a marriage annulled (not divorced). If he is having an affair this constitutes fraud.

If you can swing it and you can afford it, I'd get a private eye out after this bum. Something is amiss and something is very wrong. He's disappearing for a very very good reason and it sure isn't to spend time with buddies.

He has the money because it's Sunday, the banks are closed (I do have a full time job and I'm the bread-winner since he's in college), and he took the car so I have no way to get my money. He has the check book anyway so I really don't have a way to get myself anything even if I got a ride. 

I agree - I do need to hire a private eye. this is not what I envisioned my life being like ever... especially not three weeks into our marriage.

He ran like this for a short time in our dating days and I told him to hit the road. He changed. He hasn't been like this until we got married. He was dragging me out with him but I can't do the night life with my job. It was poker every night or drinking at a bar or a buddy's house.

it's like since we got married he thinks he can revert to his old ways and he doesn't think I'll leave... it sucks, but I think I just might come home from work one day next week with divorce papers. 

Even if he is messing around, 8 hours is a long time to be gone when it was only supposed to be one. If H ever did that, I would immediately be worried about an accident or something before my mind went to cheating. 

 Im not saying that to freak you out or anything, it's just the first place my mind would go. Are there any other friends or family you could contact to see if they've heard from him? I hope you find him soon.

All of this is very odd. 

 You don't have a friend/family member and a credit/debit card? 

Ok.

 Here is the issue, he is lying to you. 

It isn't about golf, buddies, drinking, poker, the car, you being sick, being out all night or any other distractions. Period.

He is lying to you. He never had plans with his friend, yet he told you he did. He said he would be back soon, it has been 8 hours and he hasn't called.

I could tell you about a time I met a friend for coffee and it turned into let's go shopping, let's have dinner, let's watch a movie and 8 hours have gone by. I would always answer my phone/call/text DH however and I wouldn't lie about it.

The lie is the issue here. You need to be honest with yourself about if this is who he is and if/why you would sign up to spend the rest of your life with someone who lies to you.  

Maybe he's off gambling somewhere for that long long length of time or drinking somewhere for that long length of time.

And even so: if he promised you he'd stop and now he's at it again he also has a character problem.

What you need to do: find out what is going on. I wouldn't tarry on this; something here is fishy indeed. People don't vanish for hours and hours at a clip without being up to no good.

Annulment, like I said. Not a divorce.  You are married 3 weeks. And I'd also go to court and have him pay for the entire amount total of the wedding expenses. 

Have you checked your bank account online, or called customer service, to see what the last transaction was?

Separate your finances immediately. I'm thinking MUD since you seem more concerned with being out of chicken soup than catching an std from him.

My2cents4u:

Separate your finances immediately. I'm thinking MUD since you seem more concerned with being out of chicken soup than catching an std from him.

And the OP is more concerned with trying to find an activity for her and this guy to pursue together!

Something is fishy here.

I can name many scenarios:

He's off gambling, he's off drinking, he's with another woman/man, he's got some kind of off the books job (far fetched, I know but I'm trying to think of what else could be in the mix here) or he is in general up to something that is not good.

Go check the online banking statements for the ATM and other with a card withdrawals.  How dare he vanish on you when you are ill -- suppose you needed him???? THere's no way for you to reach him????

And at the very very least:

He's lying to you about his whereabouts.

Indeed: this is what you signed on for what, 23 days ago???? At the very least this is a liar and this whole thing is a dealbreaker right here and right now.

Maybe you'd do the smart thing if you saw an attorney tomorrow and filed for an annulment. Something is very amiss here (we had a nestie who used to be here; her H was vanishing for long long hours at a clip; turns out he was up to somethinhg highly illegal [he was a peeping tom] and she made sure she ended the marriage) and it would be in your best interest to find out what the deal is ASAP, even if you got a private eye in on the scenario.

Something is weird here. And it's even weirder if he truly and honestly only began this activity after you were married.

I just want to say I am so sorry you are going through this. Although, you just got married it's a good thing he is acting like an a#s now before you possibly have children w/ him. I say get out whether you're 25 or 75....noone deserves to be with someone dishonest and disrespectful.

Like others said...def. check your bank account.

He could also have a drug addiction.  Ditto the check your bank accounts.  Are you banking on line?  If so, you need to go and check all of your transactions for the past 6 months.  Is he pulling out lots of cash?   

I would also recommend survivinginfidelity.com.  Great website for people who have been betrayed by their loved ones.  Their forums are full of very supportive people and the reading sections has many suggestions of how to behave towards your wandering spouse. 

I call MUD! Why would a man carry a check book?! You don't own a credit card? Can't call up for a delivery of soup and food?

Did he end up coming home last night or this morning? Did he have an excuse? Good luck - I'm so sorry you're going through this.

This is pretty serious. You seem to be focusing on the fact that he's not taking care of you when you're sick, and overlooking that he's disappearing and being untruthful about his whereabouts. The being out EVERY night is bad enough, but not answering a phone for 8 hours AND lying about who he's with? Whether he's cheating (or using drugs, or just plain not wanting to be home) or not, this is grounds for an annulment.

Also, no one person should have 100% access to all the money. Before you kick him out, get the debit card. Clean out the accounts, and give him half (get a signed receipt from him that you did so) and then send him on his merry way.

I am usually all about working it out, counseling and the like, but this kind of activity NEVER leads to happy endings.

 

MrsMcC.10409:

This is pretty serious. You seem to be focusing on the fact that he's not taking care of you when you're sick, and overlooking that he's disappearing and being untruthful about his whereabouts. The being out EVERY night is bad enough, but not answering a phone for 8 hours AND lying about who he's with? Whether he's cheating (or using drugs, or just plain not wanting to be home) or not, this is grounds for an annulment.

Also, no one person should have 100% access to all the money. Before you kick him out, get the debit card. Clean out the accounts, and give him half (get a signed receipt from him that you did so) and then send him on his merry way.

I am usually all about working it out, counseling and the like, but this kind of activity NEVER leads to happy endings.

Didn't you and he talk about money before you got married --- with particular emphasis on your business and his educational status?

You own a business: you very well could lose it in a divorce.

You should have had a prenup for that reason: you own a business. That is your livelihood.

Divorces do very very sh!tty things to people. People get nuts when they see papers being served to them.

And I don't know who is paying for his education, but let us suppose it's you who is: suppose you stiffed him and decided to not pay for his education after you got married?

A prenup is needed when there are sensitive and money-wise and money-sensitive matters that either one or both spouses have: you and/or he own a business, somebody has an inheritiance, one or both of you each owns a home, etc. It's to protect assets, not to ensure that a divorce occurs.

Didn't you also talk about how your money and his --- yes, this is an OUR money now, even if he is "only" a student; any money and asseets that are earned or accrued belong to both the husband and wife; it's OUR money.

Indeed not one spouse should have 100% access to all of the funds and assets -- this is equal money-ing and equal share and control of the assets and cash.  You guys should have discussed money throughly before you got married and made sure that you agreed that all decisions pertaining to the OUR money aspect was satisfactory to you and to him.

That said, check the bank statements from last night --- you may have to wait until later on this evening after the banks run an update of activity.

But in the meanwhile, yu sure can see the activity from Saturday and before hand.

And you bet have an isssue with him even if he didn't spend one penny of any money.

You said he was doing this nightly before you got married??? Was he a student then? Because if he was a student then -- and he is a student now --- wow, how irresponsible!  School is *just* like work in that aspect: you have to have responsibility and know when not to go out and do up the town!

He also sounds woefully immature.

And as i said, he promised not to do it anymore when he was doing it and now he's back to leaving for hours on and and going who knows where? he also cannot keep promises that he made, more signs of poor character.

Something is funky here and I urge you to get down to the bottom of it. This is not what you signed on for 3 weeks ago when you got married.

As a previous poster pointed out: the deal here is that he is lying. The point is that exactly; not where he is but that he has lied about his whereabouts.

And pulling a disappearing act just plain sucks. Period.

Has there been a definite pattern to the times he leaves and the times he returns? Or are the times of his disappearances random?

What happened last night? Like I said, this guy's a student -- doesn't he have class?

As a long long shot, I am wondering if he's got a job somewhere or there's something up with school and he can't and won't tell you what is going on.

I can't access your prior post -- are you the Nestie that voiced concern about her H's nursing school female classmates and that perhaps he was getting too chummy with them?

So what happened?

He was anywhere between here and the moon -- and he could have been doing anything at all, illegal or non or out of line or not.

Where was he? When did the prince manage to roll in and what was the condition of said prince when he finally did arrive on scene?

 

 

bewilderingstar:

I call MUD! Why would a man carry a check book?! You don't own a credit card? Can't call up for a delivery of soup and food?

This.  And what the hell is frisbee golf?  Do you hit a frisbee with a golf club?  Throw golf balls at flying frisbees?  I'm intrigued.

Kimbus22:

bewilderingstar:

I call MUD! Why would a man carry a check book?! You don't own a credit card? Can't call up for a delivery of soup and food?

This.  And what the hell is frisbee golf?  Do you hit a frisbee with a golf club?  Throw golf balls at flying frisbees?  I'm intrigued.

You don't even have a credit card for business?

You don't even have even ten bucks in the house at all?

The OP did not return. I'm intrigued at this point; wondering where he's been and what the story is.

Kimbus22:

bewilderingstar:

I call MUD! Why would a man carry a check book?! You don't own a credit card? Can't call up for a delivery of soup and food?

This.  And what the hell is frisbee golf?  Do you hit a frisbee with a golf club?  Throw golf balls at flying frisbees?  I'm intrigued.

I'm a lurker so I hope it's ok if I jump in here - I know what frisbee golf is! You have a fixed point that you have to get your frisbee to, and you have a certain amount of throws you're allowed to get it there. So let's say you're on one end of a soccer field, and it's a par 3 to hit the cross bar of the net on the other side of the field with the frisbee. If you do it in two you get a birdie and if you do it in four you bogey just like in golf. DH plays sometimes, but no... He isn't gone for 8 hours when he does!

OP, I agree that you have a way bigger problem than soup right now. Get yourself a debit card and a couples therapist.

*returns to lurking*

It might not be too late to get an annulment.  It's something to look into.  In either case, it's time for this sham of a marriage to be over.  You know he didn't really change when you broke up with him over this same crap when you were dating - he just hid his jackassery until he had you locked down, or so he thought.  You know who he is.  He's this guy, and you don't want that.

TarponMonoxide:

Kimbus22:

bewilderingstar:

I call MUD! Why would a man carry a check book?! You don't own a credit card? Can't call up for a delivery of soup and food?

This.  And what the hell is frisbee golf?  Do you hit a frisbee with a golf club?  Throw golf balls at flying frisbees?  I'm intrigued.

You don't even have a credit card for business?

You don't even have even ten bucks in the house at all?

The OP did not return. I'm intrigued at this point; wondering where he's been and what the story is.

This thread will probably get deleted....that seems to be how these things go. Person comes here for advice. Doesn't get the answers they want to hear or can't handle what advice is being offered, and subsequently deletes. Rinse. Repeat.

And assuming that this whole situation is real, the guy is obviously a lying cheating scumbag and needs to be kicked to the curb.

R.Wilsonny:

TarponMonoxide:

Kimbus22:

bewilderingstar:

I call MUD! Why would a man carry a check book?! You don't own a credit card? Can't call up for a delivery of soup and food?

This.  And what the hell is frisbee golf?  Do you hit a frisbee with a golf club?  Throw golf balls at flying frisbees?  I'm intrigued.

You don't even have a credit card for business?

You don't even have even ten bucks in the house at all?

The OP did not return. I'm intrigued at this point; wondering where he's been and what the story is.

This thread will probably get deleted....that seems to be how these things go. Person comes here for advice. Doesn't get the answers they want to hear or can't handle what advice is being offered, and subsequently deletes. Rinse. Repeat.

And assuming that this whole situation is real, the guy is obviously a lying cheating scumbag and needs to be kicked to the curb.

Yah --- and it's so urgent and so bad that you don't come back and say what happened, you're still waiting to see what's what, etc?

How about the status of what's happening.

I dunno.  If this is MUD, that stinks -- and if it's not, he's an ass.

I'm hoping you discussed these things before you got married.  Every couple/marriage is different, I wouldn't be okay with DH going out every night, I would have spoken up since the 1st night he did that. Now that you called Jake and know DH is lying, you have three options: 1) put up with it 2) move out and divorce 3) express that this isn't acceptable and you won't tolerate it again. If he does, then pack your things and move out and move on. It doesn't sound like he cares to be with you, this is a tough choice for you since you love him but in my opinion, his behavior is making the choice for you, good luck with everything!

vpine:

I'm hoping you discussed these things before you got married.  Every couple/marriage is different, I wouldn't be okay with DH going out every night, I would have spoken up since the 1st night he did that. Now that you called Jake and know DH is lying, you have three options: 1) put up with it 2) move out and divorce 3) express that this isn't acceptable and you won't tolerate it again. If he does, then pack your things and move out and move on. It doesn't sound like he cares to be with you, this is a tough choice for you since you love him but in my opinion, his behavior is making the choice for you, good luck with everything!

Sure.

You COULD stay with him and be his patsy, his doormat and his fool and his stooge. Along with being a pushover and just somebody he can show no respect to and walk all over at any time he wishes.

All this while you walk on eggs around this guy while sitting under a Sword of Damocles.

Guys like these make me sick. WHY did he waste the young woman's time and get married???

As I said, he is a student. That he's doing all this partying during a school night is just plain bad.

Do not waste money on a private investigator. You already know all you need to. Your husband is a jerk and you made a mistake. Divorce him now, get on with your life, better luck next time.

Any update?  What happened? So sorry all this has happened to you...

@Kimbus, frisbee golf is tons of fun! It's also called "disc golf", if you've ever heard of that. My husband & I play every once in a while (there are a bunch of disc golf parks here), in fact we've got a date to go later today. The hole you're aiming for in regular golf is more of a stand and basket with chains on the stand (helps catch the frisbee, otherwise it would be terribly hard to get a frisbee in a basket!--at least, this is what it's like at the courses we normally go to). You have a "tee" sort of thing just like regular golf, it's just throwing a frisbee but with more of a point to it. I'm not terribly good at it, but it's lots of fun.